Fuckers were in my head again, last nite,

Fuckers were in my head again, last nite, trying to access my dreams. You would think they would learn that, no matter how much they violate my privacy, my conscience, my psyche, the stench of their evil pervades their every move. Oh, the evil, satanic bastards are moving too. They have put so much pressure on my brain that I feel like I've got parasites moving beneath my brain (not too far off, either--fucking luciferian parasites, even tho' they dare to call themselves "Christian" for the masses). I was too sick to even get out of bed today, so fucki8ng high and drugged on something that i wasnt even in reality. Worst of all is the relentless muscle spasms and pain. Because of the car accideent i had on friday, I desperately need the opportunity for the body to heal. Instead my msucles are so spasmed that my knees hurt from all the fluid buildup, and my feet are ice cold because of the poor circulation. The spasms have wrenched my right leg and buttock out of the pelvic girdle and it is goddamned PAINFUL. So depressed about condition of body, and my state of life. Then I see the Louisiana people, sick to their hearts and souls about their state of life and their beautiful environment, and I feel their worry. How are they going to pay for their boat payments, mortgages, kids in college, etc. They are the free enterprise entrepeneurs that I support, not the parasitic (aaah, the luciferian parasites are everwhere)monopoly capitalists that don't give a damn about the human being. I believe that the attack on the oil rig was done by the North Koreans, in alliance with the same western Nazis that engineered 9/11. Halliburton was involved, the pigs. I was hoping to be well enough to pray for discernment as I watched Hillary Clinton go to China (I knew she was making a desperate diplomatic attempt to avoid war--for really, how can the oil rig attack not be considered an act of war). I haven't been very healthy, but from what I have been able to tell, the trip was not a success, which I didn't expect, because really, I found it hard to believe (from a common sense perspective, not from any insider knowledge or discernment) that NK would act so brazenly without explicit Chinese support. Then two weeks later, Kim Jong Il was in China getting another handout--"Gulf Coast blood money"--which is the only thing that keeps his failed, disatrous economy and state going. China has been begging for a war, and even though we are weakened and overextended, I don't see how we are going to avoid it, if only (or maybe, initially, through proxy). Unfortunately, China is the country operating from the position of financial, military, and strategic advantage (they have cornered all the vital resources of the world, including rare metals, and oil). Even more disturbing is the pondering going on in my heart of (once again) the possibility of the explicit undermining support of Barack Obama. Obama couldn't go any lower in my estimation. I know that he doesn't love himself or this country, but like the (truly) psychotic, fractured Manchurian candidate and no-self that he is, he longs for something to validate an identity he has never had nor worked to develop--he is just a mind-controlled platform of narcissism and vain ego impulses, but he thinks if he can be the first "world president" he finally will have the identity and self-respect that has eluded him his entire life (and it is his fault--he is lazy and never did the hard work of developing self and character). He doesn't understand...it doesn't work that way. I think there will be a world government someday, but for it to be a success, instead of a monstrosity, it will need to be inaugarated by someone full of love, love of self, family, and identity--national and familial.
Of course, Christian prophecy despises the notion of a one world government, and I believe that it will be a source of the most evilly powerful anti-Christ this world has ever known, but I can't help but feel it is a challenge that the human race must accept and successfully overcome if we are to move forward as a race. Anyway, that is something I continue to pray about.
I also am praying for discernment to learn if Barack Obama once again did the bidding of his Nazi masters. ("Anything, just make me the first world president, Maurice"). I have strong suspicions because Obama made an "interesting" trip to Afghanistan a couple of months ago. The web "conspiracy theorists" noted that his clothes were covered with dust, and they couldn't figure out why. Of course the cover story was that he went to upbraid Karzai, but I, along with most other people who truly follow current events, know that Obama is a puppet who gets zero respect from all the real leaders of the world. When Karzai is upbraided, it is by the defacto leaders of America--Hillary Clinton and the military (of which Robert Gates is the most visible figurehead).
So, I wondered, what was the real motive? Was he just wanting to humiliate Karzai so that he could feel better about his own pathetic self? (I've noticed that he really enjoys humiliating people, and like a petty third world tyrant (to whom he is more psychologically akin than to an American statesman--or stateswoman, he powertrips and humilates others so that he can feel good about himself. The only web analyst who seemed to really hit a reasonant nerve with me (was it Sorcha Faal) mentioned that he actually went to meet the Chinese in Afghanistan, and somehow I brought in Maurice Strong (I don't remember if I got a hint, or if I just know that Maurice Strong has been working with the Chinese for over two years now, to destroy the USA, so whenever I see "Chinese", I say "where is 'Maurice Strong'"). Anyway, it was after that trip to Afghanistan that Obama reversed himself on drilling offshore, which I found a little odd, but I wondred if Obama had bit the national security bullet, and recommended that we drill offshore because he (or Clinton/Gates) recognized that we had to be prepared for war, and needed to be oil independent to do so (because China has got us outmaneuvered in the Middle East oilfields). I gave the man the benefit of the doubt...
But now, I am completely mystified by his utter lack of leadership on the issue. I know that he is not really a leader at all, but he usually is so good at pretence and rhetorical fakery of it all, but even that is absent, which is surprising because he was disturbed by Katrina, and I expected a more genuine response to the disaster that is transpiring in the Gulf. Ronald Reagan could take on a powerful union, but he can't stand up to BP? A first term governor has the balls to offer proactive, creative and immediate action (any action, for God's sakes), but Obama is just diddling--"plug the damn hole"--oh I bet that kind of language has BP shaking in their well-heeled boots, which they are so nonchalantly grinding on the necks of the Gulf citizens--all of them--the humans, mammal, fish and fowl), and even worse, Obama has been diddling since day one. So now I am wondering, was the meeting in Afghanistan with Maurice Strong, and is he once again doing Strong's bidding, and was the whole oil well drilling a setup? If so, he has to go. I feel sorry for the Democratic party politicos. The web is abuzz that the whole Obama illegitimate nomination and election was actually engineered behind the scenes by Karl Rove, and there is no doubt that Obama may very well be the death of the democratic party, but even hardboiled Democrat politicos have to put the country before the party, and IF, IF, IF, this ugly suspicion is true, O has got to go, because it will be clear that he wants to destroy this country. Well, I am going to pray on it. I am going to pray for my country, her real leaders, and all her foot soldiers. God Bless America, and all of those pouring their hearts and Seoul into their efforts.

