Every morning I wake up hating life

Every morning I wake up hating life, I go to bed hating life and being trapped in this drug addled, miserable, sick body, I wake up in the middle of the night, going out of my mind with the agony of being stuck in a brain and body that can neither feel, pray, or imagine.  The drugs I am on, make me constantly sick with nausea and flu like symptoms.  I feel like everything in my body is encased in concrete as I try to force myself to get up and function.  I am constantly craving protein and a full stomach, and I eat and eat, trying to get energy to feel just a little bit better, if only for a moment.  But it is all illusory, since ABSOLUTELY NOTHING makes me feel better--some things are just better at promoting escapism from this torturous, hateful, miserable zombie-like reality than others.  Even TV is proving less and less a successful escapism as all they are images without feelings.  I feel nothing, when I watch even a classic TV show that normally would engage my deepest emotions and pathos.  I can't even watch a basketball game--I have no emotions whatsoever even when my most favorite and most hated team are playing.  I am just a zombie.  I am capable of emotions though--rage.  I keep pushing down the desire to break every glass and plate in my kitchen cabinet, and cut deep grooves into my body to escape this torture.  I want to trash and destroy everything around me, but I keep rationalizing to myself not to do this.  I just HATE HATE HATE.  I hate the people who have drugged me, I hate the stupid assholes who are projecting on to me something I am not, and most of all I hate being in this body and brain that is a totally meaningless, emotionless zombie.  I don't know where I am at any more, but it is not in this this hateful, tortured, drugged up body.