My enemies are growing more desperate as I grow stronger and become more self-aware, and thus increasingly able to thwart the hidden mind control weapons that they have used on my unwitting consciousness for years, now. They have no reason to feel cheated or surprised by my actions. They thought they "owned" me, that I was their slave; since they are slaves themselves, they just think that is the way that people are recruited into satanic community. At every step of the way, however, I have insisted that I am free, and I WORKED to gain and prove my freedom, which mostly has been a journey of discovering what gave these cruel, sadistic people and beings power over me. Well, learning th truth has been a process, which really is the only way for it to have been revealed, because if it had all come to me in one great revelatory shot, when I began this trip, well, I just wouldn't have believed it, and neither would have anyone else. No, the lies that obscure and surround not only my life, but our true history and true reality are so profound, outrageous, and even deeply evil, that they needed to be peeled back one layer at a time.
Knowledge may be power, but it is not freedom. I know so much more now, but I still am unable to fully cut free of the stranglehold that the KaBal has placed in multiple rings around my neck, beginning with the genetic manipulation and overturning of my own DNA and gender, while still an embryo. I am making another bid for freedom though, which really has angered them--that, and my recent coup in obtaining specialized food for my newborn Asian son. They were going to try coerce me into cooperation with their agenda, by the threat of his starvation, but someone (who in my dream, I saw as "Mr. Worf"--hope that doesn't offend him), helped me get the nutrients my interdimensional son needed. I am profoundly grateful to whomever "Mr. Worf" is. It was a good omen, a glimmering of response to what has been my hope and realization for years now--that I am never going to free myself from this KaBal slavery by myself, but will need help from others, a community, to do so.
I have kept saying it for years now, as well, that the KaBal can only control us, by separating us, by fostering fear of the "other", and then creating and maintaining artificial distinction between different groups of beings, when really we are all One. Predators need to be separated from the vulnerable, but other than that, we should all be happy and respectful of differences and free choice of self identity to live life as one sees fit. Instead, the KaBal has created a slave mentality in which too many are oppressed, enslaved, and fearful of the consequences of standing up for the rights, not only of themselves, but also of others. Yet it is only through such cooperation that beings for the Good can defeat beings of the Lie.
We must stick up for the rights of each other, because they will threaten and even kill innocent bystanders to get back at the strong resistor, who can fight back against them. That is what happened, yesterday. The KaBal, specifically the White supremacists or racists, who are huge players in the KaBal alliance, were furious with me and my choices, so I believe that they murdered Rodney King, as a symbolic gesture against me. Not only did he have an apropos surname, but he was an icon of victimization and successful (non-violent) resistance to forces of oppression. This is the second time that I have encountered the symbolism of a fallen "Black king". The first time was in my imagination, as I saw a fallen black king on a chess board, as the KaBal moved to make a huge MATRIX move against me. They have access to time line records as well. They know what a restoration of my original incarnational status of a strong, warrior Black man will mean for them and their future. That is why they set out to destroy that natural and foreseen future, while I still was in the womb, altering my gender and DNA, and creating an autism, which they hoped would cripple me permanently (the female gender is a strong vessel for containing a female soul, but to put a strong masculine soul in a female body is a set up for serious psychological and existential conflicts and lies). Then, they followed it up, with severely traumatic sexual and ritual abuse, including encounters with reptiles, cannibalism, and contact with a crystal skull.
I am sure that they would have preferred to just destroy my life from an early age, but even they know, that one cannot forestall or control prophecy that way. All that they could do was hope to turn me into their service. Now that they have failed, my situation becomes even more tenuous, although they continue with the same old, tired tricks. They flipped me again last night, or rather, they were able to flip the switch in my brain that gets me to self-identify as female. I am recognizing the changes though. When I am flipped to be female, I lose all my self-confidence, and become melancholic and fearful. Knowledge is power. Now, that I can recognize what is happening, I can fight back. However, knowledge still is not freedom--still working on that...
Monday, June 18, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Apparently, my son born yesterday is Asian,
Apparently, my son born yesterday is predominantly Asian and/or Mongoloid in DNA and appearance. I hope that lays to rest any doubts whatsoever about the complete racial inclusiveness of my identity and procreative vocation. True, I am not happy about the recent addition of a yellowish tinge to my skin, but that is because the change was forced on me by Merovingian KaBalists, without my consent. Those same KaBalists are the ones who want to use me for their agenda, and for some reason, (probably Maurice Strong's influence), they identify more with China than the West, and deny me the right to choose my own self-identity and claim my manhood, but rather want me to become the "Eve of a new Mongoloid 'superhuman', psychic race". That will NEVER happen.
First of all, I will not be used by any party, clique, KaBal, or faction that is interested in power mongering over others. Also, I don't feel that my vocation is limited to any national or regional interest, even though I can admit that being American, and raised in a culture of freedom and individuality, has been crucial to my personal development and emerging interdimensional identity. You have got to have a strong, freely chosen and affirmed (not stamped through socio-cultural repression and force of "law), sense of 3D identity, before you can move on to explore and affirm your identity in the interdimensional, 5D realm. China has massive numbers of super psychics, whose gifts they identify, nurture, and increase through rigorous training. However, they still are not on the forefront of the interdimensional world, and that is because their psychics, no matter how gifted, have never developed their own free individuality, and that lack cripples them fundamentally. If the entire world were unfree and repressed through evil authority, China would rule in the psychic world; however as long as the Patriots of the world are able to fight successfully for freedom and democracy, their longstanding authoritarian tradition, now in a "Communist" incarnation, will always weaken the outstanding giftedness of their psychics.
