Trying to figure out my next step

Trying to figure out my next step is not easy when I go to sleep with headaches, wake up with headaches,and fight headaches all day long.  Dr. Huaman is trying to convince me to have surgery on my right eye, and I am indecisive.  It probably would be for the best, since I suspect that I am going to have a vulnerability to excessive biochemical fluid and cells in my brain for the rest of my life.  Partly, it is the fault of the drugs that have been imposed on me, and continue to be imposed on me, but the undeniable root cause is that my brain cells are just not absorbing and transporting like they should.  So the concern of a swollen optic nerve probably will be an ongoing issue for the rest of my life.  But I have suffered so much physical, mental, and emotional agony at the hands of the NSA/Opus Dei doctors that I am loathe to give them another opportunity to inflict further permanent damage on me (I still haven't identified all the permanent ruination and scars they have inflicted on my body and brain).  Therefore, agreeing to any kind of surgery is a high risk issue of trust that my past experience and current circumstances make difficult to accept.  For I still am doped up and in pain, and all the dumbass "soldiers of Christ" who find it an amusing, alternative spiritual direction or a benevolent goad, should have to live with the headaches and inability to concentrate and focus that I have to endure 24/7.  This is not the time to reiterate the absolute degeneration of any "so-called" spiritual director who would inflict on another human being what has been inflicted upon me.  My time for payback will come, and my memory (despite the damage done by the lithium) is still extensive, and I can wait.  No, what I have to do now, is decide how best to proceed now.   I wish Dr. Huaman had rammed her medical opinion down my throat.  Then I would know exactly what to do, and I would thoroughly enjoy my defiance.  But she didn't.  She left the decision completely up to me, so now I am torn by indecision.  It doesn't help that she is impossible to read, with the most inscrutably neutral eyes.  I think she is a little bit "psychic" herself. 

I don't want to be antagonistic just to be contrary or rebellious.  I really want to do what is best for me and my health, but I have to contend with the fact that for the lasttwo years I have spent more money on treating my ill health than I have spent in all the years of my life.  The significant deterioration of my health didn't just "happen".  The medical profession's misdiagnoses and treatment, through deceit and lack of consent, deliberately and repeatedly caused my ill health.  It wouldn't be so bad except that I kept telling the doctors over and over how much pain I was in, and they wouldn't listen.  They just kept up the lies, the pretenses, and the relentless forced imposition of drugs that nearly killed me, and have left permanent damage. So, no, I cannot trust those NSA/Opus Dei doctors, because they have made it clear that they will not listen to or respect what I know to be true about the drug's side effects.  They don't care about my health.  That is why I am suffering so much right now, even as I write. So it is up to me to care, to defend and to preserve my health.  I have been very open to the Word of God for the past two days.  I didn't want to write about my Calcium and Magnesium deficiency a few entries back.  I didn't want to let these abusers know ANY weakness of mine, but God literally and undeniably commanded me to write it.  I always listen to the command of God, and I wish S/He would command me now, but matters must not be urgent, because nothing comes through, despite my receptivity.

What I have  "heard" came through in a dream.  I dreamed that I had been raped and traumatized, and I was asking God, "how do I heal?"  The answer came back, "Go back to Kentucky."  A holler in Eastern KY is where I spent my childhood, recovering no doubt (though I can't remember it), from the trauma of ritualistic abuse.  It is where I started to develop a sense of ego and self, slowly separating myself from the isolation of autistic fusion.  I don't think I need any more ego or self, but I think I need nature to heal me, as it did once before, when as a young child I spent hours and hours by myself in the woods.  I don't know why the woods are so healing for me.  I really don't pray that much out there.  I don't read or write much.  Sometimes I nap, but mostly I just am.  Spending so much time in the bosque, and trying to repair my body in the gym seems most appropriate right now.  I realized today, that I was glad that a prospective job didn't materialize.  I know that I amnot lazy, so if interiorly, I am glad to be unemployed, then it must be that I still need the downtime to heal from the psychic rape and bodily/brain trauma I have endured for the past years.  So heal me God.  I trust you.