Sunday, October 18, 2009
Legs are getting worse
Legs are getting worse and worse--deader and deader as I try to walk or move. Pain is getting worse too. I spent the last two nites crying as I struggled with the pain. Even now, I just want to shake to get rid of pain, too late at nite to listen to shaking music tho.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Another bad day
Another bad day--nearly passed out in the truck and feeling like shit now. All kinds of shit going on but I cant get a grasp on it because i am too fucked up on this goddamned alien shit that destroys my body and brain (all the better to serve the evil empire, my dear). on tv watched segment on brain damage and rewiring--i realize that i now clearly am suffering from symnptoms of brain damage caused by the lithium. I never used to shut eyes and move hands when talking. too sick to make any sense. need to go to bed, knock out on alcohol tylenol pm and hope i wake up tomorrow feeling better.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Another level of torture begins
Another level of torture begins--constant migraines, nausea, and vertigo. I spent part of the day laying down with a sheet wrapped around my head. Felt a lil better after taking a fiornal (but I can't continue to take fiornal--i don't have enough of the medication)/ Went for a bike ride, it was a lovely autumn day in the bosque--the kind that makes me long for intimate companionship. Then back home to more nausea. I can feel the tenderness in my head, the bulging need for pressure in my neck and constant vertigo and dizzinesss. The eyes once again do not want to open. Couldn't even watch tv because the images were making me even more nauseaus--especially of motion. Tried to do some shaking, but i was so sick that i could not shake until i laed down and just moved my legs. On top of it all, I am sick with sweaty heat and nauseza. even writing this , i feel the goddanned shit downloading, the heat , nausea, ssick. i probably will end up taking fenergan. too sick to write anymore
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Politics may be changing but the goddamned religous zealots
Politics may be changing but the goddamned religous zealots continue to hound and harass my life. I've had a very hard day with a sick friend but it doesn't help to come home and have the goddmaned pricks downloading all these psychotropics in my head. I am so sick and nauseated with severe headache and vertigo. worst of all my body muscles are now locked because i havent been able to do any yoga. the ongoing neverending pain of back spasms is sheer hell. i hoped to go to yoga but tomorrow but right now i am on the cusp of being comepletely nonfunctional once again with pain. i am so sick of this fucking shit. i got cockroaches all over my house because i was too goddamned sick to have the pesticide man pay a svc call. i just am too sick to do anything.
But hell, that is okay the fucking opus dei and roman catholic police are still at it, trying to get a "saint" they can own and understand, playing stupid games as if i don't know that they follow ever "healing" however mild or innocuous i attempt, or try to hide from me my own hermaphroditic nature. Why? Becauyse in their small little world, that indicates special status. Bullshit. I am no more special than all the rest of the intersexed men and women of the world. That poor South African runner who was roundly humiliated for her intersex nature is not more a potential saint or icon of special humanity than I am. Than EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the world is, whether definitely male, female or intersexed. My healing abilities are no more special than those of the 10-15% of the world population that has healing ability (nearly all of it latent, unrecognized, untapped and unappreciated. Why? Because of religious zealots who, like the ones who persecute me, deny their free will, their own self-empowerment, and their own choice at self-identity. And why not? Look at the hell I have suffered by insisting on being free and self-determined. So, the poor pathetic relisious zealots, without an ounce of genuine spirituality in their makeup, move to control me, to fetishize me, to be celibate (or at least heterosexual--"no no no--there's no such thing as a saint who is actively homosexual"--that is because they have no clue what constitues sanctity, obedient to their sick warped satanic Pope, and available for their every projection. FUCK YOU ALL. I prayed for Lupe today, even though it was very sad to see her sick to the point of dying, because Lupe did not treat me like a "saint" (i.e she didn't put webcams in my house to watch my every move, she didn't insist that I conform to her expectations, she didn't drug me against my will so that I would be the "good girl" "kept woman" model image of feminity that Catholics so prize, and that the SLI and the teachings of JPII tried to shove down my throat, until the point of comeple disassociation. Any real woman would do the same, but there are a lot of psychological girls in the zealot's ranks who do their bidding and contribute to the prison walls that is now my life, but better to be free inside of my soul and heart and imprisoned on the outside, than to be imprisoned on the inside while the Catholic spiritual lameasses all flock around wanting me to touch them to heal them. Fuck that. Healing does not occur until the person wanting to be healed takes up their own co-creating responsibility for healing. And Lupe with all of her psychological problems, was NOT a "girl." For all of her bad habits and heavy drinking, she took more responsibility for her healing than all the