Recovering

Recovering after a night of screaming-in-agony pain. I was suffering from retinal flashes behind both eyes, and my right eye was not able to see images in the dark at all. I was convulsing so badly that I was truly afraid that my neck vertebra (the one that has been relocated down lower by the PIB's) was going to snap. In my pain, I can literally feel where the Nazi doctors have cut me up, and it confirms what my inner voice has already told me--that I am going to suffer from serious, painful, and expensive medical complications for the rest of my life, because of the mutilation done to me. This morning, both my body and brain feel limp and unresponsive, as if I have just survived a terribly traumatic assault. And so I have. For the umpteenth time. I am in a lot of relatively recent nerve pain in my hips. I have suffered that excruciating nerve pain, ever since my trunk muscles were cut out, and the fat from my one time waist, transferred to my hips. With all the extra, redistributed fat, there is just too much pressure on my nerves. There is also too much pressure on my joints, because I have lost so much supporting musculature. Last night, I could feel the terrible pain in my right knee that occasionally grips me when working out--haven't felt pain in that knee since I quit doing aerobics years ago--poor knee--it has all its supporting musculature cut out. I tried to do a little yoga, but it is hard to be in a body that I no longer recognize as mine. Everytime I would go to feel the body/mind connection, I am reminded of how miserable the mutilated alien job has made me. I cannot do even simple, basic yoga moves that anyone off the street could, such as get the shoulders to lay flat while doing a simple twist with the legs. Still, I long for a chance to heal, but I am pretty certain that healing will never happen as long as the implants are in me. I saw from her recent spate of interviews that Nancy Pelosi has had her implants removed, and boy, what a difference that has made in her self-presentations and verbal exposition. For years now, commentators have remarked on the disconnect between her body language and her words--she is an Italian, and they should work naturally, in good harmony. She would often come across as flaky and erratic, and I remember Larry King, the ultimate softball king, getting upset with her, because she was incapable of processing the easy question and formulating an appropriate answer. It was the implants. Nancy Pelosi is a highly intelligent woman, and like me, I think she is naturally hyperactive, but, just as happened with me to some extent, the implants turned her hyperactive verbal fluency into neurotic, and flaky as hell jerkiness. Towards the end, I think they were also beginning to cause brain damage to the point that her verbal ability was no longer commensurate with that of a public speaker. Maybe that is why the PIB's agreed to the implant removal. Or, maybe she made a deal with them to get them removed. In either case, I am happy for her, because she was accelerating down the path of irretrievable brain damage, and now she seems so much more centered and rational. Of course it is a little late, and the damage has already been done--there is no question in my mind that the emotional disconnects resulting from the brain implants severely hampered her effectiveness as speaker of the House, not to mention that they contributed to the really poor decisions she has made in the last few years. Also, I do not envy her the crushing bad karma and guilt that she will carry for a very long time. I cannot make any deal or cooperate with the PIB's--I am too aware of how powerfully evil and nefariously hateful they really are. So I will continue to suffer--how long I can continue with these kind of traumatic assaults on a weakened body, I do not know. For, despite my resistance, the implants hamper me as well. There is a powerful lot going on this weekend and my mind has several lines of inquiry it wants to pursue, but I am just too limp, both physically and mentally, to do much more than move in slow motion....

Just a thought re: previous post...

