11/11/06--
Sometimes I wonder why I should bother to write when I just say the same thing over and over again, but somewhere there's got to be a record of just how really bad these drugs are for me--on every level. My hands and arms are so weak that I can hardly type. I think they cause too much dopamine to be released, and then neurons for basic physical movement just shut down. But I am not a doctor, so I only theorize. However, I do know my body and its responses intimately, and something is really wrong when all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep. Watching TV places a distant second place. But I also have lost my ability to concentrate so why watch TV? It's too hard. Everywhere, I am getting bad news. I've got hospital and credit card bills that I can barely stay on top of---especially when I feel too sick and drained to deal with them. Physically, I am too weak to work out on even the most basic of levels (20 minutes of walking on the cardio machines), at a time when I'm desperate to lose weight in order to preserve my eyesight. I know a big part of it is fluid retention (I can literally see the swollen ankles and recognize when the csf is affecting my eyesight), but I can't get a medical doctor to help me deal with what I really need help with--the hormonal problems that are causing the fluid retention/weight gain, or even just the intersexed condition. I have a strong suspicion that getting rid of extraneous gonads would go a long way to normalizing my hormones.
I also have made up my mind to seek an ally just as soon as I physically feel able to function again. I am thinking of renewing contact with the Episcopal Church, mainly inspired by the election of a female as primate of the Church. She is a woman of faith, I can tell, and her vision of church community is the same as mine. But it is more than one person. I cannot imagine Opus Dei having the kind of power and exercising the level of abuse that I have experienced at their hands, ever existing in the Episcopal Church. Under no circumstances or conditions would I ever have anything to do with the Roman Catholic Church. Opus Dei can torture me all they want (and I know that they are the originators of my legal woes; their stupidity is beyond belief. But considering that they are mostly brainwashed ideologues I shouldn't be surprised). However, I am a person of faith, and I may as well support, and be supported by other people of faith whose vision of church and theology I share. But to be honest, I'm not really a "church-y" kind of person either. Maybe though I will try it out.
I'm also thinking of applying for law school. I don't know though that my motivations are sufficient. Having suffered from so much injustice, I recognize how importantthe pursuit and practice of law is, but I don't know if it is for me. I watched the movie, "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" today, and I identified all the way with John Wayne. I am more like a cynical outlaw than an outraged idealist. (Maybe not though; I just remembered who is on as my screen saver). Well, these are thoughts I will need to think on, when my mind is clear again. Not today.
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