Weak Body Breaking Down on Me

11/11/06--

Sometimes I wonder why I should bother to write when I just say the same thing over and over again, but somewhere there's got to be a record of just how really bad these drugs are for me--on every level.  My hands and arms are so weak that I can hardly type.  I think they cause too much dopamine to be released, and then neurons for basic physical movement just shut down.  But I am not a doctor, so I only theorize.  However, I do know my body and its responses intimately, and something is really wrong when all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep.  Watching TV places a distant second place.  But I also have lost my ability to concentrate so why watch TV?  It's too hard.  Everywhere, I am getting bad news.  I've got hospital and credit card bills that I can barely stay on top of---especially when I feel too sick and drained to deal with them.  Physically, I am too weak to work out on even the most basic of levels (20 minutes of walking on the cardio machines), at a time when I'm desperate to lose weight in order to preserve my eyesight.  I know a big part of it is fluid retention (I can literally see the swollen ankles and recognize when the csf is affecting my eyesight), but I can't get a medical doctor to help me deal with what I really need help with--the hormonal problems that are causing the fluid retention/weight gain, or even just the intersexed condition.  I have a strong suspicion that getting rid of extraneous gonads would go a long way to normalizing my hormones. 

I also have made up my mind to seek an ally just as soon as I physically feel able to function again.  I am thinking of renewing contact with the Episcopal Church, mainly inspired by the election of a female as primate of the Church.  She is a woman of faith, I can tell, and her vision of church community is the same as mine.  But it is more than one person.  I cannot imagine Opus Dei having the kind of power and exercising the level of abuse that I have experienced at their hands, ever existing in the Episcopal Church.  Under no circumstances or conditions would I ever have anything to do with the Roman Catholic Church.  Opus Dei can torture me all they want (and I know that they are the originators of my legal woes; their stupidity is beyond belief.  But considering that they are mostly brainwashed ideologues I shouldn't be surprised).  However, I am a person of faith, and I may as well support, and be supported by other people of faith whose vision of church and theology I share.  But to be honest, I'm not really a "church-y" kind of person either.  Maybe though I will try it out.

I'm also thinking of applying for law school.  I don't know though that my motivations are sufficient.  Having suffered from so much injustice,  I recognize how importantthe pursuit and practice of law is, but I don't know if it is for me.  I watched the movie, "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" today, and I identified all the way with John Wayne.  I am more like a cynical outlaw than an outraged idealist.  (Maybe not though; I just remembered who is on as my screen saver).  Well, these are thoughts I will need to think on, when my mind is clear again.  Not today.

 

"Broken" mirror neurons

11/9/06--Another day in bed, barely able to function, though I did make an attempt to talk to someone re: my 20,000 dollar hospital bill.  That will have to wait for another day.  I did finish reading some articles on autism in Scientific American.  That is not my usual fare, but I was intrigued, because I recognized my own symptomology in their hypothesis.  The basic hypothesis is that humans have a mirror neuron system that automatically, and intrinsically, "mimics" the physical actions of another human, especially when the imitator can perceive the intent.  These mirror neurons are missing or dysfunctional in autistics.  I immediately recognized my deficiency in this, because I learned a long time ago that I learn very poorly and laboriously when I attempt to imitate someone's action.  The classic example for me (though most certainly not the only one), is following aerobic step activity which makes a lot of complicated moves.  I don't follow an instructor's visual lead;  I'm incapable of doing so.  Instead, I follow their verbal lead.  This can get a little bit complicated, because they can very involved in instructions very fast, and my only recourse is to think faster...which I do.  I'm capable of giving myself instructions, "turn left, sashay right, make a V, grapevine left" with incredible speed. Maybe that is why my brain seems manic depressive to so many people---because I have learned to adapt my dysfunctional way of processing reality by just speeding up the brain, so I can get and give myself the extensive verbal commands I need to use instead of the more efficient neuronal mirroring.  I can't mirror. I hate it when people try to teach me something by having me follow their lead, especially if they don't give me clear, detailed, step-by-step verbal instructions.  I just zone out, and go back at a later time to try to teach myself.