Just a thought re: previous post...I am wondering if Bill Clinton's recent behavior--partying like a frat boy while Haiti, (his "adopted" nation and proud responsibility), is in crisis is the result of sophisticated mind control victimization. I know, that, at first, this sounds ridiculous, but bear with me a little bit. Americans sooner or later, are going to have to accept the realization that JFK was our last "real" president, as we imagine them--the leaders who weigh and make the decisions. Since then, every single president has been deeply compromised by the covert intimidation and coercion of rogue security intelligence agencies, and powerful corporate forces that they may barely glimpse. This is not a moral failing, insofar as one actively and knowingly cooperates with the rogue and sinister cabal. LBJ was completely owned by them. I think Nixon tried to fight back, and his impeachment may have been the end result (any president can be impeached a dozen times over, if the ruling powers decide that it is time to go)Jimmy Carter was a deeply moral man, but could only muster occasional attacks against the cabal (such as when he implicitly "sanctioned" the raid against the Dulce aliens, to free the human slaves there, bucking Brzinski--a high ranking luciferian/satanist, who of course, was complicit in the knowledge and operation of Dulce--to do so). I am sorry to disappoint all the Reagan lovers, but he was way out the loop. One day, I might try to write a fair expose of the Reagan administration as I see it. But I didn't need his son to tell me that his mind wasn't really all that aware of the subtlties and complexities of what actually was going on. It bothers me to see people venerate him, because I suspect him of a really terrible mortal sin, which I won't go into right now...The Bush family are one of the top families of the cabal, and Poppy Bush got involved in the deep shit as a young agent in Dealey Plaza. His son, George Bush Jr., I think, aspired and wanted to be a better man than his father, but he had neither the character or the sophisticated intellect to fight back. I saved Bill Clinton for last, because I think Bill Clinton is the only real President we have had in the last 50 years who actually was able to fight back against the cabal in a sustained way. I think that he was able to do it because of his incredible intellect, his superb political skills, and because of the deeply supportive companionship of his soul mate, Hillary Clinton. Now, I know that the Clintons do not have a traditional, patriarchal marriage--they are not complents to each other, but rather intellectual and spiritual partners of the highest order. This relationship was important because Washington DC is such a corrupt snakepit, full of hidden conspiracies and rogue actions, that I think it was very helpful that he had an equally incisive and intelligent mind to figure out what was really going on, probe for a optimal solution, and then execute the plan. For understand one thing, 10 years as an Arkansas governor did not prepare the Clintons for what really is going on in Washington, for they were not "in the loop" of the evil reality that is running the government. Nor, do I think, were they prepared for the gross immorality of the Washington cabal, which literally murders with impunity to achieve their end. I know the conspiracy sites are full of hints that Clinton murdered Vince Foster, but I am a pretty good judge of character, and I don't think Bill Clinton is a murderer. I also come from a small town, like Bill did, and I went to school with people who had been together as friends and classmates from first grade to graduation, just as he and Foster had done, and I know from personal experience of the culture, that it would take a really pathological character to murder a friend that you had known since you were six. Bill has his pathologies, and I am going to get to that in a moment, but I really do feel compassion for him and Jimmy Carter because I think they got thrown into a snakepit with no handholds or ropes to lead them out. (The Bushes were right at home in the snakepit, and Reagan thought the snakes were all his good buddies and patrons who were taking really good care of America while he kept the country entertained with his acting skills and avuncular quips). Vince Foster WAS murdered. A lot of people were murdered in the Clinton Admn, just as a lot of people are being murdered now, and maybe I should write more often, but I don't reveal much, because I don't want people to know what I am thinking, until I flash a hand full of aces). I suspect that Foster was murdered because he was on a secret mission, trying to outmaneuver the cabal, from Bill Clinton, and I suspect that Clinton probably feels pretty bad and guilty about that. The bottom line is that the Clintons were thrown into a rotten, corrupt cesspool that they only dimly began to understand in the latter years of their second term. Did they get involved in dirty politics? Hell yeah, they did, because Washington is a dirty place, and they were actually fighting to implement their vision and policies, instead of letting the rogue cabal dictate the terms (and I am not talking about legislation here; I am talking about the secret stuff hardly anyone knows about). I know that they have got some shit sticking to them, but that is because they found themselves paddling for their literal lives, in a sea of shit, and when you are bailing out your boat ain sea of shit, some of it is going to get on you. I'm just grateful that while they were out on the prow, bailing out the shit, to keep the boat afloat, somebody like me, who can't abide the stench of shit, was allowed to keep my place in the nice safe hold (didn't last for long--now I live in a shitstorm too, paddling for my life..,.oh well, so much for being "safe").
Now, having said that, I also believe that Bill Clinton was groomed by the cabal, and especially the Rockefellers, from a very young age to be President (the particulars I don't know--some historian can figure it out). As an ESSENTIAL part of the grooming process, he was set up to be blackmailed, from his college years. Nobody, but nobody, becomes president unless they can be blackmailed by the rogue cabal which controls the money and the media that are the prime movers in our electoral process. I said earlier that Bill Clinton has his pathologies--he is a deeply dysfunctional sex addict. I suspect that this weakness was discovered early on by his handlers, and exploited and nutured until it became a full blown monster. That dirty little secret was all in the family until Bill and Hillary successfully pushed back against the Rockefellers and the cabal, and then, it became time to get rid of him, just like they did with Nixon a score earlier. But Bill is a resourceful and wily politician and weathered the Lewinsky scandal, albeit personally scarred and politically handicapped. Why were the Rockefellers/cabal so angry at Bill that they moved to punish their favorite adopted "son", and then fought with every weapon at their disposal, ten years later, to prevent Hillary from getting the nomination. Because the cabal knew, from bitter experience, that neither Bill nor Hillary could be trusted to do what they were told, but honestly and truly cared about the American people, AND were effective in fighting for us against the cabal which has literally been trying to destroy us since JFK's assassination. They were especially furious because Bill Clinton successfully fought back against them and the military to start a war in Afghanistan, because the cabal wanted to build a pipeline through there. Sound familiar? How many lives have been lost and how many hundreds of billions spent on that war in the last eight years, once the cabal got their hands on a "yes-man" to start their dirty, little war for them? By the way, I got that little gem of basically unknown information (which hit an immediate "ping" in my intuition when I read it) from a stated critic of Bill Clinton, Karl Schwarz, I think, but don't quote me on it.

