No spinal tap

No spinal tap today. More bullshit luciferian mind games--they jsut wanted to read my mind for a couple of hours while i lay suffering, because there is no way that I can lay to be comfortable since evey part of my body has been mutilated and fubar. The spine can't lay flat, there is no resting position for arms, the leg muscles are all painful. Yet the mutilations continue. Realized that the fucking sons of bitches continue to alter my cranial-facial structure. I have gaping spaces between my teeth--it is as if they are forcing it to extend and widen. I don't have a comfortable bite--can't close my mouth. I can no longer bear to look at myself in the miror to see what is the latest horror committed. I am not able to walk, but find myself waddling. They have taken out all my leg musculature, and repositioned the fat, so that its all on my ass instead of on my ab lats, and I no longer have the necessary musculature to walk properly. Oddly enough, I am walking like a stooped over gray--is that on purpose? I know that all this mutilation and torture is to give the grays a feminine figure to worship as part of their mind control, so maybe the Nazi drs aren't just punitive sadists. Maybe they are creating a warped, mutilated physical being that the Grays will recognize as one of their own.
The drugging and viral downloads havent stopped. I took a fiornal and am getting ready to go to bed without listening to the "The Factor"--best hour of news on the tube. Have too much of a headache for anyhthing, even tho I know there are important changes going on. Baby Doc returning to Haiti is huge for the bad guys. That is where they want to raise fallen Atlantis again, and Haiti is important. Sarkozy was blackmailed to allow that to happen. I'd like to know if the blackmail was personal or communal, that is, against the people of France. I am also seeing signs that the luciferians are getting bolder. In a video, Ben Fulford all but screamed his deeper identity ,interviewing David Rockefeller and holding up a freemason logo on a binder. I have known since the beginning that Ben Fulford wasn't to be trusted--that he identified with the "dragon", as opposed to the "reptilian" family, but the dragon overlords are just as evil as the reptilians. Is this recent move a way of signalling that the Rockefeller family has dumped their allegiance to the the Rothschilds, and are now moving into alliance with the dragon family, or even, worse, have the Terran reptilians and dragons formed a tactical alliance to fight the good guys? That is what it is looking like Oh, honestly I don't know. I can't figure things out, when I am so sick, that I can barely lift my head...

A minute later--able to turn on tv, and see tail end of report of O'Reilly wanting to know what is going on in Haiti. Seeing that I realized that the lack of progress and construction in Haiti is on purpose! And now I DO believe that the cholera epidemic was deliberately spread by UN troops. The cabal wants Haiti desperate and disorganized so that they (the cabal) can get Baby Doc back into power, so that Haiti can be relied upon to do its bidding. What that bidding entails I am not certain, but almost certainly it has to do with the reraising of sunken Atlantis.

Supposed to go to dr. tomorrow

Supposed to go to dr. tomorrow--don't know if I will be able to go. Legs can barely walk, as in they won't lift, not to mention the severe grain/pelvic pull I am suffering because my mutilated thighs aren't fitted properly in the pelvis. I am trying to get up the energy to take a shower. I haven't showered in three days, and won't go to dr if I can't. But I am too weak to stand up in the shower for 10 minutes. I know i am on some kind of psychotropic drug because the football game on tv is starting to look wierd again--have problems seeing moving impages or popping up images. that doesnt bother me so much as my inability to move, to have energy, to do anything at all. I want to do some research on the 13th zodiac sign--read something really interesting about that a while back. but brain is not thinking very well, and I dont have the energy to start a new line of research right now--but there is somehting there--wish i could reemmember the web site...My head is very heavy--cant stand any kind of noise or sound (the heater running in the bathroom and ticking clock are really bugging me), and I just want to lay down. I will try to read a little bit more, but i think im going to have to lay down.

my days r sheer hell now

my days r sheer hell now----severely depressed at best, so much so that i cant read or think. I think im suffering from sertontin intoxication. remember seeing wino wake up in walgreens prkgn lot years ago, when this shit first startged happening. i knew that i suffered exactly like he did. i think the goddamned psychotropic cocktail the luciferians include in the viral downloads include major serontonin. that is why the goddamned mindwiped drones always look so cultically blissful but its not real. that is whfy im so against liberal use of antidepressants--machine prepping us for chemical bliss of "Anna" the V queen, but it is not real bliss , not real joy, not real at all. psychotropic download so bad in severe pain--musclees all locked in back and legs. tried to watch tv but too goddamned sick to even watch it. i dont know how long i can endure this kind of hell. huse is a mess . i cant remember last time i fetl good, now just want to knock out. head too heavy. one last thing. dry migraine--for the last three days, i have had the clay texture of migraine stool--while the viral download only cause pain whn extreme, the migraine symptomoology is caontst--that is why feel so bad---arms hurt to type this. quit.

