Wednesday, April 7, 2010
No longer know what is wrong with me--just know that something is definitely wrong
No longer know what is wrong with me--just know that something is definitely wrong--my best guess is that I am on some psychotropic drug in addition to some kind of B12 supplementation. All I know is that i am so drugged out that not only do I have no physical energy, I have no mental energy. I spent the last two hours trying to read my normal internet posts, but completely unable to absorb or respond to them. I just want to sleep in front of a tv. I realized last night that i could not read a book i had started to read earlier. on top of all that, i find myself suffering from severe migraines. got one now. maybe that is why i cant read or think. dont know. just a waste of time to sit here in front of computer. so sick of this shit. so sick of it.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
April 6—When does this drugging end? My God, how much do I have to suffer at the hands of these pricks? Every time I start to feel halfway human, they drug me again and again and again and again. Never focking ending. And all the while I got someone smirking in my face thinking they are doing something great for Jesus or a cause. After years of abuse and vitamin B12 starvation, my body is WRECKED WRECKED, so you understand. My muscles and nerves are dead and desperately need to come to life. I spent years forcing myself to move and try to work out, even though they didn’t have the fuel, B12, that they needed, but over time, the body has died. So I spent a lot of money signing up for yoga classes, but after three classes, it is becoming clear that I just wasted good money. I am so drugged during the classes that I literally feel like my body is an unresponsive corpse. Total separation between the mind and body. That is not yoga at all. Not only does someone activate the virus download in my brain before and during yoga class, but they also add on the psychotropic flavor of the day, so that I am so wasted mentally AND physically that I literally can’t do yoga, but can only go through half-hearted motions, and irregular, drugged responses while my “handler” of the moment, pushing whatever emp buttons they are given, are constantly smiling at me, “Do you feel ‘Jesus’ yet?” “Are you going to be a ‘good’ Christian (or comrade, in the case of the psychic mind probers) now, someone we can latch on and suck the vital energy out of, while we let you live a life we won’t take responsibility for ourselves?” “Are you ready to be celibate yet?” I only have the same answer that I always have. I am worthless to anyone, including God and myself, unless I am free and healthy, and being drugged on these goddamned psychotropics are nothing but enslaving and unhealthy. All I can do is hold on to a kernel of inner freedom and pray God liberate me from this hell of drugs and needy projections by “happy slaves.”
Yesterday morning, I was able to feel. I remember listening and “feeling” (which most days, I am incapable of feeling anything, numbed by either B12 starvation or the goddamned drugs) music, “Jesu, Joy of Our Desiring”, and I remembered that somewhere I had dulcimer tab for that music, and I said “I must get home and play it.” But by the time I got home, I was in a truly psychotic state and all I wanted to do was get as drunk as I could and sleep as fast as I could so that I could escape the drug-induced psychosis that my “handler” put me in during yoga class (and this yoga instructor was “in” on it, unlike my instructors of the previous two classes). I know, and/or learn which yoga instructors have integrity and which ones are just needy people pleasers and projectors. Its just that in my desire to heal, I try to work out every day and it’s a learning process. I learned yesterday, the hard way. By the time the class ended, I was so out of reality, I could barely walk. I stumbled down the steps, and recognized my own severe autism, distracted by the pattern of tiling on the floor. Having had the experience before, I looked away from it—otherwise I would be sucked into staring endlessly and counting tiles and patterns. I was so messed up that I couldn’t drive when I got to car. I sat and waited then drove home by surface streets, because I was too drugged to notice or respond to stimuli. Needless to say, no music playing for me last night. Nor will there be any music playing today, for I still am drugged on something that has all my emotions shut down. I am going to try to take care of chores, but I am not fully in reality, and once again I feel life is so hard, such a struggle, but if I see another stupidass christian grinning at me, I am going to go up and ask them, “Are you saved?” Of course I already know the answer. “Saved” people relate to others freely—not putting their psychic projections in their minds or their emotional neediness projections in a latched on drain. Going to be a bad day. Nothing I can do about it.
Oh yeh, one last little note—on Sunday, I had lost 8 pounds in one day! That was not a mistake in reading. For the previous three days I had been over 15 pounds. On Sunday I was 207 pounds. But Monday I was back up to 213 pounds. So what is going on? SOS. Tita figures out what is going on, and my slavers automatically decide to use it for their own purposes. My guess is that I need intrisic factor and when I get it, all this excess fluid on my body disappears, but then the goddamned psychotropics (not the alien virus itself, but the mood altering pharmaceuticals) causes the bloat again. Well im moodaltered alright. I am full of rage and negative energy and sick to the death of being abused. I AM SICK OF BEING ABUSED, YOU GODDAMNED PIGS!!!!
Yesterday morning, I was able to feel. I remember listening and “feeling” (which most days, I am incapable of feeling anything, numbed by either B12 starvation or the goddamned drugs) music, “Jesu, Joy of Our Desiring”, and I remembered that somewhere I had dulcimer tab for that music, and I said “I must get home and play it.” But by the time I got home, I was in a truly psychotic state and all I wanted to do was get as drunk as I could and sleep as fast as I could so that I could escape the drug-induced psychosis that my “handler” put me in during yoga class (and this yoga instructor was “in” on it, unlike my instructors of the previous two classes). I know, and/or learn which yoga instructors have integrity and which ones are just needy people pleasers and projectors. Its just that in my desire to heal, I try to work out every day and it’s a learning process. I learned yesterday, the hard way. By the time the class ended, I was so out of reality, I could barely walk. I stumbled down the steps, and recognized my own severe autism, distracted by the pattern of tiling on the floor. Having had the experience before, I looked away from it—otherwise I would be sucked into staring endlessly and counting tiles and patterns. I was so messed up that I couldn’t drive when I got to car. I sat and waited then drove home by surface streets, because I was too drugged to notice or respond to stimuli. Needless to say, no music playing for me last night. Nor will there be any music playing today, for I still am drugged on something that has all my emotions shut down. I am going to try to take care of chores, but I am not fully in reality, and once again I feel life is so hard, such a struggle, but if I see another stupidass christian grinning at me, I am going to go up and ask them, “Are you saved?” Of course I already know the answer. “Saved” people relate to others freely—not putting their psychic projections in their minds or their emotional neediness projections in a latched on drain. Going to be a bad day. Nothing I can do about it.