Secondly, as I insist, nearly every day on this blog. I AM NOT AN "EVE". I AM NOT A WOMAN. I don't know why PF can't get any respect as "Eve", when she really is the true mother of all our children. Could it possibly be because she has attained interdimensional status already, and thus has a much greater power over her personhood and gifts than I? Yes the alien, occult KaBal has control over her as well, but nowhere nearly as extensive or handicapping as they have over me. Nothing scares these KaBalist bastards like personal autonomy and power, and more than anything else, they hope to gain complete control over me, before I enter the fullness of an interdimensional identity. So, where are the Patriot interdimensional cliques? Shouldn't they be lined up, begging to come to the rescue and patronage of a gifted apprentice, who can only enhance their stature and prestige, once he comes into his own? Well, the answer is I think, that they have been so dominated by evil for so long, that they fear the strong and powerful good person, as much as they fear the strong and powerful evil forces that have dominated their lives for so long. The other day, I was being vetted by some Sirian clique, the "mountain ram" clique, I think, and as I was riding my bike, there was a gauntlet of young men--say, 6-8, along the bicycle path. Now, I know they were testing me, because the previous day, I had wrote about the sinister intimidation that Amon-RA types pull. Hell, they do it, individually--my neighbor Charles does it, when I refuse to fall for his suave pimp act. These young men were not sinister or intimidating in their very being, as are Amon RA types, but forming a gauntlet of over half a dozen young men, is an intimidating act of circumstance. Yes, I am confident enough to bike through it with a nod of a head, but the truth of this story, is that THEY are not confident enough to relate to me, on my own. Partly, there is sexism involved. I have always had an easier time with married men, than single men, because married men have taken the plunge past their fears and committed to relationship with the feminine, and thus come to realize that, in healthy and free relationship, the feminine has no more power over the masculine, than the masculine has over the feminine. However, single men have not yet forged their masculinity through relationship with the feminine, and thus they fear the strong female.
Now, they are interdimensional beings, and they should recognize that beyond the appearance of a female body, that I have a markedly masculine psyche and self-identity, but their fear is too strong, much stronger than mine, to get past this body, which really isn't mine, AT ALL. Maybe if I still had a hermaphroditic, buff and muscular body of a man, I would be able to get past their fears, but I don't think so. I think the personality of so many hybrids, born and bred as slaves, is just naturally fearful and timid of strong personal power, which is why they fear PF even more than they fear me. However, what they fear in me is potential, because only on occasion, do I exhibit my own personal power. However, one aspect of my power that they can control is my procreative ability, because everybody loves new life, a baby, and they are SO helpless, and so vulnerable to being controlled, and ENSLAVED. No one will accept, that my procreative ability is NOT a "personal" gift--rather, it is a partnership venture, with PF. I cannot produce babies on my own, nor do I want to, and I sure as hell will not allow aliens to create a monster child and place it in the uterus in my body. No, my procreative ability is born of a union of deep and mutual, spiritual love and respect, with my polar opposite, a woman who embodies the feminine principle, as much as I embody the masculine principle. The KaBal can force feed me all the drugs and hormones that it wants, but it cannot change the essential, bedrock, life-long inner identity of myself as MALE.
As a matter of fact, the ONLY way to get me to act productively, whether in making babies or fighting battles in the interdimensional realm, is to pump up my own masculine identity, which after years of being under severe assault by drugs, hormones, and evil mind control, is weaker now, than it was even a few years ago. You know why I make babies with PF? Because sex with her makes me feel like a man--I do not engage in sex with her, feeling like or identifying myself as a woman. I spent years in a lesbian relationship. I know how to make love, female body on female body (both my ex and I manifested the masculine principle--we could never have made babies), but for all our current openness to sexual experimentation, I cannot. It just doesn't feel right or good or natural to even initiate such sex behavior.
Part of the problem may be that the more the KaBal has alienated me from my own body, the more I identify with my Male identity. I have never felt less female or feminine in my entire life. As a matter of fact, I find myself weakly repulsed by the presence of the feminine in the MATRIX setup in which I find myself. It is not that I hate the feminine per se, but rather that I am trying desperately, as a besieged, unsupported, "adolescent" male, to separate myself from the feminine, so that I can LIVE my own life, my own identity. This is not a matter of psychological preference, but rather of psychological necessity. This is not about the presentation of a psyche and personality, but rather a struggle for the life of the very essence of my psyche and personality.
Now, the other thing that makes me feel like a man, or maybe I should say, validates my own inner being and truth, is making the world a safe place for my children. I am not a mother. I am not primarily an emotional and reflective nurturer for my children. My vocation, my purpose, my identity is fulfilled, when I do battle to make the world safer for my wife and children. That is why my most recent son is Asian. He was conceived the day that I took the battle to China. I do not mention every battle that I fight, but China had a really nefarious, sinister plan (one of many), to unleash an army of drones to destroy the Patriot forces--probably by destroying th Patriot facilities in Antartica. The only good thing that comes of being raped by the perverts of Faction 2/3, is that I can see deep into their mind when they do it. So, with that knowledge, I was able to help attack, in the interdimensional realm (of course this was alien, underground technology), the drones, which was why the air near Xian, China was filled with smoke for a couple of days. THAT is how a father shows his love for his children--by making the outside world a safer and more secure place, so that their own small world, presided over by the mother and supportive teachers, is undisturbed. Such masculine success is what feeds and inspires my own sense of self, and thus, my creativity, which is why the same day, PF and I conceived a little Asian boy. I had proved my manhood to myself by making Asia a little safer, and my son was the result of this surging, proud manhood. No manhood, no babies. Period.
Now, I know that Black psychics (some of whom are every bit as racist as Whites) are wondering why I don't produce more Black babies. The answer is simple--generally speaking, the Black community does not support my own manhood (nor honor and protect PF's womanhood), not personally and not in battle. Perhaps if I could fight to make Africa a safer place, things would be different. However, I know that so much of the battle in Africa is not conducive to my style of fighting, which uses remote viewing and interdimensional power. Rather, the fight for Africa, right now, is very much a 3D battle, with lots of foot soldiers and small weapons firepower. I always try to avoid killing sentient life, though there ARE enemy casualties, but rather I aim to destroy equipment and capability, on a grand level. I wish that I could do more for Africa. I want to help in the formation of what I see as a bright future; it is just that my current gifts, limited by my the handicaps forced upon me, by a lack of support for my own manhood, makes it a difficult theater for me in which to operate. African brothers, support my manhood, and you will get more Black babies, as well as a healthier, more prosperous Africa.
