Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. How can a person suffer as much pain as I do, neverending. whole left leg from the sacrum to the foot is one big throb, with heat rising from all part of body. I never had problems with leg sid of body until implants in place and now it is the bad side, not right side, the indjured side. so fucked up cant hold head up. cant lift arms even o hold a glass of water. arms so fucked up that i cant hold my body in pushup positon. today last day of gym membership. as the last two times. i so fucked up i cant even work out. just walk out. waste of money for gas. waste of money for gym , glad i wont be wasting any more money on a gym that i no longer enjoyooworking out is nothing but sheer hell fro me. saying that i dont know how much longer i can function without geting the back glutes some relife. i cant work out gaining weight. too sick to care. just want the pain to en.

Dreams that my house is full of cockroaches

Dreams that my house is full of cockroaches--a dream I only get when I am forcefed psychotropics. that is the unconscious. consciously, i am so full of despair as to not give a fuck anymore. pray for death to release me from neverending hell. fantasize about it. beginning to think i might as well spend my days in psychiatric hospital till i die. i have no other life. completely out of control of my own body which every day becomes more hateful and painfilled, debilitated to the point that i might as well have some muscl destroying disease like cerebral palsy. my arms r so weak i can no longer hold my own weight up. of course, my weight gets higher and higher as i can no longer work out or even walk. my fucking slave masters monitor everything i read and watch on internet, sometims cutting me off in mid view. i dont care. the ultimate slave master, has been crowned president of the world and gives his brilliantly cheesy, and utterly false smile over everything. its getting to the point i have no hope no joy no purpose no desire--just for death. God, I want to die, i dont want to be in this hateful, implanted miserable alienated body anymnore.

Well good feeling didnt last long

Well good feeling didnt last long--my little feline friend is gone--no doubt spirited away by the Inquisitors who can't bear that I have a little happiness in life (oh, who knows--maybe they are actually humanitarian and didn't want to see the poor little thing suffer from the same drugged up shit and emf mind control manipulation that drives me mad--and I'm pretty goddamnhed strong. I'll never forget the look of outrage on the NSA man's face who visited with the police in Rio Rancho, when I suggested that he feed the dog the drugged meat that I was supposed to eat. He actually had more sympathy that the dog didn't suffer the level of poisoning that he was overseeing with me. Nothing surprising tho--the Nazis, and psychotics the world over have more sympathy for animals than humans). when I For the drugs have started up again--the same fucking headache and ddull feeling, the inability to think or carry a thought or for that matter, even feel. Mom called and I tried to be upbeat for her sake but the truth is I was faking it, lying, which is what I do som much now, as I try to pretend that I have some hope. Truth is, I don't. I realize that I have high level government operatives and politicos milking me for whatever info they can get out of me while they keep me drugged and demoralized. It's incredibly assinine if they think I don't realize what is going on--the truth is I am a level deeper than many of them which is why I know that Catholic ultra-conservatives (fascist religious zealtots) are responsible for much of what I suffer (which is why I still dream of SLI calling the shots, whereas they ceded over the reins of their goddamned Inquisition that they initiated to much higher ups and more sophisticates, a long time ago), while the politicos use me, then leaving me hanging in the wind, so the fucking fanatics can have their illusion of a saint that will save them. Dream on opus dei . Nothing I can d o but hold on to some sense of humanity that is completely denied me. Don't feel good. All fucked up on drugs. Noone to share my life and thoughts not even a little kitty.

A small little kitty

A small little kitty is making itself at home in my place. I like animals, and miss having one, but, as I tell myself I am in no place to have a pet. For one thing, it's unbearable for me, a 210 pound human, to live in this drug-infested, emf-manipulated space--how can a small kitty do it? But the poor thing has had a hard life, and my f---ed up place must seem pretty nice to it. Anyway, I tried to kick it out and block the open "kitty door" in my screen, but it got around the block. I ardently prayed to God last night to "please take care of that poor kitty" and this morning I found it on my futon, so I guess God answered the prayer. Like me, the poor thing is badly abused and scarred, but just wants, and is receptive to, love.