After three days of muscle spasming

After three days of relentless muscle spasming, my right leg is now completely wrenched out of the pelvic girdle, leaving me in constant, gasping pain. I can't walk--I can only drag my leg clubfoot style. Hurts to even just lay in bed. On top of that, I got some psychotropic in me makes it nearly impossible to do anything--nauseated, want to lay in bed and cry. Cry with pain, cry with frustration (GODDAMN IT, CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKERS, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO BE FREE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPIDITY, YOUR ARROGANCE, AND YOUR ABUSE? Do I have to die, then please God, put me out of misery and let me die). It's clear from my dreams that once again, stupidass, unspiritual, unfaithful Christians are claiming ownership over my life, reducing me to a slave. I cant believe their stupidity. Honestly i cant believe. Saturday, at yoga, while I suffered and struggled for over an hour to stretch out muscles, and actually had to lie down in pain for over 15 minutes, one of the sorryass Christians (the kind for whom the gospel is a model for self-effacement of personality, rahter than self-actualization of personality) turned to me and said, "don't you feel so much better now?" I wanted to go off on her right ther. "yOU GODDAMNED STUPID BITCH...HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID? Use your eyes woman--Anyone with two eyes in their head, anyone attuned to reality can see how much i am suffering and struglging while on these goddamned drugs." But self-effacing, "nice" "pietistic" types who join Opus Dei, and say the rosary and go to the Church, guess what--they are not attuned to reality at all, because their faith is not of the spirit but of ideological personality brainwashing. That is not my faith, my understanding of the gospel or the witness of Jesus, so please you stupidass fucking idiots, keep those pietistic lameass, pathetic wannabe human beings away from me, and especially when i am in this kind of pain. Because when i am in pain, my tolerance level for stupidity, inanity, and , self-effacing fembots who don't have any idea of what the spiritual life is about, goes from medium level to low, and I will snap. Dreamed that once again the Christians (should say conservative Catholics) are trying to force their own reality on me. It is not my reality. I am not allowed to live my reality. And I am keept drugged to make sure that I don't write out my vision of reality, because they cannot handle reality, they cannot the truth, they cannot handle a deeply spiritual person who falls contrary to their expectations, tthat is, a sexually active lesbian. As for me, I am sick, sick with the fiery pain of a wrench leg, sick with the headaches and nausea of whatever drug I am on, sick to the point i cant read, write or clean house, or take care of details. i just twant the goddamned world to end so i can go into oblivion instead of living this hell that i smy life.