Right now, my primary support for manhood is PF, and since she is White, the overwhelming number of my children are White. It is not a healthy situation for a man to have his manhood validated solely by his woman. It DOES work in a remedial sense, and I know this, having worked in a prison, and counseling young men who had been raped (they would never admit it, but of course, everyone knew). The only real way to help them was to give them phone calls to their girlfriends, which I could see restored somewhat their battered and humiliated loss of self-esteem. Rape is more damaging to males than females, precisely because it destroys the sense of manhood, which in a man is so much more fragile than a female's sense of womanhood (sadly though, rape in women has become exacerbated by destroying their youthful beauty, or their reproductive capability, and THAT works to destroy a female's sense of womanhood). This truth is no doubt, why the KaBalists of Faction 2/3 have spent the last couple of years, raping me on a regular basis, in the interdimensional realm--it has all been designed to destroy my manhood, but I know there is no womanhood to replace it. All they can do is make me a crippled man, which to be honest, is their intent anyway. There is not a one of the Faction 2./3 crowd that I have seen that has any sense of manhood, whatsoever. They are all crippled by the serpent being that they have put in their bodies in order to gain occult power.
I do not want to be a crippled man. I want to be a strong, free and healthy man. Such is not possible right now in my current circumstance. I am not free to be me, and I am dependent on my woman as my sole support. I do not resent this, or blame her. I know I would be dead, both literally and figuratively, without her. However such an arrangement puts psychological stress and pressure on me AND us. Last night, I was pretty drugged up, not to mention that i had some KaBalist creep invading my personal body, without my consent, so I went to do meditation before going to sleep. It made me drowsy, so that I went to lay down on the living room floor, in which I lift my legs up on the sofa, to help ease my lower back. Now normally, this would not be an issue for me at all. There is an "X" pose in yoga, which I used to love doing, but no longer can, because, after years of being raped, I have become vulnerable and fearful for my own bodily integrity and presence. After meditation, I almost immediately went into the twilight zone, when PF made a sexual overture to me, but I didn't know it was her, and I immediately closed off in fear, thinking that I was under some kind of KaBal attack. Now, if PF were laying next to me, I would have no problem whatsoever, with her initiating sexual contact, but I am so traumatized by all the rape that I have endured, that this immediately closes me off, and makes me feel "female" again. (Oh, did I forget to mention that such is another truth my prison counseling experience taught me--raping a man, feminizes him--makes him weak, uncertain, passive, and at a loss for exercising personal boundaries. In a healthy female, rape does not have such a profound demoralizing effect, unless there are exacerbating circumstances--of course rape on women is much more common than people think--it is only the heinous, exacerbated rapes that comes to public consciousness).
So, this whole experience, let me to a dream last night, that I think reflects my current condition most accurately. I dreamed that I was expected to shower in a public shower, and even though there were men's showers, I knew that, being in a female body, it was best that I shower with the women. The only problem was that I could not bring myself to go into the shower with them. Now, I always have had a problem doing group showers with other women (playing sports, dorm settings, jail, etc). I don't want to see other women naked. I become sexually aroused, and I feel horrible and guilty, as if I am some peeping tom underneath the porch, looking up a girl's skirt. I have always known that, in a female locker room, I was a "wolf in sheep's clothing", and it deeply bothers my conscience, which always aims to be truthful and respectful. So, while the ladies showered, I waited outside, for everyone to leave, so I could go and shower on my own. Then a Black man came up, and wanted to ask a woman who was showering, if a teeny tiny tube top would fit her (I am wondering if this woman was symbolic of PF). I told him, "you can't go in there--there's naked women, in there. Let me". So, I went in, and held up the tiny tube top and asked if she could wear it, and she gave me a look, I would expect, for really the outfit was childish, and would never be comfortable for a mature woman at all.
So, I interpret this dream to mean, that outwardly, the female body I am in necessitates me to identify as female in a public area. Now keeping in mind, that my body has been turned from a masculine hermaphrodite to a fat, soft, mutilated female with huge boobs, and is not my body at all, but looks decidedly more female than what God gave me and what I lived with for nearly fifty years, and you can understand my dilemma. Over the years, many times when I have been zoned out in my imagination, or not paying attention, I would find myself entering the men's restroom. However my small town upbringing and heavy superego immediately lays shame and guilt on me, so that I am quite conditioned to believe that I should use the women's restroom, except that doesn't feel comfortable or right, either. All I can do, is remain strangely isolated, not really at home in public with males or females, and just wait until I find my own spot of privacy, since that is the only place I feel comfortable. Now, I am guessing, but I think the incident with the teeny tiny tube top, refers to the Black psychic community wanting to straitjacket PF, before agreeing to help me. That is not going to work. Like me, PF has her own very strong and very healthy, and HARD EARNED sense of identity and autonomy, and she could not, in truth to herself, sell that out. Furthermore, the only reason that we are able to make babies in partnership, is because we both are so strong in spirit. In telepathic or spiritual reproduction, it is essential that both the female and male partners be equally strong in spirit. That is the only way it works, and that is the way I like it.
I don't know what is going to happen. I know my life has to change. I cannot bear being surrounded and assaulted by these KaBal parasitical creeps anymore. I made a move, based on faith and hope, but only time will tell how things pan out. In the meantime, I just have to continue working at life.
PS--You know, I just had an insight--I don't think the sexual overture that I experienced last night was from PF. I was in the twilight zone and so my perception was confused. No doubt it was the KaBal, who once again, were able to play frequencies in my head, that imitate my own brain frequencies when I have sex with PF. This is how the scumbags are able to trick me in my sleep, and you wonder why I despise the pricks. YOU FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, MY BODY, AND MY SEX!!!! It makes life more difficult for me, because it inhibits my ability to have sex with PF, fearful that my brain waves and frequencies are being captured, so that the pigs are able to fool me in my sleep.
First of all, I will not be used by any party, clique, KaBal, or faction that is interested in power mongering over others. Also, I don't feel that my vocation is limited to any national or regional interest, even though I can admit that being American, and raised in a culture of freedom and individuality, has been crucial to my personal development and emerging interdimensional identity. You have got to have a strong, freely chosen and affirmed (not stamped through socio-cultural repression and force of "law), sense of 3D identity, before you can move on to explore and affirm your identity in the interdimensional, 5D realm. China has massive numbers of super psychics, whose gifts they identify, nurture, and increase through rigorous training. However, they still are not on the forefront of the interdimensional world, and that is because their psychics, no matter how gifted, have never developed their own free individuality, and that lack cripples them fundamentally. If the entire world were unfree and repressed through evil authority, China would rule in the psychic world; however as long as the Patriots of the world are able to fight successfully for freedom and democracy, their longstanding authoritarian tradition, now in a "Communist" incarnation, will always weaken the outstanding giftedness of their psychics.