I am feeling a little better after being fucked up all day yesterday. I still am not alright, but compared to yesterday, I am much better. Dreams last night indicate that the Spiritual Life Institute, that stupidass Dave Denny is still behind my suffering. Another dream that told me via the unconscious (believe me, consciously I figured this out over a dozen years ago) how sick and wounded Denny is, and how he attempts to heal himself by projecting his neediness onto me--which would be bearable if I could be free to be me, but like so many wounded men, the only way he knows how to admit a need of woman is to dominate and deny woman's freedom of personhood. It doesn't matter to me anymore. These fuckers don't understand. When I told him over a dozen years ago, that if the abuse kept up, I would disassociate myself from him and his community. I meant it. Since I dropped off those library books on a rainy night, I have been completely and irrevocably disassociated from the SLI. However, the abuse continuted, and a few years later, I told a Catholic priest that if the abuse continued, I would disassociate myself from the Catholic community, and I meant it. They threw me in jail for six months on farcical charges where I endured a new level of abuse. That was it for me. I am not Catholic, and when I die, I will do so under the auspices of the Episcopal Church. It doesn't matter to these Inquistors though, for the abuse continues, and continues, and continues. I have spent years of my life suffering from forced drugs, and even three weeks in a psychiatric hospital, and to my utter amazement, these fuckers still think some kind of "conversion" is going to overthrow nearly fifteen years of the most profound physical (yesterday and last night was just the latest episode, (now numbering in the thousands), psychological, and spiritual, unbearably painful abuse. You fuckers have stolen over 14 years of my life, caused unimaginable suffering, and I will not have ANYTHING to do with you. EVER. You goddamned, sick patriarchs are part of the problem, not the solution, and I am interested in a solution. My dreams corroborate this. Dreamed last night that Dave Denny was blind, with his eyes gouged out. I know what this means, and I also know that I cannot help him with this, for his whole ideological position, as a privileged patriarch in the Roman Catholic clergy prevents him from relating to the feminine from a position of vulnerability, but only dominance, and his dominating, (non-consenting, on my part) abuse (God, I could spend pages describing the unrelenting abuse I have endured from this fucker and his stupidass patriarchal allies)that I have suffered at his hands has led to permanent alienation on my part. I knew years ago, that it was time to leave, when I dreamed that he was imprisoning me, and I understood that he was imprisoning me because he had imprisoned his own anima, as per patriarchal male psychic protocol. Whatever compassion I once had for his own psychological blindness and stupidity has been erased by years of the heinous abuse I have suffered at this pig's hands. Of course, it is not all him. Ratzinger (who had a spider crawling all over his robes in Prague--get smart, Catholics--your Pope is an anti-Christ, and his power tripping (with the Muslims) is going to result in the complete destruction of the Vatican--the greatest repository of human intellectual and artistic achievement on the planet, even if is rank with hypocritical sin of the highest order.
As for me, my path lies on a completely different trajectory, and God willing, I will be free to live my life as free daughter of God, again, and will find someone who is humble and receptive enough to understand what my true psychological and spiritual needs are, and have enough courage to reach out and share my life. Until that day I can only endure.

t

Mind totally fried

Mind totally fried on psychotropics--dont know what, lithium or resperidol. All I know is i am completely unable to think, read, concentrate, or understand what is spoken to me. helped landlady with a neighbors stuck door and she read me a letter. shemight as well as read chinese. coulnt folow, couldnt understand a word said. Yesterday the mind was able to think but i couldnt handle the intensity of it. i desperately need someonme to talk to re my ideas, someone to intimately share my life and bounce off ideas. Yesterday i felt human and realized ihow lonely and incomplete and unrealized i am as a single. today i dont give a fuck. today there is nothing to share,, my mind is totally dead. i cant even string together my dream from last nite. i remember the images and they are all there but my brain is so fried i cant connect them all into one everything fragmented disconnected. good news there will be no reading or thinking intensity to day. just watch football. could barely even cook the pot of beans and cornebread i had planned. very svery sick, too sick to do anything. dont care. just worry about my fucking weight..

Massive headaches all day today

Massive headaches all day today--to the point that I am autistic and miserable. I try so hard to keep my head clear by shaking, but the more sshaking I do the more poison is put in my system. I can tellby how much my lower back arches, in reaction, trying to get away from the poison, and also by the muscle spasms in every muscle in my body from bicepts and wrist joints to ribs and shoulders. Too sick to do any yoga, tried to do a lil bike riding but too sick to do for long. This level of chronic, never ending paain is not sustainable. At least right now i am not crying and sobbing in pain--maybe later

Bad day

Bad day--do I have any good any ones anymore? I guess some days are just better than others. Got my computer back after the virus toasted it. Everything gone--notes--I should have printed them out b--music, bookmarks pictures, etc. Maybe I should save everything on aol in the future--their server should keep things safe. Body is in a lot of pain, so much pain it hurts to breathe--all my muscles are spasming, back belly, ribs shoulders, but trying to push thru pain to get my computer to an acceptable place. tired of lways being in pain.