Crazy

Crazy--being yanked from one psychotropic drug to another.  Tired of even writing about it.  Anoterh day when im nonfuctional.  Hurts to type, because my back muscles are so spasmed that it hurts to lift a finger.  Hurts to breathe.  Havent done yoga in a week and I think im too sick to go today.  I walk around as if i am in a high fever, unalbe to think or convrse clearly.  just want to sleep but have to pay some bills and rent today.

Autistic today, while realizing

Autistic today, while realizing how deep my chemical depression is.  I am writing this to notepad because the spy network I am on is denying me the ability to post to my blog.  Normally when this happens (and it happens more often than you would think—considering the resources available to my persecutors), I just shrug and say, “manana.”  But by tomorrow, I may be completely nonfunctional, so I had better write tonite. 

First off, I dreamed of two men in suits last nite—I realized that this dream was confirmation of PTB attempting to manipulate my dreamscape.  It’s okay.  Used to it by now. 

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I had woke up feeling a little better off physically, a fact I attributed to thyroid meds.  However, I struggled for mental clarity, and it has just gotten progressively worse.  I could actually read a little bit this morning, tho my comprehension was way off;now I wouldn’t even try. 

Severely autistic—to the point that I had to turn off the tv—couldn’t bear to watch the ball being thrown in the air and receivers running—gave me motion sickness.  I went for a bike ride and tho my legs were dead, I could bike.  Imagine my surprise as I came down with weird motion sickness riding my bike down my neighborhood alleyways.  Now I am crossing over from that sensation of moving images causing motion sickness to stimul overload (actually it has been going on all day—at one point I could see every whisker on  a quarterback’s face, and while biking I could see the brand logo of every car parked on a street).  Maybe it is the overstimulation by detail that causes the non function psychic shutdown.  Right now I cant keep my eyes open—just don’t want to see anything more. 

 

Then there is the depression.  As I talked to my mother today I realized how depressed I was.  I talked to her about <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Disneyland.  Ive been to the amusement park twice and each time loved it.  I loved seeing the enjoyment of the kids and I loved the entertainment and rides, esp the Space Mt. roller coaster which I remember spending two hours just riding over and over again (after 10 pm at nite there were no lines and I would get off the ride and run back to line for another trip).  As I realized how I groused to my mom, I thought “well the sobs have turned me into a joyless drone just like them.”  There is no more joy and excitement in my life.  From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed, everything is a hardship and a chore.  I force myself to work out but there is no joy that accompanies it.  I saw apurple and orange sky tonite and my mind said, this is a beautiful sunset, but I felt no familiar joy at experiencing the sunset.  Somewhere in my memory I just remembered that this is classified as “beautiful,” and memory tells me that beauty is very important even if I have no existential relation or response to it whatsoever.  I am in a chemical prison and my life is hell, and I may never be fully human again.  Goddamned rite its depressing.

What a laugh

What a laugh to think I am reclaiming anything.  Instead I am trying to endure torture of the first degree--psychotropic drugs that mess me up so bad I can do nothing.  It is like having a severe hangover, nauseated, pounding headache, and unable to bear any stimuli.  For those who have had severe hangovers, you know what I mean by "can't see straight."  Even now my eyesight is so messed up I cant read.  Then there are the back spasms.  Once again every muscle in my back feels wrenched out of place.  But worse now are the abdominal muscle spasms I am experiencing.  My ab muscles are now as locked as my back, legs, shoulders and neck (been getting progressively worse).  It feels like I am wearing a heavy layer of chain mail inside my belly and its hard to get up and sometimes to even breathe--it goes up to my diaphragm. My whole belly is now taut tense and tender to touch.  But the worst is when the muscles spasm, putting pressure on internal organs.  I wish to God for death.  I would have gone to the hospital this morning but I was too damned sick to drive and too damned sick to walk half a block to catch the bus.  Nobody has any idea of how much suffering I am experiencing--all I can do is cover up while I am kicked viciously and mercilessly.

In constant pain from back spasms

In constant pain from back spasms--it's so bad that it is hard to breathe.  I can barely walk, and now my lower calf muscles are beginning to stiffen in perpetual lock as my quad muscles have done for some time.  This makes me very worried because my knee, and now my ankle joints are constantly going out on me, without warning.  I am not walking right but I can't feel it, because my legs are so numb and dead.  So I fear that a joint is going to tweak way out while I am trying to walk as a semi-paralyzed woman, and break or snap some joint that will require major surgery.  I tried to walk two blocks yesterday and it felt like 5 miles.  I need to get a walker and a handicap sticker.  I am so tired of feeling that I am in the body of a 70 year old woman, but I am trying to push myself because I recognize that the forces doing this, and opposed to my well-being are too powerful not only for my little self, but for the entire world.  I have to make some changes.  My life is basically hell, but I see no way of ever escaping it.   All I can do is offer my record and let others know of the hell that is our likely future.  I have to try to find a way of inspiration for others even if I have no inspiriation myself.

One day reprieve over

One day reprieve over.  Very sick.  Unable to walk.  Too sick to function.

Miserable

Miserable  with locked muscles and weird muscle spasms.  In addition I have tender spots on my cranium.  Judging from the symmetry, I suspect that the recent drug overdose caused way too much csf in the brain and consequently tenderness where the implants are.  I suffer from continual bad headaches, aching, tender gums and tooth sensitivity !!! and this weird  feeling of a lump in my esophagus, as well as digestive bloating.  I know that I need serious medical attention but I know that I will never get it as long as these fundamentalist Christians keep playing their stupid torture games with me.  At least I could function today.  I am grateful for that--just sick of being sick ALL the goddamned time.