Secondly, as I insist, nearly every day on this blog. I AM NOT AN "EVE". I AM NOT A WOMAN. I don't know why PF can't get any respect as "Eve", when she really is the true mother of all our children. Could it possibly be because she has attained interdimensional status already, and thus has a much greater power over her personhood and gifts than I? Yes the alien, occult KaBal has control over her as well, but nowhere nearly as extensive or handicapping as they have over me. Nothing scares these KaBalist bastards like personal autonomy and power, and more than anything else, they hope to gain complete control over me, before I enter the fullness of an interdimensional identity. So, where are the Patriot interdimensional cliques? Shouldn't they be lined up, begging to come to the rescue and patronage of a gifted apprentice, who can only enhance their stature and prestige, once he comes into his own? Well, the answer is I think, that they have been so dominated by evil for so long, that they fear the strong and powerful good person, as much as they fear the strong and powerful evil forces that have dominated their lives for so long. The other day, I was being vetted by some Sirian clique, the "mountain ram" clique, I think, and as I was riding my bike, there was a gauntlet of young men--say, 6-8, along the bicycle path. Now, I know they were testing me, because the previous day, I had wrote about the sinister intimidation that Amon-RA types pull. Hell, they do it, individually--my neighbor Charles does it, when I refuse to fall for his suave pimp act. These young men were not sinister or intimidating in their very being, as are Amon RA types, but forming a gauntlet of over half a dozen young men, is an intimidating act of circumstance. Yes, I am confident enough to bike through it with a nod of a head, but the truth of this story, is that THEY are not confident enough to relate to me, on my own. Partly, there is sexism involved. I have always had an easier time with married men, than single men, because married men have taken the plunge past their fears and committed to relationship with the feminine, and thus come to realize that, in healthy and free relationship, the feminine has no more power over the masculine, than the masculine has over the feminine. However, single men have not yet forged their masculinity through relationship with the feminine, and thus they fear the strong female.
Now, they are interdimensional beings, and they should recognize that beyond the appearance of a female body, that I have a markedly masculine psyche and self-identity, but their fear is too strong, much stronger than mine, to get past this body, which really isn't mine, AT ALL. Maybe if I still had a hermaphroditic, buff and muscular body of a man, I would be able to get past their fears, but I don't think so. I think the personality of so many hybrids, born and bred as slaves, is just naturally fearful and timid of strong personal power, which is why they fear PF even more than they fear me. However, what they fear in me is potential, because only on occasion, do I exhibit my own personal power. However, one aspect of my power that they can control is my procreative ability, because everybody loves new life, a baby, and they are SO helpless, and so vulnerable to being controlled, and ENSLAVED. No one will accept, that my procreative ability is NOT a "personal" gift--rather, it is a partnership venture, with PF. I cannot produce babies on my own, nor do I want to, and I sure as hell will not allow aliens to create a monster child and place it in the uterus in my body. No, my procreative ability is born of a union of deep and mutual, spiritual love and respect, with my polar opposite, a woman who embodies the feminine principle, as much as I embody the masculine principle. The KaBal can force feed me all the drugs and hormones that it wants, but it cannot change the essential, bedrock, life-long inner identity of myself as MALE.
As a matter of fact, the ONLY way to get me to act productively, whether in making babies or fighting battles in the interdimensional realm, is to pump up my own masculine identity, which after years of being under severe assault by drugs, hormones, and evil mind control, is weaker now, than it was even a few years ago. You know why I make babies with PF? Because sex with her makes me feel like a man--I do not engage in sex with her, feeling like or identifying myself as a woman. I spent years in a lesbian relationship. I know how to make love, female body on female body (both my ex and I manifested the masculine principle--we could never have made babies), but for all our current openness to sexual experimentation, I cannot. It just doesn't feel right or good or natural to even initiate such sex behavior.
Part of the problem may be that the more the KaBal has alienated me from my own body, the more I identify with my Male identity. I have never felt less female or feminine in my entire life. As a matter of fact, I find myself weakly repulsed by the presence of the feminine in the MATRIX setup in which I find myself. It is not that I hate the feminine per se, but rather that I am trying desperately, as a besieged, unsupported, "adolescent" male, to separate myself from the feminine, so that I can LIVE my own life, my own identity. This is not a matter of psychological preference, but rather of psychological necessity. This is not about the presentation of a psyche and personality, but rather a struggle for the life of the very essence of my psyche and personality.
Now, the other thing that makes me feel like a man, or maybe I should say, validates my own inner being and truth, is making the world a safe place for my children. I am not a mother. I am not primarily an emotional and reflective nurturer for my children. My vocation, my purpose, my identity is fulfilled, when I do battle to make the world safer for my wife and children. That is why my most recent son is Asian. He was conceived the day that I took the battle to China. I do not mention every battle that I fight, but China had a really nefarious, sinister plan (one of many), to unleash an army of drones to destroy the Patriot forces--probably by destroying th Patriot facilities in Antartica. The only good thing that comes of being raped by the perverts of Faction 2/3, is that I can see deep into their mind when they do it. So, with that knowledge, I was able to help attack, in the interdimensional realm (of course this was alien, underground technology), the drones, which was why the air near Xian, China was filled with smoke for a couple of days. THAT is how a father shows his love for his children--by making the outside world a safer and more secure place, so that their own small world, presided over by the mother and supportive teachers, is undisturbed. Such masculine success is what feeds and inspires my own sense of self, and thus, my creativity, which is why the same day, PF and I conceived a little Asian boy. I had proved my manhood to myself by making Asia a little safer, and my son was the result of this surging, proud manhood. No manhood, no babies. Period.
Now, I know that Black psychics (some of whom are every bit as racist as Whites) are wondering why I don't produce more Black babies. The answer is simple--generally speaking, the Black community does not support my own manhood (nor honor and protect PF's womanhood), not personally and not in battle. Perhaps if I could fight to make Africa a safer place, things would be different. However, I know that so much of the battle in Africa is not conducive to my style of fighting, which uses remote viewing and interdimensional power. Rather, the fight for Africa, right now, is very much a 3D battle, with lots of foot soldiers and small weapons firepower. I always try to avoid killing sentient life, though there ARE enemy casualties, but rather I aim to destroy equipment and capability, on a grand level. I wish that I could do more for Africa. I want to help in the formation of what I see as a bright future; it is just that my current gifts, limited by my the handicaps forced upon me, by a lack of support for my own manhood, makes it a difficult theater for me in which to operate. African brothers, support my manhood, and you will get more Black babies, as well as a healthier, more prosperous Africa.
