The first thing I did was check my post

The first thing I did was check my post from yesterday--to make sure it wasn't tampered with, and to see if it needed editing. Computer and blogging technology is great in the sense that you can share your thoughts immediately, but it makes for sloppy presentation and grammatical errors. I am not anal about my grammar but I really should do a better, if only brief, editing job before posting. I have really "light" hands on the keyboard and a few of the strokes just don't take. I bought a new keyboard, but still have the same problem.
I woke up today feeling mentally alert and emotionally ready for the first time in a few days. The drugs that have had me waking up hating life for the past several days were cleared from my system. I suspect that those same drugs were the ones responsible not only for my severe insomnia, but also for my highly paranoid reaction yesterday. So now Iam forcefed a new drug!!!At least this one doesn't have me groaning and hating life before I even get out of bed. This is the one (of course, I recognize it, having endured it multiple times before) that puts tremendous pressure on my head, the "claws in the head", or "torture cap" syndrome. I recognized it for the first time about five years ago, when I was still relatively healthy and was walking from the library to my truck when a cloudburst erupted over my head. I went to sprint to my truck (yep, this was years ago), but was nearly dropped by the agonizing, crippling pain that the brief physical exertion caused in my head. That is what I woke up with this morning--the crippling "claws" vised around my head. Oh, and the optic nerve, seriously swollen and impacted by all that excess pressure. Still I feel better, more capable of getting up and doing things, than I did under the hating life, dragged down feeling of the last few days. So I am going to get up and clean my house before it gets hot. I also have to get in a yoga class (been about a week--wanted to go to one, but the "dragging down" energy of the last few days overruled my best intention (it is always so hard for me to get up and go to something unless I have an established routine and right now, I don't have a yoga routine). I also need to set up a personal regimen of "shaking" (courtesy of Dahn yoga). This is very helpful for me--I think it gets the "stuck" lymphatic fluids moving, clears out my congested occipital area and brain stem area, and leaves me feeling brighter and clearer. But again, I just need to do it. But first things, first. Clean house before it gets to hot, or I get slapped with another psychotropic drug that leaves me barely functional.

