Broken Down Body

11.15.06--Well, my body has utterly collapsed, in weakness and illness.  The sinus infection to which I succumbed, when TPTB first started giving me psychotropic drugs, has taken root, and I am really sick.  There is just too much mucus drainage in my system and it congests my sinuses and goes into my lungs and causes deep coughing.  I am trying to avoid going to the doctor, partly because I don't trust any medical professional right now, and partly because of problems with my COBRA insurance.  If I still feel this bad when my insurance goes through, though, I probably will break down and go.  The penicillin really kicked butt last time, and it is just too tempting to get over this quickly.  At least I don't feel so feverish as I did the last time---I just feel really weak and sick, and I wake up coughing at night.  If I were employed, I would be in a world of suffering, but as it is, I can lay down in bed and take a nap anytime I want.

My body still has not returned to normal from the horrible side effects of the psychotropic drugs.  Last night at yoga, I was dismayed at how "dead" and heavy my muscles still feel--in my back, my trunk, my arms, legs and hips.  At least I am getting some strength back, but nowhere near normal levels.  My body is resilient, but at some point I have to wonder whether I will get back my normal strength.  The suffering has been great--as with the lithium, I can see the suffering etched on my face--probably permanently.

The good news is that I have started to dream again (the drugs totally inhibited my ability to dream, or at least remember them).  It was terribly traumatic not to have my dreams.  I depend on them  so much for my interior conversation.  But I had a dream last night, and while it was not a "good" (i.e."pleasant") dream, I think I am moving closer to identifying the evil spirit within me.  As a matter of fact, I think I may be able to name it, but I don't know that it is a good idea to reveal it.  Of that, I'm sure.  I need to pray before any further discussion or proceeding....