Gaining weight

Gaining weight--absolutely nothing I can do about it. can not exercise except in small doses, and even then, i have to push myslelf. there is no joy in life, no energy, no movement, no singing in the heart. i am a flat, emotionally dead person just like the luciferians or a wino sleeping in the street. cant bear to look at myself or feel my body. face has so much fluid its disgusting. it is no longer my tiny, tight heart shape face--it is a monstrosity swollen with fluid on a no neck. I understand now why Obama's face has so many lumps and folds and creases. The antichrist probably has been wearing luciferian implants since he was a teen, and all the lumps and crinkles are the result. A man can look that way. My face has lost all symmetry, all beauty. that is why the only thing I fantasize about is a gender change operation. I cannot bear to touch my body. everytime I do I just find more jiggling fat where the muscles have been removed. Even my glute muscles are gone. I may have been fat, but for years I was fit and in peak condition, strong and healthy. Now i am a wreck. I force myself to work out, but there is no joy, and no pride in my body. There is actually a lot of pain--my pelvic girdle is not irght at all, and I am having the worst back pain of my life. nothing i can do about it but take pain killers to help me sleep. I literally can barely walk. If i try to stride, the viral download assaults me and nearly knocks me out. i try to walk, i hobble, accomodating my fucked up lower back and pelvic girdle. I tried to do a yoga pose, the body can not handle any energy moving at all. but the worst part of it all is the mental depression and dull fog. I have no interest in reading. I feel like im just wrapped in cotton wool. I bouthght a digital camera to play with, but it takes too much energy to open it up and play with it. how long can a person live like this? I am dreading going to bed--already i feel the brain rushes and the only way to sleep with these is to take major alcohol and painkillers.

Brain rushes driving me crayz

Brain rushes driving me crayz--alcohol, vicodin, now adding tyeleonl pm. more alcohol --can t sleep, brain rushes pulsing thru entire body. head so heavy cant hold. body cant walk. seing all kinds of sprarks behind eyes. brain not working rithe. dont know how to spell. i dont mind dieing . dont want to be drain dmameage. have o stop brain rushes

Got a call today from neurocenter

Got a call today from neurocenter wanting to do spinal tap. Could all my severe depression and pain be caused by too much csf on brain. My face is swollen beyond belief. My lips are chapped because they are permanently inverted with the puffiness of my face. I recognize the feeling from before of too much csf--the feeling of being sick, hating life, barely being able to move. Even worse, I am not able to read--too sick to concentrate, so I just skim. I hate doing that--there is so much going on and I can't process information. Still, the suffering and pain seems racheted up from before. I don't remember crying all the time though, but I was a lot healthier then, physically and psychologically four years ago. Over the years, and after the mutilations of the past few months, I no longer have much fight left me. I am like Samson, just going round and round, tethered to suffering and slavery, just waiting for the one chance to bring the whole evil house of these Nazis down. I will go to get the spinal tap, but I don't have much hope. I have been that route before, and it never yields a clinical diagnosis. It is always me who figures out what is wrong with me, but I too sick to care, and after repeated abuses and violations after every one of my revelations, I have no motivation to cooperate in the healing process any more. But I am worried about my eyesight. Tonight, while suffering from a semi-psychotic state caused by the viral download, I experienced 2 flashes of light, like a spark, deep behind my eyes. I think it was my retina firing in response to severe stress. These sons of bitches don't care if I go blind. I do. That is why I will go for the spinal tap, even though I'm sick to the death of seeking medical treatment for a condition caused by abusive medical experimentation on me. All the excess fluid and virus are also causing severe pain and spasms in my back. I literally cannot bend over because my back and entire left leg is locked in spasm. My right arm is in weird joint pain, and I am suffering from pinss and needles there. In short I am a mess. A real, miserable mess. And I just want my life over.

Crying...

Crying...spent most of yesterday in bed crying, woke up crying, and have cried all morning. Things are progressing though--I now am experiencing suicidal ideation again--anything to get me out of this drugged up, hateful body. Doesn't sound like me? Well, you are right. I am not a crybaby. It's whatever fucking drug the goddamned PIB's got me on now. Have totally destroyed my ability to do anything--starting with my ability to enjoy and interact with life. I try to find something to give my life purpose, but am so depressed that I can't imagine anything. I desperately need to be physical. All my life, I have be a very physical person, and I think part of my depression is that because I can't be physical, I am stuck in my head, and my head is fucked up with all the goddamned drugs so that I can't think, concentrate or even read. I am just skimming over posts, saying, "I will read this later", but I won't because my brain is too fucked up to even read.

