Good guys (the non Aryans and non Nazis) under attack

Good guys (the non Aryans and non Nazis) under attack big time, and that includes me. spent most of falling in out of sleep and that was a mercy . when i am awake i am in incredibele pain. too muchpressre on hips and back and even knees. but it is the hips and back that hurt most now. took a robaxin but i know it is the fluid pressure on joints not the spasms that really r killing me. dreamed that someone was pissed off at me because i interrupted a download. let me make this easy for you, goddamned nazis.. i dont care how much pain i am in, what kind of psychotronic abuse you do to my brain or what kind of brain wave state u induce, I am a woman of the spirit, and I will not cooperate with your agenda in any way. I may have your brain structure, but I dont have your lack of morals and soul. Im getting closer to understanding what u ar about and maybe that is why attack is so stron. dont know dont cre. i will never serve u, so you might as well kill me now. as long as i liv e i will fight your nazi racist asses and your autistic brains. (i think i figured out why you hate colored people--blacks and browns and aborigines so much--those r the ones u want to sacrifice to reptilians in exchange for a lil peace of your own). Well nothing is more torturing than a bad conscience so enjoy living with urs. I gotta live with this goddmaned pain, and fluid filled head and no hope in sight but with every breathe i take, I am praying for the good guys and it aint you.

Yanked from one drug to another

Yanked from one drug to another as I try so hard to get out of my head and into reality, but it is so hard when one implant after another, one psychotropic after another just keeps going off in body and brain. A lot of thinking going on, but unable to organize it rationally because the drugs undercut my mental health so badly. Wonder if people are finally getting smart about the new media and the NWO plan to turn us into a bunch of image driven, telepathic autistics....too sick to go into it any further. I no longer know who is good guy or who is bad guy. I just know I long for the peace of a contemplative, rational mind and a normal working and social life--none of which I have been allowed for years. Looking at my eyes, it is clear I am going to have a night from hell (had the brain rushes lat night but could still sleep). I don't think that will happen to nith. Got the crawlies all over body again. Nothing for it. My life is hell. ...................

Depakote???

Depakote??? Woke up all drugged and somnolent, and have struggled all day. I think it is depakote--the only thing the B12 has mitigated is the constant angry mood, but I still am suffering from a constant headache, throbbing in head, and an inability to focus or be productive. As always when I am on psychotropic drugs that cocoon me from reality, it is especially hard to interact socially. I am autistic, and I need to have high energy in order to be able to relate interpersonally. My neigbors of over three years told me they are moving, and they have been truly excellent and appreciated neighbors, but in both encounters, I was too drugged and too autistic to express any feelings. Hopefully I'll see them again. I'm sure I will--they are moving close by, and I know that their cats will be roaming, and all I got to do, once I spot them, is to look for the loved, nurtured, and expanded yard and garden that I am willing to bet is a big reason why they are moving. The day hasn't been a total loss. Called my mother but she is sick--Warren is pissed at me. BFD. I could cheer on my team as they advanced in the finals (and as the my fave veep of all time said, "that is a BIG FUCKING DEAL". Still, all in all, I just didn't have my normal enthusiasm nor could I treadmill. Eyes are slit once again, but the hardest part is just feeling so low energy and drugged. Nothing for it. Got to keep plugging away.

day from hell

day from hell. massive headache. psychotic mind. every muscle in bone aches, like i m on some drug. hop e it is not lithium. cant gain any more wight. frozen eyeballs. unable to see or bear stimuli. time to take lots of tylenol pm alcohol and pray God for release from this hell. losts of stuff going on. too sick to figure things out. too sick toeven read. body so thirsty , keep drinking, but mouth is parched. want water in mouth all time. sky dry feeting cracking. my life is sheer hell. no end in sight.

Depressed to the point of dsyfunction

Depressed to the point of dsyfunction...Wish I were dead. Wonder if i am on lithium. body feels catatonic. quad muscle r dead. forced myself to go to yoga last nite--drove to the far end of town because i knew the instructor from years ago at womens ellness, donna, and knew she was very gentle and resotrative. biggmistake. talking to donna only reminded me ow who i once was, healthy, storng, and most importantly free. now i am none of the above. they say doing yoga brings true feelings to surfac.e only know that i started crying during yoga, and prayedd to God for death. Highpoint is the most social of gyms I go to. After class wandered out, and saw people in club room and on terrace, drinking, laughing, socializing, and felt even more alienated and suicidal, realizeing that my humanity has been stolen from me my psychotropic drugs and that i will never be free to be me again. then on to vuy vodka. another thing about lithium. cant stand the reality. when on lithium want to be as drunk as fast and thick as i can stand to escape the hell that is my life. lithium also collapses time. knew somehting was worng driving. seem to take an eternity to drive thirty minutes.
woke up feeling even worse if possible. know that it is impossible to to go to any yoga, pissed of f at myself for not cancelling membership at end of apiril. waste of money. i desperately need to heal my body but it will never heal as long as i am drugged so i may as well forget it. just will make mye cry to see others who acturally are sovereign masters of owm body. i am a slave. no need to try to figure out what aliens probed me. doesnt matter. they are evil. if they want me to go astral planing they will have to destroy my mind first--not very far to go now. they dont get it. interdimensional travel is a spiritual thing, i have no spiritual life as drugged up as i am. only pshychosis can take me astral planing down. i hope and pray to God for every breaht i take for the ultimate astral trip00 death. dont wnat to be in this hellis body any more. Dreamed I was under (military) attack by people shooting at me from a bridge. i know who they are. all i can try to do is take cover. cant sto it. cant fire back / ddeath. God all i long for.

