My God, when does this suffering end?

My God, when does this suffering end? i cant keep on much longer. so goddamned sick can barely move. Migraines, nausea all day. severe migraine, not in pain but in result. severe motion sickness. dangerous for me to drive. not seeing reality right. can barely walk. have no energy. no energy. feel like i did after hospital stay barely able to physically walk. too sick to read. too sick to clean house. try to get things done but too fucking sick. arms hurting typing this. arms too weak to type. body too weak to sit down on tioilet seat. want to shake but body has no energy to shake. any knind of mental work out of question. too sick to read understand apply anything. this life, aint worth living. end it god, end it or i woilwill do it. sick of sufferingall time. body hurts, need diesperately to do yoga but have zero energy for even stretching yoga. body cant hold any position whatsoever. sicck of this goddamned wasted life. sick of it god. endit. end it end it. no one should have to suffer the misery i have suffered . no one. i would rather the world end in fire fforever than have another living osould go thru the hell that is my life.

Hell has new meaning--

Hell has new meaning--now in addition to never ending pain, suffering, sickness, and torment, I am suffering from serious overheating. I have had heat exhaustion/stroke before and know what it is. I have suffered from it the last two days. The stupid goddamened alien implants destroying my God-given DNA to "put their tag on me" so they can get their ET rocks off, is superheating the body and i cannot stay cool, even though i lay in front of my very mediocre and weak swamp cooler without moving. It is so bad that somethimes i cant even drink water. I bought a bag of ice so i can suck on ice chips when that happens, or i suck on a popsicle to try to cool myself down in order to drink water. I dont like the heat. I prefer cooler temperatures, but I have lived in ABQ for nearly 10 years, and in this little house with its ancient swamp cooler, for four years, and I have never suffered from the heat the way that I am now. As a matter of fact, I have rarely turned on the cooler at all, but now, my internal heat is so high, that I can feel heat emanating from my head. Then on top of that I am so low energy and nauseas that I can barely move. I want to leave a clean house for my trip, but now I am so sick that I don't know if i can make it. Jeff (my brther) will be so disappointed if i don't go, but i am dreading it. I am so sick i just want to lay down at all times with eyes closed. My feet are so sore and painful from the implants that I can hardly walk. Yet I will have to make it to a connecting flight in Chicago in under a 45 minute layover, and I have scary teenage memories of O'Hare airport--a humongous, overwhelming maze in which I got lost more than once. But when I was a teenager, I could WALK, better yet, I could run, and I had a spring in my step that got me where i needed to go. On time. But that, still, is looking ahead. I still HAVE to do laundry and go to the bank, and buy shoes and a gift, and I have no enrergy to even move. On top of all that I am suffering from back pain again. I was worked on by a healer who has worked on me before. She is very effective in a subtle way, and she did work my body around. but now it is all jacked again. Not only the back, but my right leg and hip are wrenched out of socket again, and I am truly in a lot of pain, but there is nothing i can do about it. the godamned downloads. spasm evry muscle i have, and leave me in constant pain. UI havent been following the news--every time I open to a MSM browser window, I hold my breath to see if the world is at war yet (Israel/Middle East problem), but I am too sick to follow the in depth and real news I get from the "conspiracy" sites. (I have to be mentally energetic and healthy enough to sift out the "tares from the wheat" on those sites, and make the connections myself and I am too sick to do that now. And what is Hillary doing in SA? Too sick to figure it out. When I am this sick all i can do is pray. I pray that i can get up and do what it is i got to do.

From bad to worse

Fr0m bad to worse --yesterday spent shopping. gratefully had energy for first part of day. but still didnt get all shopping done. hard to shop for shoes when you can barely bend over becdause back is locked up ad you are nearly 100 pounds overweight, thanx to psychotropic drugs forced on you. i ran out of gs. started getting very sick. realized i lost all ability to interact with people, enthusiasm for shopping, could barely walk. feet were so swollen and painful with the implants . got home and realized how sick i was no appetite to eat even tho i hadnt eaten in over 8 hours. brother called didnt want to tal to him, though he as all happy to talk. went to bed immediately feleling like shit, dint brush teethe, or change clothes. woke up completely fucked up. i still have to shop. no shopping is going to get done today. im not going to be able to move, cant even keep eyes open. cant do youga. which is too bad because i woke up with SEVERE cramps in my legs. think the implants really fucking up legs. so goddamne hot but im not going to be able to do anything. so fucking nauseated.