So fucked up on psychotropics

So fucked up on psychotropics not in reality not able to function.. long for oblivion, especially since such severe pain. back muscles so wracked, locked spasmed that it hurts to lift a up to lips. hurts to breathe. dont know what is worse the physical torment or psychological one. all i know is im in hell wish for oblivion for pain to stop. goa head motherfuckers. glad u r torturing me. makes it easy for me to say u will never get nothing from me. hope ur remote viewers can get in my head so they can see whats going on. stupid mother fuckers the only way i come up with insights is by thing king in images u deem psychotic. good luck inside my head now that u have made it truly psycholtic, blasted and alienated. at least i am too sick to see some stupidsass christian thinking how much better i feel when anyone with two eyes can see how totally fucked up i am but u dont listen to reality, u r not aware of reality, and now u r all happy since i share ur stupidass psychosis.

psychically raped and bludgeoned

psychically raped and bludgeoned by the stupid motherfuckers trying to use me. in incredible godawful, torturous pain and misery. eyes frozen, muscles so wracked, i cant believe the own anatomical disortions i feel with my body. nauseated, sick with migraine and head pain beyond belief as i look at a grotesquely disfigured and swollen face. nerve pain and muscle pain so bad that every instant is hell. well guess what motherfuckers? you just completely shut me down. i WILL NOT SHARE ONE MORE SCRAP OF EVIDENCE OR IMPRESSION I RECEIVE. NOT ONE. peiorid. think i wont. think again. the sons of bitches who are torturing me to the point of death to get me to channel. are going to create a world where it is better to be dead than to suffer as i suffer. dont believe me, do you motherfuckers. goddamned fucking opus dei jesuits never believed me, well gues what i keep my intentions. you have just sent me over the edge, you have killed the goose that lays the golden egg. now i have to go ot bed try to sleep in this terrible, pain.

