Hobbled

Hobbled to the point that I can barely walk or stand upright--the body will try to crouch...The only question I wonder about is if the crippling was deliberate or inadvertent. I woke up, not being able to feel my legs, except in my knee joints, which suffer pain, every time I bend them quickly. My first thought was to try to get to the gym and do some rehab with weights, as I know that my kee pain is caused by the loss of muscle surrounding it, which has been cut off by the Nazis. Still, I know that my knees NEED that extra muscle support, and my life will be hell without it, so I have to start building up what little muscle is left. But then, I went to walk, and realized I couldn't even lift my legs or stand, that my legs had been totally crippled by some kind of nerve pain. When I went to take a morning bowel movement, I nearly passed out. I recognized the source of my weakness--the effort to move my bowels unleashed a viral download rush to which, (as I have stated fifty times, if I have stated it once), my body is highly allergic. I get weak, swoon, and nearly pass out. So all I can guess is that the motherfuckers have done something with my nerves in my sacrum to facilitate the viral download, and it has left me profoundly crippled. I will give it a couple of days, but if things do not change, I will need to take action to get treatment and status as a severely handicapped person. I will need crutches and/or a wheelchair for the rest of my life. But now, there is nothing to do but wait, which is hard, because I am in a lot of back pain, with the migraine headache scenario. The only good news is that I am stocked up on food and water, and can lay in bed all day. My God, how much longer can I take this...

Another nite turning in pain

Another nite turning in pain--there is no where I can lay down without feeling pain from any place in my body that has been cut up. The worst of it though is the back/pelvic girdle area. That area is now completely and painfully out of synch, as I tried to walk on it today. With all my leg muscles cut out--quads, hams, and knne supporting muscle, I no longer am able to walk properly. In addition--something the goddamned nazi surgeons don't know (and it would not matter if they did) is that I had a congenital imbalance in my pelvic girdle/the way my legs work together. From a very early age, my left leg accomodated for the imbalance instinctively, developing a wider girth and more muscle, which was definitively clear when I had a full medical exam done on it by worker's comp doctors. By cutting out the extra muscle of my left leg, to make my legs "perfect" (the way Nazis value perfection, not the perfection of God, humanity or me), the imbalance is acting out again. I can literally feel the difference in my two legs as I walk, and the only way I can walk now is with a pronounced limp, but it is the pain that bothers me the most. I am getting up to take another vicodin. There is no point in trying to be stoic about this level of pain--I do not know if I am ever going to walk normally again, but for tonight I have to try to sleep. Certainly, I know that i cannot walk now, which was the only avenue of exercise open to me. The spine hurts too--everything hurts.

Anyway, despite the pain, I still would rather be me than any of the other alternatives I see available. I remember the words of Jesus preaching, "It is better to lose your body than to burn in the fires of Gehenna." There are other people in worse shape than me. I have been thinking a lot about George W. Bush today, after watching his cameo appearance at the Super Bowl. When I wrote my piece yesterday, I wasn't able to really flesh it out, because I was just trying to make my point while I suffered in pain. Today though, I realized that George W Bush did the best he could do under nearly impossible constraints. There is some reason his father considers him a failure, and that is because he wasn't successful in doing his father's evil bidding. I think that he did the best he could do, with no support, surrounded by jackals, to thwart the evil cabal. He looked rueful as he acknowledged the camera pan at the Super Bowl, but he has a lot of which to be proud. Growing up in such a dysfunctional, unloving faming is a terrible handicap, and he kept his soul relatively intact. So, buck up, W. I will be praying for you with an ardency that I have not mustered for you in eight years. I think you did the best that you could under the circumstances. By fighting back against the cabal on 9/11, you not only preserved your life, but you may have preserved the life of the country.

Still, these are grim times. Greta v.S. was interviewing Senators McCain, Lieberman, and Graham at the Munich Security Conference. Interesting that they were attending with Hillary Clinton...But they all three looked shellshocked and I can only guess that they were filled in on some of the details by W himself. I won't put anything down, but I can imagine. Terrible, lonely, isolating pain on a professional AND personal level. No wonder why the man is an alcoholic, and has such esteem issues. He DOES have a relationship with God, however, and I hope that now that the horrible secret is out, that he can get some pastoral help and healing.

