Waiting to die

Waiting to die. Instructive exchange yesterday right before yoga class. As I was sitting there talking with a couple of middle-aged people about which yoga instructors were more "gentle" and "restorative" for those of us "who are getting old", I encountered felt resistance, and a few seconds later, heard one of the men tell another "I can't believe she said "getting old." It was a learning moment for me--yes Medeita, as hard as it is to believe, there are people my age who enjoy being alive and feel alive and vigorous." And I have to be careful not to assume that every middle-aged person feels like me--that life is over, that I willl never know happiness, vitality, joy, energy, bodily self-control, psychological free will and choice, and the love of a woman ever again. I hate to be pessimistic, but my middle aged peers don't know what it is like to tell the leg to move and have it sit there like a rock. They don't know what it is like to not be able to feel your limbs, to have to shuffle your feet in baby steps, and to consider a 30 yard walk to be a major achievement of which to be proud, and a 1/2 mile walk to be dauntingly fatiguing. They don't know what it is like to have every joy of your life stripped from you by chemicals and religious zealots and Nazi scientists. I used to be so full of plans and ambitions and desires to initiate and impact my life and those around me--to be open to the reality of everything and everyone around me, and to be in harmony through proactive prayer and good intent. Now I just stumble through the hell that is my chemical reality, amazed that I am able to finish a book (a novel) in 2 months that before would have taken me two days. Still can't think on the book like I used to, but I know it was worthwhile. No, the only thing I am good for these days is escaping this hellish, painful reality by watching TV, and sometimes I am too drugged up to do even that. It is 9 am in the morning, and already my eyes are shutting--my poisoned brain just can't handle even the most element of reality---visual stimuli. I had wanted to ogo to church and get some new speakers installed but like a sick, miserable 90 something senior, my desire to live is running into resistance from a body and brain that just wishes to lay down and die. I used to be so full of joy in life. My favorite scripture verse used to be, " I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full." I woke up every morning and the first thing that automatically came to mind was "Thank you God for this beautiful day." Now the first thing that comes to mind upon awakening is "Shit" Then come something along the lines of "Do I have to get up? I feel like death warmed over. Another day I have to suffer." My favorite scripture now is "the Light has come into the world and the darkness can not overcome it." Because my life is ruled by minions and poisons and stupid, unwitting stoolies of the dark--SLI, Opus Dei, security agencies, etc., all I can do is cling in faith (and memory of a happier time and reality) that whatever reason God has given me this hateful portion of suffering to endure as my life there was a time when I was in vital relationship with God and others (and if the stupid Nazi religious fucks think that my relationships were "psychotic" or "neurotic", so what? They were productive in every way, and I still am proud of them as the most accomplished achievements of my life and the way that they impacted the world and others in physical and spiritual ways and gave honor and glory and homage to my God doing so). Now I just drag myself through day to day, waiting for a release that I now believe will only come about through death from this physical plane and the suffering of my broken, drugged up body and brain. But I guess I have to keep my feelings in private, through the blog. After all, most people in life still have something to celebrate, still have joy, still have life. It is my greatest misfortune and injustice that I don't. Waiting for death--please speed it up God.

Messed up--

Messed up--dont know if it is excess csf or another round of psychotropics, just know eyes dont want to open-cant stand stimul. Once again, cant watch tv--all the images and people just too weird.

Respite from a day and night of hell

Respite from a day and night of hell--whatever drugs I was fed left me nearly paralyzed and going out of mind with psychic suffering (can't say for sure but I suspect their goddamned drugs create psychosis). All I know is that I cannot bear any stimuli whatsoever. But today is a new day--have to get up and on. It is getting harder though because I can't walk very well at all. My right hip is so bad that my entire right leg is numb and dead. I am so tired of feeling like shit and being in pain all the time.

No sensation in legs or arms

No sensation in legs or arms--can't walk. Mind not able to think. This is going to be another wasted day in my wasted slave life. nable to bear stimul of any kind.

206 pounds and all is hell

206 pounds and all is hell--severely depressed over my out of control weight gain. I dont know if i will be able to fit the clothes i just bought. I cant gain any more weight --i am at max at clothes already i cant afford to have own personal tailor. I am too short to carry this weight.
Severely autistic right now thanx to whatever fucking drug these assholes gave me now. Unable to keep eyes open. cant bear stimuli. Everything overwhelming. Yoga was very difficult because I could not stop vibrating and had no sensation in body--totally alienated from every part of my body--feel like a grounded beached whale. Very depressed that these fuckers keep playing games with me and destorying my body and my ability to digest (once again i have a cinder block in belly but its not caused by lack of thyroid--rather it is what they gave me). Unable to do anything. Too fucked up to write read or do anything.

So fucked up on whatever psychotropic drug

So fucked up on whatever psychotropic drug these piece of shit assholes gave me that once again I am not seeing fACES (on the internet) normally. Great fucking job assholes. Not enough that you make it impossible for me to function, that you fuck up my body you just arent satisfiedc till im a fucking psychotic wreck like you evil sons of bitches. I was going to go tothe hospital tomorrow beczause i am in constant pain and cannot stand or walk but as nite as progressed irecognize sam old lithium symptoms--walking to smash shit, scream hit, rage , and mutilate myself, so i am now all worried that i will fuck up tomorrow and endsup in psych hospital (and never get out BECAUSE GUESS WHAT YOU EVIL FUCKERS--II WILL NEVER BE ONE OF YOU--AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DO TO GOOD PEOPLE, MORAL PEOPLE, HEALTHY PEOPLE WHO KNOW THE TRUTH). nope doesnt look good for me, but guess what inside you cant break me. got to sleep on it --expect another nite from hell--i cant even sleep in bed because i cant get in bed. FUCKING GODDAMNED NAZIS ND ALL Your evil minions--go to hell.

Incredible pain

Incredible pain--I am high on my own self-producing brain chemicals as it tries to block the pain (and very likely permanent damage) now done to my right hip by the goddamned torturers. There is nothing I can do to escape the pain, and now I can feel the nerves all involved--nerves on the right side of my knee and nerves going the entire length of my left side of my right leg all the way to the outside of the big toe. Great--how nice to know that I spent years fighting to keep my injured lower right back and hip healthy just to have it all destroyed by these fuckers and their totalitarian stupidity and disregard for human life. Despite every effort I have made in the last two days to stretch out the muscles going into the hip, I have gone from not being able to walk 3/4's of a mile for a constitutional to not being able to walk even in my own home. I have to drag the right leg with the foot clubbed out, and even then the pain is fantastic to the extreme. I cannot even stand up straight--the pain in the pelvic girdle is unbearable, and I immediately and involuntarily buckle. I cannot get into my own bed, as I can not lift my right leg up to saddle into the bed nor can I put any pressure whatsoever on the right leg to try to saddle the left leg up. Just what I needed==permanent hip problems and pain. All this caused by the massive push done by the emf and speed dope dealers just because I started to get a little closer to the truth. Well congratulations assholes--you've destroyed my body and left me in chronic pain.