Oh yeh, one last little note—on Sunday, I had lost 8 pounds in one day! That was not a mistake in reading. For the previous three days I had been over 15 pounds. On Sunday I was 207 pounds. But Monday I was back up to 213 pounds. So what is going on? SOS. Tita figures out what is going on, and my slavers automatically decide to use it for their own purposes. My guess is that I need intrisic factor and when I get it, all this excess fluid on my body disappears, but then the goddamned psychotropics (not the alien virus itself, but the mood altering pharmaceuticals) causes the bloat again. Well im moodaltered alright. I am full of rage and negative energy and sick to the death of being abused. I AM SICK OF BEING ABUSED, YOU GODDAMNED PIGS!!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
April 4, 2010
I can’t believe it. The goddamned Christians won’t get off my focking tit. It’s not enough that the sons of bitches nearly killed me with their drugs, that they have destroyed my health and my body and destroyed over 7 years of my life with their goddamned drugs. They still are at it!! Even as I write I'’ focked up on some kind of drugs. So focking frustrating. I am trying so hard to heal my body, but I was too focked up to do any yoga poses today (did I totally waste my money by joining a gym again—it’s stupid to pay 85 dollars a month when you go to a class and end up laying down for over half the class because your body has no energy whatsoever). Then I came home and was too goddamned tired to do any house cleaning that needs to be done, so I turned on tv to an interesting program about biblical apocryphal writing. I was too drugged to follow the damned program and taped parts of it because I knew my mind wasn’t working (anytime a television program is “too smart” or “complex” for me to follow, I know the brain is drugged. So I awoke from a dream about going to a store to buy something sweet to try to get some energy into my body. I was too drugged up to drive anywhere so I walked to the Flying Star aobut three blocks from me. I didn’t have the energy to walk the three blocks! I had to drag myself there and back, fighting every step of the way for the energy to lift another foot. After a piece of pie and coffee (rare for me to have either, but Im trying so hard to pump up energy), I still have no energy and the eyes just don’t want to stay open. Just wannto close and the body to lay down.
\So now im all depressed, thinking im going to go through another round of psychotropic drugs while these stupidass Christians (and yes, I think I saw another smarmy, smiley type again today) throw every psychotropic pill and poison at me, now that I figured out what is wrong with me. I can’t believe the level of stupidity and self-delusion. I have spent YEARS suffering at their hands and by the grace of God I finally figure out what is going on, and they can’t wait to pile on again!! There is nothing wrong with me, you fockers, except what satanic aliens and their satanic allies (including you, through your own delusion and stupidity) have done to me. There is no way on Earth that I am ever going to willingly enter a patriarchal Christian community again—and that includes any community that does not enter into relationship with me freely. I don’t really think that much of Christians at all, really. The people of faith, the people who have given me love, support, and provided meaning and insight to me over the last seven years are overwhelmingly NOT self-identified Christians. These people, and their (if unknowing) spiritual peers are the ones who I believe will survive the coming apocalypse—at least in a healthy way, not as the delusional, stupid progenitors of the degraded, pathetic “Grays.” It is for these people that I pray and hope to influence and support—if only by writing. More than anything else I long to write, but as always the goddamned Christians make it impossible for me to do anything but drag myself from one chore to another.
I can’t believe it. The goddamned Christians won’t get off my focking tit. It’s not enough that the sons of bitches nearly killed me with their drugs, that they have destroyed my health and my body and destroyed over 7 years of my life with their goddamned drugs. They still are at it!! Even as I write I'’ focked up on some kind of drugs. So focking frustrating. I am trying so hard to heal my body, but I was too focked up to do any yoga poses today (did I totally waste my money by joining a gym again—it’s stupid to pay 85 dollars a month when you go to a class and end up laying down for over half the class because your body has no energy whatsoever). Then I came home and was too goddamned tired to do any house cleaning that needs to be done, so I turned on tv to an interesting program about biblical apocryphal writing. I was too drugged to follow the damned program and taped parts of it because I knew my mind wasn’t working (anytime a television program is “too smart” or “complex” for me to follow, I know the brain is drugged. So I awoke from a dream about going to a store to buy something sweet to try to get some energy into my body. I was too drugged up to drive anywhere so I walked to the Flying Star aobut three blocks from me. I didn’t have the energy to walk the three blocks! I had to drag myself there and back, fighting every step of the way for the energy to lift another foot. After a piece of pie and coffee (rare for me to have either, but Im trying so hard to pump up energy), I still have no energy and the eyes just don’t want to stay open. Just wannto close and the body to lay down.
\So now im all depressed, thinking im going to go through another round of psychotropic drugs while these stupidass Christians (and yes, I think I saw another smarmy, smiley type again today) throw every psychotropic pill and poison at me, now that I figured out what is wrong with me. I can’t believe the level of stupidity and self-delusion. I have spent YEARS suffering at their hands and by the grace of God I finally figure out what is going on, and they can’t wait to pile on again!! There is nothing wrong with me, you fockers, except what satanic aliens and their satanic allies (including you, through your own delusion and stupidity) have done to me. There is no way on Earth that I am ever going to willingly enter a patriarchal Christian community again—and that includes any community that does not enter into relationship with me freely. I don’t really think that much of Christians at all, really. The people of faith, the people who have given me love, support, and provided meaning and insight to me over the last seven years are overwhelmingly NOT self-identified Christians. These people, and their (if unknowing) spiritual peers are the ones who I believe will survive the coming apocalypse—at least in a healthy way, not as the delusional, stupid progenitors of the degraded, pathetic “Grays.” It is for these people that I pray and hope to influence and support—if only by writing. More than anything else I long to write, but as always the goddamned Christians make it impossible for me to do anything but drag myself from one chore to another.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
March 30, 2010
I knew TPTB wouldn’t let me enjoy my feeling human again for long. I know now what the situation is—my mind is hacked nearly every night while these satanic aliens and their satanic allies try to sway me to meet their expectations. What do the satanic aliens and their human allies want—a “false prophet” to bring about the power of the New World Order they long for, and “endorsement” as the B5 “Mollari” sought out from the “technomages”. But like the technomages, I know the darkness is coming, and I just long for a place where my knowledge and spirit can be free, uncoerced and unexploited. But, thanks to the SLI, who would not offer me a shred of support or kinship, but sold me out to the powers of evil, in hopes that they could have their needy expectations met, I am in the middle of a web of evil from which I cannot extricate myself, but only endure.