Because the fucking PIB's have mutilated and contorted my body, I am fatter than ever before in my life (they basically took away space, length and breadth, removing the fat from the sides of my trunk, by cutting out my abdominal musculature, and thus enlarging my ass and belly). I was looking at a picture of my sister, yesterday. She was a big girl, who suffered from weight problems from a very early age, and by the time she died at 19, she was already obese. But as I looked at her, I see what I would look like if I had been born in a female body, instead of losing my God-given male body through the botched up, freakenstein mutilation of the Nazi pigs. Kim had broader, much broader, shoulders than I do now. She had not only a broad chest (and she never lifted a weight in her life), but a huge bosom--the gift that God gives heavy set women. She had a strong, thick, masculine-like trunk, but massively wide hips. Her arms fell naturally, and in alignment at her sides, and in the photo, she lifts her arm, without brushing interference from her huge breasts. In short, she had the strong, muscular heavyset Aryan body, but with exaggerated feminine attributes. SHE IS A WOMAN; I CAN NEVER BE ONE--JUST A FAKE WANNABE, MISERABLE IN THIS FORCED, FREAKISH RECONSTRUCTION. For inn my body that is nothing but a freakish anatomical reconstruction of a Mengelian vision, I look nothing like her. I am a freak in this hateful body, and I long so much to be free of it.

I try to exercise, just to get back the lost strength and keep the muscles flexible, but I can't. Working out is no longer the joyful activity it once was, feeling my body push itself to the limits, in harmony with my mind. Even the lightest physical exercise has become a hateful drudge and chore that I do, just to try to keep the body alive. However, it is nearly impossible to be motivated to do even that, as I am so depressed by the truth, that for the last five years, I have faithfully worked out, forcing myself to do so, even though most times I didn't feel like it, only to have nearly 1/3rd of my muscle mass cut out, leaving me weak, soft and flabbily obese. What is the point in working out, when the fuckers will cut on and mutilate my body at their pleasure? They are misogynistic sadists. They like to humiliate, wound, and lessen the feminine form--it makes them feel alive and like men, since they have never learned how to be men in the creative way through relationship and responsibility, but only as haters and destroyers.

My muscles all feel dead. I have worked out for years, and know how a living muscle responds to the stress of exercise. My muscles are no longer responsive; they are just dead, and instead of feeling that "good," healthy soreness, they feel painfully lame and inertly dead. I tell myself to just try to walk, but even walking is difficult as the lower back and ribs are completely locked by lactic acid, and feel dead (and that is when they feel better; when they feel worse, they are locked in misalignment--right now, even as I sit, they are misaligned--and spasming in agonizing pain). On top of that, I never know when my thighs are going to painfully slip out of the pelvic girdle, for they are not properly anatomically grounded in my body.

I can't even go to they gym, without the goddamned PIB's running psychops on me. I have been going to a free community center, because I only am able to work out once a week--and I have to force myself to do that. I keep hoping that I will get healthy enough to do yoga, and say that I will pay to join a gym when I do, but with each passing day, I get less and less healthy. Also, I am now deeply ashamed of my body and do not wish to be seen in public, especially by people who knew me when my body was healthy and whole. It doesn't really matter now, because there is no way I am healthy enough to do yoga. I can't even touch the floor with my hands, and any attempt to try reminds me of how lame and dead my leg muscles are--not responsive at all. I can not circulate any energy. I tried to do a sit up a couple of days ago, and nearly passed out from the abnormal weakness brought on by the circulating energy. But the goddamned PIB's are even trying to drive me out of my once a week workouts!

I suppose I feel sorry for the staff at the community center. They are not set up or staffed for any kind of drama or special needs request, and I am sure that everywhere I go, the PIB's follow behind me, making extravagant demands and requests, playing their little psychops games, making sure that I am appropriately isolated. I no longer know who is friend or foe, but when I go to work out, I just want to be left alone. Fat chance. The last time I was at the center, I went to talk to a couple of very friendly people in the computer labs about an open source (Linux) lab that I had read about, but I was railroaded out by the center supervisor. Again, this is familiar territory to me. Anytime, someone relates to me, human to human, the PIB's immediately jump into action. It would totally undermine their mind control over me, if I were able to really relate to someone. This why they won't let me get a job--every time that I do, I manage to relate to others, and this undermines their isolation of me. This is frustrating, because I know at every step that I am blocked. The PIB's will be ahead of me, spreading lies. I really want to join a transgender support group. I am resolved, deeply resolved to have a sex change operation at the earliest opportunity, starting out at least with a masectomy. But I know that the surgeons are going to require documentation that I have thought this decision through, and the support group would help me with that (not to mention the genuine support I would receive from others like me, who feel that they were born in the wrong body). But I know that there is no point in joining such a support group, for once again, the PIB's would spread their lies, and get me railroaded out with ease.

So all I can do is cry. I have no avenue of change or hope open to me, except endurance. I just don't know the kind of condition my body will be in a year from now. For my muscles, all of them--back, legs, arms--are dying, and there is nothing I can do about it.