rest of these candle-lighting, pathetic crowd demanding a saint. Why? Because she never expected or assumed healing of me. I was not a "saint" to her. I was a friend. She drank whiskey with me. She ate barbeque and Thanksgiving turkey with me. She gave me 5 Vicodin when I was suffering terribly from the goddamned lithium and brain stem strangulation--that was a guardian angel move, because I don't know how i could have survived that time frame without those Vicodin (I broke them into thirds). She told ribald jokes to me, and laughed and chatted with me about nothing consequential, which for someone of my intensity, is the most refreshing and appreciated of gifts. She was uncomfortable with my being lesbian, but she accepted me as I was and understood that even though she didn't understand my sexual orientation, she knew that I was still a good person, and allowed me the freedom to be me, including my lesbian sexuality. That is why my prayer had (and hopefully, has--at least until tomorrow) efficacy for Lupe, because she was a friend to me who went out of her way to try to make my life a little easier. For all you 10-15%ers, you need to start shaking off the shackles of organized religion, and recognize your spiritual freedom and self-empowerment because the world needs you. I need a friend, an intimate friend. Situations like today remind me how desperately I need someone to share my life. I need someone to talk to, someone to hold me, and to love me, and to cuddle with me. I need someone to massage my spasmed back, to kiss me and caress me, someone to relieve my sorrow and loneliness. Instead I got nothing but the goddamned spies reading every word and monitoring me from multiple webs while they say, and chanting the same old tired litany, drinking the same old wine--"Well just tell God how lonely you are and God will fill everything, and then we will have our celibate, "pin the tail on the donkey" saint. These assholes don't get it. Never have. They are living according to an outdated template that has no validity for the future, and especially for my future. But they won't listen (hell, they still play the same game of disinterest), so there's nothing for it but a nite of pain and suffering--gotta try to sleep with my back so fucked up and my head spinning with vertigo.
But hell, that is okay the fucking opus dei and roman catholic police are still at it, trying to get a "saint" they can own and understand, playing stupid games as if i don't know that they follow ever "healing" however mild or innocuous i attempt, or try to hide from me my own hermaphroditic nature. Why? Becauyse in their small little world, that indicates special status. Bullshit. I am no more special than all the rest of the intersexed men and women of the world. That poor South African runner who was roundly humiliated for her intersex nature is not more a potential saint or icon of special humanity than I am. Than EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the world is, whether definitely male, female or intersexed. My healing abilities are no more special than those of the 10-15% of the world population that has healing ability (nearly all of it latent, unrecognized, untapped and unappreciated. Why? Because of religious zealots who, like the ones who persecute me, deny their free will, their own self-empowerment, and their own choice at self-identity. And why not? Look at the hell I have suffered by insisting on being free and self-determined. So, the poor pathetic relisious zealots, without an ounce of genuine spirituality in their makeup, move to control me, to fetishize me, to be celibate (or at least heterosexual--"no no no--there's no such thing as a saint who is actively homosexual"--that is because they have no clue what constitues sanctity, obedient to their sick warped satanic Pope, and available for their every projection. FUCK YOU ALL. I prayed for Lupe today, even though it was very sad to see her sick to the point of dying, because Lupe did not treat me like a "saint" (i.e she didn't put webcams in my house to watch my every move, she didn't insist that I conform to her expectations, she didn't drug me against my will so that I would be the "good girl" "kept woman" model image of feminity that Catholics so prize, and that the SLI and the teachings of JPII tried to shove down my throat, until the point of comeple disassociation. Any real woman would do the same, but there are a lot of psychological girls in the zealot's ranks who do their bidding and contribute to the prison walls that is now my life, but better to be free inside of my soul and heart and imprisoned on the outside, than to be imprisoned on the inside while the Catholic spiritual lameasses all flock around wanting me to touch them to heal them. Fuck that. Healing does not occur until the person wanting to be healed takes up their own co-creating responsibility for healing. And Lupe with all of her psychological problems, was NOT a "girl." For all of her bad habits and heavy drinking, she took more responsibility for her healing than all the rest of these candle-lighting, pathetic crowd demanding a saint. Why? Because she never expected or assumed healing of me. I was not a "saint" to her. I was a friend. She drank whiskey with me. She ate barbeque and Thanksgiving turkey with me. She gave me 5 Vicodin when I was suffering terribly from the goddamned lithium and brain stem strangulation--that was a guardian angel move, because I don't know how i could have survived that time frame without those Vicodin (I broke them into thirds). She told ribald jokes to me, and laughed and chatted with me about nothing consequential, which for someone of my intensity, is