Autistic today, while realizing

Autistic today, while realizing how deep my chemical depression is.  I am writing this to notepad because the spy network I am on is denying me the ability to post to my blog.  Normally when this happens (and it happens more often than you would think—considering the resources available to my persecutors), I just shrug and say, “manana.”  But by tomorrow, I may be completely nonfunctional, so I had better write tonite. 

First off, I dreamed of two men in suits last nite—I realized that this dream was confirmation of PTB attempting to manipulate my dreamscape.  It’s okay.  Used to it by now. 

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I had woke up feeling a little better off physically, a fact I attributed to thyroid meds.  However, I struggled for mental clarity, and it has just gotten progressively worse.  I could actually read a little bit this morning, tho my comprehension was way off;now I wouldn’t even try. 

Severely autistic—to the point that I had to turn off the tv—couldn’t bear to watch the ball being thrown in the air and receivers running—gave me motion sickness.  I went for a bike ride and tho my legs were dead, I could bike.  Imagine my surprise as I came down with weird motion sickness riding my bike down my neighborhood alleyways.  Now I am crossing over from that sensation of moving images causing motion sickness to stimul overload (actually it has been going on all day—at one point I could see every whisker on  a quarterback’s face, and while biking I could see the brand logo of every car parked on a street).  Maybe it is the overstimulation by detail that causes the non function psychic shutdown.  Right now I cant keep my eyes open—just don’t want to see anything more. 

 

Then there is the depression.  As I talked to my mother today I realized how depressed I was.  I talked to her about <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Disneyland.  Ive been to the amusement park twice and each time loved it.  I loved seeing the enjoyment of the kids and I loved the entertainment and rides, esp the Space Mt. roller coaster which I remember spending two hours just riding over and over again (after 10 pm at nite there were no lines and I would get off the ride and run back to line for another trip).  As I realized how I groused to my mom, I thought “well the sobs have turned me into a joyless drone just like them.”  There is no more joy and excitement in my life.  From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed, everything is a hardship and a chore.  I force myself to work out but there is no joy that accompanies it.  I saw apurple and orange sky tonite and my mind said, this is a beautiful sunset, but I felt no familiar joy at experiencing the sunset.  Somewhere in my memory I just remembered that this is classified as “beautiful,” and memory tells me that beauty is very important even if I have no existential relation or response to it whatsoever.  I am in a chemical prison and my life is hell, and I may never be fully human again.  Goddamned rite its depressing.