Right now, my primary support for manhood is PF, and since she is White, the overwhelming number of my children are White. It is not a healthy situation for a man to have his manhood validated solely by his woman. It DOES work in a remedial sense, and I know this, having worked in a prison, and counseling young men who had been raped (they would never admit it, but of course, everyone knew). The only real way to help them was to give them phone calls to their girlfriends, which I could see restored somewhat their battered and humiliated loss of self-esteem. Rape is more damaging to males than females, precisely because it destroys the sense of manhood, which in a man is so much more fragile than a female's sense of womanhood (sadly though, rape in women has become exacerbated by destroying their youthful beauty, or their reproductive capability, and THAT works to destroy a female's sense of womanhood). This truth is no doubt, why the KaBalists of Faction 2/3 have spent the last couple of years, raping me on a regular basis, in the interdimensional realm--it has all been designed to destroy my manhood, but I know there is no womanhood to replace it. All they can do is make me a crippled man, which to be honest, is their intent anyway. There is not a one of the Faction 2./3 crowd that I have seen that has any sense of manhood, whatsoever. They are all crippled by the serpent being that they have put in their bodies in order to gain occult power.
I do not want to be a crippled man. I want to be a strong, free and healthy man. Such is not possible right now in my current circumstance. I am not free to be me, and I am dependent on my woman as my sole support. I do not resent this, or blame her. I know I would be dead, both literally and figuratively, without her. However such an arrangement puts psychological stress and pressure on me AND us. Last night, I was pretty drugged up, not to mention that i had some KaBalist creep invading my personal body, without my consent, so I went to do meditation before going to sleep. It made me drowsy, so that I went to lay down on the living room floor, in which I lift my legs up on the sofa, to help ease my lower back. Now normally, this would not be an issue for me at all. There is an "X" pose in yoga, which I used to love doing, but no longer can, because, after years of being raped, I have become vulnerable and fearful for my own bodily integrity and presence. After meditation, I almost immediately went into the twilight zone, when PF made a sexual overture to me, but I didn't know it was her, and I immediately closed off in fear, thinking that I was under some kind of KaBal attack. Now, if PF were laying next to me, I would have no problem whatsoever, with her initiating sexual contact, but I am so traumatized by all the rape that I have endured, that this immediately closes me off, and makes me feel "female" again. (Oh, did I forget to mention that such is another truth my prison counseling experience taught me--raping a man, feminizes him--makes him weak, uncertain, passive, and at a loss for exercising personal boundaries. In a healthy female, rape does not have such a profound demoralizing effect, unless there are exacerbating circumstances--of course rape on women is much more common than people think--it is only the heinous, exacerbated rapes that comes to public consciousness).
So, this whole experience, let me to a dream last night, that I think reflects my current condition most accurately. I dreamed that I was expected to shower in a public shower, and even though there were men's showers, I knew that, being in a female body, it was best that I shower with the women. The only problem was that I could not bring myself to go into the shower with them. Now, I always have had a problem doing group showers with other women (playing sports, dorm settings, jail, etc). I don't want to see other women naked. I become sexually aroused, and I feel horrible and guilty, as if I am some peeping tom underneath the porch, looking up a girl's skirt. I have always known that, in a female locker room, I was a "wolf in sheep's clothing", and it deeply bothers my conscience, which always aims to be truthful and respectful. So, while the ladies showered, I waited outside, for everyone to leave, so I could go and shower on my own. Then a Black man came up, and wanted to ask a woman who was showering, if a teeny tiny tube top would fit her (I am wondering if this woman was symbolic of PF). I told him, "you can't go in there--there's naked women, in there. Let me". So, I went in, and held up the tiny tube top and asked if she could wear it, and she gave me a look, I would expect, for really the outfit was childish, and would never be comfortable for a mature woman at all.
So, I interpret this dream to mean, that outwardly, the female body I am in necessitates me to identify as female in a public area. Now keeping in mind, that my body has been turned from a masculine hermaphrodite to a fat, soft, mutilated female with huge boobs, and is not my body at all, but looks decidedly more female than what God gave me and what I lived with for nearly fifty years, and you can understand my dilemma. Over the years, many times when I have been zoned out in my imagination, or not paying attention, I would find myself entering the men's restroom. However my small town upbringing and heavy superego immediately lays shame and guilt on me, so that I am quite conditioned to believe that I should use the women's restroom, except that doesn't feel comfortable or right, either. All I can do, is remain strangely isolated, not really at home in public with males or females, and just wait until I find my own spot of privacy, since that is the only place I feel comfortable. Now, I am guessing, but I think the incident with the teeny tiny tube top, refers to the Black psychic community wanting to straitjacket PF, before agreeing to help me. That is not going to work. Like me, PF has her own very strong and very healthy, and HARD EARNED sense of identity and autonomy, and she could not, in truth to herself, sell that out. Furthermore, the only reason that we are able to make babies in partnership, is because we both are so strong in spirit. In telepathic or spiritual reproduction, it is essential that both the female and male partners be equally strong in spirit. That is the only way it works, and that is the way I like it.
I don't know what is going to happen. I know my life has to change. I cannot bear being surrounded and assaulted by these KaBal parasitical creeps anymore. I made a move, based on faith and hope, but only time will tell how things pan out. In the meantime, I just have to continue working at life.
PS--You know, I just had an insight--I don't think the sexual overture that I experienced last night was from PF. I was in the twilight zone and so my perception was confused. No doubt it was the KaBal, who once again, were able to play frequencies in my head, that imitate my own brain frequencies when I have sex with PF. This is how the scumbags are able to trick me in my sleep, and you wonder why I despise the pricks. YOU FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, MY BODY, AND MY SEX!!!! It makes life more difficult for me, because it inhibits my ability to have sex with PF, fearful that my brain waves and frequencies are being captured, so that the pigs are able to fool me in my sleep.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Got to quit writing at night
Got to quit writing at night---that is when the psychotropics put me in a semi-psychotic state. last nigt i was screaming. tonite i am just barely able to drag myself around. whatever i am on has me so somnolent that i feel like a walking, stoned zombie all the time. spent most day watching tv shows. all i can do. house is a mess again. eating burritos for supper. dont know what is happening much in world. so mcuh disinfo, and dont have energy to sort it all out. i am just focused on my reality, which is not ideal. right now my lower back hurts and i am feeling the unwanted spiritual invasion up my spine again. i know it is coming from who/whatever is now shapeshifted into watcher's body next door. watcher is somewhere getting treatment she/he needs and i plan to post on that soon, bcause i think he is fundamnetally misunderstood by peoplew with dualistic minds who see everything in good and evil.
