Congratulations, Opus Dei

Congratulations, Opus Dei--I now weigh 200 pounds.  You are getting ever closer to your goal of having me hate my own body as much as you hate yours, you sick heretical body-hating, woman-hating, life-hating, so-called Christians.  I can't bear to look myself in the mirror or down at my swollen ankles.  But I don't have time to mourn the destruction of my physical body.  I am too sick with whatever psychotropic drug I am being force fed now.  Whatever it is, it does the same thing that lithium and risperdal does---it causes my digestion to stop and severe nausea--a migraine without the head pain.  (My head is floating filled with pressure from severely excessive cerebralspinal fluid)  But what is pain?  Who cares about eyesight?  The sick bastards have the Inquistitor's sole focus on my soul.  Oh wait, it's not my soul, is it?  How dare I think that I have a soul and freedom of choice over my body and actions.  No, I forget.  This is Opus Dei and Ratzinger's Catholicism we are talking about here.  What they call a soul is what they think they can own, control, and manipulate to serve\ their warped, power-hungry purposes.  Wrong, you fucking bastards.  You may destroy my body, my eyesight, and put me in chronic pain for the rest of my life, but I will never serve your purposes or cooperate towards your end.   I would scream at you to GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE but I have done that for years and yet you still persist in your abuse and torture of me.  So forget it.  I don't know how much longer I can carry on.  I cannot concentrate at work.  My whole body feels like it is dead.  It takes gargantuan effort to raise my arm to turn on a light.  I can barely walk.  Destroy me.  I am too sick to care anymore.  But know you will never claim my allegiance or alliance as long as I live.  Too nauseated, but the fiornal is finallyh taking effect.  Time to go to bed. 

I have a 2 Fiornal headache

I have a 2 Fiornal headache thanks to the patriarchal Catholic creep who druugged me while I was trying to clear out my head in a Rio Rancho park.  Because my body is in such poor shape, I was hoping to add on another yoga workout, but I had to wait until 6:45 for it to begin.  I was too sick from being drugged at work to head directly to the gym so I went to the nearest park to lie down.  There the patriarchal bully (everytime I hear a man yelling in that guttural, wannabe-commanding bass to cover the fact that he has absolutely no personal authority and the most limited of self-respect and self-awareness, I want to just get far way), zapped me with blindlingly nauseating drugs that had me running for the car and home--forget yoga.  I knew who had done because I recognize the type quiet well by now--"Christian sheeple."  When I was very young (teens and early 20's, I was quite Nietzschean in my contempt of them.  Then I became more gentle in my criticism, telling myself that they deserved intecessory prayer, not contempt.  Well, after the suffering I have endured which has been carried out by sheeple foot soldiers, I am leaning back to my original position.  After all, these sheeple have a shepherd who tells them the way--Jesus Christ, and if they prefer the easy, safe route of mindless obedience to hierarchy and dogma rather than choosing the freedom and risk of a true life in the spirit, there is nothing I can do that will sway or move them.  I prefer to deal with pagans, who may not have the depth of faith that I would wish for, but who have honest desire for depth of spirituality, self-knowledge and altruistic intentions for others (its never the pagans who dope me, just Christian sheeple).  Instead I deal with lame and weak Christian men who are alienated from their soul, and lame and weak Christian women alienated from their spirit (I can spot them from a mile away too).  Orthodox Catholic Christianity calls this alienated condition, "gender complementarity."  PFFFFTTTTT.  I call it a crippled human being, which unfortunately they are free to choose, and I respect that.  JUST DON'T CRIPPLE ME in an attempt to make me as blind and spirit and soul alienated as you are. 

At tleast the second fiornal worked, and I can try to go to bed now.  My life is really a struggle, but I keep going. 