the most refreshing and appreciated of gifts. She was uncomfortable with my being lesbian, but she accepted me as I was and understood that even though she didn't understand my sexual orientation, she knew that I was still a good person, and allowed me the freedom to be me, including my lesbian sexuality. That is why my prayer had (and hopefully, has--at least until tomorrow) efficacy for Lupe, because she was a friend to me who went out of her way to try to make my life a little easier. For all you 10-15%ers, you need to start shaking off the shackles of organized religion, and recognize your spiritual freedom and self-empowerment because the world needs you. I need a friend, an intimate friend. Situations like today remind me how desperately I need someone to share my life. I need someone to talk to, someone to hold me, and to love me, and to cuddle with me. I need someone to massage my spasmed back, to kiss me and caress me, someone to relieve my sorrow and loneliness. Instead I got nothing but the goddamned spies reading every word and monitoring me from multiple webs while they say, and chanting the same old tired litany, drinking the same old wine--"Well just tell God how lonely you are and God will fill everything, and then we will have our celibate, "pin the tail on the donkey" saint. These assholes don't get it. Never have. They are living according to an outdated template that has no validity for the future, and especially for my future. But they won't listen (hell, they still play the same game of disinterest), so there's nothing for it but a nite of pain and suffering--gotta try to sleep with my back so fucked up and my head spinning with vertigo.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
A nite of screams and tears
A nite of screams and tears as violent pain once agrain wracked my body--especially my whole left side of lower bag, buttock, hip and thigh. The nerve pain is just unbelievable. I can see the necrotized, absent (dented) tissue in my thighs where the implants are literally destroying my body, and sending the shooting pain to nerves in my thighs.
I woke up with the head a lil clearer, as if the psychotropic drugs I have been forcefed the last three days are gone. Unfortunately the goddamned mothefuckers so traumatized my brain and body so badly that I still am severely dysfunctional. Once again, I am suffering from severe vertigo--I'm not talking mild dizziness--I'm talking a feeling of imbalance and violent dizziness so severe that I have to walk holding onto something for balance, and fear passing out or collapsing in a heap whenever the vertigo hits--which it does every time I move, even if just a slight turn, my head. I am not seeing out of my right eye, and my entire head, but especially the right side is tender to the touch. My brain is not right--jphysically/spatially speaking--it feels like it is pressing against the top of my skull and down on my neck. Even though it is extremely heavy, I feel giddily lightheaded, especially when I walk, as if I am down with a high, high fever (which has only happenedd a couple of times in my life, but I recognize it). I am hoping that my brain is swollen, and that as the swelling recedes so will the vertigo and my tenuous ability to function in reality. Otherwise, what has happened is the severe head pain and trauma has once more caused my inner ear "rocks" to roll out of place, and there is no treatment for that but physical therapy. This happened once before when I had a severe migraine, but I had insurance then, and access to a good physical therapist who healed it. My body is so wracked and traumatized by migraines and head pain on such a regular, nearly daily basis, that I quit crying over it a long time ago. Like an animal, I just suffer mutely, in neverending pain at the hands of my torturers. Now the severe head trauma may have rolled my rocks again, but the mds I see are next to worthless, and I can't go to the ER because of fear of being forced again into the hell that is a psychiatric hospital. It is better to be in hell in my home, than in a hospital with a bunch of really ill people, and stupidass doctors who only have access to the factual info they memorized and no commonsense or depth of awareness of the human personality and reality whatsoever. So I am going to have to try to live with this new level of suffering. I have to try to drive today--just a little bit--to see if it is possible for me to drive all the way to Corrales tomorrow to see Dale. Just take it slow, Tita, take everything very slowly.
Addendum--after taking a shower for the first time in threee days and getting into a pair of shorts, it is clear that the goddamned fuckers have once again caused me to gain weight. my guess is about three or maybe four pounds. i have no access to a scale but i can tell by the way my clothes DON'T fit me, that once again the pieces of shit have put on fat on my body--fat that I will never get rid of, fat that makes it impossible for me to wear clothes that already are at the limit of rack and wear, fat that drives me to despair because i know no matter how i try i cant lose it. One thing is clear from this last interlude--there is absolutely no point in trying to maintain my body--every effort on my part is met by a redoubling of the drugs and pain. I'm better off just being a slug watching tv, and hoping that one of these days these stupidass motherfuckin g pieces of shit sends my tortured body into a stroke or coma from which i never recover. Better to be Beatrix, and being raped, while I am unconscious, than to be conscious as I am, and to endure this neverending nitemaring of psychic rape and aware bodily torture.
