sick sick sicker.

Sept.30,2010--I've got a weak wifi signal in my home so maybe I will post this after writing. Having a really hard time. Last nite was a nite from hell as I was up nearly all nite with a migraine and sick stomach, and the very same is happening again. I lost my wallet at the library today with about seventy dollars, my id, checkbook, and credit card. Had to spend part of afternoon dealing with all the problems. I could get angry at the thief, but I know it was my fault because I am 3walking around so drugged up that I am barely in reality. not focussed or engaged in life at all. Just faking it. Tonite is lining up to be another nite from hell. so very sick. Head has broken out in pimples and boils, no doub from all the forced hormonal changes. For I am losing muscle at such an accelerated rate, I know that the Pibs hav e to force feeding me hormones and chemicals to turn my body from its strong healthy vigor into a fat slug. My body no longer feels like it belongs to me at all. It is dr. Mengele's, and I cant wait until I can set up a a cosmetic masectomy to get rid of the freakish man boobs that are in the wrong place, now that the goddamned aryan butchers destroyed my God given frame. Instead of being centered, they are on the edges of the torso with breast fat extending under my arms. I will never find a bra with cups so unnaturally placed. Even now I have to wear the large size bras that I no longer fill out, because the cup fitting bras cannot reach the unnatural placement of the boobs on my nazi altered chest. Looking freakish is only the half of it. I literally cannot move my arms without running int0o interference from my own body. they dont belong to me. they are not mine, and I want to see nothing there but two small scars. I tried to bandage then down and flatten them so that they would stay out of the way, but i am no good at that kind of thing. I just them gone. So I am just fucking miserable trying to live in a body that no longer belongs to me, an inch shorter, much fatter, with my arms not able to move freelyh. On top of all that, my head is breaking out in pimples and boils from all the hormonal and chemical shit being forced down my ody..

But the body problems dont even bbegin to compare to the mind problems. Im so sick Im not funcional, which is how i ended up losing my wallet. House is a terrible mess,k but i am too sick to care. Walk around with sick headache, eyes barely open too see. Have so much to read, so much to think thru. but that is impossible in this state. I wanted to help out in the Denish campaign for governor. She is a politician of immense integrity (as far as politicians and power and money brokering goes), and it makes me sick every time I hear another sleaze ad put out by her opponent's Big Oil coffers. I am not an ideologue. I recognize and respect a candidate of quality and caliber even when I completely disagree with them. Such is the case with Joe Miller, the Tea Party candidate from Alaska. I would never vote for him but if I lived in
alaska and he won, I would know that my political representative would be a true professional and person of character, even if I disagreed and fought with him tooth and nail. I cannot say the same for some of these other clowns that the Tea Party is endorsing. It is scary, and I, for one, would be intensely uncomfortable with a know-nothing (not ONE of her ads have been substantive), big money, ass kisser running our state, whose only strength seems to be the proven Rovian tactic of spending outlandish sums of money on misleading, mudslinging ads. So I really did want to help out with the Denish campaign, and thought of volunteering 12 hours a week doing simple things, nothing too challenging, (though I am pretty good at talking politics on my feet). But who was I kidding? I can barely get up and move around my house. I am so drugged up that anyone who encounters me has to think I am seriously mentally ill. I have so many things I want to do that I can't do. Like clean my house. I just am tired of beig isolated. I would like to talk to people on a regular basis. But again, when I am this sick, it is too hard to talk to other people. My mom told me to get a cat, but I thought of that years ago, and discarded the idea because it would not be fair to an animal to live in a home where the air is full of drugging chemicals and the whole house is wired with magnetic coils to force the body's mental frequencies to reasonate high enough to go astral planing or shape shift. Not only that, I woulent be surprised if the house was being bombarded b y ELF waves to keep me depressed, mentally sluggish, and barely fucntioninjg, while the PIB's work at enslaving me for good. No, as muchas I would love to have a pet, I could not subject them to the hell that is my life.

As for me, time to try to go to bed. brain is rushing once more in the jolts that keep me awake so i am going to have to drug up. Im so hot. I cant believe the heat that is emanating from my body. My room is in the fifties and i am so hot. hope i can sleep . at least better than I did last nite.