There is definitely a continnuum of evil and i certainly have experienced the exteremes of it. even now, the only way this new watcher (and he is such a creep that i havent been back since the last time i talked to him. the real watcher has genuine charisma, and likeability--this current shapeshifter is just a parasitical user. now he is trying to latch his parasite mout on to my spinal column. he can only do it when i am so drugged up that i cannot keep my own boundaries up. but that is the whole point of drugging me. i am not schizophrenic, but the drugs cause quasi schizphrenic syumptoms, but it is just another mind control arnseanal in the weapon of the Amon RA cult to mind control me--one they have been using on me since i was a toddler.
i have to keep my spirits up, my vibrations up, working so hard on getting out of here--so manuy obstacles keep getting thrown at me.
There is definitely a continnuum of evil and i certainly have experienced the exteremes of it. even now, the only way this new watcher (and he is such a creep that i havent been back since the last time i talked to him. the real watcher has genuine charisma, and likeability--this current shapeshifter is just a parasitical user. now he is trying to latch his parasite mout on to my spinal column. he can only do it when i am so drugged up that i cannot keep my own boundaries up. but that is the whole point of drugging me. i am not schizophrenic, but the drugs cause quasi schizphrenic syumptoms, but it is just another mind control arnseanal in the weapon of the Amon RA cult to mind control me--one they have been using on me since i was a toddler.
i have to keep my spirits up, my vibrations up, working so hard on getting out of here--so manuy obstacles keep getting thrown at me.
I hope someone can get this to my 3D family:
I hope someone can get this to my 3D family: My family thinks I am dead, and maybe, by conventional understanding, I am. However, my consciousness is still alive and aware, even if I am a ghost in "The MACHINE", and my heart still feels for my family, even if people think I am pretty cold in my relations.
I have had an insight that my genetic child, that is, born of one of my ova to my nephew and his wife, is desperately ill. As you all may remember, back in February, I was very concerned about this child, who was still in the womb. I don't know why my ova was used (is the mother infertile--that seems unlikely, unless it was done deliberately), unless it was a deliberate setup by the KaBal to produce another reptile queen. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure that was the deal, when I received some sonograms and did some meditation. I wrote out my concern, and I think some things changed, among others, the baby's gender. I know that it was designated to be female, but it was born male. Thank God. I was so happy when I heard that. After all the hell that I have been through, having been born in an altered and WRONG bodily phenotype, I would not wish such misery on anyone, much less my own genetic child. However, all this tells me that the KaBal and the AmonRA reptiles were very busy trying to produce a hermaphroditic queen, much in the same way that they did me.
Anyway, for whatever reason, whether through positive or Patriot intervention, or sheer luck, the baby was able to survive birth and be born in his naturally ordained body. However, now he is very ill, and I think that he may be suffering from the same blood disorder that my natural, interdimensional children suffer from. The racists are not going to like to here this, but somehow, I think that a Caucasian gene factor in the blood is causing the illness. Now blood is not "racial" in a strict sense, and the various races can receive transfusions from different races. However, I think that in my highly unique DNA, with the huge range of chromosomal history, there is a conflict that causes a blood disorder, unless a blood transfusion of as pure of African blood as possible is given. In short, the White racists have got it all wrong--the "highest", "purest", "most Aryan" DNA needs a blood matrix of African, not Caucasian, origin to survive and thrive. My genetic child will not live unless this transfusion is given.
Now, I don't know if this transfusion has been given to me, although I suspect that it has (maybe the day I woke up feeling light), but I am pretty certain that it has been given to our natural children, born with primarily my DNA. Please somebody, make certain that this child gets what he needs--too many of my children are dying. I think that PF and I recently lost another daughter, and it was strange, because she was primarily Black in DNA and appearance, yet she suffered from cystic fibrosis, which is a disease that is passed on by Caucasian DNA. So clearly, there is medical history being introduced with our DNA and children, but life is life--it does not matter what color it is or what blood it is, and human life, and the life of a child, is especially precious.
If my nephew, a "good ole country boy" from Appalachia, blinks when told the child needs an African blood transfusion, tell him that African blood runs deep, very deep in our family. Tell him that is the entire reason our DNA is so special, that we have been subjects for occult genetic experimentation for centuries, is because of the depth of Black blood in our genes. Tell him that the Jackson 5 brothers are his uncles (in addition to the Brothers Gibb--he knows music runs in our family), and that he has multiple kin and cousins who are Black, who have been born directly from egg and sperm of family he knows, including me.
God bless and protect all my children, including the most recent one just born today. I love you all dearly, and long to be with you on Father's Day...
I have had an insight that my genetic child, that is, born of one of my ova to my nephew and his wife, is desperately ill. As you all may remember, back in February, I was very concerned about this child, who was still in the womb. I don't know why my ova was used (is the mother infertile--that seems unlikely, unless it was done deliberately), unless it was a deliberate setup by the KaBal to produce another reptile queen. As a matter of fact, I was pretty sure that was the deal, when I received some sonograms and did some meditation. I wrote out my concern, and I think some things changed, among others, the baby's gender. I know that it was designated to be female, but it was born male. Thank God. I was so happy when I heard that. After all the hell that I have been through, having been born in an altered and WRONG bodily phenotype, I would not wish such misery on anyone, much less my own genetic child. However, all this tells me that the KaBal and the AmonRA reptiles were very busy trying to produce a hermaphroditic queen, much in the same way that they did me.