I woke up with the head a lil clearer, as if the psychotropic drugs I have been forcefed the last three days are gone. Unfortunately the goddamned mothefuckers so traumatized my brain and body so badly that I still am severely dysfunctional. Once again, I am suffering from severe vertigo--I'm not talking mild dizziness--I'm talking a feeling of imbalance and violent dizziness so severe that I have to walk holding onto something for balance, and fear passing out or collapsing in a heap whenever the vertigo hits--which it does every time I move, even if just a slight turn, my head. I am not seeing out of my right eye, and my entire head, but especially the right side is tender to the touch. My brain is not right--jphysically/spatially speaking--it feels like it is pressing against the top of my skull and down on my neck. Even though it is extremely heavy, I feel giddily lightheaded, especially when I walk, as if I am down with a high, high fever (which has only happenedd a couple of times in my life, but I recognize it). I am hoping that my brain is swollen, and that as the swelling recedes so will the vertigo and my tenuous ability to function in reality. Otherwise, what has happened is the severe head pain and trauma has once more caused my inner ear "rocks" to roll out of place, and there is no treatment for that but physical therapy. This happened once before when I had a severe migraine, but I had insurance then, and access to a good physical therapist who healed it. My body is so wracked and traumatized by migraines and head pain on such a regular, nearly daily basis, that I quit crying over it a long time ago. Like an animal, I just suffer mutely, in neverending pain at the hands of my torturers. Now the severe head trauma may have rolled my rocks again, but the mds I see are next to worthless, and I can't go to the ER because of fear of being forced again into the hell that is a psychiatric hospital. It is better to be in hell in my home, than in a hospital with a bunch of really ill people, and stupidass doctors who only have access to the factual info they memorized and no commonsense or depth of awareness of the human personality and reality whatsoever. So I am going to have to try to live with this new level of suffering. I have to try to drive today--just a little bit--to see if it is possible for me to drive all the way to Corrales tomorrow to see Dale. Just take it slow, Tita, take everything very slowly.
Addendum--after taking a shower for the first time in threee days and getting into a pair of shorts, it is clear that the goddamned fuckers have once again caused me to gain weight. my guess is about three or maybe four pounds. i have no access to a scale but i can tell by the way my clothes DON'T fit me, that once again the pieces of shit have put on fat on my body--fat that I will never get rid of, fat that makes it impossible for me to wear clothes that already are at the limit of rack and wear, fat that drives me to despair because i know no matter how i try i cant lose it. One thing is clear from this last interlude--there is absolutely no point in trying to maintain my body--every effort on my part is met by a redoubling of the drugs and pain. I'm better off just being a slug watching tv, and hoping that one of these days these stupidass motherfuckin g pieces of shit sends my tortured body into a stroke or coma from which i never recover. Better to be Beatrix, and being raped, while I am unconscious, than to be conscious as I am, and to endure this neverending nitemaring of psychic rape and aware bodily torture.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Another lost day
Another lost day--mostly spent in bed with good moments of being able to watch tv, but not for long peroiosd or with any interest. The most disturbing physical symtom to manifest itself has been a severe vertigo. I cannot even tilt my head without swooning to the point of feeling faint. No way i can drive like this. ill pass out turning head. i swoon every time i stand up or move my head in the slightes. this is in addition to ongoing jpain , severe nerve pain, which has me crying out right now. to make it worse, moving head makes me dizzy, gives me vertigo. wont e surprised if goddamned piesces of shit fuckers have messed up my inner ear again, migraine has been so severe like last time i had this vertigo, but i no longer have insurance to get it fixed. God knows the stupid mdds ofthis medical system wont know how to heal it, cant afford physocl therapist.
brain stem being strangled again
brain stem being strangled again--i know, in addition to not being able to bear any stimuli whatsoever, my eyes can't move. no lateral or up, down movement. its like i have a mixed gaze. learned this from online, how i dianosed myself with brain stem strangulation in first place. i figured it out but the sorry lameass nuerologist gurule had no idea. i am too sick to move, too sick to do anything. im so glas i cancelled pest svc, because i am too sick to pick up my house and too sick to escort the man around. too sick to do anything. head hurts so bad. severe severe headache. normally i would take fironal but because i dont hanve adcccess to prescription, thanks to the goddamned dumbass mds who believe the mib instead of looking at reality in the flesh thinks im a dope addict, so i have to suffer with headache. if it gets too bad i wll take it. dizzy, drugged, so fucked up, but still defiant in my proclamation that i am a free human beign and just because u fucking pigs cant get inside of my head to read it or program it, is all the more reason why i want nothing ot do with u , n ur warped vision of reality. its going to be a bad day. nothing i can do but suffre in slienc.
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