Slammed down

Slammed down with psychotropic drugs--I guess the PIB's are afraid of what will happen if I experience emotions. I am NOT schizophrenic or manic-depressive--I am just dealing with intense, intense, history (personal, cosmic, and nationally localized), and experiencing emotions is the first step in the decision making process, and I need to make a huge decision (I don't know if it will be honored, but that does not invalidate the value of personal decision and choice). Me being myself--an overwhelming "P" on the Meyers Briggs, instead of a "J", I procrastinate about final decisions, always looking to gather more information, so that I can make a more certain and sure decision. Honestly I think I have enough information, though I know what I would like to investigate further, but I am so drugged up from last night that I am loathe to make a decision. I do not like to put forth decisions and arguments when I feel like shit over drugs, but to be honest, that is such a frequent state for me, and while difficult, I still am able to make good decisions and analysis in such a state. But not today, I don't think (double negative, what am I really telling myself). Maybe I just want to wait till tomorrow--it is always so much easier to talk things out than to write them out, but the Illuminati could have me doped to the gills tomorrow. Yes, I am mostly free of the overwhelmingly pernicious and evil effects of the Aryan abductions (and I truly think all of those responsible, from the bottom of my heart), but I still am being abducted and manipulated by agents that I once considered neutral to good, but no longer do. I am too tired and depressed to go into it (I keep being reminded of the Cat Stevens song, "I know it's not easy to be calm, when you find something going on. But take your time, think a lot, for you may still be here tomorrow but your dreams may not." My dreams have been shattered so many times as to be non-existent, but still there is a deep desire to get life and decisions right, with the maximum potential for good, healing and reconciliation, for all concerned, including me...so i think I will procrastinate a little further, even though I know what way I am leaning.
I continue to worry about my mother. I think something happened last night, but she still must be alive, for I have not received a phone call. Maybe I was just crying over my pain at the loss I experienced when I was finally able to recognize the full extent of her hateful desire for destruction of me (three weeks later). BUT emotions HAVE to be experienced, they have to be processed, acknowledged, felt, accepted and resolved. Admittedly that takes time, energy and work. The Illuminati would keep us drugged up so that we don't feel those pesky emotions, but that is what makes us human, and it clear that some (the Aryans and Greys) future descendants of our human population, have lost that ability to feel to such an extent that they are not only are incapable of reproduction and perpetuation of their own race, but also, in the most extreme cases, have become pathological monsters incapable of any feeling, empathy, or moral virtue. God save us from such a future.