Suffering

Suffering--never ending suffering as I struggle to function with thee goddmned drugs in y body. Sick to the point of not being able to bear it. full of rage at the STUPIDASS FUCKING GODDMANE ASS PIG CHRISTIANS WHO I BLIieve are responsible formy suffering. SAME OLD SHIT. wont take NO for an answer. iam not interested. you make me sick. literally and figurzatively. my visiona of faith and spirit is much different than yoursso STOP THE GODDAMNED SHIT. And dont send any more jehovahs witnesses to my door. NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR FUCKED UP PATRIARCHAL VRISOION OF CHRISTIANITY. I am interested in conncecting with people of SPIRIT, not mind-controlled religion. This is going to be a hell week for me as i struggle to function with theise goddamned jesuit opus deil demon from hell piece of shit wannabe so called "christioans" drugging me up on psychotropic.s. have to do all kinds of shit and i can barely fucntion. got to go to a wedding where no doubt everyone will try to convicne me how sick i am . all i wanna do is lay on floor with towel wrappd aruound mi head, suffering in pain, nausea and muscular misery, longing for the days when I felt loved and supported (guess what, you fucing assholdes, BY A LESBIAN!!). Thank God i have had a feeling fo being loved otherewise i would have nothing to hope for. i dont know how the fuck i am going to make it thru this week . already overewhelmed and it has bearely started.

unimaginabld apain and torment

unimaginabld apain and torment, fycjub acyoybctyre was bitgubg byt a byt okyg fir tgese giddnabed bazus ti raoe ne wutg a nibster suzed cgenucak bvuicgenucak dukdi, bidt cabt gabdke tgese soas,ns, tgat us wt bidt us si kicje dyo, tirtyre, tii tirttyred ti exoress ut, nist girrubke gekk feekubg ibe eatg m jbiwubg bidt us beubg desxgtrited cab di bitgub, body being destoryed can do nothing. cant even sleep in bed. broken. have neighbor who will fix it but room has to be cleaned. needless to dsay, can do nothin.except pray for death to end theis misery. kil me god, please kill me.

Jerked around from one psychotic state to another

Jerked around from one psychotic state to another--another wasted day of my life as I tried to to accomodate extreme mood swings of rage and tears, tried to accomplish some routine tasks, and went to test at some facility where I was so drugged it's a miracle I didn't crash my truck while driving. As it were, the drugging made me so psychotic that I failed the visual perception part of my test. Even drugged, I can pass a verbal test, but the drugs completely skew and disorient my ability to process images. I suffer from motion sickness and severe nausea (and diarrhea, and cannot even watch TV as I aget sick watching people move. But it also disturbs my ability to process static images. I could not hold an image template in my head and could not concentrate at all on finding the image in a screen. Instead, everything blossomed out like a rorschat test. Very weird. Too bad. I would have been eligible for benefits with a part time job, and realistically that is what I am looking for. But I can't spend time on that. I have got too much going on. I have to get some acupuncture, fix my truck, clean house, and buy a gift for my nephew and his bride to be. All of these things are high energy items for me, but after a day like today I am not sure I will be able to to complete the tasks. Furthermore, I am scared to drive a rental (strange) car while I am so drugged. O well, at least tonight I am a little clearer. Thank God

Yanked from one psychotic drug to another

Yanked from one psychotic drug to another--now i am on th one that makes me laugh hysterically. also ills me with increcidble mood swings, and especially rage. fixed my dvd player. smashing my fist on it. i wanted ththrow it against wall but figured it might be salvageble. so i pounded te hell out of it. works now. better than me. brain so fucked up not in realit. wanting to go off. i am supposed to take a three hour test today ofra a job. dont think that is going to happen. too fucked up to doanythin except lay down pray for death. hate my life, my body my self. cant stand to see face in mirror. keep fatntasizing aobut death. my life aint worth liveng. mustnt forget migraines and nausea. too sick to do yoga, too sick to live life. too sick to do anything but wish for death