More shit from the fucking goddamned assholes

More shit from the fucking goddamned assholes. Stupid pricks tampered with my heavy metal detox--which costs a hundred dollars a bttle. Dr. Huaman today told me, " YOu are your own doctor." Good thing I am--if I hadnt fought for my life and my health at every step of the way against the assinine MD's of the alphabet agencies and the institutions my insurance paid for, I would be dead if lucky, and insane if not!! Instead I am just broke--broke finanacially, and broken in health, mind and spirit, and yet the bloodsuckers still continue their goddamned mind games with me. Most immediately distressing is that they tampered with the heavy metal detox that I was taking, and which made me (in my intestines) feel dramatically betterthe very first time I took it. I could tell the difference immediatelyh. But as with every treatment, situation, and human being that makes me feel better, they have to taint it, tamper with it, destroy it. They are only interested in a schizoid mind-controlled robot to help them destroy and enslave humanity for their evil and satanic masters.
I AM AUTISTIC, GODDAMN IT! I WAS BORN THAT WAY! I have to struggle to stay present in physical reality and socially interact with others. I cannot handle the everyday heavy metals without a bunch more poison put in me by the constant efforts of fucking sold out Pibs (pricks in black) who are paid to monitor my every move.

And I have spent most of the day very autistic. At Dr. Huaman's office, they drugged me up with eye drops (three instead of two), but as often happens when I am in an autistic state, I am not aware of what is happening at the time but only afterward. But even though I had wanted to be presented in social interaction, I just wasnt there. Dr. Huaman was angry with me, because of my stubbornness and the fact that I won't have surgery on my eye that is going blind. My body has never recovered from the implants of the first surgery. I shudder to think of what would happen in round 2. I long to get my body in some kind of physical fitness health again. No more surgery until that happens, and if it never does, I go blind. My body and life aint worth a shit anyhow. THe bottom line is that I am not having any more surgery of any kind until I have some kind of emotional support. I am tired of having to do everything myself, not able to depend on anybody for anything, not having anyone to talk to, or minister to me when I feel all fucked up as I do right now with my back muscles screaming in spasm over the poison the Pibs put in my detox medication. I am tired of being locked away in autistic isolation all the time. I need a partner. I need support. And until its there, I am just a jacked up piece of shit that these PIBs can do their medical experiments on. Well do it you stupid fuckers. But dont expect any cooperation from me.

Very sick and increasingly worried

Very sick and increasingly worried. Not functional. not able to read thin watch tv. too sick to concentrate on anything. even keep eyes open. it hurts to open eyes. physically hurts. i was supposed to see dr huaman tomorrown but i canncelled because i know my vision is seriously messed up and im afraid i cant get a good visual field test or even test well for eye prescription. im tired of trying to take eye exams all drugged up. messes the results and it a waste of time and money. however, im starting to think maybe i should call more onher neruoplogical expertise. there is a large lump on the upper right of my head, kind of like when i had a concussion, except of course i havent hit my head. the swelling is all internal. im also very worried about hypothalamus. i alternate between hot flashes and feverish chills. i cant eat very much or drink very much tho im desperately thirsty. stomack just feels so very full. i keep having the involuntary body convulsions that i occasionally suffer from at nite--now all time. think something is very wrong. huaman is only dr. i trust. cant go to er. went to dr last week for pap smear and she fucking tortured me on purpose. maybe ill just lay down and die. my life isnt worth living.