Sick all night with migraines and nausea

Sick all night with migraines and nausea--woke up very drugged. Still, I have to try to get things done, despite all the pain I am in. Have to do laundry, and if possible shop. Another cold front is on the way, and I am not going to drive in the snow, especially as messed up as I am. I used to love to go out in the snow, but now it is just an added hardship to deal with, in a life that already is so very, very difficult. I continue to worry about my health. My right knee is really bothering me, but every part of my body feels like it has been ripped out and soldered back on unnaturally. There is a band of tightness across the upper back which makes moving the arms painful, but it is the lack of ability to even walk that has me most worried. That is the only exercise I can do right now, and I need to exercise. Changing pants for the first time since they cut on my quads, I realize that without the muscle to hug the fat, that I appear even fatter in my thighs than I did before. Kind of the same way with the belly. Oh well, it doesn't matter. Clearly, if being fat depresses me, I can count on the Nazis to do everything in their power to increase the fat. Just so depressed, because this is not just aobut aesthetics--this is about health, and right now, my health is very, very poor.

Very worried abuot health

Very worried abuot health--I think that between all the muscle loss and viral fluid I am becoming diabetic. I only used to have a sweet smell to urine on some mornings. Now i have it on every tript to the toilet. But diabetes is not causing my nonfunction psuedo psychotic perception of realtiy. cant stand noise or tve or open eyes. had to quit watching the game. No loss. Another bullshit fixed game. i am in a lot of leg and hip pain. today for the first time ever, my legs were not stronge enough to hold me up while i leaned against sink. viral downloads have me so heavy but always had strong legs. no more. knees and hips are very messed up. interior of feet ice cold--circulation all messed up. its ok. excuse to take flexiril go to bed go to sleep pray for death.

The incredible shrinking woman

The incredible shrinking woman--my life as a sci-fi horror film...every night while I sleep, the Nazi doctors shave more and more of my muscle. It was hard to sleep last night between the pain from all the laser work on my back and ribs, and the uncomfortableness of an unfamiliar body. Yet, even today, I find the cutting continues. Today, I noticed it when I went to walk...I didn't even have the muscle strength to walk for an hour (I guess my hour long walk yesterday offended them). Even a simple walk from the truck to the library convinced me something was wrong--my strength in my legs were gone--they have been gone from my arms for some time now). My backpack that I have used for years, now slap painfully against my pained sacrum--my God, how much have I shrunk), but it was clear that stength, power and muscle were cut out from my quads and hams again. This is worrisome because already I am suffering from a lot of pain in my knees--I no longer have the strong, supporting muscular strength there that I once did, and my knee joints are lumpy with excess lympthatic fluid caused by the virus, and have trouble distending now, which of course makes it difficult to walk. Of course, the virus continues on its merry, debilitating way. It still is causing a psuedo psychosis when the download occurs. I always know when it is happening because I immediately I become severely autistic, finding it difficult to drive, and needing to edit out sensory stimuli. I couldn't even watch TV again--I've been wanting to catch TV Story for some time, but I literally cannot bear to watch the moving images--they give me motion sickness and migraines. So I am not well, and have no idea when this shit is going to stop--with my death. I don't mind dying.

Which brings me to a very important point--for those of you, who are in charge of security at the Super Bowl, take special care of George W. Bush. I believe his own father intends to murder him as a sacrifice to appease the "karmic gods of fate" which haven't been smiling lately on the regime of evil, and to restore demonic spiritual impetus to Jeb Bush's flagging prospects for the presidency. I know this seems incredible to believe, but understand that in the higher demonic families, the sacrifice of a child, whether by sexual violation or murder, is commonplace. Arizona Wilder, who has been so right on in her depictions of the royal family, has said that Charles and Camilla sacrificied an infant son, and at this point, every heinously incredible point that I have tested has proven true. As a matter of fact, I think Dubya barely escaped his planned sacrifice once before--on 9/11/2001. For those of conspiracy and superstition bent, remember the 20 year Presidential curse, which Reagan barely escaped. Well, Dubuya barely escaped, too, and I think his father was behind that failed attempt as well. For sure, Dubya brushed with, and narrowly eluded death on 9/11, and I don't think that anyone, even Cheney and
Rumsfeld and the highest levels of the Nazi cabal, would have have conspired on his death, without at least tacit approval from his father.