Now, having said all this, I wonder if Bill Clinton surreptitiously has been mind controlled by the cabal--not nowhere near the extent that Obama has, but enough so that he sabotages himself every time that he starts to become a real threat. I saw a video of Bill Clinton, posted by someone who really is not a friend of humanity, and he claimed that it was proof of mind control. I am not going to look up that video to present my case, but I thought the poster made an effective point. It definitely was creepy, and it looked authentic, but I wasn't convinced that it wasn't a splice job. Still, at all levels of government and military, these sophisticated luciferians/satanists are able to use mind control techniques of every level, with practiced ease, and they would have had access to Clinton in his early years before he was hip to those kind of things. I really do believe that they are significantly responsible for his sex addiction (it's easy to hook a young man that way; just set a lot of trained honeytraps for him), but what if they took it to another level actually placed a word or image that is a "trigger" to set it off. Now, I am not naive. I know that most sex addicts have voracious sexual appetites without any mind control training or triggers (JFK is a perfect example of that), but remember, Bill has been badly burned by his sex addiction, both politically and in his family life, through both his wife and daughter. He is a highly intelligent and disciplined man, and furthermore, he is at the age when he knows that he has to monitor his health. So, it seems odd to me that he would go chasing the party scene with "youngster" athletes when our country, and the country of Haiti (which I know he cares deeply about) is in crisis. So, my question is, "was there a mind control trigger, used so that he would act out in self-sabotaging and self-destructive behavior?" Maybe Bill Clinton was in Florida because he was dealing with the Haiti issue, but his behavior seems reckless and out of control to me, and that does not often happen to a man of his stature and giftedness. (Interestingly enough, the following night, there were reports of Obama dancing with three democratic partners, Pelosi and two other congresswomen in a whirlwind twirl to "I want to rock with you." Did the cabal trigger BOTH of them to act out like that, while it pulls the strings of us poor unsuspecting puppets? Just seems odd to me). Of course, it is always possible that this behavior is not the result of a specialized mind control trigger, but is just the result of a more mundane and natural trigger such as emotional stress. Happens to addicts all the time... Well, I know that Bill is surrounded by people who love, care for, and respect him, so I hope that they are monitoring him and taking good care of him. Our country needs all the patriots and statesmen--and stateswomen--it can get--in sound physical, mental and emotional health.

I must insist that nobody get excited about this--this is just the meandered musings of a woman who is sleep deprived and who has been seriously drugged all day. I don't believe or think that mind control is happening...I'm just pondering the possiblity...

