My fucking head

My fucking head--severe pain and migraines all day. forced myself to get up and go to dr for a problem ive had for years. It's a growth--i will have to get it removed. But it is not my toe that bothers me (I know my body would tell me if it waer malignant). It is my fucking head which is so damned sensitive, tender and sore. Earlier today i thought it would explode from all the the blood going to it. Im going to have to get some kind of migraine meds. the headaches im having are not bearable. As shittty as midrin makes me feel, at least it constricts the blood vessels. Im also worried about my eyes. They were so much better, but now im on some psychotropic drugs and it puts too much pressure in head and onmy eyes. I try to read, but it is impossible to concentrate with this kind of pain. It is the "speed" affect that I have experienced before. ADHD and speed makes it impossible to read. I want to shake all the shit out of my system, but head is so tender it hurts to shake it. doesnt want it. have to listen to body. I'm so fucking miserable with this shit. icant even listen to music. I cant tell if it is because the migraines just want to make me shut out all stimuli or if the psychotropics are just cocooning me from reality and life, vitality, soul and enjoyment. I'm startn to get the idea that once agins the goddamned religious nuts are lining up, ready to give the lobotomy so that i can be the lifeless, plaster saint they want. Sickening, pathetic. I read Hildegard von Bingen's wiki page yesterday. Boy, what a disgusting number some opus dei hack did on her. They took a brilliant, creative, and truly spiritual (highly idiosyncratic and defiant towards authority), and turned the article about her into a diatribe against gay sex and masturbation!!!! LOL. Only the goddamned fucked up totally unspiritual opus dei types could do that. LOL. So you can imagine what this rebellious lesbian is up against...Dumbasses have been wrong about me on every single issue, EVERY SINGLE TIME!! And they just keep doing the same old shit over and over again, thinking this time they will get their dead plaster cast saint. But all the drugs in the world can't turn me away from what i know in my heart--I am lesbian, and I am okay with it and so is God. Furthermore, because of my intrinsic and true nature, AND because I need emotional support and understanding in order to perform and succeed at my life mission, no true creative work is going to happen until that love and support is in place. I know this because it happened that way beofre with Colleen (I was getting ready to quit my job when i hooked up with her, and she stabilized me and allowed me a place to emotionally stay and recover so that I ended up working for five years), and because it is what I've been longing for for years now. I was never a celibate, but i was going to try to make that sacrifice believing all the stupid lies and ingesting all the guilt and self hatred the institutional church throws at people. Anyway too sick to write it all out. one day i hope to free, loved and supported. Spent all nite last nite playing solitaire. sign of an autistic mind. i m more obssessive compulsive thatn people realize and when i am autistic and can't read, i get caught into ovsessive compulsive loops and fantasies. Nothing for it. i really feel that the goddamned christians are working their own obsessive compulsives and forcing it down my throat.

was i wrong--another day in hell

was i wrong--another day in hell--so drugged im dysfucntional. too sick to care anymore. realize everything i do is a waste--trying to find job, yoga, everything a waste. i am set p to be some goddamned channeler and they dont care if they rape my mind body and sirit to do it. dont give a damne about my life, free choice or will. i am worse than a slave. im not even taken care of. too sick to do anything. exctpt fantasize about death....just saw face in mirror, grotesquely swollen and misshapen with sick psychotic pupils with no irises. so fucking derpressing to realize and know how desperately i need someone to love and support me and all i have is this whale of a body i can thank the goddamned catholicss and years of drugs for, and a face that doesnt even look human. no wonder why i feel like shit. nobody could handle the mount of fluid that is in my head right now. take all kinds of shit to go to sleep but i think tomorrow ber just as bad.

Energy work, don't lie

Energy work, don't lie--definitely on some kind of psychotropics. I started crying while trying to shake. Couldn't shake--that told me right then that something wasn't right, but when i started crying for no reason, i knew for sure that i am ot just low energy i am severely depressed. depressed to the point that i dont care about anything--job, family (what family?) relationsips (what relationships?), the relationships with the goddamned pricks who have destroyed my life and body....
Tell myself not to get sucical that it is all drugs but iam so tired of my life being this never ending shit and misery.

Head clear but body and spirit still tired and depressed

Head clear for the first time in days, but body and spirit still tired and depressed. I don't know if I still am being given some additional psychotropic like Depakote, or if the body is just completely wiped out and flattened from being yanked around from one drug to another, and is just responding to the vampiric implants that suck all the life and energy out of me. I can feel the implants in me by the weakness in my arms and legs (in my last yoga class on Saturday, I couldn't even hold my body up with my arms in plank position) and the constant, "hating-life" headache with my eyes slitted to keep out any stimuli. Well, okay, maybe I'm not in a recovery state, just a better state than the last two days from hell. I'm trying to listen to music to pump myself up, but there is no energy. I always know how fucked up I am when I cannot even respond to music. I'm pretty fucked up. My house is a wreck, total wreck. No matter how bad I feel, I need to move--just so hard to move when everything is so hard and dragging. Got to try to shake to clear out energy meriians.

hell nite

hell nite last nite as I understood how Jesus felt, asphysiating on the cross. I was so filled with fluid and muscle spasms that it hurt to breathe. I don't know if it was the spasm or thoracic fluid that caused the hell, but it was extremely painful. I nearly went to emergency room, since i could only breathe shallowly, and every time i took a regular pain, i suffered severe pain. this is hell. this is unbearable. woke up so fucked up , just wish to God i were dead because this kind of suffering is unbearable. is it related to the goddamned space shuttle. dont know dont care. just fucking miserable and wishing for death. i cant handle another nite like last night. imposible

The druggie doldrums continue

The druggie doldrums continue--I force myself to get up and move and do chores but all zip, enthusiasm and energy is gone. House is a mess, but takes too much effort to clean. Forced myself to cook becuse afraid meat would go bad. someone like the smell of it. wasnt sure if he was hugnry or not, its all good. i just need to get energy to clean house. bought some truck cleaning stuff but i cant clean disaster that tis house much less truck..

Still dragging

Still dragging from the time I get up to the time i go to bed. It is so hard to do anything. My house is a mess, I am not cooking, I just am kinda going thru life watching tv and sleeping. I want to be more active, but it is so hard to do anything at all. Fortunately, it is not hot yet. That is what I feel like--like I am living in 115 degree heat and it takes too much effort to move, or as if I am moderately hung over--not to the point of nausea, but to the point that i just don't give a f.... I finally broke down and took a pharmacy vitamin D pill. I don't know if or how they tampered with it, but it doesn't matter. I'm so drugged up anyway, what is a little more? Maybe it will make me sleep, which is the only thing I am living for right now. Had an interesting dream. I would interepret it, but I am so drugged that the brain can't put the images in rational format and thought. Maybe tomorrow.