Part II will have to wait

Sept 28, 10—Part II will have to wait. Very very sick again. Severe migraine pain with the implants shooting pain through my head. I feel as though my brain stem is shutting down once again. After working out yesterday for the first time in weeks, back is completely jacked up again. Couldn’t help it. I am so tired of seeing my body just turn to lard. But now it is the sick headaches and the hot flashes that are getting me. It is is the fifties outside and I have the AC and swamp cooler blasting away to try to get rid of the sick hot flashes and dry off the sweat breaking out all over my body and face. I know that the PIB’s are making sure I don’t write anymore. They know that I am 95% there, and even if I never did a bit more of research I could outline the whole sad, sorry history of reptilian domination. I do like to be sure of myself before spouting off. Still if I had someone to talk to, I would spill the beans. It is just so hard to writ e when I am so sick. Give a big hint. Aryans (apostate, occultic Jews?) went to Britain and Ireland back in the BC era. British monarchy totally subjugated to reptilians and has been for centureis. For that matter, nearly all of European royalty and ancient “noble” families are subjugated to the reptiliansIt is on the web. Just have to look for it. As for me, I am going to bed with pain meds. Fantasize that someone loves me and holds me and cares for me and try to sleep. If I die before I wake, blessings on all my children….

Woke up, but still very sick and woozy. Have to get up and go, because there my fridge and cupboards are bare of all essential foodstuffs. So I will stop and post this, check email, and grocery shop. I know the Reptilians/PIBs don’t want me writing any further on the true history of the human race. Too sick to fight today. When it is time, God will give me the strength. Now I just have to fight the back pain, sick migraines, and depression as I look at my body turning to fat right before my eyes—including places where I have never been fat before—my back, my chest, under my arms, even the flesh on top of my pubic bone is developing extra layers of fat. I can reach down and grasp flesh in a fistful that before was never there. Then there is the transformation of all my muscle in places like my biceps and calves. Despite the constant lifting of weights, I can’t stop the transformation of my body from that of a fat man to a fat woman. It is a metabolic change that all the exercise in the world won’t reverse. Disgusting, gross, as I see all the fat just accumulating in places it never was before. Nothing I can do about it. I hate being in my own body, but as far as the Reptiles/Aryans are concerned, I am just an egg donor and anima projection template for false religion. My real self, my real body has no purpose for them whatsoever. I just need to feel better. Don’t know if it is ever going to happen, certainly not anytime soon.

Rothiethereptile Part 1 of a multi-part series--stay tuned.

It's been a while since I wrote. I have not been in good health as the PIB's have done drastic changes to my body via interdimensional surgery (that is, while I sleep), and the changes while highly beneficial to the reptilian agenda and dna changes, have caused intense physical pain and emotional suffering to me. But what is on my mind must be said and must be posted. I still do not have an internet connection, but have bought a lttle mini netbook with wi-fi. I knew that the PIB's would be able to hack into my computer as long as i was in wifi range, but I did not expect that they would be able to create and take over an entire administrator account, but they did, probably while I was in the MRI scanner. In hopes of some privacy, I have turned off the wifi and ethernet in the windows device manager as well as disabling it in the BIOS. I currently am typing on Notepad in safe mode. I hope that such measures are enough to prevent the most sophisticated security agents in the world from hacking into this entry, because I cannot post it until tomorrow afternoon, and I don't want the evil sons of bitches to know what happened until it is already on the internet.

I have tried to stay on top of what is happening by scheduling an extra therapy session, but insights are coming so fast that I would have to be seen everyday to vent and communicate the horrors that I am realizing and experiencing in my own body. Let's see, the readers of my blog probably know that I have been castrated in interdimensional surgery. You may not know that even further surgery was done last week in which a set of ribs may have been removed at my breast bone, or if not, at least a whole node of nerve ganglia, which I think connected tohe nervous system and the brain to my heart. Since that time, I have not been able to feel with the normal intensity that I normally do, nor can I cry (and I am a "bawler"). It is as if a big black hole has opened up in my chest, and it is so painful that I can't "feel." All my emotions just get stuck there, and there is no release or relief from my emotional pain and suffering.

But that was not the worst of it. Reflecting on Ratzinger's trip to Scotland, my inner voice led me to understand that the Reptiles and their PIB agents actually had an least one ovum of mine, and were planning to fertilize it with another man's sperm to produce a son, which would then be groomed and molded into an anti-Christ figure. (More on what I think transpired on this trip later). This method of fertilization woud be different of course, from the mode of conception of my other progeny which were basically cloned, using advanced genetic techniques to separate, mix and change up, various genes from my own singular DNA.. I don't think the Reptiles/PIB's are too happy about the results--I just get the feeling that my offspring are cussed independents and fighters for the Good, just as is their mom. And I want you all to know that I am so proud of you all, even if I can't relate or communicate to, or with you all in a normal way. I'm too pressed to do so, and right now I am pressed to relate my insights of the last few days.

