Pain

Well, so much for my "good" weekend as I got slammed by dope and pain again.  I am in pain as I speak, with my left leg all spasmed up and tight from the overdose of whatever psychotropic drug got in my system on Sunday night, leaving me in agonizing pain for Sunday and Monday nights.  I have had to take major dope to even sleep for the last two night, but my left leg and hip and sciatica are still messed up.  I'm tempted to quit work today.  Maybe I will.  These bastards think they are going to set me up for a mental hospital stint.  Wrong.  I think they overestimate my intention to cooperate anymore with them.  The only "carrot" they had to motivate me--Augusta--has left me, and I have nothing left to inspire any desire for cooperation on my part.  It is too hard to write when I am in such pain.  The pain drives out any ability to make rational coherent sense.  I am tired of being in pain--no, I am tired of these motherfuckers causing me pain.  I hurt too bad to continue--

3-day weekend

A good weekend so far, as I try to determine what actions to take regarding work.  It is  clear to me that I am not healthy at all.  I went for a little 2 mile roundtrip hike yesterday, and I could barely complete it, with the help of a walking stick.  My legs just seem so heavy that I can hardly lift them.  I am reminded of how I could barely walk a mile for nearly two years, after my back injury.  It is the very same feeling, although this time it may be caused by drugs.   The speed they gave me last week caused intense and agonizing muscle spasms in my left leg, and for two days I could hardly lift my leg.  Now my sciatica is messed up on my left buttock, and I am in constant pain from that. My left leg continues to be numb and ultra sensitive to touch.   My problems have always been with my right sciatica, but now, the dope has created another long lasting structural problem with back pain.  These damned doctors don't realize the destructive potential of drugs.  They think a little bit of speed can't hurt me because I am hyperactive, but drugs always have negative consequences.  When I think of how many kids they have put on Ritalin, I want to weep.  They are destroying the full potential of their minds before they even attain adulthood.  My mind is no longer quite right either. I am experiencing "brain shifts" where my mood is altered, especially when I am fatigued.  I can literally feel the chemical shift taking place.  If  I were on the drugs, I would blame them, but I just think all the drugs they gave me are still floating around, wreaking havoc with my brain cells.  Either that, or the drugs caused permanent structural change in my brain cells, so that I will never be quite right again.  I cannot concentrate for long without coming down with bad headaches.  This happens both at work, and at leisure (I came down with a bad headache after about three hours of intensive reading this morning).  The good news is that they are not migraines, and if I just lay down and rest and shut my eyes a bit, they subside, but still I am tired of having headaches all the time.  The irony is, that before they force fed me lithium and speed and serontonin, my ability to concentrate for hours at a time was unusually powerful and intense.  Now I can't bear to do it for any longer than a couple or three hours.  Then there are the problems with language and memory--true, it is not as bad as it was, but I no longer have the command of language that I once did, and I find myself groping in the dark for words that I once could "see" clearly with lightning fast, micro-second speed.  My brain no longer relates to, and controls language in the way that it once did, and I am seriously diminished.  But I remind myself of Debbie P and her brain injury, which left her seriously deprived of her once prodigious genius, and how I realized through prayer, that it could be a gift if she could accept it.  I will never again have the verbal command and virtuosity that I once did, but I have to accept it.  Right now though, all I feel is the  grief and the pain and the loss.  So these are all reasons why I tell myself I need to take some time off and heal.  There are also good reasons against it, so I continue to think and pray.  Fortunately, I am not doped up, so at least I can....

Migraines

I woke up with a migraine--3rd day in a row.  It doesn't help that the Fiornal I took last night had some kind of weird psychotropic substance added that completely undermined any benefit to its analgesic properties, and led me to take a Flexiril to even get to sleep.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I can't live with this kind of pain.  It all started with a heavy dollop of speed which left all my muscles spasming, and even today, three days later, I can hardly walk, because the severe muscle spasms in my legs have left the leg sore and the nerve endings inflammed and supersensitive to even a brief touch).  I know from my dreams that I am moving out of my body.  I don't move out of my body because I'm neurotic or psychotic.  I move out of my body because I am in severe pain, and all the medication I take to help me deal with the pain is tampered with, and not working.  I have more on this I want to speak on, but I have to go to work.  One more day, and then I can try to recuperate.  In the meantime, I have to deal with this pain....

depressed

Aug 20th,  My sense of depression is getting deeper and deeper since I started taking the Diamox.  I still haven't definitively determined if they have been tampered with or if it just natural.  But I know that I cannot continue feeling like this.  My eyes have not yet gotten that unrecognizable, "nobody's home" look, but I have lost all my energy and vitality.  I can barely drag myself to work, and when I come home all I want to do is sleep or watch TV---no sense of iniative, of creativity, whatsoever.  I think I know what I want to say but I have no ability to stick with writing.  Part of the depression is that I can't think or write.  All I know is I can't stand feeling this way.  My spirit is feeling trapped within my flesh as I am unable to take any action. Today is a day of rest.  I'm just going to spend all day in bed trying to get over

