Saturday, August 21, 2010

New "personal best"

New "personal best"--220 pounds as I am on some kind of psychotropic that puts on the pounds and steals all energy away from me. It is getting harder to get up and go to the library to read email and stay abreast of current events. I force myself to get up and do chores, but all initiative, all drive, all ability to care, is just gone. I just want to sit and watch tv--that tells me as much as my low energy and lackluster vitality that I am severely depressed. Oh, the rage too. I am not waking up full of rage, and wanting to throw things all the time. I just never know when my peevish bad attitude and hating life is going to snap in a flash of rage. This is psychotropic drugs--I am never full of rage or have low vitality when I am healthy.
I have no appetite--in a negative way, not a positive way, and my expanding belly is ice cold. Cold belly tells me that I am living in my head and not in my body, which is always something I try to prevent, but am too depressed and low energy to care.
At night, I suffer from EXCRUCIATING pain, as I feel the swelling in my brain and behind my eyes. I thrash about, wondering where did I go wrong? Had I become an alcoholic or drug addict, would my life be such a hell? I fantasize over and over again, about the one time I saw someone shoot up heroin, and I wish I could get my hands on some kind of drug, however legal or illegal to stop the pain. It's pretty bad when I am coveting the heroin high, but the suffering is so bad, I just long for escape.
And for what? To put me in contact with the "ether" state which I hate with a passion? For telepathy? I have no problem relating telepathically with people who use the gift as I do--to augment verbal communication and a feeling of solidarity, instead of as a weapon to dominate or go for a joyride in someone's mind. To put me in intimate touch with my unconscious in my dream state? I am starting to have the clear, vivid dreams that used to be the signature of my dreamstate reality, before the hell of the drugonslaught of the last 8 years. So, do I have to scream and cry in pain all night, in order to have the kind of clear, vivid dreams that I used to have naturally, unself-consciously, and completely pain-free, years ago, before the goddamned PIB's ruined my brain and body with their chemical poison. Not only did I used to have incredibly clear and vivid dreams, but I used to wake up with a song in my heart and a prayer on my lips, as happy to be alive in my conscious, waking state as I was in my unconscious state. Now that has changed. This morning, I woke from a clear, joyous dream, only to start groaning and hating life, as soon as I opened my eyes, which couldn't see properly, and stood on the ground, feeling like a weakened, 80 year old woman, who had to work at maintaining balance and locomotion, instead of the healthy, vital, strong person I once was.
You stupid fucks. I was healthy, and eager to live in both my conscious, physical, real-world life, AND the life of the unconscious dreamworld. After years of abuse, I am healthy in neither, and trust neither (yeah, I had a good dream last night, but I cannot trust it as an aberration, after having had nearly 25 years of continuous, near nightly, and healthy contact with the dream world interrupted by the PIB's and their goddamned lithium and heavy metal poisoning. Just writing a little bit takes every bit of energy I've got. time to go home and watch tv.

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