A lot went on yesterday

A lot went on yesterday both in my hometown of ABQ and in my personal life. There was a multiple murder at a workplace near the AFB, and it was nagging at me all day--is this yet another instance of "mind-controlled," "Illuminati", "satanic" victims being mind manipulated and "used" to go off on a rampage. It has been happening for years, much more frequently than people realize. It is done for the purposes and aims of the dark side conspiracy, with one everpresent objective-- the terrorization of the American public (following their most well known theorist--the author of Mein Kampf), and the inflammation of public opinion against the Second Amendment (tyrants fear an armed citizenry). However, there are usually secondary and tertiary objectives as well. One indisputable truth about the dark side strategists, planners, and shot-callers. They are extremely efficient and optimally organized in their agendas. I truly believe that they use computers to help them maximize the negative impact of their decisions. I think part of the dark overlord "sentience" may not be organic at all, but purely machine--a theory for another time. There is no doubt in my mind though, that they have had access to seminally advanced computers for decades. (Another interesting thing going on--the hit job being done to Apple/iphone/Steve Jobs right now. I won't digress on what I think may be be behind that, and the decades of outrageous and unregulated unfairness dealt to Jobs/Apple's truly superior technology and OS by forces geared more towards profit and self-enrichment than human technological advancement). So, knowing how well-planned and efficient the dark side is, I was edgy all day. The mind really began clicking however, when I heard a radio announcer state, "the Emcore tragedy will cause major problems with Kirtland AFB traffic." That was a significant clue. One thing about mind-controlled victims--they often are affiliated with the military, and the fact that Emcore was so close to the AFB immediately led me to believe that they had major DOD contracts, and thus this was an "Illuminati" hit. (Sure enough,when I checked it, they had a "DARPA" contract. DARPA is one of the scariest of all the military's tentacles. So then I started worrying about what I had done earlier in the day--sending flowers to Dr. Huaman who no longer wants to see me as a patient, but who, by far and away, is the only doctor in the last several years, who I believe actually listens to me. It was her who tried to get me to see an endocrinologist, but the goddamned Mr. PIBS wouldn't allow me to get proper medical evaluation and treatment, so that I suffered needlessly for years, from Cushing's syndrome, excessive weight gain, and heavy metal poisoning. The flowers were both a gesture of sincere gratitude and appreciation, and a line thrown out to see if there was any interest. Then I realized that the unusual, daily crush of emails I had received from proflowers in the past 3 or 4 days, and the recent im contact from Augusta (or someone using her screen name), may have been a complete setup, in the hopes of entrapping me, getting me to send flowers to Augusta, and getting some (scared-by-the-Emcore tragedy) judge to throw the book at me, afraid that I might be a psychotic stalker capable of terrible domestic violence. Another interesting tidbit I just recognized--2 "unknown" phone calls made to my cell, one at 9:40 am, 10 minutes after the shooting, and the other in the evening. Because I am so lackadaisical about answering my phone, I didn't even notice it until late in the evening. This is the first time I have had a call from "unknown" (when the caller blocks the #), in over a year. So then, I do the natural thing, and attempt to call the number back to see if I had missed an important phone call. Fortunately for me, my cell won't let me dial back an unknown phone number, or I may have been entrapped again by an unwitting phone call to Augusta. So, with all these thoughts and suspicions percolating in my head, I immediately moved to cover myself. My attorney is no longer in her office, so I went directly to the dr's office and left a note stating my intention and approximate words (I was afraid that someone would swap the flower's accompanying note, replacing it with something lewd, scary or inappropriate). I talked with Dale later (the more cover I have the better). Of course, I get the feeling that she thinks I am just being overboard paranoid, but you know what? It is this paranoia that has kept me alive and out of jail. I have dodged or recognized so many bullets directed at me or this country by heeding that inner voice of alarm, that, you betcha, I am going to act on it whenever I hear it. If it makes me appear a little flaky or paranoid, so be it.
I am surprised that there has been hardly any coverage of this incident. This in and of itself is strange. It took over 12 hours for ABQ police to release the man's name (long enough to scrub the Internet), and I still haven't seen a photo. I can immediately identify the autistic face set and stare, and the blank eyes of the mind-controlled. That's how I knew that the Huntsville NASA shooter and the Austin IRS plane bomber were mind control victims (then later I learned he had major DOD contracts as well). I don't spend a lot of time trying to probe the motivations of these terrorism acts, except to add them into my mind's folder of yet one more successful Nazi terrorist act (and oh America, please alert all civil servants, law enforcement officers, and teachers to be on HYPERVIGILANCE on April 20th. The PIB's know that hip people are aware of what a charged date Hitler's birthday is, but his followers can't help but venerate their fallen patron saint, and 4/20 tragedies keep occuring--the most recent one, the space beam attack on the BP well. So the Nazis are alive and well, downright flourishing in America, and I am nearly helpless before their machinations. I guess it is to my benefit that they think I am a great Aryan saint who will lead the racists to victory (otherwise I would have been murdered long ago). Maybe they are correct and I am indeed an incarnation from the Aryan world, but I cannot support haters, EVER, UNDER ANY CONDITION, and (I saw one last night), Aryans are not merely prejudiced or a little bit racist--they are fullblown psychotic haters, and I can "feel" it, can recognize it when I see it. They have the kind of hate that can say--"You--to the ovens", and "you--dig the graves"; they have the kind of hate that sucks all the life and positive energy out of a room (and its not just the Aryans--I saw the leader of the "New Black Panther" party on "Geraldo", and he was a full blown, life destroying hater too--while the baton-wielding-at-the-polls black guy he was defending was just a "rudy-poo" racist, an insecure, weakling schmuck--but racial hatred and intimidation from all sides needs to be addressed and confronted, and I am not so sure that the administration did its job on that issue. There are negative forces looking to exploit such vulnerabilities and injustices to start a race war, and so far, in all honesty, the Nazis have a pretty good showing on the scorecard (let's not forget the Twin Towers and 3000 dead), though the good guys are mounting a great comeback. As for me, I am just hanging in there. The good news is that I am feeling better, as the heavy metals detox, but I still have serious energy issues. Also, I am really struggling to sleep at night. I got to bed at 5:30 in the morning. I firmly believe that the purpose of the drugs that I am given at night is to create a kind of insomniac schizophrenia so that the channelers (whether Nazi security agents or genuine ET's can access my mind. I resist but the toll is significant. But I just got to keep plugging on, and praying to God to protect me, my health or the shreds of my (puny, 1984-ish) freedom.

Wish I were drug free

Wish I were drug free. I continue to detox the heavy metals, but I still drag all the time---on depakote i think, but maybe something else. it makes it so hard to sleep, so hard to wake up, and so hard to get up and moving. Everything is just so much harder. On top of that, the drugs are causing serious pressure on my optic nerve. I can tell. I truly believe that my optic nerve was getting better, but whatever psychotropic drug I'm on is putting tremendous pressure on the eye. But whatever happens, happens. I am not undergoing surgery and I no longer am under opthamological care as my doctor is pissed off at me. I really like her, and consider her to be the only dr. I can trust, but like everyone else in my life she is under tremendous pressure to maintain the lie while the religiuosu right continues to wait for me to be a celibate saint. Fuckers don't get it. Timelines change. Healthy people adjust. I am not the same person I am in other timelines. I need help, a partner, an intimate in order to live my life and vocation to the fullest. Of course, right now, I would settle to just be drug free. The mindhas plans but my energy is just leeched out of me like a vampire by these psychotropic drugs. I got to get up and do some things. Life is so damned hard.