Another wasted weekend

The doping continues.  Saturday, the truck got sprayed with something that left me severely depressed and out of it.  Sunday--I have to blame myself.  I really feel like I need to take the Diamox for swollen optic nerves and Dr. Huaman concurred, but I  can't find any medicine that is not tampered with.   So this morning, just as an experiment, I took one of the tampered Diamox.  It left me sick in bed all morning with strange brain rushes in the back of my head and muscle convulsions and facial tics.  I felt better once I drank some alcohol, but this day is a goner--absolutely unable to do anything, except lay in bed and sleep. When is this misery going to end?  I've got a lot on my mind, but I'm too tired.  I need to sleep....

wasted day; wasted weekend;wasted year

Aug 6th, 2006

It is 2 pm and I haven't been able to get up and motivate myself to do anything.  Of course, it doesn't help when you wake at 4:30 in the morning with a pounding migraine and nausea--7th day in a row, now, that I have suffered.  I'm sick on the NSA's drugs.  I still can't determine if its some kind of anti-depressant or just something to make me feel high and sick (so I will think I'm crazy or paranoid or whatever).  In any case, the drugs definitely are undermining my ability to function.  I can't take care of business--even routine things like sweeping the floor or grocery shopping.  I just want to lie in bed and sleep or cry or fight the nausea.

 I nearly got creamed by a car when I ran a red light earlier today.  My mind wasn't even looking at the light.  I was coccooned from reality, in my private, seratoniinzed Idaho.  It was the second day in a row that I ran a red light.  I ran one yesterday at Montgomery and San Mateo, which I know to be the most dangerous intersection in the city.  But again, I was in a zombie state, and totally unaware that I was flagrantly running a red light until I saw opposing traffic coming my way (all of this happens in weird slow motion, and I seem totally disconnected from the reality of the situation).  But today, I nearly got creamed, and that was a wakeup call.  I don't want to be at fault in an accident that messes up someone's car and possibly their body for life.  Even moreso, I don't want to be in this state I'm in any longer.  I'm tired of feeling alienated from my own body and spirit, of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the image I see staring back at me.  I have started to have fantasies of slashing myself again---I want so badly to escape this hateful feeling of alienation and soullessness.  I recognize that this has been going on for a while.  I haven't been able to pray since last Tuesday.  At the end of yoga, I couldn't meditate.  Instead, I nearly fell asleep (if indeed I didn't).  Thursday I was too sick to go to yoga, but again on Saturday morning, I couldn't meditate.  Instead I experienced that horrible, ersatz blackness of alienation that no doubt all the serotonin addicts mistake for contemplation.  That is not contemplation.  Contemplation involves the individual will and active spirit, and that is what chemicals deprive you of.  There is no  actively passive striving for the presence of God; there is just the presence of a black pit where there is no feeling, no spirit, and most certainly no divine presence. It's a variation of "religious experience"through substance intoxication (in this case, legalized chemicals)---phony and worthless, except to compare it with the real thing.  I've had religious experience in my life that individual instances of ersatz prayer does not disturb me.  But being alienated from reality through these same chemicals does disturb me.  I remember how much I empathized with the homeless alcoholics when I was strung out on the psychtropic drugs before.  That is because I was just like them--totally alienated from my own body and self by chemicals, just a zombie moving in reality, but not participating in it.  It is truly scary to realize the power that governmental agencies now have to complete the most devastating of all torture--the rape of the mind.  Well, as poor as my health is, I will take steps to save myself.  Thanks to my torturers, my eyesight is ruined, my knees are enfeebled, and my body is stiff and dysfunctional, but I will take the steps necessary to preserve my spirit, to get back into a place where I can talk to God.  I'm not feeling too good today, but I've got to keep moving, no matter how hard.

Feeling down

8/5/06---Feeling down over my continuing poor health.  I fought migraines all day today---for the fifth day in a row, thanks to the drugs they sprayed in my truck.  I'm beginning to wonder if I am being given drugs that specifically cause migraines.  I'm fairly certain that the psychotropic drugs that I have been given over the last few days are some variant of hallucinogens.  I just feel overwhelmed.  My knees are stiff with an arthritis that I never felt before, and I feel that I have lost my energy and vitality.  I no longer like who I am.  I hate what the NSA has turned me into.  There is a much better way to facilitate healing than through lies, manipulation and involuntary doping.  Another day, I will fight back....but not today.  Exhausted.