And life is just one endurance of evil after another. I expect to be abducted tonight (I guess hacking into my dreams is not getting the results TPTB crave). I know, because I understand now that I suffer from the godawful, unable-to-function sickness whenever they hope to erase from my mind the horrific violation of body, psyche, and spirit that occurs whenever I am abducted against my will. The B12 vitamin released a period, and I suspect that once again, they will go fishing for viable ova that they can steal and exploit, with no understanding at all of what motherhood is about—and it isn’t about having your ova removed and fertilized into a living being, without permission.
Nor is it about being a passive teat while immature psychological babes fight and claw for nourishment. That is what I dreamed last night—that my breasts were scratched and bloody from my persecutors all demanding and fighting for the teat. It doesn’t matter if it’s the sli, jesuits, opus dei and the catholic church looking for a cardboard saint, political powers looking for an endorsing false prophet, or aliens who have sold their birthright for a “mess of pottage” looking for eggs to perpetuate a dying race. It is the same immature psychology and spirituality which refuses to accept and relate to another in freedom, because they are too spiritually terrified and/or limited to know and own their own freedom and thus, the consequences and responsibility for their own freedom. The whole heresy of patriarchal religion is reducing the status of woman to a spiritual teat of pap. This is the real reason why (spiritually immature) patriarchal men (and women) are terrified of women in authority—they want a teat to administer pap, not the healing and sacraments of ordained authority, or the difficult decisions and determinations of political power. I know this from my own personal experience, having spent years in the Catholic church and from a cross-cultural study of (heavily patriarchal) religions. When I am healthier, (if I am ever healthy), I will write convincingly on this. But for tonight, there is nothing to do but take meds for spasming muscles and prepare for abduction. Let me just say, that we all begin life, needing pap, and it is important for women as mothers to provide that. But when institutions foster a lifelong psychological and spiritual immaturity by keeping women in the role of the “Big Teat” that is severely dysfunctional. Unfortunately that is where this world is at, and that is why I am here, chained to the needs and projections of a multitude of clawing babies who will not grow up and accept responsibility for their own and others’ socio-political and personal freedom, and/or their own pursuit of spiritual salvation.
March 31st
Fouunmd somehting to make me feel better-b12. But goddamned fockers are now shooting me with psychotropics, know because iam full of rage and mood swings. Too sick to open eyes. Cant even watch tv. Cant handlw any images. Focking not in reality burned pans. Nearly left odor wide open. Just not in reality. To make things worse, I got some powertripping psychic/remote viewer getting his rocks off trying to get in my head. In past ive inveighed against white psychics, talking about how for so many of them it is nothing but a power trip—well guess what—black pweretripping psychics are equally repulsive. Does anytbody know how the have the gift of telepathy without being abusive about it? Sure—Indians are the best, Hispanics next, some white people—I think of the psychic cynthia hess that I have seen a couple of times. She is a powerful psychic—but she, like me, understands it is a natureal gift to be respectfully used and shared, not some power tripping tool that gives you power over another human being. Well, motherfockers definitly got power over me. I literally am unable to do anything today. I don’t know if im going to be able to go to dr tomorrow. I can feel my brain stem shutting down.
…day from hell over, mostly spent sleeping. Try to watch tv but images are weird and peoples faces seem evil n leering. I wonder if I am osn lithium again as I find myself with catatonic muscles and stiff head, neck that wont turn. Migraine headache too, cant bear pain. Will take something before trying to sleep. Supposed to go to dr in am. My stomach really huirts. The b12 is messing big time with stomach. I think it is causing too much hcl and worry bout ulcer. Need to go to dr. but I fear that its going to be same old chit I always experience. I don’t know how im going to drive there but gotta do something about tummy. Oh God, I am in such focking pain and misery. On top of that my tummy hurts (eating sometimes helps, but today it doesn’t. I think its getting worse)
April 2nd—Good Friday, but for me, this is no special day of observance—since 1997, my life has been one, long unending crucifixion and today is no different. I would have hoped that my success at figuring out 99% of my medical problems would engender a happier state… Aaaahhh, but I forget, the whole reason that I have suffered under years of medical and government abuse is because my “controllers”, my “handlers”, my “torturers” have no interest in my health at all, but only in psychological/spiritual control and/or extraterrestial experimentation. My guess is, that they will attempt to control my B12 levels through their own system of covert titration and delivery of the vitamin (hell, just throw it in the mix with the other drugs), while the doctor calls me back to tell me that my B12 levels are fine. The one scenario that the torturers cannot allow to develop is one in which I find even a minimum of support or help in any human relationship, whether professional, casual, personal or intimate, except for those that they can control with absolute and complete confidence and jurisdiction. It is imperative for mind control purposes, whether secular or religious, (sadly. Many sick, warped Catholics such as the Jesuits or Opus Dei are more interested in social and mind control than in spiritual relationship through free will) that I be completely isolated, left to feel alone, helpless, and worthless (Catholics would use the term, “sinful). To that end, they pull all these stupidass tricks, tell stupidass lies, and contrive stupidass situations, all of which I can see through, but cannot prevent.