Not well enough

Not well enough to act on my resolve.  Not well enough to do anything.  Cant even watch TV.  Slept till noon, and that is the only time I am free of psychotropic hell--is when I sleep.  Otherwise I suffer with the headaches, the locked muscles (and now ive got weird spasms going on in my arm as well as the discomfort that comes with my abdominal muscles completely locked).  Im too sick to care.  I just try to drag myself around as little as possible and pray for the day that I am a free human being again.  But part of me laughs.  I laugh because these stupid fuckers are so far off.  They have no idea of how far they have driven me not only from their sick church but also how little they know or understand me.  I do think they understand they have lost me.  That is why the abuse is unrelenting.  and that is why they aimed a bullet into my head  what I am experiencing is nothing more than the torturing abuse of religious zealots living out the Inquisition all over again, but with 21st century techniques, and like Torquemada before them, they are pathetic sorry losers who long to know God, and control God, and have no idea of either the freedom of the human soul or the freedom of God.  But I give them their props--they know how to destroy flesh.  Congrats assholes.  I suffer.  I suffer every second I live.   But my suffering is all you stupid miserable fuckers get from me.  But you will NEVER get my free will to support you.  Get one thing clear assholes--we do not worship the same God.  You have warped the gospel and are an abomination on the face of the earth, and I am proud to defy you.  No matter the suffering.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.  Sadistic display of suffering.  No words can describe the agony I have endured over the last 24 hours.  I dreamed that a bullet was fired into my head.  Well, according the my dream interpretation, that bullet stands for someone else's aggression against me.  I know very well whose aggression it is and why it is there--it is the aggression of Opus Dei operatives (in the employ of three letter security agencies) against me for being lesbian, and for ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY repudiating their sick, warped version of religion.

Well, this morning as I sit with eyes that cannot see straight, legs that cannot walk, and a severe headache and backache, I feel something deep within me has changed.  For the first time in my life, I feel powerfully committed to helping gays and lesbians,  I cannot regain the last 10 years of my life which has been stolen from me, I cannot erase the psychic rape and violation that has occurred at every level of my psychic and emotional being.  I may never be a free woman or a healthy woman, capable of even walking normally, again.  But I can do my little part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian ever goes through what I have gone through from these hateful, religious zealots. 

I know that the problems of the world, and this country are deep and many, and I know that everyone suffers from some kind of affliction or oppression, and since I always look to see the big picture, and I look always to forgive and to get along, I didn't want commit to gay and lesbian advocacy, but now I do!! 

I always used to say to myself, "Medeita, most people are not ready for gay marriages, so just look at the big picture and get along."  No more.  I don't want to get along with conservative Christians anymore.  I want to confront them.  Whether they recognize me and my orientation, and my declared lifestyle choices and goals is no longer something I dodge or equivocate about. 

Sure, I know how deep the evil runs in this country, and the dismal prospects for our future, but my life has been stolen from me, and I can never regain it.  All I can do is my part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian person goes through the hell that I have gone through at the hands of Christian fundamentalists.  That is my goal and priority in life right now.  Everything else is secondary and I leave to God.

Lithium punch has me paralzyed

Lithium punch has me paralzyed--takes extreme effort of will to lift legs.  Happened last nite.  Woke up too sick to go to yoga, but I forced myself.  Sheer hell.  Every five minutes i was looking at clock to mark progress. 

Gentle class but I was too dead in my body to function, and everything is so difficult.  Typing is difficult.  I feel like stephen hawking--a intelligence in a dead non responsive body, but not really cause im too sick to concentrate.  Despair over how completely dead my body is.  after three years of non stop abuse and torture from religious nuts, i have no reserve left to fall back on.  all i can do is lay here in misery and wonder at what point i am going to be crawling to the bathroom instead ofusing my wheeled chair as a walker.

Off of psychotropics, back on speed--

Off of psychotropics, back on speed--getting ready for bed with the constant, locked muscle spasms I have now thanks to the speed.  I worry about permanent damage to my knees because I can't walk properly, and they kink out as I do the goosestep walk.  I also have to worry about locked muscles in my belly, neck, and biceps.  My hands are arthritic with this goddamned speed.  But what can I say--the more I read of the sheer, inhumane horror and evil that this govt and rogue security elements do to other individuals, and even unsuspecting innocents, the more I realize that I actually am quite lucky.  At least I am not in a cage, fed psychotropics and driven insane by demonic alien beings.  I think they have tried and still try to drive me insane--I think they try to conform my brain to their evil, warped patterns through biochemistry.  But, thank you God, for my faith--I think that is what wakes me up at night when they would worm their way into unguarded brain.  I just try to keep going.  As bad as my back and leg pain is tonight, I am going to have to take something to help me sleep.  I can only pray that God and His holy angels guard me in my sleep for I cannot defend myself against such predators, and the minions (Opus Dei) who sold me out to them.

Spoke too soon--mental torment and headaches back

Spoke too soon--mental torment and headaches back as once again i am whammied with psychotropics.  I am so sick and tired of not living life, of not being able to function, to think, to read to clean house, listen to music, ride a bide or exercise but just lay on the floor wiht a sheet wrapped round my head or watching tv.  Nothing interests me.  Cant think when my brain is so messed up.  I am so worried tho, I need a job, I need dental work badly (or I am going to lose an eyetooth), and I need opthalmic care for my messed up right eye--too much csf in the brain on the optic nerve.  But cant do anything about it right now.   Just try to sleep.