I finally figured out what the weight gain

I finally figured out what the weight gain and the feeling of being "miserable in my own skin" is about--the goddamned Catholic fascists have actually pulled my thyroid medication which basically has severely slowed my digestion to the point of near stoppage. It's not completely stopped, but it is so sluggish that it feels like it. That is why my stomach is so bloated and feels so heavy (making me feel like 've gained 10 pounds instead of four pounds. It took me a while to recogize it, because I so instinctively try to accomodate my body's limitations and needs, so that I haven't been eating regular meals, but have been eating and snacking on tiny portions at a time (all the while wondering what is messing my appetite, and feeling guilty that I keep eating--my calorie input is about the same, if not less, but I just am not able to eat regular, well-balanced meals. I am dyspeptic (that is the word that comes to mind, tho' I'm not positive if that is the correct word. My stomach feels like it is perpetually rock heavy and trying to digest, and I feel some kind of backup (GERT?) going on clear up into my esophagus. Also, my hair has turned to lifeless straw and I have acquired huge bags under my eyes. My skin has been getting dryer for some time (vitamin D) for some time now, but now it is getting positively ashy. Fucking goddamned pigs thinking they can just jerk me around on their goddamned drugs with their goddamned agenda. Sadly for me, they are on their celibacy high horse again. I found long blondish/gray hair in my bedroom. I don't know who it belonged to, but I was pissed. The only hair I want to find in my bedroom is a medium-sized black (Hispanic) strand. These religious zealots, through their ignorance, have made my life hell for years, and continue to make it hell. More than aything else, I want to find support, love and encouragement from someone who recognizes and accepts me for who I am, and guess what Christians--it ain't you!!! I've had a small number of people who for years have truly accepted, loved and supported me. I know who my friends are, and who my detractors (enemies is too strong a word). Yesterday I was hit while driving on the freeway. My truck suffered minor damage to the passenger door, but I couldn't be angry at the young driver who was apologetic and had made an immature error in judgment and action. I was supposed to see Dr. Huaman yesterday, but even though I made it to her office, I was discomobulated and in muscular pain and tension and she wanted to reschedule. That is a metaphor for what is really going on. Well-intentioned spiritually immature people are out hitting my personhood and self identity, making it difficult for people to enter the passenger side of my life. I briefly (like for a long second saw Dr. Huaman) but got a charge of joy and happiness which I haven't experienced in a long time. I don't know what my future will bring, but I know what gives my joy, encouragement, hope, and a feeling of "home" and "family". I also know what I truly need to be healthy, productive, and creative, and that is being in a stable committed relationship with another lesbian. I am sickened to the death of the celibate frauds who have stolen years of my life and made it a living hell. AND THEY STILL ARE DOING IT!!!!! That is why I am miserable with this heavy, painful belly and lack of digestion (why pull my thyroid meds? So they can try another round of psychotropics to try to turn me into the religious, celibate plaster zombied saint of their immature dreams). I also find the back pain (caused by the accident) metaphorical for the never ending pain and suffering I've endured at the hands of these immature spiritual juveniles. Getting more practical, I need to do something about the back pain. I wish i had some pain killers or flexiril, but all i have is yoga and a heating pad. There is nothing the medical profession or chiropractic can do. I just have to work out the tension and pain. Fortunately I think i can do a little yoga today. What I REALLY want, and the body REALLY needs, is to feel loving hands massage out the pain. But I am denied that what I most need--physical, intimate, loving touch, and so I suffer through another day of pain and misery, wondering if i am going to suffer this shit for the rest of my life....LEAVE ME ALONE CHRISTIANS!!!!

have the fucking pigs put me on lithium again?

have the fucking pigs put me on lithium again? ask because i am goint catatonic again, severe back and abdominal wall pain. head and neck is catatonic too remember very clearly how mny entire abdomen locks up on lithium. cant live thru another nite of pain like last nite but already so fucked up i m going to have take major painkiller to sleep. needkess ti say, i an totaolky nonfucntional. if there idea is to prevent me from going to dr. it is working. too goddamned sick to do anything. also, gaining weight, and as with lithium, have zero appetite. eat to stay functioning blood sugar and insult to injury gain weight. im so sick of this shit. s sick of this shit God, end it please end it.

Body wracked with pain, psyche depressed

Body wracked with pain, psyche depressed--incredible pain last nite from fluid. today body is wracked, hurting. spine and back are completely jacked up. will go to yoga but hhonestly dont know if i can do more than childs pose. going to quit gym . not able to go to yoga. worse part is the depression. trying to pep myself up but truth is im severely depressed. i just have no energy no joy, feel drained hopeless, worthless. im so tired of feeling like shit all the time, and then on top of that to be in such terrible pain....againing weight ottoo. i wonder if all my suffering is because of the web pages i was reading last nite--about the demonic deception of nesara, th ashtar command, lady master magda, etc. or maybe it is because i hope to see dr huaman tommorew. they hate it when i see someone who recognizes and affirms me for who i am . something they can never do. dont know if i will be well enough to go. i need glasses and it would be truly wonderful to see dr huaman again but i am so fucked up i can barely walk, and so severely depresssed i doubt my ability to interact with anyone.