Seems the more I learn the less I know

Seems the more I learn the less I know--so why do I keep struggling to make sense of everything, of all the dark forces impacting the world and my life? Because I would despair and suffer meaninglessly if I didn't...

After a brief respite on Friday, the nightly abductions and bodily interventions have picked up again. I try so hard to figure out what is going on, but it is hard when I don't have one objective, authoritative voice I can trust (even the inner voice of God has to be authenticated and verified because the Machine can so easily mimic the voice of God). It is also very hard to figure out what is going on when I am so sick that I can barely function. I can't even listen to Wolf Blitzer on CNN--his is very "soft" but incisive in his 2 hour presentation, and usually I can learn a lot by watching, or rather listening, (while I multitask, surfing the web), but today, not only can I not multitask, my head cannot process news, even by focusing only on the TV. It is the same old autistic habit of shutting down, because I cannot bear the stimuli. This has been going on for some time now. I have realized that I am much more autistic towards others than normal. I even felt autistic when I entered Dale's office on Friday, but managed to ocver it, like I learned to do years ago. I no longer can even look people in the eye, which is not such a handicap, because I have so little contact with people, except when I pass them on the bike trail. But I have been so sick that I haven't been able to ride my bike for the last two or three days

What is causing the autism? I am carrying such a heavy viral download that my entire left side is locked in spasm? I am in a lot of physical pain, because my back, which has never been right since it was mutilated from its natural pelvic girdle, is completely and painfully out of joint. It hurts to even try to passively elongate my body. More dental/cranial changes at work--my face is so much longer, squarer, and full (of fluid) than normal, and I have a tiny little mouth that God designed for a face that is supposed to be about third the size that it is now. Miserable and pain-wracked. Sleeping a lot. I can read a little bit, but I am too sick to do much research on the web, too depressed, too. When I am so severely depressed, all I see are bad guys winning everywhere--Libya, for example. I support the PEOPLE of Libya, the citizens, but it seems like they are just pawns in a game, and the big movers and shakers all just want to use them. My fears of the sociopathic cruelty of Khadaffy's sons and what I thought to be true instances of armed forces brutality led me to support the limited no fly zone to give the rebels a chance, but it looks like the rebels themselves are backed by outside powers who have no true desire to help the Libyan people, but only rape their wealth, and maybe even worse, place the Libyan stargate in the hands of nefarious powers...The sad part is that I know there are good men with leadership potential in Libya, but like good people everywhere, like me, they are hobbled, thwarted, (and nearly assasinated), at every turn.

As for me, I am dreading tonight---the vigil of 3/22. I am not intuiting another great catastrophe (but I could be so drugged as to be out of touch with my intuition) for the world, but I do think the evil occultic powers will have a lot of fun with me tonight. I finally got into the Dan Brown novel, and I find myself reading about a truly evil adept of the occult, preparing to sacrifice a good man, to give him greater powers. Why does everything I read always have to do with such deep, difficult subjects? (To be honest, I have never developed a taste for the superficial, shallow, or trendy; it is just that when I am so sick as I am, that I cannot handle my regular fare). Anyway, I do not know how much longer I can endure this level of suffering (only thing my inner voice keeps saying--"endure").

Lot of questions I need to probe that are currently on hold, because of my incapacitated state--I just realized the other day that some of my DNA children are "Pleiadians". I thought that they were Aryans, and maybe they are both...Are they immediate descendants, or from far in the future? A lot of questions in my mind, and I need to research it, but I am too sick right now. The discovery, coupled with my recent viewing of "The Event" has thrown my entire hypothetical framework into chaos, and I am too sick to straighten it out, but I will!!! In the meantime, let me say again, that even though I was nothing more than a non-consensual egg donor for my children, I love them all and wish the best for each one of them, and yes, that includes my hybrid reptilian offspring as well, but everyone should know by know, that I am a woman of values, and I live by those values and act on those value, and will die for those values. Being abducted and controlled by the viral downloads and the machine is totally antithetical to my values, but my inner voice says "endure" and so I shall.