Happy Easter

Happy Easter.  If I have ever had a more miserable Easter I cannot remember.  Even if I don't celebrate Easter through worship, normally I wake up alive and in tune to the happy energy of the day.  But I am woke up this morning, forcing myself to get up, and willing myself to move.  I have no energy, no spirit available to me, even if the birds do chirp outside my front door.  My guts are all messed up, and even a colonic is not affecting the pain that I feel every time I eat.  The drugs are forcing my digestive system and colon to practically stop, and I am miserable.   I did manage to do an hour workout at the gym, and I struggled to complete it--no joy, no feeling of aliveness.  Now I am home, and I find myself in a dirty house that has to get some cleaning done before the work week starts because I feel just as bad during the work week, but have to come home and get some sleep.  So maybe one day I will know Easter again--right now, the people who are trying to control me, and force me to be their s/pawn have me firmly ensconsed in hell, and I can do nothing but pray for the day that I am free to be me, an alive and vital, fully sexual human being and child of God again.  It won't happen today.  But I have to force myself to try to clean up a lil bit.  It doesn't get any easier, Tita, it doesn't get any easier

Struggling really hard

Struggling really hard to focus and try to clean house and do chores when I am totally fucked up on drugs and speed.  The sick, warped torutrers who are responsible for my suffering know how detrimental and difficult is for me, but at this point, they have absolutely nothing to lose.  Well, guess what, assholes, you got nothing to gain except increasing emnity on my part.  I am tired of suffering at your hands and everyday that I wake up and hate life and struggle just to get through the physical pain, heaviness, and mental torment that these drugs cause, it just adds momentum to my already rock solid resolve.  I despise you, Opus Dei, I despise the tactics of the Roman Catholic Church and all of your unholy alliances with corrupt earthly powers.  You know, and I know.  But I will never conform to your sick, warped expectations of me.  All of you responsible for my pain and suffering, the damage to my body and brain  GO FUCK YOURSELVES,  and molest some children, and take the pensions of the poor and widowed, just as you have done for centuries, while you feed them guilt and lies.  My house is a mess.  I have chores to do that cant be put off.  Somehow I have to hold my job, so I must try to force myself to function.

What's worse than humdrum speed?

What's worse than humdrum speed?  Lithium.  GODDAMNED, PIECE OF SHIT, MAKE ME SICK LITHIUM.  After a brief hiatus from psychotropic drugs, they have started up again, and I have been sick all day with lithium poisoning.  Don't these dumbasses ever get it?  I  have the same nauseating migraine I always get, and will have to take a fiornal and go to bed soon.  But I have to vent first.  I am so damned upset.  I have to start a job in another day, I got a virus in my computer and tons of details and chores to atten to, but all I can do is lay in bed and think how miserable I am.  I have been trying to watch tv but I am getting that same sense of motion sickness as I watch moving objects on the screen.  Bed time.  Too sick to really care about anything right now.  I honestly don't know if I am going to be able to keep this job--certainly not if I am doped up on lithium.  You have to look out for me God.  You are all I got. 

Back to humdrum speed

Back to humdrum speed which is not good news.  The body is so full of inflammation that I can hardly move.  Inflammation everywhere--lats, abdomen, ankles, elbows, biceps, wrists, upper torso and neck.  Life is so hard when I am on this damn speed.  Not to mention the inflammation, it causes blood sugar crashes and sick headaches.  I am completely out of control of my weight, as I have to keep eating protein to keep the sick headaches at bay.  I am not very successful at that, either, but I keep trying because a migraine is the worst. Maybe I am on psychotropic drugs.  I am noticing that images on the web are jumping out at me weirdly like they do when I am drugged.  Oh well, no matter what, I am miserable.  I am trying so hard to function.  I was able to walk in the park while I composed a long letter in my head that I want to write, but right now, I am too sick to transfer thoughts to paper.  Hell, for that matter,  I am too sick to even have any thoughts. My brain totally blasted and nonfunctional.  I will be starting work next week.  Normally that would be good news, but not right now, not when I am so sick and suffering all the time. Somehow I have to to be able to hold a job no matter how impossible it seems when I am so sick and nonfunctional.

Horrible days continue

Horrible days continue as the psychotropic drugs completely incapacitate me (can't walk), and I am too sick to do much else besides lay in bed.  I went to an appt today to get on UNM health care, and as the lady talked to me, I realized I didn't understand what she was saying--I was that far out of reality.  How can I hold a job when I can't even understand what people are saying when they talk to me?  I am so tired of feeling so bad.  So sick of all the evil and corruption all around me.  Absolutely nothing is going my way.