You see, on 9/11/2001, W knew what was happening--at least to some degree. The expression on his face as he listened to "My Pet Goat," was priceless. He knew he was the goat (sacrifice). I think W had been told that there was going to be a major terrorist event, but I think he was purposely kept in the dark regarding the full extent, while all around him secret meetings were held, because the real heavy conspirators--the most visible among them, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice--thought W was too intellectually lightweight, and too emotionally sentimental to be fully entrusted with such details. W was stunned on 9/11, not by what happened, but of the extent of it. Now, remember all the confusion surrounding his exit from Florida--taking off without a fighter escort, etc. I think W realized pretty quickly why "My Pet Goat" was the chosen reading material, for the day, and immediately some pretty good survival instincts kicked in. Instead of flying back to Washington or NYC, as you would suppose a president, eager to show leadership, would do, he flew to Offut Air Force Base where he met with Warren Buffet, and solicited the support of Faction 2. Why? Because his father, Cheney, Rumsfeld, the neocons were all Faction 1, and while Faction 2 may have been implicated in the 9/11 conspiracy as well, it really was Faction 1's brainchild and baby from the inception through the execution (but I don't acquit Faction 2 of guilt--I just don't have the overwhelming evidence of their complicity as I do of Faction 1). Well, the shaken W from earlier in the day, emerged from Offut, a different man, a man of resolve who had been dubbed to go lead the charge with a bullhorn in his hand. I think, at the point, he pulled together a different set of (F2) allies to help protect him and his life while he finished out his term. There is another telling moment that I remember about W in the days after 9/11. I read some pastor's account of how W had approached a group of pastors for prayer, saying "Close in on me a little bit. I feel lonely." Because I recognized the heartfelt sincerity of that statement, for years (okay, maybe months), I gave W a lot more credit than he deserved. He wasn't lonely because of the leadership challenge thrust upon him in crisis. He was lonely, because his own father and closest advisors had conspired against his life, and he barely escaped from death, because of shrewd survival instincts and political maneuvering. Unlike his father, W does have a rudimentary feeling function and conscience (which is why he was kept in the dark regarding many of 9/11 details--but he knew. I remember reading of how he barked to a CIA analyst who was giving him a report of an imminent terror strike by Moslem terrorists, "okay, you have covered your ass. Now get out.") So that, I think he was really hurt by his father's betrayal, which is why he turned to God, but while I think his religious aspirations were real, he was an extremely immature man, of shallow character (he never really had to work at or earn anything in his life), and therefore he never developed the depth of character which is necessary in a life of mature spiritual faith. Besides which, you don't have time to develop a nascent faith life when you are President--the spiritual life demands time and attention, and a President doesn't have that. A President, any leader, should already have done the faith groundwork in their adult years, because there is no time to agonize, "what would Jesus do?" in a crisis situation; rather, a leader should already have such a highly developed intuition and relationship to their inner spiritual life, that they can act confidently and instinctively, that they have made the moral decision. When I was in college, I took a class on the "Ethics of Nuclear War", and I spent many nights that quarter laying awake, wondering that if I were the decision maker, would I ever push that button, and under what circumstances would I push that button, and I would visualize pictures in my head of Hiroshima survivors, and pray and anguish over the decision. Now, keep in mind, I was only a college student, and had no ambition for political life, but still, that kind of moral and ethical (and spiritual) education and formation belongs to the college years, not in on-the-job-training, which is how W tried to "wing it", just like he "winged" his college and military years. How bizarre is it that the leader of the free world was reading Camus' "The Stranger" while immersed in the frantic busyness of the White House. I read "The Stranger" while in college, and again, its theme of the individual's alienation is powerful, but again, such a book needs to be read, digested and pondered during the formative years, not during the mature years.

I have watched W in a few post-presidential interviews, and I still don't see much spiritual growth in him, but he is the weak link in the Bush family for multiple reasons. He is an addict--he is NOT a "recovering" alcoholic, and he wasn't sober in the White House, either. His rebelliousness and anger towards his father is palpable (and he has a right to be angry at him), and I sure that the family worries about him acting out on feelings of revenge. Then there is his emotional sentimentality, which feeds an unpredictablility regarding religion (he doesn't have much faith, but he's got enough to worry his evil, reprobate family--"who knows what his "Father" in heaven will tell him to do next?)