Ketoacidosis again

Ketoacidosis again. Smelling acetone and sweetness on urine again. fuckers really doing a number on me. whatever iw as on to make me healthier gone. suffering from severe hot flashes again, ust want to lay still in front of cooler. I truly believe they are giving me drugs to inducepsychosis, so that i will channel their lying demonic SHIT. defintely dont feel well. have to take major shit to sleep. my brother came to visit me yesterday and was bummed out that I wantsnt in reality with him. jeff is very fragile emotionally and easily hurt but early stages of drugging left me sick, and unable to relate. i have to cary my faily emotionally. needless to say i cant carry anyone in this state. so jeff went off drinking. i try to tell him whats up but jeff doesnt have the breath of intellect to wrap around whats really going on. just believe whats hes told. nothng i can do about it. Fucking bastards not only destroying my life but negatively impactng the people around me as well. supposed to get eye exam tomorrow. too sick to drive, too sick to get an accurate visual field. vision is all messed up. hated to cancel appt but im too sick to go. have a few 3 mor visits with alternative healer, but my cbody is completely wrecked right now. in one nite of drugging, stupidsass fuckers undid 5 double ssessions of healing work. spine and musculo skeltetal system wrackd. Nothing i can do except maintain that i will not cooperate with these fucking pigs. i got to say, i was wartned in a dream, night before last, "the drug pushers are coming" oh yest they most ceratainly did, and my body is trashed, and my braine is nonfunctioning thanx to asshole goddaman drug pushersx.

PIGS PRICKS GODDAMNED ASSHOLES

PIGS PRICKS GODDAMNED ASSHOLES HAVE GOT ME ON FUCKING LITHIUYM AGAIN. KNOW BECAUSE BODY IS GOING CATATONIC CANT TURN HEAD. YOU STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLES YOU HAVE ALREADY CAUSED PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE. DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING KILL ME? Y OU ALREADY TURNED ME INTO A WHALE , WHATS ANOTHER SIXT Y POUND TO YOU GODDAMNED FUCKERS. IN SEVERE PAIN. BODY NO LONGER HEALTHY ENUF TO TRY TO FUNCTION WITH THIS KIND OF PAIN. WISH I COULD KILL WISH I COULD DIE. JUST OUT OF THIS BODY , BODY THAT DOESNT BOELONG TO ME. GET THIS FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. GET THIS FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. THET HIS FUCKING SHIT OUT OF ME. LORTAB. GOOD THING JEFFF GAVE ME KNOCKOUT PILLS . HAVE TO KNOCK SELF OUT.

Good days r over--drugging starts again

Good days r over--drugging starts again. After a nite of extreme pain and muscle spasms woke up with every muscle and joint in body aching. hurts to turn neck. hurts to sit and put pressure on ribs to hold body up. but worst of all, stupidass fuckers messing with my digestion again. whatever i was given for cushings was pulled. now im not able to eat at all. belly grossly bloated. sick once again with motion sickness. too sick to concentrate, read, watch tv. talk to anyone. bro came by . ttoo sick to dal with it. worxt of all is the too sick to eat. digest. just when i start to feel better. know i have to be on some psychtoropic. on top of all tso sore, cant move. headache. wish to God life was over agin, feeling like shit. sense of taste and smell all messed up. hypothalamus all fucked up agian.

I was wrong.

I was wrong. I can't walk away from a (I had hoped--"closed") medical issue. In the last half hour I have had the resurgence of the extreme fatigue and heat in my ankles--"virus download" or perhaps, something really odd IS wrong with the hypothalamus pituatry axis, and I can't figure it out. I just want to lay down and go to sleep, but I am determined to get up and do some thing. So very tired...,

