fucked up again

fucked up again so much drugs in system nonfuctional. head heavy with fluid. worse of all is pain in leg and knee. poor knees are constantly swollen with edema. read a story of satanic rite last nite. recognize that satans minions (you know the primary ones monitoring and reading this) are desperate to get me in their camp. no fucki g way. of course, the socalled Christians are satanic too. Anyuone who tries to create conversion or mind set by pain and suffering against one will are of the devil, and they can go to hell. around me I see people who really love and supprt one another (in public) and u know those are the people of genuine spirit, not anyone of opus dei, sli, or any of ratzies crowd. i long for the day when I had someone who trulyloved me, and yeh, it has been years. maybe someday i can love and be loved again. right now im just in pain, worriedd as hell about the swine flu and pissed at the realization that the same sick bastardsa that have made my life a living hell r murdering again--how many, Lord. wait and see. have to deal with my pain.

From bad to worse

From bad to worse. definite psychotropic drugs. unable to function all day. in severe pain. i realize now that i am supposed to be. I am undergoing torture and what is torture without pain. i am taking last temazapam. not ony insomnia but tpain is driving me out of my mind, but not into support for the evil papacy or the evil political powers that would use me. 21 horses dead. does anyone in america connect the dots anymore. what kind of pathological monster does that. the same kind as tortures a hapless innocent victim like me. the men may be bitter enemies but they all have the same agenda and aims.

Miserable and depressed

Miserable and depressed--familiar refrain, go to bed hating life, and wake up hating life. I don't know if I am on some kind of psychotropic that has me so fucking depressed and angry all the time, or if this is just the byproduct of being in constant pain, having no energy or no ability to concentrate. On top of everything else, I fear I am close to losing two of the three things in life that, while not providing happiness or joy, at least can make me forget misery for a while. Sometimes, that is. I am trying to write a letter to the people who keep dogging my yoga class and instructor, but thanks to the goddamned opus dei and nwo assholes, I have lost the ability to compose letters and essays in my head. I have never written a rough draft in my life. I always write things out in my head and it just flows to paper. But I have lost all ability to "see" things in my head, and now, writing is no longer a flowing joy. Just the thought of it is more goddamned depression. Fucking work, and I can't keep ideas or thoughts or paragrahs or images in my head. I can't cut, copy and paste words in my head like I did for the first 42 years of my life. Congration fuckers. I'm fucking worthless. nothing to do but watch tv and see how the fucking assholes have screwed us over and are preparing to lead the rest of the nation to the same fate that is now mine--SLAVERY. I am just sick over the loss of my biweekly yoga class.

Woke up depressed

Woke up depressed this morning, miserably drugged up as always, wondering if I am ever am going to feel human again. Last nite I dreamed that I was likely infected with cadium, barium, and radium. I am certain that I am suffering from long term barium poisoning. I havent had a chance to look at the other two to verify for sure. Don't think I will do it right now either. I am in too much pain from muscle spasms caused by the drugging. I wish people could have some idea of what it is to be in non stop chronic pain all the time, and the feeling of frustration that comes when it is imposed on me as a slave owner onto a slavc. It seems to me that my enslaved life keep getting bounced from one jurisdiction to another--political to spiritual. I guess that what I identify as faction 3, which is the evil political/economic cohorts in league with occultic powers, have written me off, and now Opus Dei is back in my life playing games. I guess they don't believe me when I say that Ratzinger is just as evil as the political powrs who play games with my life. I guess they don't believe me when I say that I will have no part of a patriarchal faithless Church and agenda--and opus dei operatives spraying me with drugss or zapping me with emf pulses are prime examples and representatives of faithless patriarchy. I guess they don't believe me when I say I will not be happy until I can mate with a person of the same gender. I can't help what lies and delusions people choose to believe. Because the entire world seems to be mesmerized by the illusory spell cast by the evil one--whether you call it "dogma" or "nlp" or whatever, I guess my ability to see through illusions set me apart, and makes me a high value target. There are people who I root for, who I pray for, who I know not only have my well being, but all of humanity's well being at heart. Unfortunately, all those individuals are eclipsed right now. All I can do is hope that someday, things change. Other than that, I can only pray for death. For the miserable, pain-wracked, drugged up life I lead day after day is no life at all.

Congratulation pos's

Pain is a 9 of 10. figured out what is problem with knees. edema. swelled up like a half tennis ball on the top of kneecaps. cant stamd. camt walk. cant bend knee. pain in all joints shoulders ribs lower back butnot too bad in fingers. i hope this edema doesnt trash my knees. who gives a fuck. maybe i should just be in weheel chair resto of my life. migraine symptomology again. on psychotropic that causes the dry migraine. back is fucked fucked fucked. i havent been to dales class in over a week, and her class is a big reason-67%, the other 33% is teri, why my back stays in shape. am worried that df wants to fire her. i will be fucked if they do. had some sweet sub who just didnt have that yin yang, andrygonous fully human energy like dale and teri--way too much feminine, soft, and gentle. no challeng. also the class was barely over an hour. i need the hour and half classes to fully stretch. it doesnt matter. i a.lready am planninf ofr the worst. too sick to care about yoga anyway. i hope to go tomorrow. dont know if i can not if i cant walk. to bed heating pad. pain pills and God have mercy IHS--a sign I stand under if the corrupt, fraudulent imposter thug I voted for wont. I guess symbolism matters to me after all. I thought i would be happy if he just shucked and grinned and dressed snappy for gq and essence. i was wrong.

I can't even stand up straight

I can't even stand up straight--my musculo-skeletal system is so messed up. My knees can't stand any weight on them--they are messed up as part of the overall problem. Last night I learned about knee pain, as I had shooting pains going thru my knees. Now my body knows--DON"T WALK and DON'T STAND UP STRAIGHT. To be honest, all i want to do is crawl on all fours, but I keep trying to walk. Can't feel my lower legs at all. I keep looking for work but don't know how i am capable of working when i cant even walk.

Swollen

Swollen ankles, swollen belly, a swollen esophagus (reminds me of the consequence of trying to take alpha lipoic acid for neuropathic legs). My legs are dead again, but not to the painful level of swollen nerve damage that occurs when this swollennes continues for more than a day. I will try to walk later but I have to admit that it is getting harder and harder to exercise when I am in such constant pain and misery. I just finised a Malachi Martin novel which confirmed a suspision that I have had for a while--Pope John Paul II suffered from psychotropic drugging--and heavy metal poisoning and psychotronic brain implants (no doubt Ratzinger was the official Vatican liason at the time) ever since his hospitalization after the attempted murder. Why is that important? First of all, I always remember how JP2 literally shrunk as a aman and vital force--the goddamned psychotropic drugs cause Parkinsonian symptoms and destruction of the body. I have to fight against that, as surely as I fight against the inability to enter the contemplative state and talk with God, and not some goddamned voice to skull technology, in order to maintain spiritual integrity. I have 2 advantages JP2 did not--I am not a patriarchal male who is out of contact with my body--I "know" what is happening to me and can rage, however ineffectually against it. I am able to put faces and names to the "unspeakable evil that has infected the highest levels of global economic power, political office, and institutional religion (not just the Vatican, but I also think of the Archbishop of Canterbury who is a complete fool, though not evil on the magnitude of Ratzinger).