There is clearly deep ill will between the father and son, even now. I would recommend that readers look at the last George HW Bush interview with Larry King. There is one statement that Bush Sr makes that it is outright hostile and derogatory towards his son, especially considering that he is on national television. I can't remember exactly what he said, something like "he was a failure." Bush pretended that he actually said something else, but look at Barbara's glaring reaction. She knew her husband had just dissed her son on national tv, and she was telling him to knock it off. What if my suspicions are right? What does Barbara Bush think of the plans to kill her son, past and present? Does she prefer ignorance, or is she so accultured to the evil of life of the occult rich, that to her, "sacrifice of children happens?" I remember reading that her daughter may have been killed by CIA cancer. Wow, it is incredible that a family could live such a life of intrigue, backstabbing, and hatred. Please, security personnel at the Super Bowl, take good care of George W Bush, for if the web chatter regarding a possible incident during the Super Bowl is correct, I think his murder is the most likely possibility. I don't think it will be a dirty bomb, because the Dallas/Fort Worth area is the home to a lot of Faction 1, and you know the old Mafia adage about "not shitting where you eat." Nor do I think that it will be a bomb that disrupts the game, for the Pittsburg Steelers owner is a Knight of Malta, and thus very high level Illuminati. (Actually, after a season of fixed games and playoffs, I just hope for an old-fashioned, honest game, like the kind when football players were sportsmen of character, instead of prima donna entertainers showing off their abilities in a fixed game, predetermined by PTB, to indicate their patrons' current status. Bullshit--if this continues past these corrupt Obama years, I predict football will lose its popular appeal--for sure, it already has with me).

No, my best guess is that Bush Sr. would like to get rid of his most worrisome liability--his son, W. His murder would martyr him, and thus raise Jeb's appeal in the upcoming election. The Bush family is desperate to get Jeb into power. Needless to say, this would be a disaster for the country. It also would give them a scapegoat in a couple of years, presuming the shit hits the fan. "That whole 9/11 conspiracy was all W's fault." It kind of reminds me of the whitewashing the House of Windsor is attempting to fool the public now. First they have the movie, "The King's Speech", all designed to make George VI look like a great king, while the abdicated Edward, (Duke of Windsor?) is being set up to be the fall guy for the entire family's unsavory and Nazi associations. Same old, same old.

For security personnel, I would especially recommend that you monitor for a possible electrical light outage, perhaps during the halftime show (isn't it the Blackeyed Peas who sing, "Let's Get It Started"?), or maybe at the end. I do think there is a high probability of something happening during the Super Bowl, especially because of the stolen laptop (looking to set up a fall guy/patsy/reason), so be alert.

Signing off to go to sleep for another horrible night of mutilation.