Speaking of zoning out, that is clearly what is happening to me when I am on these drugs that I am being force fed.  I watched a documentary on marijuana last night and as I watched it, I was amazed at how similar the pot experience is to this---the time distortion, the loss of all energy, and appetite drives.  The only thing that is missing is the feeling of intoxication; instead there is a feeling of malaise.  As I watched the documentary, I had to ask myself, "Why are so many people feeling the need to get high?" I think the answer is behind the same reason why so many people want to control me and my naturally high and exuberant spirits.  We live in a society that distrusts the Dionysian, and overemphasizes the Apollonian.  So our teenagers go out on their weekends and guzzle down fifths of booze.  It is not my personal libido they fear; it is libido, or energy in general.  Poor, pathetic sobs.  Well they sure have done a really bad number on me.  My energy is so low that I'm barely able to function.  Insofar as I do, I find myself very autistic. Another interesting thought from the Sci. Am. article... One symptom that really has been puzzling me is the elevated heart rate.  The doctors at LL talked about stress of being enclosed in an institution.  Bullshit.  I was in jail for six months and I never suffered such an elevated heart rate.  I agree with the theory of Sci Am more.  Autistics suffer from elevated stress because our brains process sensory information differently, especially visual and auditory stimuli, and so we are more easily overwhelmed by such information.  I KNOW that these drugs make me more autistic.  I can tell, and a big part of it is the visual stimuli that my brain is processing.  So the ? I would ask my tormentors is why do you force feed me drugs that make me autistic so that I can "appear" more normal in other respects. 
I don't like being autistic. It took me years to adapt myself otherwise.  Why can't you just praise God that I am so high functioning, and just let me be.

I am sick of being me.  I am sick of being autistic, intersexed, with health problems and everybody lying to me.  I am sick of the religious zealots who dog my steps thinking that I am going to have anything to do with them.  God I wish I were a normal person.  But that is not who I am.  I'm tired God.  Please help me

Exhaustion

God help me...I don't know if I will ever feel human ever again.  The mental energy is energy is there, though seriously restricted.  It is the physical body which cannot act as a vehicle for any of my mental energy.  It literally takes all my energy just to type, and all I want to do is lie down and sleep.  Speaking of vehicles, I figured out today that my truck registration is overdue.  The registration is a perfect example of how I am not able to function when I am on these drugs.  I remember a couple of weeks ago, thinking for the first time that I had to move on the registration.  But it totally eluded my consciousn mind, until today, when I looked and realized I was already delinquent.  So I have to take care of that first thing tomorrow.  I don't know how I can take care of anything as doped up as I am.  But life doesn't stop, just because I feel too sick and drained to function. 

I saw a kickball game while I went for a brief walk in the park.  It was a coed teenage game, and I envied them, and their energy as they played.  Before I was forced into risperdone and depakote, I was force fed speed, and possibly other psychotropic drugs which left me feeling like a drained, enervated senior citizen.  That is the way I feel---like a senior who cannot even get up the energy to walk a mile.  God help me.  Please God free me from these people who are doping me against my will, and give me my energy, my life, my vitality, and my joy back to me again....

Starting to Feel like a recording

11-6

I am so tired of feeling this exhaustion which steals all my energy.  I don't think that people believe me when I tell them how bad I really feel, but I am not exaggerating.  If anything, I underplay how badly I really feel (always the one who keeps pushing on, no matter how much I am suffering).  I believe that the drugs are not supposed to have these type of side effects, but they are.  I don't know if it is my autism or the hormonal problems caused by my intersexed condition.  All I know is that I cannot function with those drugs inside of me.  Today, the big challenge was riding my bike a few blocks to the bank.  Even now, my arms have the heaviness which makes it so difficult to lift my arms to type.  My mom is mad at me.  Dr H is mad at me. They think that I am having some kind of hysterical response to these drugs, but I am not.  I respect and care for both of these people, but I don't know how to get them to recognize, that no matter how implausible, these drugs are having a terrible negative drag on me....

Getting sicker

11/6/06

Well, the best game of the season is on, along with my favorite commentator (John Madden), and I am too sick to even watch it.  I am suffering from the exact same symptoms that I suffered from when I was forcefed lithium.  I am suffering from that generalized weakness that I feel especially powerful in my joints, which totally stole my strength away last time.  I tried to go to the gym earlier today, and could only do 15 minutes on the treadmill, when I had to give up and go home.  I drove to Red Lobster for dinner, and my knees and legs were so weak that I put the transmission in park mode, while I waited for the light to change.  This morning while calling in to the unemployment line, my arms were so weak that it was a genuine hardship to hold the cellphone up to my ear. 