Stoned

Stoned on some drug for much of the day--I mean, literally, I thought I was high on pot, especially when I went driving. I haven't been that stoned since my 20's when the last thing I remember before the lights of L.A was the I-10 overpass at Ontario. After the last few years of being drugged on every psychotropical chemical imaginable, and never knowing when another download is going to hit, I have become adept at driving under unbeknownst chemical influence. Stay focussed on the space in front of you, drive very slowly so you have reaction time, talk to yourself out loud about the lights so you can stay focussed on them and see when they change before you run a red light (especially with those damned camera tickets). Not ideal at all, but even though I knew I was high as a kite, I didn't realize how seriously impacted my senses were until I started driving. Everyone else knew though. The PNM meter reader started pawing me when I asked him a question. You know, drunk women are available women (LOL). I didn't mind--I was too looped out. I got a hate stare from a soliciting drunk--and he never even approached me--but I could read his mind. He thought I was a lush like his own self and he was hating me for it! I had wanted to go pick up some meds, but I was too drugged, but once I started driving, I saw the gas tank was on E, and I knew that I had to get gas. I started to play with my new digital camera and took it with me in hopes of starting to practice in earnest, but I was too drugged to do anything. I am too drugged to focus or read (you know, I can't even hold a book up anymore with my arms all chopped off and soldered back on, so as to meet the Nazi Mengelian specs), but just as with a marijuana high, there's little outrage and anger. I just keep stumbling through life, hoping for a break, and disappointed every time I see indications of NWO resurgence, and I certainly have seen that today.
Jeffrey Immelt of GE is the new main handler of Obama for the puppetmaster. The good guys were corraling Obama fairly well, but now Immelt (Soros must have forgiven Obama for his rank incompetency, or another heavyweight is moving Soros' high level pieces). Do not forget that Immelt was part of the business entourage that accompanied Obama to India. Just a strong suspicion that every single executive involved in that trip to India, is a treasonous traitor who knew of Obama's/the cabal's plans to destroy America with dirty bombs and tsunamis, and were looking to run and start afresh their high-profit empires from Asia, while the vast multitude of America starved and drowned. The corporate rape of America by these fascists is just beyond belief. I saw a piece on Boeing receiving 1 billion dollars for a totally dud Mexican border fence. It was supposed to be a dud! I bet it was over 900 million dollars in sheer profit for Boeing and their shareholders.

Then the political scene is starting to show a strong shift of support for the NWO/cabal. C-Span just ran a state of the union address from Poppy Bush! The polls are "indicating" (ie, leading the unwitting American public by a hidden halter) that Mitt Romney is the new Republican front runner. Romney is the cabal's choice for president, and he will be the figurehead, while the Bush family and their best buds run the white house with help from Romney's anticipated personal handler, would-be veep, Jeb Bush. I saw Geraldo prepping the field for "good ole JB", with an interview and high praise. I am not a republican, but Romney, Bush, Gingrich are all either ineffective figureheads or deeply corrupted by the cabal. Speaking of corruption, Baby Doc is managing to peer through his near catatonic drug haze to speak of his desire to help Haiti rebuild (LOL). But his presence is an important piece of strategy for the cabal, and there seems to be little resistance. Bill Clinton, who has held the title of most sincere spokesman for Haiti, is partying with NFL prima donna entertainers into the wee hours of the morning. WTF, Bill? What did you do now?

