Pain.

Pain--so much fluid on my body that it hurts to walk, to live, to breathe. I can't walk. I half hobble, half waddle as I try to accomodate intense pain in legs, nerve pain, stabbing, fiery pain in legs, where the implants are, and in my hip joints and pelvic girdle where all the excess fluid is putting pressure. My shoulder joints also are so painful, they don't want to move. My left arm feels useless and both hands are swollen and arthritic. My back muscles are spasmed like never before. Just want t o lay in bed and sleep but got to get up and take care of things. Just hurts so much to walk. Cranky, unable to stand any stupidity--think its the goddamned psychtoropics messing with serontonin. When are these fuckers going to understand that I am not a normal brained person and the downloads they think are within human toleration (for the rest of their WILLING guinea pigs) is extremely painful, stressful and debilitating to the point of non-functioning for my brain. Dreamed the other night that one day all these dna changes these fucking rapists are doing to me will be overturned. for now, just got to get up and fucntion

Swollen to the point of popping

Swollen to the point of popping--face swollen, belly bloated, legs in neuropathic pain, brain and eyes hurt from excess cranial fluid...After a horrible painfilled night I just long for death. I am so tired of suffering, of being miserable, of being enslaved by these Illuminati torturers. God, how I desperately long to be free, free of the implants, the mind control, the ELF torture, the never ending pain and muscle spasms. I pray and pray for freedom, even if it means death, for death is preferable to the slave life that I lead. God help me.

So very very sick

So very very sick for the past two-three days. Unable to move sick. Unable to function sick. Goddamned illuminati (oh yes, I recognize that a lot of the satanists and christofascists in the roman catholic church are actually freemason/knights templar luciferians) are throwing every kind of psychotropic drug in the world at me. My suffering over the past 2-3 days has been unimagibable. No one could live with the hellacious suffering, pain, and psychotic alienation caused by the drugs as I have. But guess what fuckers, I have! And I will continue to fight you as long as I breathe and live. So motherfuckers go ahead and kill me, because every day I live and think (which is all I can do when I am so fucked up that i cannot even move, I become more angry and confirmed in my hatred for you, and resistance to your anti-human, luciferian agenda.
I dreamed over two weeks ago that the goddamned pieces of shit would be making my life hell with the goddamned trip to the space station. From there they can attempt to hijack my brain (how's that working out for ya, you pieces of goddamned, worthless shit). Not too well, I would guess by the extra psychotropics that have been thrown at me. You can throw every drug in the world at me, you can touch my body and cause suffering and pain to a torturuous degree of agony, you can destroy my mind, but you can never touch my free spirit. I will fight you and your pathetic, occultic worship and agenda with every breath I take.
But their brain hijacking and ELF (electromagnetic frequency manipulation is taking their toll--it is taking its toll on me, and to a much more successful degree on people of weaker character. I feel especially sorry for the victims of the Huntsvill Ala professor. From the little I have been able to gather, she is a lifelong victim of the Illuminati, having been unfortunate enough to be born in an Illuminati family. I am sure that she has suffered from severe neurosis her entire lige but the latest targeting sent her over the edge.
Every day I live, I understand more, but am unable to do much more than try to get up every morning and function. My house is a complete mess, but I am unable to wash a dish or cook. I've been living on tv dinners. I can barely walk. My legs are so neuropathic that I can hardly bear the pain, sitting, much less walking, and my joints and pelvic girdle are stiffened by the drugs in an unnatural position, so that I can only drag my lims about a foot at a time. but the one thing that increases every day is my resolve against these christofascists (I am wondering who to blame more for my current suffering--the political fascists or the religious ones--doesn't really matter, as in the tortures of the Inquistion, pathetic wrecks of male humanity (funny how both freemasons, knight templars and christofascists insist on male only exclusivity--and how the humans from the future in which they triumph are no longer capable of physical creation, as they have completely destroyed the feminine principle through their male domination) from both sides conspire to destroy the voice of God and humanity. Well the only way to destroy my voice motherfuckers is to kill me. Every day I live I understand more, and pray to God for the strength to fight you.

In severe physical pain and psychic rage

In severe physical pain and psychic rage over continuing drugging. In addition to the neverending goddamned psychotronic implants that release virus to change my RNA/DNA so that the goddamned luciferians/satanists can point to a "new man" (the true horror and scope of that hubris and evil faithlessness, I will save for another time), I have some other drug in me that is completely draining all my energy. Just getting up in the morning takes all energy and effort. The house is a mess but I am too fucked up to do anything about it. My belly is ice cold and I know when my belly is cold that I can not get out of my head/fantasies. Its easier to stay in the head when I have no energy to do anything at all, and body is so weak that I can barely stand, or my arms can't hold a light fixture in place for two minutes while I change out a bulb. But, the worst of all, to add insult to injury, is the physical pain I am in. The goddamned psychotronic drugs cause sinus problems. I realized years ago whenever an implant download was about to occur because I would always start dripping with a runny nose, an instant before being hit by the migraine. Well that continues to occur, and now there is so much dripping and drainage in my left sinus and lymph nodes that it is putting unbearable pressure on my upper tooth, creating a hellacious tooth and jaw ache. I can't even bear to put on headphones. I can't chew on the left side. I am in constant agony. I haven't been to a dentist in nearly six years but I know it is not a tooth problem though if the pressure does not ease, sooner or later the pressure and inflammation will create one. There is no point in going to a doctor. It is not a sinus infection. The pressure is caused solely by the never ending goddamned drugs and brain implant downloads that are destroying my body, creating never ending pain, permanent damage, and loss. I apray at night for this nightmare that is my life to be over. It is too much to expect anyone to endure what I have had to endure for the last 12 years at the hands of the christofascists, and the last 5 years at the hands of the NWO luciferians/satanists. My tooth/jaw hurts so bad. How can I endure it. No pain pills. No chance of any medical treatment. Just never ending suffering. Yes i long for death..