But right now, it is more than the physical symptoms which bother me--it is the mental and emotional ones.  That is why I cannot watch the game.  It is like I am in an alienated cocoon, and feel nothing--no joy, no excitement, no happiness.  The two top quarterbacks in football are dueling it out in a fast paced pointfest, and I may as well be watching golf.  When I feel this messed up on drugs my memory goes, and I cannot remember the word that I really want.

What I do know though, is that I am "penalized" for emotions (much the same way that I was when I was forced to take lithium).  If  I experience even a little bit of emotion, I feel a "rush" attack my brain, and the weakness assail my body.  This isn't normal and I know it.  I suspect my autism (or maybe something even more idiosyncratic), but I do know that my body will never adjust to these medications.  God help me in the next few weeks.  I hope I don't end up in the hospital.  Even the surgery Dr. H recommends for my eyes is only necessary because the psychotropic drugs are messing up my eyes.  time to lay down.  God help me

Chemical Castration

11/4/06---

I have a very short time frame in which to write---before I have to take 2 mg of Respirodal (spelling?--I sure as fuck don't care.  I don't intend to take the poison long enough to matter) and 250 mg of Depakote.  Why am I taking them?  The answer to that is longer than I have time for today.  I just want to document the destructive side effects that these drugs have on me.  They turn me into a zombie during the day.  I see people around me who are happy and joyous and able to interact with the reality around them, and I am incredibly sad because when I am on these meds, I cannot do so. 

It also is having the same damaging effect on me physically that it had in the hospital---increasing my resting heart rate and creating a real malaise-like drag that leaves me without energy, ambition, or drive.  I just want to sleep.  Yesterday, during my workout, my normal cardio routine on the machines---3 miles in 30 minutes was completely disrupted.  I did not check my resting heart rate, but I could tell it was greatly elevated because working out in the fatburning zone really slowed me down.  I couldn't even break a sweat.  I kept checking my jugular pulse, and was scared how fast my heart was pounding when I wasn't even sweating.  But it took every bit of energy I had just to go 35 minutes.  Like last year, when I felt much the same way, while being force-fed lithium, I couldn't help but envy the people around me, who were able to really jump into their workout with healthy push and vitality.  I'm so sick of  feeling like an invalid.  I continue to suffer from the heaviness in my limbs.  I don't know when I am going to be healthy again.

Then, there are the mental problems caused by the drugs---especially the loss of my dreams (I'm not dreaming, or if I am, I cannot remember them when I wake up).  This is unacceptable, as my dreams are important for guiding me.  I can't pray.  I don't have the concentration.  I can only read for brief periods of time.  Again, my concentration is practically nil.  And my memory is starting to suffer in the same way it did when I was on lithium.   Currently, I am reading Sangharishita's Survey of Buddhism.  He was writing of vipassana meditation.  So yesterday, I did an internet search for vipassana, and remember that I  found what Iwas looking for.  This morning I started reading again, and ran into the vipassana referrence again, and for the life of me, I cannot remember what I learned in yesterday's search.  At all. 

This is a huge handicap.  A big part of my intelligence has to do with my prodigious memory.  I have an incredible capacity for short term memory, and normally am constantly thinking about topics that I am currently reading about.  This is also the source of my concentration. I cannot ooncentrate or think when I am on these meds, and I am turned into a very average intelligence kind of person.  Now, I am afraid to apply for a challenging job with my mind like this (I want a tech support position).  I don't believe I have the mental capacity right now to successfully understand and complete a rigorous training.

Before I leave I want to say why I am re-reading Survey of Buddhism.  My inner voice told me to, before I got all doped up on these drugs.  "SB", along with The Science of Yoga,  were read at a really fruitul time in my college career.  I had just finished reading St. John of the Cross' classical works as well as The Cloud of Unknowing, and I was so struck by the similarities  that I started immediately re-reading the Christian classics along with the Buddhist/Yoga texts.  The big difference is that the Christian authors are more poetical in tone and prose, while the Eastern authors are more analytically conceptual in their description of essentially the same reality, which could be called meditation or contemplation.  I was also sitting in half lotus (I could do that back then and even occasionally hit a full lotus), every day for 20 minutes.  These books enabled me to rein in my "monkey mind" for the first time in my life.