Anyway, despite the B12 breakthrough, I don’t feel any better. I think I am still being given psychotropic drugs over and beyond the heavy metal chit that is transforming my DNA. I just feel so alienated from any emotion whatsoever. The dr. was very nice in a professional sort of way, listening and attentive, but I was too drugged up to respond in kind. That is what drugs like lithium and depakote (if I had to guess, that is what I would choose) do—just alienate me from all emotions, so that I find it too difficult to relate to other people. I have a surefire method for determining whether I am on psychotropic drugs. I watch a dvd of a show that I know intimately and well, which really grabs my attention—most recently, watching reruns of B5. If I just don’t give a fock, and absolutely cannot feel a shred of emotion or empathy for the characters and situations, I am drugged on psychotropics. Right now, I am drugged on psychotropics and it bothers me. I want to be healthy enough to respond and relate to people (the ones that I choose to, not the ones who would control me either through direct coercion or subliminal manipulation of projection). I want to feel emotions, and I am just emotionally flat, dead, and lifeless. And on top of that, when the downloads begin, I come down with a massive migraine. The only reason I have been able to write this is because I took a firional, but I only have about five left. But I thought it was important to write because I am remembering things about Dulce. I was reading about it in the library—I have read about it before, and I believe it is true. What struck me on this reading was the line that some alien species “tamper” with human female hormones so that they can copulate with them. I am giving strong attention to the hypothesis that such indeed is what happened to me, and those hormonal alterations are what has messed up my body so bad, what with the weight gain and digestive problems. As a matter of fact I am wondering if I were abducted last night for tests to be run on, in which case it could happen again tonite, for I am messed up. What if the “evil spirit” that people have mentioned that I have is actually a evil implant—right behind the middle of my forehead. One thing I know for sure, there was a helicoptor hovering over my house when I got home tonight. Some remote viewer/psychic was wanting to know what I gleaned from that article on Dulce. Nothing new, really—I knew this stuff from along time ago. See assholes—if you wanted to know, all you had to was ask…you don’t need to drug me or mind probe me or let my body deteriorate with sick medical problems. All you have to do is treat me like a human being. Sigh, clearly that is too much to ask. But I am a human being and that I will insist upon, even if I never am treated like a human being again.
April 3, 2010—Trying to talk myself into doing yoga. I signed up for the gym yesterday to try to get my body in some kind of reasonable shape. Very depressing yesterday to finally get an accurate weight reading—over 214 pounds. Yep, a personal best!
Disgusting, but I have been so sick I havent been able to move. Even now, though I am being given B12, TPTB have stepped up the goddamned DNA destroying drugs (don’t kid yourself assholes, you are not transforming or building a new DNA for me—against my will, you are DESTROYING my DNA—and I fight and despise you with every ounce of my will and breath—get one of your goddamned psychics to read that). Thanks to their stepped up efforts, every muscle in my body is weak and sometimes downright spasming. Even typing this is causing my weak forearms to die. So how can I do yoga? People have no idea how physically demanding yoga really is. If I can hardly bear to type, how can I hold a pushup position for over a minute? Try to shake—maybe that will help…
I knew TPTB wouldn’t let me enjoy my feeling human again for long. I know now what the situation is—my mind is hacked nearly every night while these satanic aliens and their satanic allies try to sway me to meet their expectations. What do the satanic aliens and their human allies want—a “false prophet” to bring about the power of the New World Order they long for, and “endorsement” as the B5 “Mollari” sought out from the “technomages”. But like the technomages, I know the darkness is coming, and I just long for a place where my knowledge and spirit can be free, uncoerced and unexploited. But, thanks to the SLI, who would not offer me a shred of support or kinship, but sold me out to the powers of evil, in hopes that they could have their needy expectations met, I am in the middle of a web of evil from which I cannot extricate myself, but only endure.
And life is just one endurance of evil after another. I expect to be abducted tonight (I guess hacking into my dreams is not getting the results TPTB crave). I know, because I understand now that I suffer from the godawful, unable-to-function sickness whenever they hope to erase from my mind the horrific violation of body, psyche, and spirit that occurs whenever I am abducted against my will. The B12 vitamin released a period, and I suspect that once again, they will go fishing for viable ova that they can steal and exploit, with no understanding at all of what motherhood is about—and it isn’t about having your ova removed and fertilized into a living being, without permission.
Nor is it about being a passive teat while immature psychological babes fight and claw for nourishment. That is what I dreamed last night—that my breasts were scratched and bloody from my persecutors all demanding and fighting for the teat. It doesn’t matter if it’s the sli, jesuits, opus dei and the catholic church looking for a cardboard saint, political powers looking for an endorsing false prophet, or aliens who have sold their birthright for a “mess of pottage” looking for eggs to perpetuate a dying race. It is the same immature psychology and spirituality which refuses to accept and relate to another in freedom, because they are too spiritually terrified and/or limited to know and own their own freedom and thus, the consequences and responsibility for their own freedom. The whole heresy of patriarchal religion is reducing the status of woman to a spiritual teat of pap. This is the real reason why (spiritually immature) patriarchal men (and women) are terrified of women in authority—they want a teat to administer pap, not the healing and sacraments of ordained authority, or the difficult decisions and determinations of political power. I know this from my own personal experience, having spent years in the Catholic church and from a cross-cultural study of (heavily patriarchal) religions. When I am healthier, (if I am ever healthy), I will write convincingly on this. But for tonight, there is nothing to do but take meds for spasming muscles and prepare for abduction. Let me just say, that we all begin life, needing pap, and it is important for women as mothers to provide that. But when institutions foster a lifelong psychological and spiritual immaturity by keeping women in the role of the “Big Teat” that is severely dysfunctional. Unfortunately that is where this world is at, and that is why I am here, chained to the needs and projections of a multitude of clawing babies who will not grow up and accept responsibility for their own and others’ socio-political and personal freedom, and/or their own pursuit of spiritual salvation.
March 31st
Fouunmd somehting to make me feel better-b12. But goddamned fockers are now shooting me with psychotropics, know because iam full of rage and mood swings. Too sick to open eyes. Cant even watch tv. Cant handlw any images. Focking not in reality burned pans. Nearly left odor wide open. Just not in reality. To make things worse, I got some powertripping psychic/remote viewer getting his rocks off trying to get in my head. In past ive inveighed against white psychics, talking about how for so many of them it is nothing but a power trip—well guess what—black pweretripping psychics are equally repulsive. Does anytbody know how the have the gift of telepathy without being abusive about it? Sure—Indians are the best, Hispanics next, some white people—I think of the psychic cynthia hess that I have seen a couple of times. She is a powerful psychic—but she, like me, understands it is a natureal gift to be respectfully used and shared, not some power tripping tool that gives you power over another human being. Well, motherfockers definitly got power over me. I literally am unable to do anything today. I don’t know if im going to be able to go to dr tomorrow. I can feel my brain stem shutting down.