PINDAR. Who is Pindar? That has been the primary thought on my mind the last few days, as I tried to figure out who was the man tapped to be the sperm donor of my unborn child. I first learned of Pindar years ago in my early years of web surfing. The name literally means "penis of the lizard king" and Pindar is supposed to be the head of the Reptiles/Illuminati families here on Earth, really the single most powerful man in the West, while he operates through all the puppet leaders which democracies and political parties elect and/or appoint. Because all the research and commentary about this guy were so nebulous, I did not really pay much attention, until the interview which Ickes conducted with Arizona Wilder, the former Aryan slave. Even though she was clearly mind traumatized and fragile at the time of the interview, Arizona Wilder's insights have proven more true than a lot more brilliant minds in better and safer places. She is as honest as she can be, and every single thinking person on this planet needs to watch that interview to understand the horrors of the occultic evil which is running this world, from behind the scenes. Ms. Wilder was an Aryan slave whose job it was to call up the Reptiles from the 4th dimension into the 3rd. Her handler was "Guido" (Guy Rothschild), and when he died, she was able to find a small measure of freedom. Her interview,(because her words have proven honest and true, in ever single instance of being put to the test), is the most compelling proof I have encountered about the shapeshifting of reptilians into human bodies, and vice versa, most notably in her experience, of the British royal family. I have to say that I used to be one of those people who couldn't visualize the now deceased Queen Mother shape shifting into a reptille, and tried to figure out how this could happen in an imaginative, though real sense. I can now say that I was dead wrong, not only because of the insights of the past few days, but also because I can see with my own eyes, the visible facial changes taking place in my own body as the higher frequencies downloade into my brain and surround me in my home while I sleep. These downloads are forcing undeniable and inexorable DNA changes of ME, with the ultimate aim of turning me into a shapeshifting reptilian, and I am helpless to stop it. The worst is at night, and even now, I am staying up, dreading to enter the reptilian interdimensional space during my nightly sleep.

But getting back to Ms. Wilder, she spoke of the reptilian alpha male leader, "Pindar", who she stated was the real father of Prince William, not Prince Charles. I now know who Pindar is--Jacob Rothschild. I don't know why Ms. Wilder could give out Guido's name, and not that of his English cousin. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Guido's death released her from silence, but she is unable to turn on the living. But I have done independent research on my own, namely, looking at a lot of pictures and am 100% convinced Jacob Rothschild is not only Pindar, but indeed is the biological father of Prince William. Pull up photos of father and son, and look for the points of comparison. Prince William has his mouth, lips and wide smile. He has the same chin, and the same shape of the hooded eyes. He has the same hands (yes Prince Charles also has thick fingers but there is no other point of similarity at all). However the dead giveaway are the ears. Prince William has Rothschild ears--fleshy and heavy in the lower lobe. Not only are they similar to Jacob Rothchild, but most Rothschild photos I looked at had the same ear lobes--Guido, Charles, etc. They are not Prince Charles ears at all. Prince Wm even has J Rothschild's slight tilt of the head to the right.

Now I am not a royal watcher at all, and not being British, I really am not that concerned about Wm's paternal lineage, except that in the past few weeks, I have become suspicious that he is in line to be the next anti-Christ since I don't think his legal father will beat him to it. The Internet is filled with web pages and videos dedicated to the exploration and presentation of the thesis that Prince Charles or Prince Wm will be the next anti-Christ. Most offer legitimate and thoughtful points, so I have casually monitored the situation for years now, but they were a low level priority in the last couple of years as I have been pouring all my mental resources into fighting a would-be "American" (not!) anti-Christ. Over the last few years, I have also watched Charles shrink in the estimation of his own people, so that I don't think he will ever have any kind of significant (even "figurehead") power or respect. Meanwhile, I have been very pleased and a little surprised with what I saw of Diana's sons. I knew, no matter what her personal pecadillos and shortcomings, that she had been an outstanding, A+ mother during their childhood, and it showed, as I watched her sons mature into a strong, virile, but appropriately responsible manhood, despite the pressures of a "royal celebrity" lifestyle and all its temptations that could totally spoil and ruin a good youth.

