Woke up feeling human for first time in nearly a week

Woke up feeling human for first time in nearly a week--that is not saying much but it is saying something. I actually am functioning and present to reality, but as with the emergence from any long illness, I don't feel up to par. My body and brain is truly trashed right now. Still, all I want to do is lay down and shut my eyes, as my eyes still are not working properly, and feel strained to open them. Body needs remedial work. However after a week of being unable to do anything but lay in bed and pray for death, I have too much to do. I don't feel like doing anything except small movements to recovery, but I can't indulge myself. Have to take care of chores and details, no matter how difficult it is. God only knows when the "brain tumor" is going to incapacitate me again.

Suffering unto the death

Suffering unto the death--suffierng i am enduring is thast of the death agony of soemone with brain tumor with mo painkillers. brain stem so strangulated i can barely move or keep eyes open. then comes the pain pain so severe i cant do anything but flail pray for death. everuthing messed up, appetite, sleeping, locomotion. i am in such fucked up shape that i recognize i am not capable of taking care of myself. hous is amess, sooner or later i will run out of tv dinners. i have to pay landlady but am too sick to drive to po or bank. i have to send in recepts in mail but brain can only function to the point of getting food, water, and to the toilet. running out of water too. god, hlp me , cant keep living like this, wonder how much , too sick to findish tohough.

later...walking around like aim drunk. mentally and physically i am drunk, u nable to focus concetnrate, walke or hold my balance. just wnat to dlay down nad sleep...beats agonizing pain i guess tho back is still locked. deosnt matter because i cant lift feet anyway. move by shuffling

bad to worst

bad to worst and definetely worse. brain tumor head is back. cant hold it up. or open eyes. cant move eye muscles. worst part is back. i have not been able to exericse for over a week and all the muscle spasms now have entire back in sever pain and tender to even the touch. had to pull out futon because too painful to sleep on floor but cant sleep on bed vecause whole body starts spasming. too painful to move. tried to watch tv yesterday, today all i can do is try to strap my head and so a littel cat cow to try to limber up painfu. back. nothing i can do. nothing i can do. cant even go to bank or post office. most severe pain . please help Jesus.

Relentless doping

Relentless doping--after a brief respite in the morning it started up again. i tried to do brain wave stimulation to get mind clear enuf to move, but body is so fucked up and muscle locked all i can do is feet flap. now i cant even do that. totally fucked up. desperate to go to bank and post ofice but am too fucked up to drive. all ic an do is lay down. takes effort to even open eyes. eyes just want to stay shut. worse of all im gaining weight. nothing i can do about it. i am too sick to go to gym tried other day, and some fucker drugged me so i could barely move. can barely move now. cant lift up my dead legs, and even arms and hands r dead, and it is fifficult to lift even a spoon. i should care that i am dturning ainto a fat blob but ruth is am too goddamned sick to care about anythin.

Another day lost

Another day lost, another summer lost to the ravages of the psychotropic drugs. I try to gain hope from stories like little lost Jaycee--19 years of her life lost and her body ravaged by a man clearly under the same satanic inspiration and guidance as the ones who ravage me. I read yesterday of the peril the Earth is in, and truly didnt even care--I was too sick, deathbed sick, to care. I just wanted to pass over, and let the Earth pass over rather than suffer what I suffer. A population cannot even survive in this condition of which I have spent the majority of the last four years. For truly I am too sick to take care of the demands of daily life. My house is a mess, and I am too sick to care. Any scrap or morsel of energy I have automatically is given to immediate demands, but I am not capable of any industry or purpose. I cannot bear any emotional demands upon me--I just want to lay down and die. Gone is my energy, drive, joy and zest for living. At least today I am able to get up and move about--not so brain tumor sick that I can't even walk, hold my balance or my head. So once again, gotta start by trying to do basics, flapping feet to try to get some sense of body-self, wash dishes for the first time in a week, get thru the mountain of paperwork on my desk. And top of all this I still feel like shit. Summer is gone, wasted, lost, as is my life.

Sick sick sick

Sick sick sick with migraines caused by headaches. so fucked up i cant walk uprigth. i cant even walk. i shuffle feet. beautiful evening this evening but im so fucked up i can not enjoy or appreciate it. just the goddamned political luciferians and religious luciferians going at it again, trying to force me into their camp so they can force their evil hateful inhuman vision of world upon an unsuspecting humanithy. nothing i can do but suffer.

Excruciating pain, mindrape, psychosis

Excruciating pain, mindrape, psychosis--that is the process and end result of the agenda of those who have stolen my life and health from me. I talked to my ocusisn yesterday and she told me of the pain of sexual abuse. That is what is happening to me, only on the mental level. But the pain is real, it is physical. I wish i could blow my brain s out when they download their shit. even this morning i am so fucked up. muscles locked head hurts. There is absolutely nothing spiritual about my state of mind when this occurs--rather it is the barren bleakness of psychosis. I realize that if these people have their way, i will go insane--not functional insane, like all truly deeply people are, but nonfunctionally insane. i am not nonfunctionally insane today, but i am nonfunction., once again body catatonic, in too much pain to do anythin except God to releasse me from this hell one way or another.