Stupid me

Stupid me--thinking my depression was a natural result of studying topics of deep evil. Nope--my depression is caused by the chemicals of TPTB as once more they force feed me poisonous shit to get me into passive alignment with an agenda that more and more I suspect. I woke up this morning feeling the full force of the goddamned chemicals (whatever the fuck it is), and I recognize the feeling--the feeling that I hate life and don't want to be here, and have to drag myself out of bed and force myself to live. But I can see now where the chemicals started (question, Tita--am I being force fed the chemicals so I won't dream the truth, and thus know and reveal all of their sordid schemes and plots--well I am sorry buddies, but I have an inner orientation for the truth, and I am incapable of sustained effort against it), or was I fed it day before yesterday? I think it was day before yesterday because for the last two nights I have suffered from the most crippling and severe of arthritic pain in my shoulders and neck. This happens when I am force fed drugs that interfere with my ability to naturally block (my otherwise omnipresent) arthritic pain. I cannot live at that level of arthritic pain. It is a gift from God that I am naturally able to block the pain naturally with my own brain chemical interactions, and these stupid assholes with their fake drugs and chemicals can't begin to even approach the level of my own self healing mechanism. So then, it stands to reason that they like the talking in tongues (no doubt they can interpret it, not because of a gift of interpretation from God, but rather through the most complete language database in the world, no doubt with ET input). So they like that. I guess the stupid goose was laying pure gold in my sleep and they think their drugs had something to do with it. Wrong again assholes. The need to dream was created by all the ideas from the research swirling in my head. Your goddamned drugs meake it hateful for me to go to sleep and interfere with my ability to dream. So then, the drugging started two nights ago--what impact it had on my dream life two nights ago was negligible, no matter what they might think. However, now the chemical has thoroughly saturated my brain, and I suspect it will impact dreaming. It sure as hell as impacted waking. The first thing to go yesterday morning was my ability to listen to music. First clue that the motherfuckers are feeding me psychotropic drugs. Normally, I constantly am singing--in my head, in my heart, on my lips--everywhere. When I need to focus mental energy I prefer to listen to music, so that I free my mind from its own natural desire to constantly sing. When I am sick with these psychotropic drugs, I cannot bear to hear music. The first thing I will attempt is to change the station to classical to escape lyrics (it's a brain thing--the brain cannot multitask and listen to lyrics and think at the same time). But then, soon enough (I've had years of abuse to figure this out), the brain can no longer handle listening to music at the same time as thinking. When it is at its worse, the brain cannot handle any stimuli at all. Right now I am listening to nature sounds--soothes me because it reminds me of being a little kid and being surrounded by nature sounds all the time. But I don't focus on it. Cant.
Second indication that I am too sick with psychotropic drugs. Unable to get the energy to do simple chores. When I felt bbetter, I started cleaning house, and there's just a few things I need to do to get the house where I want it. But I am too sick to take any initiative in even the most superficial of house cleaning, or anything else for that matter.
Thirdly,I wanted to get out of the house yesterday, but I couldn't even get the energy to get up and go for a walk.
Finally, the crushing depression has hit, and I no longer am focused on obtaining energy to do simplest of tasks. Rather I am focused on trying to find a reason to live in this slave body that I find so hateful and just wish to escape, anyway possible. Last night I watched some videos of B5 on the web and am reminded of Lorien asking Sheridan, "It's easy to find something to die for, do you have anything to live for?" The truth is I don't --trying to hold on to somehting, in the meantime forcing myself to function when I am so deprressed and in such physical pain. I hate my life I don't want to live it, and I am tired of struggling to sustain self against such overwhelming misery, slavery, and depresson.

Depression

Depression--struggling with the physical pain caused by the psychotropics--muscle spasms in belly and back and arthritis in the neck and shoulders, and the knowledge that there is nothing I can do about it. Also I have been doing intensive research in alternative media (unfortunately, I believe it to be true), and everything seems so dark and hopeless. There seems to be no way out at any level, though I suspect that there are true leaders and warriors fighting from behind the scenes of the media-played power who are trying to prevent the triumph of evil. But I have to take that on faith, because it certainly is not happening on the surface of things. This matters, because I am a victim of high level, powerbrokered evil, and it sucks because unlike most professional power players who suffer from the same dilemma, I have never made a bargain with the devil for personal gain and ambition, and my choice and preference has always been for the simple, free, and even hidden, life.
But depression is always personal, and there is no doubt that all this godamned speed and the physical pain it causes is severely depressing. Last night I dreamed I woke up speaking in tongues after seeing a man (who I did not recognize). I think I speak in tongues when I feel threatened by evil. Had a hard time sleeping and when I awoke my face was all puffy and heavy and coarse with fluid and depression. No, not a good night at all, and probably won't be again tonight. Already I am suffering from severe muscle spasms. I have to fight to keep going.