So alarm bells started going off when superficial perusal of the mainstream internet provider websites revealed photos of a young man with the flashing angry-mean and cold eyes of the soulless psychotic. In a word, "Reptilian." What had happened? His eyes used to be so warm, open and gentle, loving of life and the people he encountered in his royal duties--his mother's son, thank God, and thankfully for Britain. From what I could tell, nothing had changed outwardly. He still is living the dutiful and responsible, but very pleasant life of a crown prince. He does seem to have a little bit of a rocky on again/off again relationship with his significant other, an apparently very sweet and sensible young woman from the upper class, but I would expect that, given the parameters, challenges and expectations of crown royal marriage. The only outward change that I could notice was that his jowls had become very heavy, as if fluid-filled. He does have the facial shape of his uncle Spencer, full and rectangular, but where did the heaviness of the jowls come from?

I found the answer looking in my own mirror one morning after a rough night, with heavy viral downloads and accelerated frequencies forcing themselves on me, to get me into the interdimensional realm. I recognized that I had the exact same heavy jowls as Prince William! Not only that, but I realized tha, after 48 years, my eyelid physiological structure was literally changing to become hooded, in the exact same manner as evil, satanic, and Reptilian DNA-altered victims do. I also am losing my eyelashes. Now I haven't had time to look to see if young William's eyelids have changed from boyhood. He clearly has developed hooded eyes and no eyelashes, exactly as his father, Jacob Rothschild, but to what extent that his congenital and how much is DNA alteration, I will let someone else explore. I can say this. Reptilians are not born; they are made--even the purest of the Reptilian line needs the viral downloads and higher frequencies to become an evil Reptilian shape shifter. I don't think the young prince is there yet, but I expect the transformation to be fairly rapid. Unlike me, whose body resisted the viral downloads for years, because of my own physiological idiosyncrasies, autism, and heavy metal poisoning (the viral downloads require the presence of heavy metals), he has a strong, healthy, TALL body that can take immense amounts of the virus, even during the day (when he is photographed), while with me, it only happens at night, and it can only happen now, after years of abuse and serious interdimensional structural surgery. I also expect that they did the same surgery to the young prince that they did to me--removing nerve ganglia from the heart to the nervous system--diminishing his innate and mother-nurtured capacity to feel. What I do feel, upon awakening, besides the neverending sick migraine headaches and deep depression, after a night in interdimensional reptilian reality where I am regularly sexually and bodily abused and violated, is rage. I am not angry at anything in the 3rd dimensional world. I am furious at the abuse I cannot stop. But I have years of prayer and discipline and the spiritual encounter of being deeply loved to help guide me and prevent me from acting on the evil that is becoming more and more habitated to my physical body now that the viral downloads have strengthened. How can a young man without that kind of preparation withstand that kind of viral onslaught without becoming not only a reptilian shapeshifter, but also without developing the soulless, cold heart of the reptiles. He can't.

more september schit

Sept 18
Torture. Only word for the hell ive experienced at hands of aryans. So sick today, so very awful goddamned sick, agony cannot be imagined. My stomach is totally blocked and undigesting. I ate toast with roast beef for breakfast but it made me sick and nauseaus like light supper last nite. Belly completely shut down. I realize my whole belly is dead zone but worst is the stomach which is in such terrible pain. Since the toast I have tried to it two almolds a couple of times to see if stomach could accept any food. Cant. Made me nauseaus severely. Worst goddamned headache. Inabilty to fucntion. Trying to eat tiny bites of banana. Jaws are so locked with whatever drug they are on, can barely open mouth, very difficult to chew Abanana. Worried abut dehydratoin . drank about a pint of water today in small sips. Every time I take a swallow, I get sick, nauseaus and gassy. How can I have gas on an empty stomach? All for what—so the focking goddamned aryan pigs get their saint for the mind control religion they wish to foist on humanity and another human cpu for their overlords ships and time travel. Over and over agin I try to tell people what is up. Right now too sick to do anything but document my torture. Someday God I have to be free of this hell and the blonde boys who patrol it. Death would be so welcome. As it is I have to tyr to sleep with goddamned berain rushes . took a tylenol pm. Hope belly can digest it. Just want to sleep and die. One thing I know for sure—ending up in aryan dimension will lead to nothing but physical rape and even more degrading slavery. Wish for death. Wish for death. Goin to try to go to sleep listening to jimmy buffett, a man who knew how to enjoy life and fantasize about making love to a beautiful woman (I know my lesbianism drives the soulless aryan pigs crazy. They despise all love and sexuality. They just want to suction off all the energy that is generated by the love. Tough. Unlike the aryans I know what holiness and love is about, and celibacy has nothing to do with fullness of life as Jesus lived it or as I live it, and it is only the memory of being loved and the hope of loving a partner again that keeps me alive, and makes me open to the love that I see around me, leading to healing.

