7/07/2007--It was supposed to be a big day for social liberals like myself. I got an email invitation to join a party nearby, but I am completely unable to socialize, feeling withdrawn, unable to look anybody in their eyes, and realizing that it has been days since I have felt clear of autism. I am certain now that my autism is getting worse and worse with each passing day. Today the world was actually frightening, as I walked along in the woods. By the time I got in the truck, it was difficult to get in and drive home. Just by chance, I came across a journal entry that I handwrote in January of 2006. It was written at work while it was really slow. It reads:
1/506
10:02 a.m....late signing in--can't help it. I move too slow. I'm so high I'm floating. I can hardly hold my pen. My hands have no strength. My head hurts to hold up--severe pain in my cervical spine and ribs that I cannot block. Totally unable to move my head to any side without pain. I'm having real difficulty concentrating. My head weighs 30 pounds. I'm so passive, I can't take charge of a call. God, I'm suffering so bad. I just want to be home lying down. Can't function. Can't function. Can't function. Every day at work is agony. I sit here high and sick, unable to move, unable to think, unable to function--on some kind of alienated auto pilot. I sit here, lolling in my chair, head turned to the side. Can anyone imagine what it is like to be tethered to a phone, high as a kite, unable to move, unable to think, unable to feel? Just a deep desire to sleep sleep sleep sleep--release this body from existence so feel free again, spiritual again, joyful again. It seems like that will never happen again.
A woman just got ecstatic on me re: her credit score. I could feel none of her joy. My empathy has totally been cut off. No feelings whatsoever--alienated from all feeling. God will I ever feel joy again?
1/13/06
Totally, utterly sad. Tears rolling down my face--unable to feel anything but black hole depression as I feel the drugs coursing through my body. I hate my body. I hate my life. I want it over.
unable to remember/depression/feelings of self-hatred and loathing esp towards body/headaches/mood swings/tears rolling down the cheek
Tiedto this phone like a chain."
I survived that round. Now I am in another. Those sick,power tripping doctors have got me experiencing autism on a daily basis. But their damned poison has already left its mark on my body and psyche, and I have no resistance whatsoever to whatever they are giving me. I may yet become an autistic vegetable--that would make the damned Opus Dei happy--at least they could rest easy that I would be in enforced celibacy. As for the government, they don't care. They probably have another lab rat already lined up to be violated and abused. But I am determined to leave a record. I may die, "disappear," (yes, here in the USA), or become an autistic vegetable but at least I will leave a record.
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