My mind is not in good shape right now.  I can clearly recognize that.  I know too, that much of my current "monkey mind" is a result of the damage done by the lithium.  I have to get my clarity of mind back and the books/meditation practice can help me, but they are severely undermined by the psychotropic drugs I currently am forced to take.  Interestingly enough, "the thoughts" that the drugs are supposed to curb, rule with even greater intensity when I am drugged.  What the drugs impact is my impact to creatively write/transform/understand my thoughts.  I am so messed up.  God help me.

Didn't get to my eyes, but clearly these drugs have a terrible impact on my eyes as well....

more on psychotropic drugs

11/02/06

I still am being force-fed psychotropic drugs, with ever increasing sophistication.  I have just been released from an enforced stay at a psychiatric hospital.  Today is the first day in 3 or 4 weeks that I have felt "normal", healthy, and just really good about myself and my ability to function in the world.  After weeks, and even months of being force-fed drugs, there is no doubt in my mind how terribly destructive they are to my physical, psychological, and emotional state of being.  Even now, I feel so clear-minded, goal oriented, and energetic for the first time in a long time.  I can actually "read" for the first time in weeks---both with appropriate physical focus and my nomally formidable mental concentratio.

All this being said, I am really sad that this brief respite is going to end very soon.  As part of the agreement to release me from involuntary incarceration, I agreed to take a month of the drugs, and today I will start again.  I am very afraid that they are going to land me back in the hospital with serious and possibly life threatening consequences from cerebral edema.  Now that I have been two days off the drug, the buzz in my ears and the constant headache and malaise have significantly decreased.  I know though, that as soon as I start taking the drug again, it is going to increase again dramatically.  I can definitely (if subjectively), link the increase of csf pressure to taking Risperdol, not to mention all the other side effects---the malaise, the lethargy, the inability to focus, to concentrate, to even read, just an overall state of feeling awful---like I have the flu times three.  But I cannot get anyone, not even Dr. Huaman (who has been monitoring my eyes for months now, and who should surely be able to see the differences in my eyes when psychotropic drugs are introduced into my system), to concur.  So I am truly screwed.  I could fight it viciously, but what is the point?  First of all, I gave my mother my word, and I am a person who honors her word.  Secondly, there is nothing I can do to prevent these people from doping me up without my consent.  I am still in constant leg nerve pain from the surreptitious doses of speed that they give me.  I don't think my leg will ever be normal again.  So the lesson has been duly appropriated---forced drugs cause permanent body damage.  I just fear that taking these psychotropic drugs are going to cause permanent damage in the month before I can honorably stop taking them.  But I am tired of fighting---even for my own life and health.  I just want this over with asap so I can ahead with my normally healthy and vigorous life.  So it may be a while, before I write anything of substance.

Before I go, I guess I should talk about what is going on with my legal problems with Augusta filing a total bogus criminal complaint against me.  I am very disappointed with the whole AOL scene.  I am tired of making apologies for them.  I just read Mary Cheney's (she is on their board) autobiography (in about 30 minutes---that is how much substance it had), and it is clear that they are only interested in the most superficial facets of leadership.  Most specifically, they are looking for people who can act as power brokers with the political scene, rather than the mature character and vision of true leadership.

I know that the world is poised for cataclysmic changes that is going to change our perception of who and what we are, and most specifically our androcentric arrogance, and perception of reality.  I  have insight into the matter, but at this point, I am unwilling write it down.  And given that the next month, I will be too sick to do much more than write down my symtomology (to preserve a record), it will have to wait for at least a month.

One last little note--I have started taking Relacore again.  I found out that it has 4 mg of DHEA in each capsule which is a small dosage, but which has a huge impact on me.  I still have peach fuzz on my face from the first time I took it.  But the alternative is equally unappealing.  My weight problem is intractable, and I can always get the hair removed surgically later.  I'd rather have facial hair removed medically than eye surgery--optic nerve sheath fenestration.  So I am going to give it my best shot, and see if I can avoid having eye surgery.  My prospects are not good