Fighting to be present to reality

Fighting to be present to reality...So what the fuck is going on now? After being terminated (fired, laid-off, whatever you want to call it)from my brief stint of employment, I have really struggled to be present to reality instead of just being off in imaginary fantasy. This happens whenever I am in an autistic state of being (which the alien implants and downloads create, or whenever I am drugged on western psychotropics. Risperdol is the worst. When I am on risperdol, I just want to lay in bed and live in my imagination. So am I on risperdol now? I don't know. Everything has changed (from the drugs I am force fed to my understanding of the situation), and at first I gave myself a little leeway to live in my imagination, because I have been struggling to make sense of what I experienced last week. I know full well, and I am comfortable with, the fact that I "think things through" in my imagination. Other people, who see me talking to myself, or try to hack into to my mind only to realize there are rapid cascades of images going through my head freak out abd automatically assume I am mentally ill, but I am not. That is just the way I think. After years of work, discipline, and college experience, I became quite comfortable and adept at thinking with facts and words, instead of just images, but after all the brain abuse and psychotropic drugging I have endured, I no longer am so "ambimentedextrous." And as I did as a youth and young adult, I have to FIGHT to stay present to physical reality. However, unlike my youthful days, when I was an omnivorous speed reader, now I even find it difficult to read and to think (I've got all the time in the world and reams of web content to read and view, but it's such a struggle to even desire to begin. All I want to do is lay in my fantasy world or watch TV). But I think there is some additional psychotropic drugging going on because physically I am so dead. The last time I went to yoga was Thursday night, and instead of feeling the energy go through me, all I wanted to do was lie down, curl up, and sleep on my mat. I don't think I have done any exercise since then. Haven't gone to yoga (I can't even get up before afternoon), havent bicycled, haven't even been able to work out on my treadmills, even though I have been watching sports, which is usually my favorite time to treadmill. (At least I am functional enough to watch sports, for which I am grateful I guess). I am not non-functional like I was when drugged before, just so drained and enervated that it is hard to do anything at all. I need to shake, my legs and arms are heavy dead weights, but i am unable to do anything at all, except fantasize either by myself or with the help of the TV. That is too bad because I really am reconsidering my position on things--I MAY be capitulating on my uncooperative stance, but when I am this drugged and enervated, I cannot get in touch with my inner self (Holy Spirit), and/or God, and there is no way I am going to make such a major change without getting an okay from God. In the meantime I will continue to resist, and I have to say that I think I am getting better at it. In the wee hours of Thursday morning (after being terminated), I "knew" I was going to be abducted, and I fought back. I heard the pencil jar rattling and felt the room shaking, but I don't think the fuckers got me. A couple of nights later, I woke up before abduction, and I think I cussed them out in their own language. But I am tired of all this shit. I don't like being so cocooned from reality. I need to be physical, to do yoga, to walk, to bicycle, to be free of this enervated drugged up feeling that just makes me want to sleep. Well good news is, I wont fight sleep tonight./ Very tired. Maybe they will try to abduct me again. I dont care as long as im so knocked out, i dont feel it. Massive headaches and pain behind eyes. Have to get some more tylenol pm/.
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Terminated

Terminated from the job. Still trying to figure that setup out. I have some interesting theories, but Im still chewing it. I can say that I was being monitored for how the drugs affected me--and monitored with a very sophisticated and incredibly subtle telepathy. Having said that, I can still state that I am drugged up. The drugs have changed. My body isn't so rigidly locked in muscle spasm anymore, but I am on something that makes me so tired and dragging that it is difficult to move. The last time I went to yoga was Thursday night, and it is a very restorative class, but even so, for the entire class, all I wanted to do was lay down on my mat and sleep. Frid and Sat I didnt go to yoga because I couldn;t get out of bed to make it to a 12 NOON class. Even now I am so tired I just want to lay back in bed and sleep. Kitchen is a mess, but all my high energy that enables me to keep a clean house is gone. Im not going to be able to do anything today. Maybe later i can clean kitchen, In the meanntime, I cannot even bear to listen to music, body is shutting down.