never ending hell

never ending hell--cant believe the level of drugging pain i am in. force myself to try to go for bike ride. so fucked up icant go more than a couple of miles. then come back slammed by psychotropic download that spasms my back so bad i cant hold head up strait. upper should er locked in permanent spasm. long for flexiril, major painkillers, anything to stop goddamned pain. menwhile lower back is permanently out because of lower back spasms. all so godamned fmotherfuckers can get their stupidsass aliens to hack into my brain. too much pain to care........

Neverending shit

Neverending shit--literally. A week ago, I was given drugs that had me shitting 5 times a day--I had to go to toilet within a half hour of eating everything, but I didn't complain because mentally I felt well. I knew too, that it may have been related to my "autistic gut" (which the medical community won't admit exists, but which families of autistics, and autistics themselves know exist. I was preparing to go glutein/casein free when TPTB abruptly changed course, and gave me some drug that has left me constipated to the point of pain. I have abeen hree before too. I had to pay fifty dollars for a colon cleanse i was so cloogeged up. Now the pain is back as well as muscle spasms, migraines and inability to concentrate. In addiition to the very real physical pain, I dont feel mentally well at all. I canat live with this kid of clogged up, painful gut. I am going to take a ubiquitol to see if that causes release (it causes bowel movememt)if that doesnt work i am going to have to go spend a buch of money on stuff to help relive pressure on colon--aloe vera juice, teas, etc. rightnow just got to suffer thru the pain.

Are the Fascists back on top?

Are the Fascists back on top? Question I ask myself after two days of hell. Gone is my recent joy at living life, and back again is the feeling of dragging thru life, suffering and end enduring pain. My head is so heavy I cant lift it. My back hurts from muscle sp0asms. But mostly it is the brain tumor feeling in my head that makes it impossible to drag thru life. I dont feel well at all. I feel like shit. try to shake but I feel to o bad.

fucking sick again

fucking sick again. nonfucntional all day. severe migraine. cant watch tv. cant drive motion sickness makes it impossible to drive. dont know what is causing this resurgence of shit. too sick to think about it right now. desperately needc to clean house take care of details too damned sick to do anythin

In agonizing back pain after a day of sheer hell

In agonizing back pain after a day of sheer hell yesterday. Mind woke up a lil clearer, but offset by severe muscle spasms caused by the extreme musle lock from the previous two days. hurts to breathe, to sit to stand. no one could be more miserable than me in my constant pain and drug brainwiped state. I went for a test yesterday , dont know how i took it. i was so fucke up i couldnt drive. i had to take long way hoe, took fucked up to make left had turn. now i am just in pain, severe pain. i guess i am being bounced from political mind torturers to religious tortures all trying to get mee to confess and conform to their warped vision of reality. me i just insist on my God given freedom, but ittt doesnt matter. I aaaaam in hell. haave to try fomove. can nnon lnongger sit here. too fucke up

Torture started again

Torture started again--fucked up day caused by massive headches and psychtoropic drug download. dont recognize face or eyes. watched v on tv. i wish there was some resistance cell i could belong to. wish i could be. feel like human being again instead of miserable fucked up, pain filled blob with swollen face. have to take test tomorrow. too sick to study for it today. i hope i can pass it tomorrown. have taken tests before with this fuckin poison in system . definitely affects peromance. who am i kidding. how the fuck can i hold a job when i am so fucked up on all this shit. but my reslove is strong. fuck you assholes fuck yeryone of you goddamne d alien tratitors. id rather die than join.

Very tired

Very tired after three nites of fighting back the brain/dream hackers. How successfully--I don't know. I do know that I don't trust any dreams which occur on the nites when I feel that my brain is being hacked--and yes I know. The worst part of it tho, is waking up feeling so tired and drained--totally unlike the aftermath of a natural dream state when one wakes up feeling peaceful, refreshed and/or energized. On top of everthing else, I have had bad news on the employment/financial front. When one is tired, it is so difficult to handle bad news. After a nite of tossing and turning, my back is contorted and twisted. I tell myself to try to get up and do little things. small acts, to try to move forward in my day, but the turht is that I am so tired, that I just want to lay down and sleep. I can't tho'. I have to take a test tomorrow. I have to take some small steps.