Anyway, for whatever reason, whether through positive or Patriot intervention, or sheer luck, the baby was able to survive birth and be born in his naturally ordained body. However, now he is very ill, and I think that he may be suffering from the same blood disorder that my natural, interdimensional children suffer from. The racists are not going to like to here this, but somehow, I think that a Caucasian gene factor in the blood is causing the illness. Now blood is not "racial" in a strict sense, and the various races can receive transfusions from different races. However, I think that in my highly unique DNA, with the huge range of chromosomal history, there is a conflict that causes a blood disorder, unless a blood transfusion of as pure of African blood as possible is given. In short, the White racists have got it all wrong--the "highest", "purest", "most Aryan" DNA needs a blood matrix of African, not Caucasian, origin to survive and thrive. My genetic child will not live unless this transfusion is given.
Now, I don't know if this transfusion has been given to me, although I suspect that it has (maybe the day I woke up feeling light), but I am pretty certain that it has been given to our natural children, born with primarily my DNA. Please somebody, make certain that this child gets what he needs--too many of my children are dying. I think that PF and I recently lost another daughter, and it was strange, because she was primarily Black in DNA and appearance, yet she suffered from cystic fibrosis, which is a disease that is passed on by Caucasian DNA. So clearly, there is medical history being introduced with our DNA and children, but life is life--it does not matter what color it is or what blood it is, and human life, and the life of a child, is especially precious.
If my nephew, a "good ole country boy" from Appalachia, blinks when told the child needs an African blood transfusion, tell him that African blood runs deep, very deep in our family. Tell him that is the entire reason our DNA is so special, that we have been subjects for occult genetic experimentation for centuries, is because of the depth of Black blood in our genes. Tell him that the Jackson 5 brothers are his uncles (in addition to the Brothers Gibb--he knows music runs in our family), and that he has multiple kin and cousins who are Black, who have been born directly from egg and sperm of family he knows, including me.
God bless and protect all my children, including the most recent one just born today. I love you all dearly, and long to be with you on Father's Day...
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Really rought day
Really rought day--I am on some kind of psychotropic that has me alternately severely depressed and raging. i have lost my ability to maintain positive attitude and work at high frequency. that is the plan of course--to keep me depressed so that the parasites can feed on me. Most of the time, i am sleepy and drugged and dizzy--too sick to exercise or get out of the house.
all i can do is endure and hope tomorrow is better.
i am worried about going to sleep. i know that the faction 2/3 creeps can abduct me and flip me at will. There has to be something in my sexual history that they know that they can use against me. some violence, some murder, something awful. all I can do is keep identifying memories one day at a time, so i need to spend more time looking at ancietn Egypt, because that is where the big, original "fall" took place, I think, maybe even more so than ATlantis. Maybe i was in on the ground floor to destroy my home land, set up a new, preplanned colony in Egypt, then, once there, my evil deeds caught up with me, and my personal life fell apart. I am not sure. I just know that I cannot be me, because evil KaBalists, keep drugging me which handicaps all my efforts to to remember and integrate the past.
I tell myself to stay strong and stay focused--just hard when i am so damned drugged.
all i can do is endure and hope tomorrow is better.
i am worried about going to sleep. i know that the faction 2/3 creeps can abduct me and flip me at will. There has to be something in my sexual history that they know that they can use against me. some violence, some murder, something awful. all I can do is keep identifying memories one day at a time, so i need to spend more time looking at ancietn Egypt, because that is where the big, original "fall" took place, I think, maybe even more so than ATlantis. Maybe i was in on the ground floor to destroy my home land, set up a new, preplanned colony in Egypt, then, once there, my evil deeds caught up with me, and my personal life fell apart. I am not sure. I just know that I cannot be me, because evil KaBalists, keep drugging me which handicaps all my efforts to to remember and integrate the past.
I tell myself to stay strong and stay focused--just hard when i am so damned drugged.
Drugged again
Drugged again--no doubt why i am feeling so fucked up and negative and depressed. I went to watch videos, and I got the same old schizophrenic sensation i get when watching moving images when i am on psychotropics. So who the fuck now thinks that by force feeding me drugs that I am going to join their clique.
WELL, LET ME SAY IT AGAIN--NOW THAT I AM ON DRUGS--YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR THE RECORD. I AM A BLACK MAN. THAT IS WHO I AM WHO I WANT TO BE. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DONT WANT TO BE A GAY MAN. I DONT WANT TO BE A CELIBATE. I DESPISE MOST OF THE OCCULT FACTIONS, though there are a few individuals who may interest me--BUT NOT ANY FACTION OR CLIQUE THAT REFUSES TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I SAY I AM. GET IT.
I have been the prize pet of the MAVHINE for centuries, while RA plays games with my genes and incarnational settings, all designed to maximize its amusement. THis last time around, IT and the reptiles even changed my original DNA blueprint from male to female--just to torment me more. Well, I am tired of being chained to the MACHINE's rigamarole. I claim my identity back for myself--I AM A MAN, NOT A WOMAN. Furthermore, I choose to claim the operative DNA that was manifest the last time I was truly a free, interdimensional man--THAT IS, I AM BLACK.
I am sorry for all you fucking Sirian racists who cannot accept that--YOU may want to be a slave to the MACHINE for another 13,000 years, but I want to be free. I am starting to have memories of who and what I used to be, and that is home, and that is where I want to go, AS A BLACK MAN!!!! Drug me all you want, flip me all you want, you cannot change who I am.
As a matter of fact, I had another memory flash while I was watching a video just now, which had Egyptian themes. I don't know what the memory flash was, but ifelt it hit my heart, and then my heart was all heavy and painful for about five minutes. I need to be working through honest memories and a bucketload of past lives and karma--NOT PLAYING STUPIDASS GAMES WITH A BUNCH OF NINCOMPOOPS WHO DESIRE SLAVERY NOT ONLY FOR ME, BUT FOR THEMSELVES. YOU WANT TO BE SLAVES? YOU GO FOR IT--JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR GODDAMNED MACHINATIONS. TITO, DONT PLAY THAT GAME.
WELL, LET ME SAY IT AGAIN--NOW THAT I AM ON DRUGS--YOU CAN HAVE IT FOR THE RECORD. I AM A BLACK MAN. THAT IS WHO I AM WHO I WANT TO BE. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WOMAN. I DONT WANT TO BE A GAY MAN. I DONT WANT TO BE A CELIBATE. I DESPISE MOST OF THE OCCULT FACTIONS, though there are a few individuals who may interest me--BUT NOT ANY FACTION OR CLIQUE THAT REFUSES TO ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I SAY I AM. GET IT.