…day from hell over, mostly spent sleeping. Try to watch tv but images are weird and peoples faces seem evil n leering. I wonder if I am osn lithium again as I find myself with catatonic muscles and stiff head, neck that wont turn. Migraine headache too, cant bear pain. Will take something before trying to sleep. Supposed to go to dr in am. My stomach really huirts. The b12 is messing big time with stomach. I think it is causing too much hcl and worry bout ulcer. Need to go to dr. but I fear that its going to be same old chit I always experience. I don’t know how im going to drive there but gotta do something about tummy. Oh God, I am in such focking pain and misery. On top of that my tummy hurts (eating sometimes helps, but today it doesn’t. I think its getting worse)
April 2nd—Good Friday, but for me, this is no special day of observance—since 1997, my life has been one, long unending crucifixion and today is no different. I would have hoped that my success at figuring out 99% of my medical problems would engender a happier state… Aaaahhh, but I forget, the whole reason that I have suffered under years of medical and government abuse is because my “controllers”, my “handlers”, my “torturers” have no interest in my health at all, but only in psychological/spiritual control and/or extraterrestial experimentation. My guess is, that they will attempt to control my B12 levels through their own system of covert titration and delivery of the vitamin (hell, just throw it in the mix with the other drugs), while the doctor calls me back to tell me that my B12 levels are fine. The one scenario that the torturers cannot allow to develop is one in which I find even a minimum of support or help in any human relationship, whether professional, casual, personal or intimate, except for those that they can control with absolute and complete confidence and jurisdiction. It is imperative for mind control purposes, whether secular or religious, (sadly. Many sick, warped Catholics such as the Jesuits or Opus Dei are more interested in social and mind control than in spiritual relationship through free will) that I be completely isolated, left to feel alone, helpless, and worthless (Catholics would use the term, “sinful). To that end, they pull all these stupidass tricks, tell stupidass lies, and contrive stupidass situations, all of which I can see through, but cannot prevent.
Anyway, despite the B12 breakthrough, I don’t feel any better. I think I am still being given psychotropic drugs over and beyond the heavy metal chit that is transforming my DNA. I just feel so alienated from any emotion whatsoever. The dr. was very nice in a professional sort of way, listening and attentive, but I was too drugged up to respond in kind. That is what drugs like lithium and depakote (if I had to guess, that is what I would choose) do—just alienate me from all emotions, so that I find it too difficult to relate to other people. I have a surefire method for determining whether I am on psychotropic drugs. I watch a dvd of a show that I know intimately and well, which really grabs my attention—most recently, watching reruns of B5. If I just don’t give a fock, and absolutely cannot feel a shred of emotion or empathy for the characters and situations, I am drugged on psychotropics. Right now, I am drugged on psychotropics and it bothers me. I want to be healthy enough to respond and relate to people (the ones that I choose to, not the ones who would control me either through direct coercion or subliminal manipulation of projection). I want to feel emotions, and I am just emotionally flat, dead, and lifeless. And on top of that, when the downloads begin, I come down with a massive migraine. The only reason I have been able to write this is because I took a firional, but I only have about five left. But I thought it was important to write because I am remembering things about Dulce. I was reading about it in the library—I have read about it before, and I believe it is true. What struck me on this reading was the line that some alien species “tamper” with human female hormones so that they can copulate with them. I am giving strong attention to the hypothesis that such indeed is what happened to me, and those hormonal alterations are what has messed up my body so bad, what with the weight gain and digestive problems. As a matter of fact I am wondering if I were abducted last night for tests to be run on, in which case it could happen again tonite, for I am messed up. What if the “evil spirit” that people have mentioned that I have is actually a evil implant—right behind the middle of my forehead. One thing I know for sure, there was a helicoptor hovering over my house when I got home tonight. Some remote viewer/psychic was wanting to know what I gleaned from that article on Dulce. Nothing new, really—I knew this stuff from along time ago. See assholes—if you wanted to know, all you had to was ask…you don’t need to drug me or mind probe me or let my body deteriorate with sick medical problems. All you have to do is treat me like a human being. Sigh, clearly that is too much to ask. But I am a human being and that I will insist upon, even if I never am treated like a human being again.
April 3, 2010—Trying to talk myself into doing yoga. I signed up for the gym yesterday to try to get my body in some kind of reasonable shape. Very depressing yesterday to finally get an accurate weight reading—over 214 pounds. Yep, a personal best!
Disgusting, but I have been so sick I havent been able to move. Even now, though I am being given B12, TPTB have stepped up the goddamned DNA destroying drugs (don’t kid yourself assholes, you are not transforming or building a new DNA for me—against my will, you are DESTROYING my DNA—and I fight and despise you with every ounce of my will and breath—get one of your goddamned psychics to read that). Thanks to their stepped up efforts, every muscle in my body is weak and sometimes downright spasming. Even typing this is causing my weak forearms to die. So how can I do yoga? People have no idea how physically demanding yoga really is. If I can hardly bear to type, how can I hold a pushup position for over a minute? Try to shake—maybe that will help…
Saturday, March 27, 2010
several posts
March 26, 2010
Drugged up to the point that I can barely function mentally. So full of rage just want to throw things. No focking energy. Getting up and moving so focking hard. Keep looking at messy house overflowing laundry. Cant get outy of my focking head. No physical energy whatsoever. Sitting on toilet I shut my eyes too much effor t to process stimuli. . Eyes shut now….. Just want to be a human being again. These goddamned assholes want me to communicate with interdimensional reality (yeh, I know what you did last night—you might as well stop paying my youthful neighbor to leave everytime you pull your electromagnetic XXXX, but then again, maybe not, because no human being should have to suffer what I have to suffer for over 90% of my life). Well guess what—I will communicate interdimensionally when I CHOOSE to. Tell homey from last nite I don’t play music unless I want to. I AM A FREE PERSON, and I insist on being treated as a free woman, not being drugged, chipped, implanted, and manipulated like a goddamned lab animal. If you want to (yes, you, WLR), snoop into my computer and use top-secret technology to intercept and decode the 0’s and 1’s so that you can pass it on to the highest levels of the Cabinet as actionable intelligence, you go right ahead. You want me to pretend that I don’t know what your (and the other races expectations) of me, alright play your stupidass little games that keep me in physical pain, in poverty, lonely, isolated (oh, but isn’t that the way of great religious saints—HELL NO!), but I won’t cooperate. I need help, real help, real support, real emotional connection. I am not some focking plaster of paris saint that the heretical institutional church sets up to venerate as their “saints”. I am a real person, goddamn it, with real needs, and right now I need to be clear of these goddamned drugs which steal all of my energy and spasm my muscles so bad that I can’t walk upright. In the meantime, you want to play the stupid “We know better than you” bullcrap, I invite you to confer with the morons of the Spiritual Life Institute, and ask them how well that kind of patriarchal control play works on a truly free person. So yeh, I’m not free because the goddamned drugs hem me in on every side and focking suck all the life, vitality and energy out of me, but I am free enough to withhold my cooperation, and consider it withheld until I get my body and my free will back.
