think I figured out a huge piece of my reason for suffering

think I figured out a huge piece of my reason for suffering--too sick to go into it right now. nonfunctional. too sick to watch tv, surf web or anything but take drugs and sleep. epect another hell nite. muscles are in severe spasm, esp since they are so unnaturallyh aligned and soldered. my legs wont even touch the floor in a cobra position, they are so fucked up. nothing i can do about it, except state again and agin, dont cre how much i am abduced, cut on, drugged, or abused, i will not cooperate with the nazis who are largely responsible for my suffering. it is in brain. heavy metal poisoning. head so dizzy and heavy, i can hardly stand. literally cannot stand any stimuli--sound or image. it is because i took tampered testosterone. knew it, just wanted to see how bad it was. (0)bad. tomorrow righht more. start with flexiril for muscle , tylenol pm and vodka.

A fair warning to my most bitter enemies--the reptilians, the luciferian Sirians, and all their hanger on occultic, amoral "psychico-paths"--I am preparing for the "Samson manuever". All of you meddling religionists who have miswrote and misinterpreted the Bible for centuries, all to serve your abusive, mind-control power tripping agenda should know what that means. If not ask one of the satanic Jesuits or Sharon/Rahm allied Jews who claim Christ or Israel/Jerusalem/YHWH in public, but owe allegiance to evil in private--the better to steal souls for the satanic spawn who are their lords.

Let me explain this one personality of mine, that over and over again, I explain to others, and they never seem to believe me. I learned a long time ago, that people don't take my "threats" and "ultimatums" seriously. I guess it is (or was) my trusting, happy, sweet face, but people (especially patriarchal men) always give me a smug, condescending smile when I say something, like, "I will leave this church if the abuse continues. But my ultimatums and threats are rock solid. It takes an awful lot for me to get to that point, but once I do, the die is cast, the Rubicon is crossed, the door is shut. Because of the inherent goodness and sense of fair play in my nature, I always give advance warning before taking adversarial action. However, once the warning has been issued, I never change my mind once I have delivered an ultimatum. Never.

I know Salusa, Kolvenbach, & company won't believe me. I could refer Kolvenbach to speak with Dave Denny of the SLI or the ABQ Newman Center chaplain to whom I have delivered prior ultimatums, but I know it won't matter. Evil is so smug in its superiority, it ignores all evidence to the contrary. And why not? They have proved time and time again that they can abduct, and abuse me, violating the very strong free will I claim, and they did it again last night.

Yes, sadly enough, my victory from a few days ago was short-lived. I guess if they pump enough estrogen, heavy metal and psychotropics into a person, they can pretty much own whoever they want (but they only want the "interesting" ones--people of spirit and imagination--anyone reading this blog would be in danger). Anyway, they certainly did a number on me last night. I have the bruise on the inside of my thighs which tell me that they forced their way inside my vaginal or anal cavity. Judging from the severe pain in my lower back that I had when I woke up this morning, I would say they did something to the sacral area to facilitate their agenda. Even more violating (that bruising the thighs to enter the private sanctum of sex and spirit, they did more facial reconstruction. THE MOTHERFUCKERS GAVE ME MONGOLIAN EYELIDS !#@!#$ WTF??????

You know, my lover had a trace of Mongolian eyelid because of her Native heritage, and I thought that she had the most beautiful eyes, BECAUSE THAT WAS THE WAY GOD CREATED HER! This most recent bizarre mutilation just adds to the freakish look that the goddamned Sirians have done to me (of course it was the Sirians--it is the cat faction/Salusa & co who have the Mongoloid eyes), especially when one sees the protruding dome of my forehead caused by all the fucking implants. I HATE IT--like everything else they have done to me, they have marred my original beauty of which I was proud and turned me into a slave girl done for their fucking amusement. Well, let me just say to you Salusians, that I don't really support cosmetic surgery, but if I live, it will be no problem to masectomize the cow boobs you have created, and surgeons who will turn Mongoloid eyes to Caucasian ones are a dime a dozen all over the world. Normally, I am sad to see Asian women alter their God-given eye shape. The Lord God made us all differently to better manifest the diversity of His Creation. But these freakish eyes on my face will never speak to me of God's creation, but only remind me of all the mutilation that the satanic spawn released from hell, have done to me, in an unholy usurpation of creative power.