I had an epiphany last night,

I had an epiphany last night, bolstered by a fresh discovery this morning. I realized last night that my brain waves and frequency has finally succumbed to that of the Borg machine. I also know that my fears regarding a fresh foray for further assimilation to the machine, by Catholic jesuit/opus dei/religionist types were completely justified. For the Borg collective mind machine has been the primary means of mind control on this planet for centuries--it will use any means at its disposal--religion, military, government, corporate wealth, academia, the arts, etc. Basically, anyone who aspires to a postion of high achievement and success in ANY FIELD OF ENDEAVOR, is vulnerable to assimilation. Once the luciferians have a person on their radar, (usually the result of manifest giftedness and success, but also because they can hack the frequency of anyone engaged in prayer or meditation), they move to assimilate that person, and thus trap them to serve their own needs. What makes me special is that the luciferians have tried to crack me from multiple angles and perspectives for over a decad now, but I successfully resisted for years, though they have worn down and worn out my body, brain, and spirit with their implants and abuse. However, I will admit to the realization that my brain is now often engaged in that false contemplative state which has nothing to do with God, holiness, or mysticism, and everything to do with the lies and deception of lucifer, much more often than I would like. By totally readjusting my cranium, with its organic brain stem vulnerability to autism, by using my own self-diagnosis to medicate me with drugs, some of which I would never consent to take, and by mutilating my hermaphroditic body, they are able now to get my brain on the same frequency as the collective. I know, because I can smell that same smell that I used to recognize when I was going out of my mind with pain. Now I no longer am go out of my mind with pain, but just am uncomfortable with the pain in my head, and my mutilated body which never quits. Even now as I write this, I am in terrible pain in my back and ribs where I have been cut up like a frog on the dissecting table. But there is a reason that I was blessed with a body and brain that was able to resist, no matter how painfully, the luciferian hack--especially after the original blueprint and plan for my life had to be modified after being attacked by luciferian/satanic elements while still in the womb. For I can recognize now the falseness and lies of the luciferian contemplative state--because I know what a true contemplative state is. I know what the fruits of the genuine spiritual life really are--joy, love, energy, a profound acceptance of and appreciation for "the other", and creative fruitfulness. Needless to say, most religionists do not share those characteristics, and since coming under luciferian assault, it has been a struggle for me to be my normally exuberant and joyful life. For that is what the machine hates--real emotion (even a justified lapse into anger fights the machine, as long as you release the anger immediately, and don't hold onto the grudge and resentment--which is hard, I know). But the better emotions are joy, desire (and sexual desire is a huge plus--just don't get hooked into sexual addiction which depletes the spiritual energy which a healthy sexuality feeds and nourishes), physical activity and dance. MOVE, MOVE, MOVE your energy--don't let the machine suck it out of you--keep it moving too fast for machine to get a frequency lock. Develop your imagination, and train yourself to move it as rapidly as possible. Keep your kids away from TV and video games (but don't go overboard--a little bit acts as homeopathy), it is reading that develops an ACTIVE imagination (as a reader you have to take an extra step to penetrate the scenes of your imagination; TV just makes everything too easy for you, so kids reared on TV, instead of books, are passively imaginative, instead of actively imaginative). I am convinced that it was my youthful voracious reading, especially of novels, is that bestowed on me the gift of active, penetrating imagination, so that I can penetrate an image, whether from TV or the web, and see the truth.

Finally, beware of the overwhelming omnipresence of the luciferian enemy. If you are reading this blog, you are vulnerable. The only people the luciferians ignore are those that they deem too insignificant to target. It isn't that hard for them to successfully target someone. All they have to do is wait for you to go to sleep, scoop a sample or two of your tissue to get your frequency aligned with the machine, and they can you feed any lie imaginable in your dream state, which you might not remember but which will impact your waking life. If you prove uncooperative, they will target others around you to respond negatively to you, and alienate you. I realize now that this is what I experienced with the irrational anger of a previous boss, who I was talking about the other day.

Spiritual people have to be especially concerned. First of all, prayer is a beacon to machine, "Come get me; here I am." This is a terrible bind for this prayer to a transcendent God is traditionally how many people develop their spiritual life and depths. I know, because this is the way that I developed my own authentic spirituality. But the rifts in the space/time continuum have grown wider and the machine has grown even more tentacles and powerful, so beware. If you do pray, STAY UNDER THE RADAR. As a young woman, I was told by a Brother, the holiest male role model that I ever knew, "to stay away from the Diocesan offices (for seeking a spiritual director). He told me, "you will rarely find a holy person in a position of official authority, for holy people rarely seek power." I think the good Brother was right on one count--there are very few holy people in hierarchial office, but I also suspect now, that many ASPIRING (to be) holy people enter the hierarchial offices, but as soon as they do, they become prominent luciferian targets. That is why so many prominent spiritual teachers seem like frauds. They may have started out honestly, but they get compromised through luciferian tactics, whether subtly, through the dream state, or directly through the pervasive institutional corruption (of the latter victims, place such authentic examples of holiness as Pecos/Abbot David; Cardinal Bernadin; Sr. Joan Chittister and her communtity; the Benedictine Sisters of Colorado Springs--a lot of Sister communities). I am focussing on the spiritual field because that is where so much of my experience lies, but it is in every field. And right now, I suffer terribly from so-called Catholics, who are not only responsible for the egregiously evil abuse I endure, but also from the low level mind control drones who now are stalking me, thinking they are doing something great for Jesus.