Then there is the little, mostly unknown appeal of Amanda Knox in the Italian judicial system. This woman is a psychopathic murderer from a satanic family, who not only deprived an innocent woman of her life, and the family of her presence, but she also destroyed the life of her boyfriend. HE was the one who was the basically good kid who got roped into her sex games, and ultimately a tortuous murder, all because of a blind, youthfully stupid infatuation. I followed this trial from its earliest time, because I remember when the press originally started fawning all over her, proclaiming her innocence. So I looked into it with an open mind, and I was SHOCKED by the depth of depravity I found in her, as revealed in her truly psychopathic style of writing, her demeanor, and the demeanor of her family. Maybe having worked in the justice system helps me to see right through these people,and maybe I am oversensitive because I have suffered so much blatantly outrageous injustice at the hands of others, but it really bugs me when people flaunt and escape justice. Maybe they are rich and/or powerful, and can literally get away with egregious felonies, maybe they get off because of their race(OJ Simpson in LA county), or as ALMOST happened, in this young girl's case, because they are attractive. Most good people seem incapable of seeing beyond the surface of individuals who are truly depraved and evil, and young Amanda (and her family, from what I saw of them) fits this category. Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind that this woman comes from a high level satanic/Illuminati family, and powers that be have moved everything to free her. As a matter of fact, if memory serves me correctly, I think I remember that the Vatican got involved to have this murderer's case appealed. I think that it is important for these satanically bloodlined families to show that they can protect their own. The stupidass patriarchal men want to say I am sexist or hateful to men--BULLSHIT. If that siren goes scot free to continue to live a life of pathological criminality, while her basically decent boyfriend languishes for decades in prison, I will be furious! Don't look at people's outsides--I don't care if she appears a demure and attractive young woman--train your eyes to look at their insides. And speaking of that, there is another evil woman peddling her lies and her tears on the web right now--I have seen her on two separate MSM websites, and it makes me sick, and I long for justice to be done, but there is nothing for it, at this time, except in prayers and meandering blogging (I told you I was stoned!)
One last thing, I am really tired--the fucking PIB's interfered with my REM sleep last night, I think. I didn't dream at all--but not in a restful way, but in a deprived way. I hope this doesn't happen again tonight--maybe my inability to dream (and God knows I need to dream; I always have had a need to dream, even as a young child), is why I feel so high. Certainly the brain rushes started happening again last night, but I got up. Anyway, I hope I can sleep right tonight...

severely depressed again

severely depressed again--know I am on drugs because i am thinking of slicing my arms up again. talked to Dale and tried to workout but nothing can override the fucking luciferian drugs. dont know what the fuck i got in me--hard to open eyes respond to reality, but it could just be viral downloads. so much fluid on me that i am in severe pain. thankx to the goddamned butchers i am carrying more fat on my hips (moved from natural location on my now-amputated lat muscles. extra fat causes too much pressure on hip nerves--severe pain. maybe these drugs is why i am so depressed. hard to work out but tried, but had to leave because i started bawling as i realized the full extent of my irreplaceable loss as I was lifting. whole body is fucked up. worried about knees--lost supporting muscle tissue, now there is a lot of pain. worried about belly fat--absolutely no muscles there in abs at all. motherfuckers removed them all. with all these drugs i cant but help gain weight. have told myself there is nothing i can do about it so dont cry over it. wait till i get my revenge--and I will--you motherfuckers. I am going to sue you for every goddamned penny that i can get, for the hell that you have made of my life for over a dozen years. then I am going to open an organization of TRUE spirituality, working with other poor sobs that you fucking warped, degenerate filth of the earth scum have abused, and try to heal--them an d myself. dont send any stupid messengers to me asking to work out at stannes. GET THIS MOTHERFUCKERS FOR THE 10,000TH TIME, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. EVER. If there are any good catholics out there reading this, then my recommendation to you is to get out of the institutional church because it is going down. Any future spirituality will be post-institutional--and hopefull the goddamned mind-controller religionists, of the jesuit stripe, will be erased from any position of pwer. AND GET ONE THING RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, I DON'T HATE MEN. I HATE ABUSERS OF ANY TYPE AND STRIPE, WHETHER YOU RAPE MY BODY IN MY SLEEP OR VIOLATE MY MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I got along fine with men for years, REAL men, who knew I was lesbian but who respected me as a colleague and co-working peer. They were traditional and patriarchal in their private, family lives, but in the workplace, they were nothing but respectful and supportive in the absolute maximum way possible. They werent tit hanging boys who needed a dominated female to violate psychically and spiritually, because they aren't man enough to relate to a real woman from a position of equality (and again, I am not talking about personal relationships over which every individual chooses their preference; I am talking about peer and collegial relationships). So whether or not you are my enemy, and that includes the luciferian sirians/jesuits who are respo nsible for the atrocities committed against me, or whether you are a tactical ally against the luciferians (and you know who you are), I am not either of your friends, and while I cannot stop you from violating my body and my mind, I know what I can expect from you. Nothing. The western allies made a tactical alliance with Stalin during ww2 to fight the Nazis, but the western view of humanity is very different from that of totaltarian communisms and rigid role expectations. If God wills me to ever be free of the hell I am in, I will work to spread my vision of humanity and freedom, and that is what I live for. that, and the certainty (whether in this life or the next) that i will change into a reptilian body, because one thing is for sure, i will never be a proud owner and resident of this mutilated, tortured, weakened, and pain-wracked piece of flesh again. Yet God has told me that I will get a body to be proud of--what a commentary that a reptilian body is looking more attractive to me than this poor mutilated alien job that's left after the torture committed by warped evil men, who call themselves priests, and allowed by weak, insecure men who call themselves soldiers. Nothing for it. I suspect that the hell I am in oculd continue for another year. I know what i can expect..,. and now we are clear--you know what you can expect from me.

