In constant, miserable pain as the speed spasms the muscles in my back and abdomen, neck and shoulders, totally crippling my left thigh with nerve, as I try to drag it, and my equally dead right leg along. I constantly wonder whether this force-fed speed is just an attempt at mind control. If so, it won't work, because I won't concede my humanity. I go through days and moments when I am "broken", but then comes the memory of my essential humanity which I wonb't sell out, no matter how miserable the pain and suffering.
They can break down my brain though. I desperately want to write what is going on with me, but the mind cannot focus. It cannot read. I tried to read a little of St Augustine's Confessions today, and the effort literally made me sick (makes me wonder what the mindfuckers are so afraid of...--I know that some sadistic security agent somewhere has his finger on the brain implants that make me sick, releasing the chemicals whenever I would attempt to touch base with Truth or Beauty). I may not be able to get in touch with the truth, but I a sure can smell the lies and the liars from far away, and am getting increasingly disgusted at the lies being fed to the American public. But I don't want to focus on outing lies and liars. I just want to focus on the truth, but the truth for me right now is constant pain and torture. Beats being a candidate as a sellout traitor to the human race, just to satisfy personal ambition or comfort.
Then there is the problem with memory loss--I saw my supe from a year ago today, and I was utterly stumped. I absolutely could not remember his name! I read articles, and later in the day can not recall what I read. But I have to try to cling to my humanity even though the mindfuckers would take it away from me. Hang on Tita.
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