No change right now—just greater realization of what is goin on. Severe headache. I realize how victimized I am by these occultic evil masons. I see that someone is trying to get ratzinger. I saw one of his minions, fr. Murphy on tv—another satanist. I realize now that malachi martin was so close to understanding what was going on. Ratz had all pedophile cases refered to him as inquisitor—why? So he could protect the satanists, like he did murphy, while the pathetic pedophile freelancers—of which there are quite a few—hung high. Well, I am glad that the evil somewhere is receiving justice but not the people who push the brain downloads in my brain. I realize how my poor body is giving out—more and more I feel like I have diabetes and I don’t know if I am ever going to get my pelvic girdle normal. So sick that I cant exercise . but the worst of all right now is the goddamned headache. All so I can channel for these sick sons of bitches. Gonna be a bad nite—all I can do is ask for God to protect me. Nothing I can do about my body. How much suffering can I endure? Am I fated to live out the rest of my life imprisoned in pain and suffering by these goddamned satanic implants?
Fighting so hard to get up and do little tasks--so enervated by drugs. I guess that beats going out of my mind with pain which is the other alternative--which crescendos when the implant downloads peak.
I am very worried about certain long term changes--my musculo-skeletal system is so spasmed that I can't keep my legs straight or reach out with my arms. Also, for the second day in a row I noticed that I could not understand a Spanish speaker. I don't consider myself fluent in Spanish, but I can understand and communicate pretty decently, but the last two times someone has spoken to me in Spanish, I couldn't understand AT ALL. It's as though I can't enter the state of mind that I need to enter in order for the brain to be receptive to a foreign language. I hope this is not a long term thing, but I suspect these implants (and drugs) are attempting to increase my right brain ability (imagination), at the expense of the left brain (logic and language). But by my (autistic), nature, I already am overwhelmingly right brain. What I have had to do is really work at left brain utility, but now these implants are totally undermining my ability to function in reality. Nothing I can do.
Drugged up to the point that I can barely function mentally. So full of rage just want to throw things. No focking energy. Getting up and moving so focking hard. Keep looking at messy house overflowing laundry. Cant get outy of my focking head. No physical energy whatsoever. Sitting on toilet I shut my eyes too much effor t to process stimuli. . Eyes shut now….. Just want to be a human being again. These goddamned assholes want me to communicate with interdimensional reality (yeh, I know what you did last night—you might as well stop paying my youthful neighbor to leave everytime you pull your electromagnetic XXXX, but then again, maybe not, because no human being should have to suffer what I have to suffer for over 90% of my life). Well guess what—I will communicate interdimensionally when I CHOOSE to. Tell homey from last nite I don’t play music unless I want to. I AM A FREE PERSON, and I insist on being treated as a free woman, not being drugged, chipped, implanted, and manipulated like a goddamned lab animal. If you want to (yes, you, WLR), snoop into my computer and use top-secret technology to intercept and decode the 0’s and 1’s so that you can pass it on to the highest levels of the Cabinet as actionable intelligence, you go right ahead. You want me to pretend that I don’t know what your (and the other races expectations) of me, alright play your stupidass little games that keep me in physical pain, in poverty, lonely, isolated (oh, but isn’t that the way of great religious saints—HELL NO!), but I won’t cooperate. I need help, real help, real support, real emotional connection. I am not some focking plaster of paris saint that the heretical institutional church sets up to venerate as their “saints”. I am a real person, goddamn it, with real needs, and right now I need to be clear of these goddamned drugs which steal all of my energy and spasm my muscles so bad that I can’t walk upright. In the meantime, you want to play the stupid “We know better than you” bullcrap, I invite you to confer with the morons of the Spiritual Life Institute, and ask them how well that kind of patriarchal control play works on a truly free person. So yeh, I’m not free because the goddamned drugs hem me in on every side and focking suck all the life, vitality and energy out of me, but I am free enough to withhold my cooperation, and consider it withheld until I get my body and my free will back.
No change right now—just greater realization of what is goin on. Severe headache. I realize how victimized I am by these occultic evil masons. I see that someone is trying to get ratzinger. I saw one of his minions, fr. Murphy on tv—another satanist. I realize now that malachi martin was so close to understanding what was going on. Ratz had all pedophile cases refered to him as inquisitor—why? So he could protect the satanists, like he did murphy, while the pathetic pedophile freelancers—of which there are quite a few—hung high. Well, I am glad that the evil somewhere is receiving justice but not the people who push the brain downloads in my brain. I realize how my poor body is giving out—more and more I feel like I have diabetes and I don’t know if I am ever going to get my pelvic girdle normal. So sick that I cant exercise . but the worst of all right now is the goddamned headache. All so I can channel for these sick sons of bitches. Gonna be a bad nite—all I can do is ask for God to protect me. Nothing I can do about my body. How much suffering can I endure? Am I fated to live out the rest of my life imprisoned in pain and suffering by these goddamned satanic implants?