Guess what, motherfuckers? After a horrible night of abduction and abuse, and the most bizarre facial mutilation, I still say I am going to win. My back is in tremendous pain, I am nearly weaponless and friendless, but still I say I am going to win. Yeah, you got me last night, but every time I am abducted, I am compensated for the abuse and violation, by learning more about you, and while it is stored in my unconscious, I know now that I am going to defeat you, even if it kills me. As a matter of fact, I am assuming that it will--that is why I call it the "Sampson maneuver". But death is just fine by me. You have destroyed my joy in living anyway, and I believe that any resurrected incarnation has to be better than this one. You see, I have a secret weapon--one that you scorn, mock, and crow about its inferiority--and that is the Will of God. I will stand by God, draw my strength from God, and live in Christ consciousness, and I WILL DEFEAT YOU. You have been fairly warned.

I MEAN "NO" WHEN I SAY NO

I MEAN "NO" WHEN I SAY NO-- a message that falls on deaf ears of patriarchal men who think they own women. Certainly they have enslaved me with their goddamned drugs and heavy metals. After a horrendous night, I got up early and went looking for fish oil--yep, it has been HEAVILY (as in drive me out of my mind crazy) contaminated with heavy metals. On top of that, I am on some kind of psychotropic drug that has me, alternately ravenously starving, and then nauseus. What I am too sick to do, is any kind of exercise--even a little bit, is just too much for my poor fucked up brain and destroyed body. I cannot remember the last time I was able to do anything that gives me joy. Because I will never be able to exercise again in this destroyed body, or be able to play my fave musical instrument with these unnaturally bound arms, the only thing I can think of giving me pleasure and enjoyment is being intimate with another woman. But of course, the patriarchs will never accept that from me. They believe if they shove enough estrogen down my throat, I will be their fucking fantasy of the perfect female. Well, I have got so much fucking estrogen in me that I want to throttle the son of a bitch psych who is force feeding it to me. As if it wasn't hell enough to be in this fucked up mutilated, freakish, fat body, I have TO FEEL THE GODDAMNED FAT AND BOOBS--which is enough to make me never want to be around another deaf, abusive male as long as I live!

I am too sick to do any research, but that is okay. I don't want to know what is going on. It just makes provides another asset for my slavemaster to exploit, and I am sick and tired of being exploited.

I would feel better if i took some testosterone, but I am running low, and I know that every bottle of the brand that helps me, has been poisoned with the same heavy metals that is poisoning and sickening me now. So even though it is only six, I am going to lay down and go to bed. Fucked up day. So what? Fucked up week, month, year, decade...this shit has been going on for so long that I would rather be dead than wake up another day with theise goddamned implants, drugs, evil aliens, and patriarchal men refusing me the dignity and choice of a free person.

Survived a night of hell

Survived a night of hell caused by a woman dropping an energy weapon thru a grate into my basement last nite. was so very sick with headache and tongue was numb and tasting of metal. barely recuperated to talk to Dale, just to get home for the goddamned estrogen shit and psychotropic shit to start again. Had to take 3 t tabs just to write this. so fucking low energy cant even walk but only drag feet. eyes cannot open, cannot bear stimuli. because of nausea , think it might be lithiyum. saw a movie last nite about a guy who alcatraz destroyed with their inhumane treatement. that is the way i am--destroyed, body ruin, brain compromised, but like kevin bacon still have my fighting spirit. YOU FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES, YOU WON'T EVER GET ME TO COOPERATE WITH YOU--WHETHER YOU ARE THE LUCIFERIANS OF SALUSA, THE JESUIT SATANISTS (AND ALL CATHOLIC fASCISTS ALONG WITH THEM).

nothin I can do anoub misery. My brain is till soaked in toxicity from last night. I desperately needed to detox brain so i caounld relate to reality normally, instead i am so fucked up on estrogen and lithium, that i am in psychotic break from reality, not even able to keep eyes open or focus or function on antyhing. i guess the goddambned jesutits think i am more saintly this way. very sick. going to bed. so depressed, hope for death. but NBEVER YOU GODDAMNED FASCIST BLOODSUCKING PRICKS, will i give in to you or your aryan buddies.