After a truly horrific night

After a truly horrific night in which the psychotropic drugs caused tremendous and unbearable suffering, I am back on the more pedestrian psychotropics. The mirapex is gone and once again I am miserable with digestive issues. I think I am on speed which makes me high, and very very slow and sluggish. It is hard to function, but after yesterday's total inability to function and last night's hell, I have to say that I feel so much better. I learned today that that the Greek word for pharmocopia is sorcery. I have to laugh to think that TPTB--whether it be the Opus Dei idolators or the political NWO satanic idolators and their puppets, think for one minute they can make some alchemical change that will conform my heart to their heresy. Nope. Won't happen. But don't worry human haters, you can indeed destroy me, make my life unproductive and miserable--that is what you have done quite successfully for the last 10 plus years, and while I can hold on to my faith, I haven't yet come up with a strategy to overcome the bare and most basic of survival modes that I am in.

FUCK Y0U GODDAMNED ASSHOLES

FUCK Y0U GODDAMNED ASSHOLES-=-IM tired of suffering because you goddamned motherfuckers wont give me my life. i am sick o0f being put on goaddamn lithium and goddamned arisperdo;. i wish to fuck i coulfd get my fucking hands on your fucking stupid psychs and priests behind this shit. as it is i have no sensation in arms or legs. eyes wont open and when they do they shut to keep out stimuli. full of the rage and suicidal mood swings that can only mean lithium. non functional rightr now. I am tired of being treated like shit. I am sick of seeing the goddamned Christians smile in my face. I want nothing to do with you, you goddamned abusive fuckers. Leave me alone. Not able to do antyhing. Afraid of how much weight i am going to gain this time around WISH I WERE DEAD GOD IF YOU CAN HEAR GOD TAKE ME HOME AWAY FROM THESE GODDAMNED TORTURERS. PLEASE GOD TAKE ME HOME

Very very sick

Very very sick--too sick to even try to figure out what kind of drugs I have been given. Clearly mirapex is gone, as my belly is bloated and have lost all appetite. Least of my worries though as once again i am suffering from migraines and cannot bear any kind of stimuli--easier to leave eyes shut. Horrble migraine last night I took pheregan, but even that had been tampered with. Today I am too sick to functrion. just want to lay in bed with eyes shut. so sick of this shit God. so sick. Interesting dream last night--dreamed of AD--second night I have dreamed of AD. She told me to take calciumtrex. I looked up calciumtrex on the web--it is a food given to live prey of reptiles (shall we say reptilians? sure why not) to better nourish the reptiles. I guess that my calcium lack really hinders the harvest nurtured by and created for the implants for their masters, so they keep giving me psychotropic drugs that make me sick to the point of nonfunction in order to increase their yield. Fuckers. and you think i will cooperate with you?

So fucking sick as once again the mirapex is pulled

So fucking sick as once again the mirapex is pulled, leaving me with a head that floats with heaviness and an inability to function. Yesterday (when mirapex was in my system), I was able to clean my house simultaneously while watching football. Today, I have to drag myself to move, and just feel like shit and low energy to the point of nonfunction. On top of that I have the same old digestive problems. I had hopes to clean house today, as there were no games I wanted to watch, but I am back to being too sick to do anything. Thanks assholes. I bet that is what Bill Richardson is saying too. But he was stupid (or too potilically ambitious) enough to buy into your lies and schemes. I never have. Leave me the fuck alone.

No New Year resolution for me

No New Year resolution for me--a long time ago I decided that as long as I am as out of control of my body as any slave that the only resolution for me is to survive another day. I am very upset because the Mirapex has been pulled. I knew it when I got the "pregnant belly" again. I think the Mirapex influences FSH and lutein which in turn influences my ability to digest and metabolize. I need the Mirapex to get my body back to normal there, but TPTB have decided against it--probably because it conflicts with the speed they force feed me. Instead I am being given some hateful drug at night (I don't think its Depakote, but it could be a low dosage) that causes me to wake up cranky and angry, and also totally ruins my ability to dream. Since I depend so heavily on my dreams to orient my waking life, that is a miserable, hateful hardship. But then my life has been miserable and hateful for so long that I just deal with it. But there is no question about it--there is no use for a lab rat to make a New Year's resolution--instead I just have to go back into maintenance mode--just trying to survive one day to the next, struggling to keep my weight from rising above the 202 pounds that I am now (I was at 196 pounds before they pulled the Mirapex) and I have gained six pounds in six days--but four of it is probably a fluid bloated belly. I have lost my appetite again, even though I am suffering with the crazy blood sugar and sick headaches again, but then that is my metaphor for my life--no appetite to live whatsoever. Just maintain, Tita, and hope that one day I will be a free human being again.