Vacillating between rage and severe depression

Vacillating between rage and severe depression--it's not just the destroyed body and the ugly, masculinized face that the PIB;s have gifted me with me--it's the loss of energy, the loss of joy, the inability to read or focus, or even appreciate music. I think it fair to say that whatever the fuck the assholes are doing to me, causes autism, and a constant migraine headache. I can only hope it is chemically pharmaceutical, because I cannot imagine living in a world where I am this miserable, depressed and low energy. I was constipated again today--that is always a sign of some drug--don't know which one--and the mind just isn't capable of thinking with its normal spontaneity and zest, so its too hard to figure out. Mind is not capable of thinking much at all. find myself unable to read, not only poetry, but even web pages. Just don't have any enthusiasm to engage reality. Never have I been so depressed in my life--the closest it comes is when I was a teenager. Similar situation--patriarchal father who was too insecure and psychologically warped to nurture tried to destroy me (and my sister) because he hated the feminine, and could not abide any of its gift or creativity, but only wanted something on which to control and project his misogynistic fantasies. All I could do was go into "coverup" mode and wait, because I knew one day I would be free of his totalitarian hatred and destruction. I try to coverup, but I don't know what will be left by the time the PIB's are through. My body is in terrible shape, chronic pain, where they have done all their cutting, and severe TMJ. The worst, though, is the fear, that they have stolen my naturally high spirits and robust energy. I always felt that my high energy came from my sacrum, and now my sacrum feels completely dead and inert, except for the omnipresent ache of a dead something. I try to tell myself there are people who have lost their legs who have to adjust to a lower level of vitality and life quality, that i too can do it, but I can't stop crying over it.

Another nite can't sleep

Another nite can't sleep --not only brain rushes, but i am suffering involuntary spasmodic jerks of the body. I took a flexeril earlier, because of the TMJ that recently cropped up. It is hard to relax the jaw when you can't close your mouth because of an overbite that didn't exist before. I will be going to the dentist again--God only knows how many hundreds of dollars I will be dishing out to try to salvage what the luciferian nazis have destroyed. Not only did they mess up my new filling, but they jerked my gumline up, so now I have periodontal problems all along my upper teeth! I am especially worried about my front cap. The gumline is so receded, it may have compromised the entire front cap. It is very painful to do anything with the gumline. Nothing for it, but to spend money at the dentist. I am almost reluctant to do so. These fuckers don't get it, don't understand that they can commit any atrocity against me that they want. I will never join them. They make me sick, literally sick with contempt. Furthermore, I will remember their true nature, every time I feel the pain of a locked lower back, that wants so much to shift pelvis forward, everytime I can't lift weights or do crunchies, everytime I feel the numbness or piercing nerve pain in my arms, and pins and needles in my hands. In short, I will suffer from pain every day for the rest of my life from these fuckers. Congratulations assholes, you can rest easy knowing that I will be pain because of your actions for the rest of my life.