Dreams last nite tell me that I am fighting off

Dreams last nite tell me that I am fighting off abductions from Salusa & co. Considering the amount of estrogen (which totally drains me of all energy, and thus, resistance), and psychotropics that they put in me yesterday, I am heartened that I was able to fight back so successfully. I still am suffering with abnormally heavy estrogen loads--my inner voice and experience confirms it. I had heard that fish oil was an anti-estrogen, so I forced myself to drink 4 ozs of (weak--past expiration date) fish oil that I had in the fridge. After 2 ozs, I felt so much better. However, I still am suffering from massive headaches--no doubt it is some psychotropic that is giving me a stiff neck and makind it difficult to turn my head (uh oh, i hope its not lithium again), and will need to go to bed early. God help me resist this abduction again..

More musings on losing my temper yesterday

More musings on losing my temper yesterday--well, first of all, there is nothing to apologize for. I have been so grossly and grievously abused by the psychics that identify with the Salusa faction that I could NEVER even begin to approach the abuse that those sons of bitches have done to me. Maybe cutting off their penises, or a set of ribs, or over half of their muscle, and seeing how that makes THEM feel, would begin to approximate it. Such a grievous mutilation of a person's body is so egregiously violating and brutally dehumanizing that I would never do it. So I guess that I am just stuck writing these posts--AND with every breath I take, asking God for the resolve to destroy these evil aliens and their psychic lieutenants. I saw where a 7 year old dream not to go on board an alien ship because of the evil done to humans there. I wish that I had the wisdom of the 7 year old. However, something karmic has made me vulnerable to abduction by these evil monsters from hell. Probably, I was involved in occultic activities at some point in the past, and so I am unconsciously helpless to prevent the horrific abuse that I endure at the hands of these negative Sirians.

However, I think that on the level of will, my resolve to resist these satanic spawn is getting stronger. I could be wrong, but I think my refusal to accept Dog Dung Doug's abuse and contempt, came after I decided to quit adopting the yogic child's pose, in relation to reality. In retrospect, I handled the situation perfectly. Yes emotionally, I still wish that I had given Dog Dung Doug just a piece of the physical trauma I have endured--a cheap shot to the nuts would have given me the greatest satisfaction. Maybe then he would develop a little bit of empathy for what I have endured for over a year--repeated assaults to not only my manhood, but my personhood, my sexuality, and my entire body. However, as soon as I recognized that my psychic recognition of his lies, homophobia, and laughing contempt of me had led to instant assaultive escalation, I knew that I had to just leave. I rarely get that mad, but when I do, I know I just have to exit the scene and cool down. Assaulting him would have been a lose/lose situation for me. He was muscular and fit, and probably would best me in a physical altercation (but never count me it out--I KNOW how to fight, but I am a much better fighter in self defense than in angry aggression. In the former instance, my mind goes really cool and clear, and I am able to rationally and intuitively move; in the latter, emotions are driving me, and I lose the clear head and ability to rapidly think, which is absolutely essential in order to successfully resist a stronger opponent. However, even if I had gotten the satisfaction of a physical attack, I would have then had to deal with law enforcement. I have spent a couple of thousand dollars and a lot of time staying out of jail, since my 6 month incarceration. Some of the negative cabal that dogs me went through a lot of trouble to frame me on lying charges of contacting Augusta. They really wanted me behind bars again! It would be totally dumb to assist them in any way. So overall, despite my frustration and rage at the ongoing abuse that I endure (and yes, constant psychic probing of my mind counts as abuse--there are only three classes of people who I grant permission to read my mind--people I know and who relate and talk to me, my children--even if I don't know them, and patriotic psychics in the service to protect this country--all of it, not just their own private agenda. All of the rest are voyeuristic perverts at best, and agents of evil at worst).