I have been the prize pet of the MAVHINE for centuries, while RA plays games with my genes and incarnational settings, all designed to maximize its amusement. THis last time around, IT and the reptiles even changed my original DNA blueprint from male to female--just to torment me more. Well, I am tired of being chained to the MACHINE's rigamarole. I claim my identity back for myself--I AM A MAN, NOT A WOMAN. Furthermore, I choose to claim the operative DNA that was manifest the last time I was truly a free, interdimensional man--THAT IS, I AM BLACK.
I am sorry for all you fucking Sirian racists who cannot accept that--YOU may want to be a slave to the MACHINE for another 13,000 years, but I want to be free. I am starting to have memories of who and what I used to be, and that is home, and that is where I want to go, AS A BLACK MAN!!!! Drug me all you want, flip me all you want, you cannot change who I am.
As a matter of fact, I had another memory flash while I was watching a video just now, which had Egyptian themes. I don't know what the memory flash was, but ifelt it hit my heart, and then my heart was all heavy and painful for about five minutes. I need to be working through honest memories and a bucketload of past lives and karma--NOT PLAYING STUPIDASS GAMES WITH A BUNCH OF NINCOMPOOPS WHO DESIRE SLAVERY NOT ONLY FOR ME, BUT FOR THEMSELVES. YOU WANT TO BE SLAVES? YOU GO FOR IT--JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR GODDAMNED MACHINATIONS. TITO, DONT PLAY THAT GAME.
The truth did not set me free
The truth did not set me free--woke up feeling like I was in a kid's body. As a matter of fact, the first thing I thought on awakening was that I was Tom Hanks in "Big", finding himself once more in a boy's body. The feeling of lightness of a child, lasted even less for me than it did for Hanks, because at least he woke up in a BOY's body. As soon as I woke up, I felt the GODDAMNED BOOBS HANGING OFF ME, AND THE FEELING OF BEING IN AN ALIEN, HATEFUL FEMALE BODY ASSAILED ME ONCE AGAIN. WHEN IS THIS SHIT GOING TO FUCKING STOP? Even as I write this, I am so self conscious of, and alienated from this body I am in--it FEELS ME WITH DISGUST AND LOATHING, AND I SUSPECT THE FUCKING GODDAMN TEPLAR PIGS--FACTION 2/3 WERE ABLE TO EFFECT SOME CHANGE IN BRAIN OR HORMONES THAT MAKES THE FEMALE BODY EVEN MORE HATEFUL.
I go through shit every so often. The stupid goddamned pieces of shit, will do anything to turn me into a female. Sometimes they switch the body polarity to try to force a female identity on me--that may have happened, because what that really does is fill me with rage at being in a fucking alienated body.
I can feel the rage welling up inside of me---what the fuck did the goddamned mother fuckers do to me? How are the pieces of goddamned shit flipping me? I know that they are able to mimic, to fool, my senses in my astral sleep, because I have been able to determine that someone was pretending to be PF in the astral state. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THE MOTHER FUCKERS CAN OPERATE--THROUGH LIES, DECEIT, TREACHEROUS, LUCIFERIAN HEXES. Not only am I NOT A WOMAN, BUT A MAN, GODDAMNED IT, AND EVEN IF I WERE A WOMAN, I WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU PIECES OF SCUM.
As I write this, I smell a scent that I often smell from cigarettes that I buy at the Indian Center--before I figured out that they contaminated with some virus that sent me to the Faction 2/3 frequency in my astral sleep, and quit buying them. It kind of smells mentholated--like Vicks, or maybe that mentholated cinammon that so many abductees talk so much about. It is coming from my open bedroom window, and I suspect that they have put this substance with the viral frequency stimulant all around my house, and in the air conditioners, so that I will breathe it, and they can abduct me. Once they do that, the deception begins, and apparently I agree to being female, and engage in some kind of questionably consensual sex, since they are using drugs and hi tech gadgetry to fool an unconscious brain. It is almost like having sex with an infant--all unconscious and trusting and dependent, but since these cultists are infantile, it would make sense.
Somehow, I have to figure out how these bastards are flipping me. I am at a loss. I keep unearthing all this past karma, and yet I cannot seem to break free. Is it my own immaturity? Since for me, being a girl signifies immaturity and lack of responsibility, is that why I keep insisting that I am female---because it puts me in a place where I do not have to be responsible?
I don't know. I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure this all out.
I go through shit every so often. The stupid goddamned pieces of shit, will do anything to turn me into a female. Sometimes they switch the body polarity to try to force a female identity on me--that may have happened, because what that really does is fill me with rage at being in a fucking alienated body.
I can feel the rage welling up inside of me---what the fuck did the goddamned mother fuckers do to me? How are the pieces of goddamned shit flipping me? I know that they are able to mimic, to fool, my senses in my astral sleep, because I have been able to determine that someone was pretending to be PF in the astral state. THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THE MOTHER FUCKERS CAN OPERATE--THROUGH LIES, DECEIT, TREACHEROUS, LUCIFERIAN HEXES. Not only am I NOT A WOMAN, BUT A MAN, GODDAMNED IT, AND EVEN IF I WERE A WOMAN, I WOULD HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU PIECES OF SCUM.
As I write this, I smell a scent that I often smell from cigarettes that I buy at the Indian Center--before I figured out that they contaminated with some virus that sent me to the Faction 2/3 frequency in my astral sleep, and quit buying them. It kind of smells mentholated--like Vicks, or maybe that mentholated cinammon that so many abductees talk so much about. It is coming from my open bedroom window, and I suspect that they have put this substance with the viral frequency stimulant all around my house, and in the air conditioners, so that I will breathe it, and they can abduct me. Once they do that, the deception begins, and apparently I agree to being female, and engage in some kind of questionably consensual sex, since they are using drugs and hi tech gadgetry to fool an unconscious brain. It is almost like having sex with an infant--all unconscious and trusting and dependent, but since these cultists are infantile, it would make sense.
Somehow, I have to figure out how these bastards are flipping me. I am at a loss. I keep unearthing all this past karma, and yet I cannot seem to break free. Is it my own immaturity? Since for me, being a girl signifies immaturity and lack of responsibility, is that why I keep insisting that I am female---because it puts me in a place where I do not have to be responsible?
I don't know. I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure this all out.
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