Just when I thought that there was nothing left for the fuckers to cut,

Just when I thought that there was nothing left for the fuckers to cut, they manage to find more muscle to cut in my upper back, leaving nothing but rolls of fat. Knew something was wrong when I realized how baggy my regular shirts were fitting me. Took off my shirt and saw the abomination. Disgusting. Wonder if that is why I woke up crying this morning. Too be honest, I can't remember the last morning that I woke up with0out crying. Amazing to me that these stupidass fuckers think they are making me more feminine. They have made my face more masculine, they have made my ass more masculine, and while they suffer from that plastic surgery cutting syndrome, every move they make leaves me, not only more unhealthy and weaker, but dumpy and unattractive. I hate my body so much now that I can't bear to be in it. I keep wanting to push it down, so I get some solidity in the trunk area, and remove the rolls of fat in my trunk and torso--the only thing left of a once beautiful and strong body. The fucking pigs just don't get it. I am not a woman. I never have been a woman. Insofar as I accepted the role of woman, it was because of an illusory mental construct of which I convinced myself, based on a proud and positive self body image, and a maternal instinct. Now they have completely destroyed my once proud and positive body image, and the site of the breasts on my body feel me with nothing but deep disgust. I was able to believe a lie for the first 48 years of my life; now they have revealed the lie for what it was, and they think by whittling away at my body, and making me smaller in physique, fatter in body, and in constant pain from all their mutilations, that I am someohow going to find myself thinking I am a woman!!! God, their stupidity is beyond belief!!!! Even as I write this i am in pain from where they cut on my upper back, but the worst of it is the fat, no the worst of it is the pain--the pain I feel in my arms, my lower back, and now my upper back from all their mutilations. I have to be careful of how I walk because with every step, my back threatens to go out, since i am no longer anatomically correct. No man in a feminine body could be more hatefully miserable than I am right now.

Then,I have to wonder if I will ever feel joy again. Ever since they did the cranial mutilation of my face, leaving me more masculine (but thank you assholes, having a masculine face will be helpful when I go to get the gender change operation that I will get), I have been severely depressed. I know, because I cannot bear to listen to any music whatsoever, not joyfully familiar pop melodies, not classical works, not even New Age meditation style music. As a matter of fact I find all sound to be deeply intrusive, whether it is the banal inanities of Piers Morgan, or my favorite journalist, Bill O'Reilly In short, I am walking around with a "dry migraine", unable to bear even normal stimuli. Nor can I read--the mind is not able to focus or concentrate much at all. I want to just lie in bed and fantasize--fantasy is so much more attractive than my hateful reality right now, but I force myself to get up. So the big question I ask myself is, "am I ever going to be happy and joyful again?" Are the PIB's giving me some psychotropic drug that has me so miserable, or is it just that the virus downloads are able to act with greater efficacy, and if so, do the viral downloads literally block the spiritual joy which is my normal state of being. Joy, like all emotions, surely has a chemical component, so are the luciferians able to block it, which they then replace with the ersatz false bliss of a serotonin high? Why would they block joy? Because joy born of the spirit provides resistance to the machine, while the serotonin mind zombies are passive and docile drones. But spirit ultimately, does not depend on emotions for its power. I may feel like shit, but yet my actions still will be based on conviction. Yesterday I read a horror story about a Long Island mother and child who abused their animals horribly, keeping their mouths shut with duct tape, in a filthy home. Hard to believe, on the surface, but as I read the story, I realized they were close to Montauck, and the daughter had the left side of her face swollen as with viral fluid. Were they unfortunate subjects of the Montauk project and experiments? As above, so below...was their natural decency as humans, undermined by the fact that they were treated like lab rats? I am in very bad shape, physically, mentally and emotionally. But no matter how badly I feel, I will not act out inhumanely. I would never do to another what has been done to me. But neither can I act out with proactive spirituality and joy--the fuckers have completely cut me off from it.

One last statement that belongs in yesterday's post really--from the looks of him, Baby Doc is a drug addled psychotic. It would be the absolute worst case scenario for Haiti's future for him to return to power. The cabal has to know how degenerate and incompetent that man is--their complete lack of regard for humanity is beyond belief.