New Years eve a drugged

New Years eve a drugged--so drugged that i can barely get thru routine chores and am too sick to surf wev. Its good to be home tho, even as drugged up as i am . glad to sleep in own bed. time for bed.

Dreading the return trip home

Dreading the return trip home after another horrible night of nausea and pain. Nobody seems to understand how much the goddamned downloads negatively affect my body and brain. My blood sugar either crashes or spikes, I get nauseated and break out in hot flashes and sweat--even in a cold setting. I immediately come down with a migraine, and some kind of ADD inability to focus or concentrate. My muscles spasm in agony, and it becomes impossible to lay flat on my back as my lower back arches so high into the air that the body lacks grounding support. I become both hungry for protein and thirsty, at the same time, yet I have some kind of heartburn blockage in my chest. I can't even drink water--it would make me sick, so I have to drink sparkling water or gatorade or juice. And for what, all this misery? I don't believe the bandy of the Internet--that this is necessary to survive 2012 or that we are "ascending", though we may be moving into a different dimension. But I, with my grim, unflinchingly realistic mind, suspect that we are being prepped for a very negative future of slavery. Last night, in between fits of agonizing mental and physical pain, I dreamed that somehow (it was a very unclear, tentative dream), I was being prepared for "cloning." "Cloning" is another Internet conspiracy theory, but I suspect there is something to it, though I can't understand how. (I can't understand a lot of things, but I recognize glimmerings of truth, and so I keep an open mind). I know though, that I don't want to be cloned. I don't want these brain downloads destroying my health (I have spent the last day looking at pictures of myself, and don't recognize the happy face that I used to have, until five years ago, when this chemical and physical hell began). I never see my face, happy and smiling anymore. Now my face is constantly red and bloated, with lymphatic pouches pulling down the corners of my mouth, that were once upturned in a perpetual good humor. Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I no longer am the happy, carefree person I once was, but rather a person in constant pain, unhappiness and constraint, as I try to flail against the prison my tormentors have constructed around my every move. How do I get out? Which political faction can I trust? This becomes important as it is clear that the current political faction is under strenuous attack. I prefer not to get involved, but I am--as a victim. This line of thinking is opening up a whole other level and dimension that I am loathe to enter--if only because I am not healthy enough to maintain focus and concentration to follow it through. I would like to pray about it, but again, prayer requires focus and concentration, and that is practically impossible for me. Maybe next year, free me God.

Sick and miserable continueed

Sick and miserable continueed--struggled all day to function with three very healthy, active kids. Cant function very well. Very low energy. Sheer exhaustion after five hours of watching them--and I didn't do much besides sit and supervise. Now can hardly keep eyes open. I had to take a robaxin because back muscles are spasming so badly. so fafr it is not working. head is so very very heavy, cant keep it lifted. Lot of pain. my joints are also very tender to the touch, knees elbowsl definitely not feeling like myself. I am supposed to have a job interview monday but i know that there is no way that i can work a forty hour a week job. dont evne know how i will get thru the test. one day at a time. right now, bed.

Nausea and migraines, migraines and nausea

Nausea and migraines, migraines and nausea--wont stop. I took some heavy duty muscle relaxant last nite and finally got rid of the sick headaches that rode me for over two days. Then i went to see a movie and it started up again. Everytime i have one of the neverending hotflashes and break out in a sweat, the nausea hits. I no longer have fiornal. I cant keep living with these nonstop migraines. sick as a dog. I have spasms in my body in muscles i have never felt before, muscles i didnt know could spasm. my legs and knees are just crawling with ants and yet locked in spasm at same time. miserable fucking miserable

Christmas from hell continues

Christmas from hell continues. severe migraines. face is swollen. unable to bear any stimulil. but i think its done on purpose. i think im supposed to suffer--offerings to satan are more meaningful that way. i see the grand old daddy of satanism, ratzinger was accosted. I am certain that at midnight on Christmas day, he offered up a satanic mass--and I suspect tghat he is directly behind my suffering, as i am the perfect victim for his evil cabal and agenda. My sufferings could also be caused by the Mark Huber handlers. apparently his incapacitated, maybe they ar e desperate for a new body for a walk in. Never fails to amaze me, how these channelers of light and goodness, and koolaid drinking smiles always have flat, mean evil eyes--that includes the walkins of Huber and Obama. But who knows? Maybe my unbearable suffering of last two dyas has just been garden variety brain control and torture--use suffering and separation from family to groom one to meet the handlers needs and agenda. who cares. as much as i suffer and pray God for release I know what I am not--

never again

never again will i come to this place to be drugged. i have no family. i just have fucking torturers. dont know what kind of fucking drug im on. i suspect lithium because i want to ghet drunk, slice wrists, scream, but over in the corner sits the woman who gave me birth looking for opportunity to throw me in psychtric hospital. too sick to fucking care anymore. too sick to do anything but wish for death. why do i continue to come here to this hell place and hell mother? some kind of stupid fucking loyalty? dont know but know its all over . have to hang int here for eight days. eight days of sheer hell, but its over. all over. something inside me has snaapped and as fucked up and miserable as i ma, i know its all over. last time ever.

Another lost day

Another lost day to migraines and non-functional psychotropics. It's a real drag because I hate to come back from the holidays to a dirty house, but there is only so much I can do in limited windows of being able to just move. I still have laundry and a little shopping to do, but I don't know how much I can get done when I don't know from one day to the next how I will be feeling--for that matter, one hour to the next. In addition to the never ending spasms and migraines, I am a little worried about the knotted swolleness of my left lymph node. I know that my body is trying really hard to push out massive amounts of toxins but the damage is just overwhelming. The sad thing is, that so many people (at least from what I gather by reading the internet) believe this is going to help them survive post-2012. But I think the complete opposite--I think it gives the aliens a chance bypass any psychic defenses we may have to them wiring into our brains so that they can practice their "edenic control" (as one Internet, kool-aid drinking Templar put it). They (the modern day "Templars") want to be the ones who make sure that everybody drinks the kool-aid. I know that there is a good reason why my body is so rejecting of these hateful downloads but I can't do anything about it--just try to accomodate it, and envy all those who still have their brains and bodies intact.