Fighting so hard to get up and do little tasks--so enervated by drugs. I guess that beats going out of my mind with pain which is the other alternative--which crescendos when the implant downloads peak.
I am very worried about certain long term changes--my musculo-skeletal system is so spasmed that I can't keep my legs straight or reach out with my arms. Also, for the second day in a row I noticed that I could not understand a Spanish speaker. I don't consider myself fluent in Spanish, but I can understand and communicate pretty decently, but the last two times someone has spoken to me in Spanish, I couldn't understand AT ALL. It's as though I can't enter the state of mind that I need to enter in order for the brain to be receptive to a foreign language. I hope this is not a long term thing, but I suspect these implants (and drugs) are attempting to increase my right brain ability (imagination), at the expense of the left brain (logic and language). But by my (autistic), nature, I already am overwhelmingly right brain. What I have had to do is really work at left brain utility, but now these implants are totally undermining my ability to function in reality. Nothing I can do.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
several posts ending with 3.24
Later…not feeling better, just more deeply drugged. I realize it has been over a week since I last worked out and couldn’t even work out for the full session last time I went. Now my body is wrecked with the chemical caused muscle spasms of last night. I can move a few incehes at a time, but my entire right leg and hip are now out of joint. I just discovered that I literally cannot rotate my arm with the palm up. Of course it doesn’t matter to the Grand Inquisitors. They still are trying to get me to some unnatural state of being—whether it be in the holographic world of our would-be slavers or the pietistic state of utter sterility that the Jesuit/opus dei crowd venerates as holiness. They don’t know what holiness is. Well let me tell you, assholes. Holiness is persevering in the state in which one is true, to self and true to God, and true to reality, even when it means being drugged and tortured and muscle-wracked. Nothing great I am doing—only being true to myself, humanity, and God, of which my tormentors know nothing, except by secondhand hearsay. They are correct about one thing tho—thanks to their goddamned drugs I am closer to the psychosis—I am not in reality at all. Only one problem you sorry assed fockers—I am a mystic, truth to me is oppenness to reality. Anything that happens in this psychotic haze and pain is of the devil and my spirit knows it, and my spirit cannot be drugged. When will you realize that you lost me years ago—that when you failed to honor my free will, that you revealed yourselves to be children of Satan. It is you who are the true prisoners of this planet. You can kill me, destroy my health and body, but you cannot change or control my spirit. It will be in sadness, but in knowledgeable experience, that I, along with God’s holy angels and true saints, will stand in judgement against you. May God preserve any human being from suffering the undeserved hell that you have unleashed upon me. Run and hide, fockers, judgment is coming….
Neverending motherXXXXing pain. Muscles so spasemed and locked I cant walk upright. Try so hard to walk but I cant walk more than a couple of hundred yards before muscle spasms make it impossible to move. Even at my best, I am walkinmg like rain man. Legs cant bend. Muscles in glutes frozen but getting bigger and bigger as I cannot walk with my back or stomach muscles. Getting fatter and fatter. Way too much pain and muscle spasm to work out. Hurt so bad. Do these assholes have any idea how much I hate them for the pain they cause me. I don’t think it msatters to them. They live in another world. But I live in physical one. Not very well. God please help me survive this hell.
March 23, 2010
I’m listening to a pretty smart guy, a Dr. Amen, talk aabout the brain and losing weight. I appreciate what the guy is saying but I know that unlike Dr Amen and his audience, I literally have no control over my own body. I am enslaved by satanic freemasons via implants and drugs, and even while watching the show I could not get to my feet, could not stay on my feet, hobbled in pain to walk, while my brain is back in brain stem strangulation/brain tumor mode. In addition my legs and arms are starting to cramp up, even while at rest, and my left hand and right foot are suffering from excruciating nerve pain caused by implants. My life is hell. I cannot do anything abut my weight until I have ownership of my body again, which may be never. I try to force myself to do some exercise, but there is no joy, no release of energy—nothing really give me joy—ask anyone who can barely hold their head up while their brain stem is being strangled, what gives them joy, and you will understand I am not being facilely dismissive.
I guess I am being punished because with each passing day I learn more and more of these satanic monsters and of their evil designs for humanity and our world. I now suspect that my (original) DNA has elements of two competing alien strains. Crazy as it seems, my paternal side—the MacGregors-- are descended from the watchers (and maybe, also, Constantine and/or the Merovingian bloodline. It is a lineage overlaid and shot through with evil, no doubt the gift of the fallen Watchers. An occultist of the 20th century—the prime mentor of Aleister Crowley laid claim to being a MacGregor (he probably wasn’t—he was a Mather, hmmm, another interesting name—Cotton Mather…), as justification for his inflated occultic claims. It was really very sad to read of his and Crowley’s depravations. As I read of their rites of murder, rape, and gross sexual immorality and explicit bestiality, I wasn’t afraid or disgusted. I found myself in a place of prayer while reading it, truly feeling sorry for people who could be so fundamentally disturbed and alienated.
Crowley and the contemporary occultists are right about one thing though—sexuality is very close to spirituality, and thus primal power. When I named this blog to reflect my desire to reclaim my own sexuality and spirituality back, I thought I was just fighting some narrow-minded, homophobic, Catholic Taliban prigs, but it goes so much deeper than that.
I’m finding it impossible to concentrate. Im in a lot of pain and need to take the only painkiller I have—alcohol. I hate starting to write something without finishing, but my suffering makes concentrated thought and exposition nearly impossible. Wish I could speak it into a software program. Another time.
March 24, 2010
Abducted again last nite. Woke up with cramping belly (only it was deep) and painful ovaries. I think the goddamned masonic fockers tried to scrape out whatever eggs I might have left after they removed them all three years ago during my eye surgery. Almost all. Ive had three, maybe four periods, since then. Maybe there is a couple of eggs left somewhere—motherfockers all salivating over the thought of an ovum marked with their overlords’ truly evil genetic tag. I don’t suppose there is many such “genetically correct,” fertile eggs left in any of the multiple universes that they scavenge, as they look to exploit any raw materials in an attempt to try to revive the degraded race, once known as homo sapiens, which they destroyed years ago in their virtual reality pods that totally denatured the human race from our own bodies.