I left my phone in my truck, when I went to talk to Dale yesterday (don't ask me why-that was stupid. I know that I need to carry EVERY single thing, subject to tampering, on my person at all time). Anyway, when I got back, I noticed that my seat had been adjusted. Because of all the mutilations I have endured, I have to keep my seat so tightly upright that only a little kid can get through to sit (that is what my body looks like now--a fat, little 10 year old kid). Of course, because they have so fucked up my body, I immediately noticed the difference, and the first thing I did was check the phone. Sure enough, two "missed calls" from the same number came through, 10 minutes apart, and while I talked to Dale, someone cloned/hacked my phone. The number was 505.717.3386. I did a cursory check on that phone and discovered a landline located near the intersection of Atrisco and Five Points. I knew immediately what is near there, and without paying for a detailed report. While the number is not a direct number to the prominent religious center there, the luciferian tentacles of the opus dei/jesuit stripe and type are reaching out to tangle and strangle me. "TRUST NO ONE"--watched a rerun of an X-file the other day; sadly there is no one I can trust--except my own self, and my own knowledge and experience of the true and living God, which is operative in my life right now, only through faith. What is happening in my dream life is of the EVIL LUCIFER--I don't care how pretty and "orthodox" I talk. I am not dreaming now--read this post, put it through discernment (for you can trust no one), and in a very secret, small place, pray that I don't become an instrument of the luciferian Borg collective.

AND REMEMBER, ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU LESS, RATHER THAN MORE, IS NOT OF GOD--I am a lesser person today, as I struggle to live under the influence of the ersastz luciferian state--find it harder to think, to write, to love, to move. I am lesser, but I still fight.

Can't sleep because of pain and anger

Can't sleep because of pain and anger. The PIB's who continue to mutilate me have left me so that both arms and hands go numb without notice. It drives me crazy. Even now, as I type, my hands are numb. On top of all the pain, I suffer in my sacral area from what the pelvic girdle inversion that they did to my lower back, I now have pain where they have cut out my muscles of my rib cage. Hurts to lay on it, I can't even try to do any kind of twist on it, so I am not very happy. More rational about my victimization though--I see that the stupidass Catholics are still playing mind control games with me, and delighting whenever I throw up in rage. They are such goddamned hypocrites. Very few of them would accept transgender operations, insisting that one is born with the body God gaves, oh, that is, unless they do do the cutting to make a person conform to their expectations. I know now that the mind clarity I recently got was real, but I still can't get it through their heads that I do not support their world vision at all. I am wondering if the luciferian jesuits are once again, hacking into my frequencies, but instead of channeling Orion shit, I am channeling Sananda shit. For really, all that Sananda stuff feeds off the universal truths that Jesus also spoke--it just is all a lie because there is no spiritual reality behind it. Jesus said, "by your fruits, you shall know them." That is how I know when I am in a deep spiritual place--it doesn't come through in my words. I can spew out a bullshit homily at any time, but I know when I am in a deep spiritual place, and I can guarantee the entire world that I am NOT. But the stupidass Catholics, no doubt, are listening to my luciferian channeling, and thinking that boy, I'm a saint in waiting...NOt by your standards. I AM capable of getting back into a deep spiritual place, but again, as I always say, not until I am free of these goddamned implants (and for that matter the meddling minds of all the wannabes clinging to every brain fart I utter--hey guess what, Hillary Clinton is a clone! Ah, but you knew it all along--she is another one of those strong females that your immature boy brains can't handle--while she is out saving this country and fighting for the freedom of your future for which your own immaturity is condemning you).

I know who are the friends I can count on--the ones who truly love God and their neghbor--they are the ones who understand my suffering, and have compassion for my loss, not the ones who are gleefully looking to own and feed off of spiritual or mental energies. As bad as I feel, I must try to speak out. The real spiritual people deserve better, and I am never going to be free of the religionist parasites unless there is a crushing mountain of evidence to reverse the luciferian shit that is going on at night while I sleep. LISTEN UP YOU IDIOTIC MORONS--I wake up crying from the abuse every goddamned morning--there is NOTHING holy, but only exploitative and violatingly abusive, going on in my sleep while I am being abducted by these luciferians. Get a grip. Get a life. Get laid. Get Jesus. Quit looking for someone else's sanctity to feed off of. As for me, I will try to sleep in my uncomfortable, pain-wracked body, wondering what the goddamned luciferians have waiting for me tonight.