Massive headache

Massive headache after a truly horrible night. Hard to keep eyes open. It is really bad when I drive--eyes want to stay shut. I think i figured it out. I havea an intermittently occuring large and quite noticeable "bump" on my head where I remember Dr. Huaman told me that my neural visual center is. It is like the concussion bump I carried for about two weeks after my car accident. The thing is that it swells and recedes. Now it is about the size of a nickel and slightly raised but it can be quite pronounced--larger than a walnut with its skin on. Needless to say that I am also suffering from an incredible headache--tightness and pain across the back of head and forehead. Too sick to barely function, and incredibly cranky as I deal with the nonstop pain. So goddamned funny how these stupid ass opus dei, wanna be, selfproclaimed christians think that this kind of pain and suffering leads to conversion. i tell u waht leads to conversion--joy, intenisty of life, and engagement with reality. not lieing there suffering with pain, eyes shut and asheet wrapped around the head. But the goddamned morons still are on thier sutpidass kick that i am schizphrenic and if i just would admit it, then God can swoop in, and make me like them--truly psycotic--but in a banal way of denying the unconxcious rather than being controlled by it. fr mcnamara alreayd tried that tired trick look where it got him (better yet look where it got me--FAR FAR AWAY). but the goddamned stupidass morons never lern. still trying trick. WELL GUESS WHAT RATZINGER, OPUS DEI, SLI, AND ALL YOU STUPID ASS GODDAMNED CATHOLICS WHO NOTHING OF CHRIST--I WILL NEVER SUPPORT YOU OR YOUR WARPED VERSION OF REALITY. too sick to go on much further. i expect to have a really bad week0--stupid ass shuttle is going on again.

Nothing but bad news

Nothing but bad news--dragging myself to public library as I am so drugged that it is a struggle to put on clothes, stand up, walk. Just want to lay in bed and fantasize. Need to shop, do laundry, move on computer, but am barely functional. im driving when im so drfugged i shouldnt be on road. at nite, i have to put up with the electrical jolts ever few seconds to my body. just want to be drugged up all the time so i dont have to feel this alienation of self from body and spirit. legs are so neuropathic that i am damaging ligaments tendons as I walk. i cant feel the damage till done. have to try to stay positive even tho id int get job offfer i whope i would get. honestly, im too drugged to hold a job.

Hell nite, psychotic day

Hell nite, psychotic day as once again the GODDAMNED CHRISTIANS are force feeding me psychotropics. I forced myself to shuffle to library so i could write this. so goddamamned druged i coulnt turn right on red. cannot handle any kind of stimuli, like looking for opposing cars. hurts to write because whatever drug i am on is making my bicepts hurtso bad that turning the steering wheel is like lifting two humdred pounds in weights (forget wht they r called--brain cant remember). once again i am getting hate stares from people--tells me that they think i am mentally ill, and they are half right---right now i am in psychotic frame of mind, barely abvle to function. couldnt even read for fifteen minustes i watied for computer. also, i am forcing myself to stay mellow when truth is iam so full of rage i want to samsh and destroy everything in sight. my poor filthy ouse--has all kinds of propls abviable. better than last nmite when i wanted to slice my arms to ribbons---so full of anger and desperate need to get out of my drug induced psychotically alienated body.
This shit started yesterday. i know when i am alienated from my own body by drugs. and i know when it is confirmed by other people and animals. poor dog, yesterday, was lame and limping, but desperated to get away from the psychotic human she saw coming up stairs behind her. i couldnt even do yoga yesterday. my arms were so weak and trembling from whatever drug i was on, i couldnt hold arms in a fourpoint position on hands and knees. so i spent the last 15 mins flat on back, completely unable to do any knind of move or pose for the last 20 minutes. Some people might think i am having an out of body experience. i dont think so. i was having an "alienated from body" experience. this is what lead one open to demonic possession--which i think is an outcome some would like to see.
Excpet for the goddamned christians who i believe is rsponsible for my agonizing night of pain and brain/nervous system rushes that kept me awake and longing for suicide all nite, and now is responsible for fact that i am not funcitonal in reality. i am so pissed at myself for shaking the goddamned pricks hand. my instincts told me that he was just another christian abuser/torturer but i didnt want to be rude, esp. sinmce he was the only man, so i shook his hand. bill tim, dic or prick, whatever your name was, i want nothing of your goddamned torture and saassement of me. AGET IT CHRISTAINS--AI WATNT FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING ANY OF YOU! I have suffered for years at your goddamned abusive, patricarchal, controlling hands and I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. how many times do i have to fucking say it. how many nites do i got to go psychotically out of my mind? how many wasted YEARS of my life i have spent while you play your torture games on me. FUCKING PRICK. i hate you and i hate all your goddamned brothers. right now i hate my own jpsychotic self and psychotic alienated reality. i think they are doing it because they dont want me to do well at other options this week. in their stupid warped perveted reality, they want to control me to fit their expecatations/mold while i despise them. too goddamned sick to say whay i despise them, brain cant think and it hurt to type. hope i can function tomorrow. got things to do. know i wont be able ot goto yoga like this. arms cant type or turn steering whelel much less exercise. want to go to get one thing i know can knowck me out when my brain rushes like this in electrical/nervous system jerks--high proof alscohol. just got to put up with everybody thinking im schizoid. im not schixzoid juft drugged by goddamned abusive christians. GHO TO HELL, all al you