So I am glad that I did the right thing, and just turned on my heels and walked out. Having the moral superiority in the altercation strengthens my resolve to proactively profile would be psychics, and completely close off all emotional and mental responses in their presence. I am not going to prevent them from reading my mind, but I know now that those pervs are not only creepy, but they are the enemy, and I intend to treat them as such. Did it give me enough strength to resist further abduction? Well, we will see. I wasn't abducted last night ( I couldn't sleep). I have been pounded with psychotropics all day--so much so that I have spent nearly all day sleeping. When I woke up about 10 pm, my tongue was once again coated with the white furry coat that I think is caused by estrogen blasts. It is the estrogen that is making me so uncomfortable in my body, so that I literally hate it. I know this is true, but even though I am always right, I never get any respect, so I imagine the psychotropics and estrogen will continue. I just have to deal with it. If my freakish bodily mutilations were not enough, I continue to be plagued with serious TMJ pain, shoulder pain (I literally cannot sleep on my side, because the goddamned Sirians fucked up my shoulder so bad), and debilitating knee pain. By far though, the worst of it, is just being so uncomfortable in my own body. All I can do is try to get in my mind, so I don't have to be aware of it.

As miserable as I am, I have fought the good fight and done the right thing at each step of the way. The incident yesterday had another profound liberating effect. I am whole now. You see, years ago, when the Jesuits/Nazis first started harassing and abusing me, I had a series of dreams about Nazis and escaping from Nazis. Of course, at the time I thought the Nazis in my dreams were metaphorical; now I know that they were and are, literal. In one dream, I dreamed that I had led a whole group of people successfully out of Nazi territority. There were about 7-12 of us, male and female, all colors and races--it seemed to represent an archetypal spectrum of humanity. I came up with the idea that we would all hold hands and pretend to be tourists, until we cleared the Nazi town. I always laugh at the memory of that dream, because the Black man and White man, were disgusted at the thought of holding hands. They told me, "everybody will think we're gay". I told them they could deal with homophobes or Nazis. They held hands and went along. However at the end of the trip, just as we had cleared the Nazi stronghold, I realized that I had left someone behind--it was the Asian woman, and I knew in my dream that it was unacceptable for someone to be left behind, and that I had to go back and get her. Well, it took me years, but I finally think that I got the Asian woman back from the Nazi garrison, safe and sound.

I think that dream represented all different aspects of myself, and that the Asian female not only represented the wise, spiritual side of me, but the SUBMISSIVE spiritual, feminine side of me. Despite patriarchal handicaps, both White and Black women have a notable history of strong female spiritual personages. Maybe from another lifetime (remember that the first alien in 3D reality that I ever encountered gave me some kind of Tibetan spiritual test, and many of the Aryan aliens are very allied with the Tibetans), I am carrying negative karma. Probably, I was a misogynistic patriarchal (Asian or Tibetan) man, and this is why I have been so successfully abused by Asian men, even though I have had only fleeting encounters with them. That archetype or that karma is in bondage to the notion that the (Asian) feminine is completely submissive to the (Asian) masculine. WELL, NO FUCKING MORE! I really believe that, in the encounter with Dog Dung Doug, that I went back and got the Asian woman left behind, and hopefully all of my personality aspects and karmas, can now knit together and fight as a whole against the evil Nazis. Not today, though. Too drugged. Too much pain.

4:30 in the morning

4:30 in the morning and have given up on going to sleep. The brain rushes make it absolutely impossible, even with a vicodin to try to help me. I am terrified to drink alcohol, because of my weight gain, but my diligence in avoiding sugar was to no avail. I woke up for the second straight morning with a thick, white furry discharge on my tongue. That, and the cramping in my legs, convinced me that yes, all this extra fat, as well as the grossly enlarged, tender breasts are the result of an estrogen blast--all designed to make me pleasing to whatever satanic rapists have dibs on me this month. I couldn't feel more sexy than if I were Jabba the Hut. No one can imagine how miserable I am in this female, fat body. I pray for death, but if that doesn't happen, radical surgery will. I can't live in this body. No way.