Finally forced myself to sift through

Finally forced myself to sift through the medical literature on my symptomology. I knew there was a good reason I didn't want to do it. The more I read and realize, the more pissed I become. I am not suffering from some strange, weird syndrome caused by the alien virus/implants Broadly speaking, I am suffering from a routine disorder of the hypothalamic-pituatary-axis. Breaking it down further, there is excess amount of the hormone cortisol in my body which then results in a whole host of secondary and tertiary hormonal and chemical imbalances (including, I suspect, some of the brain neurotransmitters and mood). If I had to give a diagnosis, it would be familial Cushing's syndrome, which after years of medical abuse, mistreatment, and misdiagnosis, has resulted in a myriad of health issues, including, but not limited to, incipient diabetes mellitus (and all the related problems), diabetes insipidus, and possibly adrenal exhaustion. It is very possible that the alien virus/implants, (via the hypothalamus?) aggravate and stimulate the corticol hypersecretion, which is why I get so godawful sick every time a viral download starts (and of course, I know it immediately). I am not going to waste a whole of time on this--I've been pondering the symptomology for years. However, I am extremely disgusted because this should have been diagnosed YEARS ago, starting with the GP who I went to, complaining of abnormal weight gain. Instead, she looked at me like I was crazy (especially when I told her that I was OTC bovine thyroid), diagnosed me with bipolar, which led to the lithium poisoning and the brain damage. In retrospect, I can see now my alternative health remedies were the only things that kept me from overwhelming illness and organ failure/damage. I'm just amazed and furious that a store clerk in a health food store could see that I had adrenal stress ("red-hot adrenals") and "something going on with your brain stem" over five years ago, and these doctors who have been forcefeeding me these psychotropic drugs for years now, who spent years memorizing overwhelming amounts of factoids didn't have a clue. Why is the educational system geared toward the marginalization of intuitive healers like her, while people who are rote memory learners and regurgitators are rewarded with the premium professional status offered by our society? (This is not just a problem in the medical field--this is a problem with our entire educational system, and I observed it in the Humanities field as well). All the medical suffering, weight gain, and damage I have endured over the last 5-6 years were completely unnecessary. They were the result of medical professionals who were arrogantly confident in their snap dignosis (or in a diagnosis made by a fellow MD-and maybe especially if he flashed a badge bearing security agency credentials), who didn't know how to listen to, and dialogue with their patients, who don't know how to listen to their own intuitive faculty (if they ever had one, and who treat the body like a thing instead of as a living mophomogenetic field.

Well, I think the worst is over, and this is it. I am not going to spend anymore time thinking about it, pondering over it, and reading medical textbooks full of facts that my lithium-fried brain can no longer remember. I'm angry and sorry that, with only a couple of exceptions (in my optic nerve problems), I had to spend so many years dealing with my illness with practically no help or support from the medical field, when really I had a fairly commonplace condition. But one of my big strengths is the ability to just close the door, let it all go, roll it off my shoulders, and that is what I am going to do. I can't get back the lost years, or my once strong and healthy body (though with a little luck and a lot of effort, I might be able to lose some of the 60 pounds I have put on since I first approached Dr. Thal, asking for help with abnormal metabolism and weight gain, and instead got put on pound-a-day lithium). I know I need to find a good doctor (good alternative healers are plentiful--they are very good at listening and since I am articulate and knowledgable, it is an easy relationship) to help monitor and support me. While I think that I am currently seeing a doctor who listens and is intuitive, I am on state Medicaid, which severely curtails my access to medical care (hard to get an appointment), and which may be completely eliminated soon (no $$$). That is okay. Right now I am on an upward healing curve, and I just want to stabilize, detox heavy metals, and soon (not right now), get to a place where I can begin a serious exercise and diet regimen again. In the meantime, with this burden of ill health, and sense of "I have to figure this out all on my own" gone, I need to turn my attention and efforts to a field which falls more into my skill-knowledge set and interest. Over. Done. Finito. Wasted years. Wrecked body. But I cannot change the past, only the future.

Addendum: I realize that really my medical research is not over. The whole thrust of the alien agenda involves changing human DNA and creating an autistic population of the future (and all the problems that entails). Medical knowledge and research will continue to be necessary. I need help with that, for I am not an instinctive and strong scientific or medical person, and it is very frustrating to me that I cannot retain medical knowledge in my head, like I can other types of knowledge, but have to continually refresh the brain pages. If I were a strong medical person, I think that I would would have diagnosed my own condition years ago. I remember how Laurie tried to get me to "feel" my own lymphatic system, but the truth is, that while I have an intuitive understanding of what to do, I can't really control or follow through with confident accuracy. Well, none of us are perfect. I will just have to continue to plug along. I just am glad and grateful that finally I am feeling better.