very very sick

very very sick, spent most of day in bed. cancelled svc because too sick to even pickup, clean house a lil bit. canot bear any sound, except most gentle soothing. cannot read, cannot think, watched a lil tv but not really. imnot really in realizty, at least psychologically, physically i continue to sufffer from sever pain, but im so fucked up i dont care about anything. just want this hell to end.

Yes, definitely wish I were unconscious in this hell

Yes, definitely wish I were unconscious in this hell that is my life. beatrix kiddoo you wuss. Night of unimaginable pain and suffering as i couldnt even hold out leg straiht without severe nerve pain. figured out that i have some kind of bleeding going on in my nerve damaged legs. what i feel in my outer thighs as knots are actually capillaries and they are bursting into bleeding sores on the oustide of my thighs. I have a bout a half dozen sores on my left leg n one on my right. woke up too sick to do anytning but lay in bed. im suposed to have a pesiticide man comin gtomorrow. thinking of canceling it because i dont know where i will get energy o do one hor worh of work that needs to be done. i am so fucked up right now i cannot imagine doing anything.

i envy beatrix

i envy beatrix--at least she was unconscious for her four years of hell. i have to feel it--nobody could feel as bad as i do. severe nerve pain, muscular weakness, inability to keep eyes open. beelly cold, i would suspect risperdol exept i smell overwhelming ammonia, nitrogen in my urine, so bad i had to even pee. more than anything elese i just want to be fucking dead so this ficking suffering is sover no revenge, just eascape from this fucking hell that is my life. on top of all that i am sfussuffering from severe heat flashes--in october. so overheated ic ant stnad my own body sick of htis shit god, please please end it all. my life is not worth living.

For the first time in years,

For the first time in years, I forced myself to run. I didn't run very far--I ran in bursts of 20-50 yards for about a half hour. Pretty awesome achievement for someone like me, who cannot feel or control my legs. It was hardest on the hips and back, though, as the alien implants immediately forced those muscles there into rigid spasm. I was lucky to make it back home. The alien implants started shooting the nerve pain through my ankles and I barely got home. Note for in the future--drive or bike. What a tragedy that I can no longer walk for any amount of distance--a mile or two or three--comfortably. All my joy at physical exertion, exercise, and yes, exhaustion, stolen from me by torurers who have no love of the human body or the human condition, but want some luciferian outcome in which they think that they transcend the joy of being a mortal, flesh and blood, body-person only to become slaves to a mental holographic prison. I think the reason I love watching "Kill Bill" (besides checking out all the fine women kicking ass) is that like, Beatrix Kiddo, I want my revenge. I don't want to kill anybody, but I want revenge against the horrible torture and injustice done against me. And like Beatrix, who spent three years in a coma, my body is totally dead. I understand her, when whe drags her paralyzed body up and tells herself, "wiggle your big toe." I told myself today, "run to the pole", and though it was only 20 yards away, I felt as ecstatic as Heidi and Klara when Klara could get up and make a painful step.

New pathology caused by alien virus/military intelligence torture

New pathology caused by alien virus/military intelligence torture--severe asthma. My upper back and shoulders are starting to spasm so severely that they are causing asthma--severe asthma in me. I lay awake last night unable to breathe, and coughing terribly when I tried. I don't care anymore. There's no point of going to the doctor where some stupidass allopathic idiot isn't going to take time to ask questions or get facts--why bother when some dumbass in black feeds them a bunch of lies. The thing about ashma (and I am asthmatic right now, just not severely so ) is that it makes the body more vulnerable to other diseases--especially colds and flu. I pray I get the flu. I look for any and all reason to leave this body. Everything I do that I enjoy is denied me--work, relationships, even simple physical exercise. I can no longer do yoga--since my arms are so weak they can't even hold me up, it's a waste of time to find a gym, because the minute I walk in the door, the psychotropic viral shit begins and I have to leave because I'm too fucked up to do anything. I can't even go for a simple bike ride before my body and neck starts spasming so bad that I can't even turn my head or keep eyes open. Yeah, I pray I get the flu-- I pray I get it so bad that this life, with all its slavery, pain and suffering, finally ends. Time to start another day in hell, with arms that are so weak they can't hold a coffee cup and head so heavy, I can't lift it up. Entire body tortured, wracked, made worse by pain in lungs and inablitly to draw deep breath.

After another lost day, body deteriorating

After another lost day, body deteriorating--cannot touch my toes from seated position, lower back is permanently spasmed, feels out. cant do down dog. cannot bear my own weight on wrist joints and fingers, which feel severely arthritic. cannot evn do cat.cow. belly muscles are so spasmed that i cannot lowr them to ground on top of all this is the never ending headache which makes any interacxtion with reality apoinful--even tv is too muchj. need to keep it all down. dont see anything changesing. no hope. no future. just unremitting suffering. fine. ll is going to come out.

More dreams of cockroaches

More dreams of cockroachesin a dilapidated house. Also dreamed of being anally raped (much as I did dream of NASA astronauts anally raping me). I put my hands around throat of rapist but had no strenght to kill. could not recgonize. I dont know if im on psyhcotropics or if the download shit has just been intensive but it will be a nonfunctionaling, painfilled day. The level of torture i experiecne at the hands of these nazis is just unbelievable but i dont care. i was born a free woman and i will suffer as a free woman and i will die a free womna. jead hirts amd os temder/ ,u face os b;pated amd swpollen from all the excess lymphhtic fluid. When God, will this torture end> Not today, I have to accept i am a prisoner of war in the fight between good and evil (and it is evil pulling the strings on the torture of my body). I am a prisoner of conscience who has to stand up for what i know and believe to be trye. I am a medical victim whose RNA/DNA is being radically changed so that I become a host body for the most loathsome and ungodly kind of evil alien being. And I suffer from the most incredible pain every day of my life but can get no medical treatment or amelioration. BBut I have to be strong to be ture to myself , no matter the pain level, the cockroaches, the unending torture. I am a prisoner of war.