Sept 19—risperdol, I think. Got the sick headaches, the unable to keep eyes open, bear any stimuli thing going on. Got the muscle locks and spasms. Back and hips hurt so bad, but worse is my jaw joints. They are so locked I have to shove food between parted lips , cant open and close. I can eat again. Stomach still hurts a lot, but it is no longer completely closed off. Severe emotional and pshyusical agony. I lay down in fantasy world, more real and accessible than real one which is full of pain, agony, and muscle cramps. My legs are having a lot of nerve pain from the implants. EVERYTHING HURTS. Wanted to take a shower and change clothes for first time in three days. But as soon as I stood up, I knew taking shower impossible. Body is too heavy to hold itself up. Too hard to hold back up in chair anymore. Bye. How long this agony God. Someone please break my legs…..i already cant walk don’t need them anymore. Oh, forgot. Suffering from same brain rushes and anxiety attacks. Think they r anxiety attacks. Become breathless. But then all physical exertion makes me breathless. Climing basement stairs had me so winded as if I had just done hundred yard dash. Too sick to care about everything. Want to take shower but too sick.

Realized goddamned dr mengele did major surgery during my nightly abduction a couple nites ago—I think they maybe literally removed a set of ribs. I had told dale that the stupidass nazi frankenstein doctors did all kinds of horrific medical experimentation and torture on me without even bothering to investigate the basics—like vitamin deficiencies? Like hormonal irregularities? Like extra organs appropriate to a chromosomal XY male? Like an XY male skeletal structure? I don’t know why I say this XXXX because they just turn and use it against me. I definitely had major surgery. Left my stomach all fuccked upp and closed off. Now I am just sore and sick everywhere. I think they removed it from upper body, breastbone area. I started noticing how deflated my fat-inflated boobs felt. You just don’t lose that much weight all at once. Nothing the goddamned frankenaryan drs do has a health or salutary benefit. Now I ve got to try to go sleep with massive sick headaches, and paain that literally makes me want to smash my stools thru the windows, and scream and curse at top of lungs. Tired of being treated like an experimental lab rat ( the goddamned nazis think they are homo-soulless while we homo sapiens are demi-humans). I don’t like who I am anymore. I hate my body. I hate the constant pain and suffering. I hate being a prisoner of Mengele and his goddaamn inhuman aryans. I hate going to sleep knowing that these evil spirits will abduct me and torture me again. I hate waking up in the same sick, helpless, miserable, pain-wracked body. Does this schit ever end?

very very sick

So sick that i am not going to be able to do my three hrs web sufing. might get one hour. spent all morning hot flashing and sleeping. drove 4 miles to library cuz tomorrow the open library is 8 miles. dont think ill make it. for two days now, eating has made me sick. barely able to eat. ate tortilla chiken and bell pepper last nite, toast with roast beef this morning, and both times got really sick with nausea and stomach pain. dont think im going to be able to eat tonite at all.if i do, it will be a protein smothie, but dont know if i can even do that. i feel so dehydrated but it hurt s to even drink small sips of water. wondering if it is the thyroid meds yanked again, but with the chills and hot flashes i got, i wonder if i have got an infection in stomach. im so hot all the time impossible to tell if im feverish. mri is wed nite. got to hold on. till then. driving is terrible. worse than autistic. it is almost as if i am hallucinating that cars are coming into my oncoming lane. no way im driving to tr tomorrow. too sick to really surf web. hope all is well in world. certainly not with me.

hanging in there, not very well

Sept 14—excruciating agony. Woke up with both arms numb and semiparalyzed. Don’t know if it is because back neck are so wracked with pain. All I know is that I am in excruciating pain. Took another vicodin tho I know they are tainted with heavy metal. Have to. Cant stand the pain. Very worried , know that at this point im not capable of taking care of myself. Very hard to shower , dress, havent cooked a meal in days. I am hungry. Last meal I ate was a slice of pizza bout four oclock. But don’t have lunch meat and too sick to cook. House is a mess. Entire back locking up on me. Cant walk at all. Have mri scheduled for thenty third==not able to bend head to use number keys. Nine days awayl. Don’t think I can survive that long.
Previous entry was written at about 3 in the morning. I woke up, no doubt after another abduction. The aryans are getting more clever about their nightly injections of viruses into my brain. I feel so bad all the time anymore that I haven’t been doing my morning check. But I got my hair cut today, and the stylist noticed how hot my head was near the forehead, but nowhere else. Sure enough, I checked carefully and felt the telltale bump on the left anterior side, about three inches from my forehead hairline and very close to the corpus callusom (Im too damn to look it up) midline of the brain. I also had another fresh bump—a rather large one, about silver dollar sized, on the right rear side of my brain—again close to the corpus callusom midline at about the 4o’clock position. Normally, I would take pride in pulling out my anatomy book, and identifying the precise names and locations, but I am so sick right now that I am on auto pilot. I just am doing what I absolutely have to do. I did get my trash out, ate a decent supper of salad and pork chop, ogt my hair cut, and did two hours of web surfing. For me, this is a good day. The only continuing downside is the lower tailbone back pain. I cant sit. I cant stand. Even laying down it hurts.. I’ve got Vicodin but it is tainted with heavy metals, and sends me screaming in pain. My God, am I going to have suffer this kind of pain the rest of my life?