Another morning I wake up groaning

Another morning I wake up groaning--groaning from feeling so bad, like shit. After a nite in which I had to take multiple pills and alcohol to sleep because my cdentral nervous system was jolted awake every three or four minutes, I think all my suffering may just be caused by psychotropic drugs. Ive been here before, God knows ive been here before, dozens of times. ive spent countless nites unable to sleep, in a blasted mental psychotic alienation state, while every few minutes a brain rush jolting my entire nervous system/body woke me up. ive woke up groaning so many times, wishing to God i could just sleep rather than get up and face a hell day in an unresponsvie drugged up body. ive woke up with muscle and joints spasming, my eyes frozen, wishing to God i could sleep because i feel so bad that it is better to escape reality than live in it. i ve seen the same old shit in my eyes before. litany could go on and on. nothing i can do about it but record it. too sick to do anything of value or effort. it is going to be another day wheni cant do anything but watch tv and pray for death.

Abducted again?

Abducted again? So drugged up can barely ove. wish i could just sleep. but too sick to stay awake or sleep. in kind of twilite zone. in additojn to mental drugging body hurts spasms in body, where joints are, knee hurts (the one that is a sign of my lack of emtoional support), and my feet hurt. bottom of soles--means somthing is going on with organs. lots of toxins. mental dragging reminds me of the aftermath of abduction. when thefuckers dont want me to remember.there was a european space agency encounter with an asteroid. I am leaning toward "the feeling bad" having to do with asteroid/planet x/nibiru/evil alien space station having a deleterious effect when it is able to influence earth due to astrological influence. scary that the eurpeans are in charge of it. as scared as i am about nasa and american nazis, the europeans scare me more. I know that there is a much deeper amorality and lack of spirituality there than in this country originally founded by religious refugees. At least here we have people of the moral fiber to fight evil, and the will and gumption to do it. just hard to fight when dont know what is oging on, and knee hurts cause no support. wanna sleep go back to bed . read a lil first.
PS dr. Huaman would bevery upset with my optic nerve. whatever drugs i am on is putting so much pressure on eye that my right eye literally isnt able to see properly. nothing i can do about it. im not getting any more fucking nazi implants and waking up to find im so autisic i cant talk at all.
PPS--constantly bathed in sweat and hot flashing. i quit wearing my crucifix so much because i did not want it soaking in sweat. but maybe i should wear it (for protection) and just wash it every day. just tired of being so sticky hot all the time.

Same old slave merrygoround

Same old slave merrygoround. After one day of feeling almos human, and having plans wo twake up this morning and hit thground running, instead i wake up so fucked up on psychotropic drugs that i wont even be able to surf the web. People's faces look like grimacing cartoon caricatures, whether its a grinning steroid fat face like Leborn James (dont know if the steroids are natural or illegal but hes certainly got it) or an alcohol and tear ravaged face like Lindsey Lohan. When I cant see faces except as caricatures or menacig threats Im on something serious. i knew i was on something seriouc this morning, woke up groaning again. Knew too last nite that i didnt dream, or dreams were unreachable. dreams important to me. it is how God talks to me, body talks to me figure everythin out. I wonder if im on deapakeot. deapakote messes up ability to dream. had sazame problem nite before last. woke u feeling like shit. emotionally dead (couldnt listen to music--had no meaning, no feeling) but i got out of it. not going to be abl to get out of this. ive learned over years that my body has aslow reaction to al ot of drugs. i canpersever for a while but sooner or later it cumulates makes me too sick. anyhow i could be full of rage at this, another lost da, another j piece of shit pib md poisoning me with shit. too sickto even be angry. just sickend by the waste of it all. today will be a totally worhtless day. I cant read in this state, noteven the internet (yesterdcay i was "tlantic" magaizeine all impressed by my ability to understand words. now i cant even do add surfing fo the web. cant do ANYTHING i had planeed--haircut, gym workout, truck speaders. all i can do when im this fucked up is watch tv. eyes hurt too much to keep open

Feeling worse

Feeling worse even though my intellect recognizes that healing is going on. I have said for years that I am autistic and that I struggled every day of my life in me teens and early 20's to successfully overcome the autism. Unfortunaely, all my hard work was overturned and undermined by the medical and government abuseI have suffered for so long. So now, I am suffering from heavy metal poisoning (caused by the govt agents trying to "make" me autistic, when I was born that way! Instead they have made me very very sick. Sick in every which way. Sick with constant headaches, and a "high" kind of feeling that makes it hard to relate to reality. Sick with constant digestive issues. Sick in the muscles and joints of my body so that I can no longer run, walk (without the "Rain Man kind of jerkiness with my quad muscles all locked), exercise, or even do yoga without great effort, sick in my emotional life as I find it harder and harder to relate to others as I wish, and sick in my psyche as I am getting stuck in obsessive compulsive loops. No I am not in a good place at all. I tell myself, "force yourself to get out of this rut<" but I am so tired of all my efforts just bringing down more abuse and higher levels of poisoning, and even further autism, that it is hard to motivate myself to do much at all. May be tomorrow. Try to sleep again with this shit all in my body keeping me awake.