Monday, August 22, 2005

A little bit freer

Well I am feeling a little bit more free today.  As a matter of fact, I am singing and dancing so I must be feeling pretty good.  I realize that partly this is because I took my righteous anger at being abused and turned it on my abusers rather than turn it on myself.  I also think upping my thyroid medication supplement has a lot to do with it.  I'm more and more certain that so much of my health issues---whether weight gain, or the cyclical, psuedo "manic-depressive" moods I had for years---are related to thyroid, and/or the adrenal gland.  I talked with the dr. today and she brought up the adrenal gland.  I haven't even told her what adrenaline does to me, yet.  But I know that she is on target and I know that going natural is the right way to go.  It angers me that I could have gone to her months ago, if I had been allowed to be in relationship with her other patient.  Instead I had to wait until I was desperate, with absolutely no alternatives, and fudge around the issue of how I was recommended to her.  Dr. Phillips would have recognized the organic roots of my "depression" and treated it successfully years ago while Paul DeBlassie and company prescribe jail as therapy and dope me against my consent. !!!!!! The stupidity and moral bankruptcy of those people is beyond belief, but no doubt there are still good, blind, deaf, and dumb Catholic sheep out there, ready to assist these 20th century Inquisitors in their endeavors.  So be careful Tita, and keep checking to see if they have put out another warrant for your arrest.  It's so amazing to me how my tormenters are responsible not only for creating the conditions that exacerbate my psychological depression, but actively prevent me from getting effective treatment (as if jail and pharmaceutical pills would have any ameliorating effect on the damage caused by patriarchal abuse---whether from my father or William McNamara's spiritual megolamania.  No, these are people who have imprisoned their minds and addicted their spirits through institutional religion, so they think that imprisonment and dope would make me more amenable to their warped version of reality...Ain't happeninggggggg.............

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Struggling to be free

Well, as you can see, I am out of jail, but I have a more insidious enemy now---depression.  The one thing that gave me joy in life---talking to someone who I loved and who loved me has been stolen by the patriarchal love killers again, as they have hijacked my buddy list yet again.  There is no one online buddy who I can talk to, who knows and loves me.  This is a crushing defeat for someone like me who has so little in her life to give her joy as I continue to fight the totaltarian forces who have successfully denied me my right to be human--to choose my own identity and life and love---for eight years now.  Of course Tessa Bielecki is online giving her false sympathy.  I've seen that before--sold out patriarchal female giving out the impotent sympathy of someone who has no intent or power to act on their feelings.  She has turned over her ability to act to the priests who, in turn, have sold out their feelings to the need for power and control in their actions.  And me, well, I have successfully long endured being the victim of loveless, abusive powertrippers who torture me in the name of God, but tonight, I don't feel that I can hold out much longer.  If I cannot be free to live my life and love who I love, then I don't want to live anymore.  I know its possible that this is a hormonal imbalance caused by my low thyroid, and I know my thyroid is low because of the symptomology and low basal temperature, but the real reason is that I had to quit my thyroid medication when it was tampered with.   But there is no question that tonight I am suicidal.  I want to be free again God, free like you made me, free before I got involved with that horrific, homophobic, misogynistic cult of the Spiritual Life Institute, and the Roman Catholic Church.  I am a lesbian and I want to be a lesbian, and I want to live in a sexual relationship with a wild and supporting woman.  I want nothing to do with church or christianity, and I cannot break free.

I feel better already.  I hate to let those people know how successfully they have compromised my psyche, but you know, just writing this makes me feel better.  Why?  Because I'm still free in my mind.  They can impose limitations from outside but they can't stop me from being proud of who I am, and loving who I choose to love.  That's what William McNamara and Dave Denny can't stand---that I don't want to belong to their sick, inverted harem of sexually and psychically castrated women, and that is why they won't let go.  I am being punished.  But guess what---I am freer than you all are.  You cannot make me believe what I don't believe.  True, the rise of fundamentalist, dogmatic Christianity to political power has made possible a 20th century Inquisition where you torture my body and mind (yeh, being thrown in jail for six month, and an unwilling particpant in your webcam surveillance for years is psychological torture, you pigs), but you will not steal my mind to belong to your narrowminded, patriarchal religion that has corrupted the natively human spirituality that belong to human beings by birthright--not baptism, not first communion, not church membership or approval.  Your insistence on dogmatic orthodoxy and your controlling abuse has caused massive alienation and distaste for the spiritual life---but I stand in the forefront of an authentic spiritual revival and proclaim, "oh yes, there is salvation outside of the church."  Not only that, you are more likely to find it outside of the Church, as I did when I was 21 years old.  Well, I feel better now.  I know who I am and what I am called to do, and no, your plans for me are not God's plans for me.