Sept 16—So full of rage—want to scream, curse, throw things, slash arms.. I hate my body. I hate my existence. So focking depressing to look at or feel my body. It is turning to pure fat. Losing all my muscle. It has been so long since I have been able to do any exercise at all. Dont know if exercise can ever make my body healthy and toned again.. not able to even try.

9.12.10—God help me. Only hope is in God. Focking Aryans have further wrecked and botched my beautiful God-given body. I’m not sure what they did, but they have completely messed up my nerves in my sacrum and belly, and further removed whatever testicular tissue I had left, leaving me an energy-less shell of a human being—a eunuch. I cannot bear my own body. I touch it, and I don’t even recognize it. Gone is the taut muscle tone, leaving nothing but soft slug-fat. I’ve never ever fancied women who have soft, flaccid bodies. Now, I am a eunuch with a soft flaccid body. I am not a woman, nor will I ever be. My gender identity has gone from having a truly great secret of which I was proud to being a big, fat, demonstrative lie which I hate and am ashamed.

They have done something to my urinary tract so that on the toilet, I am peeing all over myself like a rolled over dog pleading submission, and I am constantly damp and wet in my panties for I have developed an incontinence and am continually leaking. And then there is the horrible, gagging smell—the smell of my own urine has become so bad that I cant stand it. I can’t stand the smell of my own body. I don’t know what I smell like, but its not me. I guess I should be grateful I can pee, for I can’t XXXX. Bowel movements have become endurance challenges, as I struggle to get the muscle tone to move. I’ve gone from a normal 2 bowel movements in the morning to 4 or 5 tiny spurts a day, and all the time feeling like I’m constipated.

I went to the hospital to try to get relief from the pain, and saw one of the goddamned Aryan pieces of schit that is responsible for my torment. More on that later. Understanding the Aryan is like understanding Satan—they are one of humanity’s (and certainly mine) greatest enemies, and they deserve a full treatment which I am too focked up to give right now, but believe me you soulless, asshole Aryan, I got your image fixed in my mind, and I will write on it. Apart from seeing one of the goddamned Aryans (always good to see the enemy—gives you an image to focus on, when you pray to God to deliver vengeance), it was a wasted trip. I am in back pain, as I have never been in before, and I am afraid that I am going to suffer from severe, incurable back pain for the rest of my life.

Mentally and emotionally, I am in a very bad place. I can barely walk, and have zero energy. I am certain at this point that I am sick and tired of pretending to be a woman that I am not. I know that I cannot have a gender change operation at this point, because of my finances, but I am convinced that as soon as possible, I will proceed with massive testosterone injections, and see what kind of gender change I can go thru. I always said that being a 5”0” tall male was ridiculous, but living in this soft, flaccid body as a 5’0” eunuch is worse..

September 13,2010—Energy level is slowly coming back, meaning that I can do something more than sit and cry. Pain though, is never ending. Worst of all, I can not even sit—and I have to sit to type and surf, so you can imagine my misery. I see no relief from this never ending pain. They have really messed up my body. Haave become severely autistic again. Walk around with eyes half shut because I cant stand stimuli. But the worst of it is the pain. Pain overrides all other thought. In severe pain in lower back. Nausea and severe hot flashes. Breaking out in terrible sweats--hate my bodily reality. hate it. sick as i can be.
Dreamed last nite that I could break a code of numbers, fibonnaci numbers, I think, in my dreeam. It was a ten digit code. I don’t know how I could break a matematical code. I have never excelled at math, even though I am good with numbers and arithmatic. But in my dream I was confident I could break it. Got so much I want to write and research, but this pain and autistic migraine is totally draining all my energy,.