I hate to be mean, but all I can say to that degraded species, aka, zeta reticulans, is “rest in peace.” Even the dinosaurs or Neanderthals didn’t have such an ignominious end. As for me, there is no peace or even small measure thereof. For the pathetic masonic/satanic/luciferian/templar minions are determined to deliver my soul on a platter to the luciferian lords they worship and serve. Ive been so sick all day that all I can do is hobble. My entire right leg and pelvis is jacked so that I cant even walk straith. Left arm messed up too. My right foot is inflamed with nerve pain and left side of body is severely arthritic. What do the Nazi fockers hope for now? More eggs you can scrape and ream out, you goddamned rapist pigs? The thought that I am going to channel for you sick sons of bitches? I don’t know. All I know is that I am sick and miserable beyond belief, and long for the truly merciful death that I wish for the progeny of my own stolen ova.
Neverending motherXXXXing pain. Muscles so spasemed and locked I cant walk upright. Try so hard to walk but I cant walk more than a couple of hundred yards before muscle spasms make it impossible to move. Even at my best, I am walkinmg like rain man. Legs cant bend. Muscles in glutes frozen but getting bigger and bigger as I cannot walk with my back or stomach muscles. Getting fatter and fatter. Way too much pain and muscle spasm to work out. Hurt so bad. Do these assholes have any idea how much I hate them for the pain they cause me. I don’t think it msatters to them. They live in another world. But I live in physical one. Not very well. God please help me survive this hell.
March 23, 2010
I’m listening to a pretty smart guy, a Dr. Amen, talk aabout the brain and losing weight. I appreciate what the guy is saying but I know that unlike Dr Amen and his audience, I literally have no control over my own body. I am enslaved by satanic freemasons via implants and drugs, and even while watching the show I could not get to my feet, could not stay on my feet, hobbled in pain to walk, while my brain is back in brain stem strangulation/brain tumor mode. In addition my legs and arms are starting to cramp up, even while at rest, and my left hand and right foot are suffering from excruciating nerve pain caused by implants. My life is hell. I cannot do anything abut my weight until I have ownership of my body again, which may be never. I try to force myself to do some exercise, but there is no joy, no release of energy—nothing really give me joy—ask anyone who can barely hold their head up while their brain stem is being strangled, what gives them joy, and you will understand I am not being facilely dismissive.
I guess I am being punished because with each passing day I learn more and more of these satanic monsters and of their evil designs for humanity and our world. I now suspect that my (original) DNA has elements of two competing alien strains. Crazy as it seems, my paternal side—the MacGregors-- are descended from the watchers (and maybe, also, Constantine and/or the Merovingian bloodline. It is a lineage overlaid and shot through with evil, no doubt the gift of the fallen Watchers. An occultist of the 20th century—the prime mentor of Aleister Crowley laid claim to being a MacGregor (he probably wasn’t—he was a Mather, hmmm, another interesting name—Cotton Mather…), as justification for his inflated occultic claims. It was really very sad to read of his and Crowley’s depravations. As I read of their rites of murder, rape, and gross sexual immorality and explicit bestiality, I wasn’t afraid or disgusted. I found myself in a place of prayer while reading it, truly feeling sorry for people who could be so fundamentally disturbed and alienated.
Crowley and the contemporary occultists are right about one thing though—sexuality is very close to spirituality, and thus primal power. When I named this blog to reflect my desire to reclaim my own sexuality and spirituality back, I thought I was just fighting some narrow-minded, homophobic, Catholic Taliban prigs, but it goes so much deeper than that.
I’m finding it impossible to concentrate. Im in a lot of pain and need to take the only painkiller I have—alcohol. I hate starting to write something without finishing, but my suffering makes concentrated thought and exposition nearly impossible. Wish I could speak it into a software program. Another time.
March 24, 2010
Abducted again last nite. Woke up with cramping belly (only it was deep) and painful ovaries. I think the goddamned masonic fockers tried to scrape out whatever eggs I might have left after they removed them all three years ago during my eye surgery. Almost all. Ive had three, maybe four periods, since then. Maybe there is a couple of eggs left somewhere—motherfockers all salivating over the thought of an ovum marked with their overlords’ truly evil genetic tag. I don’t suppose there is many such “genetically correct,” fertile eggs left in any of the multiple universes that they scavenge, as they look to exploit any raw materials in an attempt to try to revive the degraded race, once known as homo sapiens, which they destroyed years ago in their virtual reality pods that totally denatured the human race from our own bodies.
I hate to be mean, but all I can say to that degraded species, aka, zeta reticulans, is “rest in peace.” Even the dinosaurs or Neanderthals didn’t have such an ignominious end. As for me, there is no peace or even small measure thereof. For the pathetic masonic/satanic/luciferian/templar minions are determined to deliver my soul on a platter to the luciferian lords they worship and serve. Ive been so sick all day that all I can do is hobble. My entire right leg and pelvis is jacked so that I cant even walk straith. Left arm messed up too. My right foot is inflamed with nerve pain and left side of body is severely arthritic. What do the Nazi fockers hope for now? More eggs you can scrape and ream out, you goddamned rapist pigs? The thought that I am going to channel for you sick sons of bitches? I don’t know. All I know is that I am sick and miserable beyond belief, and long for the truly merciful death that I wish for the progeny of my own stolen ova.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
So very drugged
So very drugged, that I honest to God dont know how i got here, dont know how my shake fingers can type. i have to keep eyes shut, i should not have driven here. severely autistic, cannot look at any moving object, must only keep eyes on front of reoad. came because had things to look at. but am too fucked up to think. i just pray God gets me home safe. so sick of being drugged. is it better than the neverending pain. i go to bed crying every nite. last nite no exception. dreamed last nite tony soprano was brutalizing me and nothing i can do about it. yep, some goddamned 33rd degree freemason/satanist piece of mafia shit is brutalizing me with psychotrpic drugs. nothing i can do nothing i can. do . except suffer.
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