One day reprieve over

One day reprieve over.  Very sick.  Unable to walk.  Too sick to function.

Miserable

Miserable  with locked muscles and weird muscle spasms.  In addition I have tender spots on my cranium.  Judging from the symmetry, I suspect that the recent drug overdose caused way too much csf in the brain and consequently tenderness where the implants are.  I suffer from continual bad headaches, aching, tender gums and tooth sensitivity !!! and this weird  feeling of a lump in my esophagus, as well as digestive bloating.  I know that I need serious medical attention but I know that I will never get it as long as these fundamentalist Christians keep playing their stupid torture games with me.  At least I could function today.  I am grateful for that--just sick of being sick ALL the goddamned time.

Not well enough

Not well enough to act on my resolve.  Not well enough to do anything.  Cant even watch TV.  Slept till noon, and that is the only time I am free of psychotropic hell--is when I sleep.  Otherwise I suffer with the headaches, the locked muscles (and now ive got weird spasms going on in my arm as well as the discomfort that comes with my abdominal muscles completely locked).  Im too sick to care.  I just try to drag myself around as little as possible and pray for the day that I am a free human being again.  But part of me laughs.  I laugh because these stupid fuckers are so far off.  They have no idea of how far they have driven me not only from their sick church but also how little they know or understand me.  I do think they understand they have lost me.  That is why the abuse is unrelenting.  and that is why they aimed a bullet into my head  what I am experiencing is nothing more than the torturing abuse of religious zealots living out the Inquisition all over again, but with 21st century techniques, and like Torquemada before them, they are pathetic sorry losers who long to know God, and control God, and have no idea of either the freedom of the human soul or the freedom of God.  But I give them their props--they know how to destroy flesh.  Congrats assholes.  I suffer.  I suffer every second I live.   But my suffering is all you stupid miserable fuckers get from me.  But you will NEVER get my free will to support you.  Get one thing clear assholes--we do not worship the same God.  You have warped the gospel and are an abomination on the face of the earth, and I am proud to defy you.  No matter the suffering.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.

Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment.  Sadistic display of suffering.  No words can describe the agony I have endured over the last 24 hours.  I dreamed that a bullet was fired into my head.  Well, according the my dream interpretation, that bullet stands for someone else's aggression against me.  I know very well whose aggression it is and why it is there--it is the aggression of Opus Dei operatives (in the employ of three letter security agencies) against me for being lesbian, and for ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY repudiating their sick, warped version of religion.

Well, this morning as I sit with eyes that cannot see straight, legs that cannot walk, and a severe headache and backache, I feel something deep within me has changed.  For the first time in my life, I feel powerfully committed to helping gays and lesbians,  I cannot regain the last 10 years of my life which has been stolen from me, I cannot erase the psychic rape and violation that has occurred at every level of my psychic and emotional being.  I may never be a free woman or a healthy woman, capable of even walking normally, again.  But I can do my little part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian ever goes through what I have gone through from these hateful, religious zealots. 

I know that the problems of the world, and this country are deep and many, and I know that everyone suffers from some kind of affliction or oppression, and since I always look to see the big picture, and I look always to forgive and to get along, I didn't want commit to gay and lesbian advocacy, but now I do!! 

I always used to say to myself, "Medeita, most people are not ready for gay marriages, so just look at the big picture and get along."  No more.  I don't want to get along with conservative Christians anymore.  I want to confront them.  Whether they recognize me and my orientation, and my declared lifestyle choices and goals is no longer something I dodge or equivocate about. 

Sure, I know how deep the evil runs in this country, and the dismal prospects for our future, but my life has been stolen from me, and I can never regain it.  All I can do is my part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian person goes through the hell that I have gone through at the hands of Christian fundamentalists.  That is my goal and priority in life right now.  Everything else is secondary and I leave to God.

Lithium punch has me paralzyed

Lithium punch has me paralzyed--takes extreme effort of will to lift legs.  Happened last nite.  Woke up too sick to go to yoga, but I forced myself.  Sheer hell.  Every five minutes i was looking at clock to mark progress. 

Gentle class but I was too dead in my body to function, and everything is so difficult.  Typing is difficult.  I feel like stephen hawking--a intelligence in a dead non responsive body, but not really cause im too sick to concentrate.  Despair over how completely dead my body is.  after three years of non stop abuse and torture from religious nuts, i have no reserve left to fall back on.  all i can do is lay here in misery and wonder at what point i am going to be crawling to the bathroom instead ofusing my wheeled chair as a walker.

Off of psychotropics, back on speed--

Off of psychotropics, back on speed--getting ready for bed with the constant, locked muscle spasms I have now thanks to the speed.  I worry about permanent damage to my knees because I can't walk properly, and they kink out as I do the goosestep walk.  I also have to worry about locked muscles in my belly, neck, and biceps.  My hands are arthritic with this goddamned speed.  But what can I say--the more I read of the sheer, inhumane horror and evil that this govt and rogue security elements do to other individuals, and even unsuspecting innocents, the more I realize that I actually am quite lucky.  At least I am not in a cage, fed psychotropics and driven insane by demonic alien beings.  I think they have tried and still try to drive me insane--I think they try to conform my brain to their evil, warped patterns through biochemistry.  But, thank you God, for my faith--I think that is what wakes me up at night when they would worm their way into unguarded brain.  I just try to keep going.  As bad as my back and leg pain is tonight, I am going to have to take something to help me sleep.  I can only pray that God and His holy angels guard me in my sleep for I cannot defend myself against such predators, and the minions (Opus Dei) who sold me out to them.

Spoke too soon--mental torment and headaches back

Spoke too soon--mental torment and headaches back as once again i am whammied with psychotropics.  I am so sick and tired of not living life, of not being able to function, to think, to read to clean house, listen to music, ride a bide or exercise but just lay on the floor wiht a sheet wrapped round my head or watching tv.  Nothing interests me.  Cant think when my brain is so messed up.  I am so worried tho, I need a job, I need dental work badly (or I am going to lose an eyetooth), and I need opthalmic care for my messed up right eye--too much csf in the brain on the optic nerve.  But cant do anything about it right now.   Just try to sleep.