4/30/07—I’ve had a much needed weekend of rest. The constant involuntary drug assault to which my body is subjected leaves me in chronic pain, nausea, and tension. I wish I could say that I was clear of the doping, but I am not. I just learn to function and carry on as best as I can with my limitation. Even now, I am doped up. What I long to do more than anything else is to get in touch with my spiritual self, but that is precisely what the drugs prevent (and when I think of how many people in this country are on drugs, it makes me weep over our country’s spiritual poverty. Nobody can fully exercise their spiritual faculties under the pervading influence of chemicals). Even for an adept like me, it is impossible to carry out a daily spiritual discipline when I am under the influence. I have no time to pray. I can’t even sleep well. I just get up and go to (and suffer) work, while I deal with the irritation, anger, and even rage that accompanies the subjective experience of brain and mood chemical imbalance, and the objective injustice of my situation that I endure. Normally, I would be able to temper, and even counter those feelings with the supernatural grace of spiritual love and joy that is activated when my will is in full awareness of, and cooperation with my spirit. But the chemicals of the drugs effectively blunt and undermine my relationship to my spirit, leaving me seriously handicapped. I long for the days when I could write every day. I long for a period of spiritual rest and rejuvenation, but I don’t foresee that happening any time soon. I just have to do the best I can right now. At least I feel rested. At least I have time. At least I can read, and now, write, even if just a little bit.
I am more and more certain of my vocation, though I no longer speak of it. It is something hidden inside of me, just as reality is kept "hidden" from me by the people who continue to control and drug my life in the delusional belief that I will think I am crazy. Maybe that is for the best. According to the wisdom of prophets and healers of the charismatic movement, the evil one can even read our thoughts (which is one reason to pray in tongues—that can’t be penetrated). Being completely honest, I have to admit that I have a powerful evil spirit within me, and thus I am not completely trustworthy, not even to myself. I have always prayed to God, no matter what, not to let me be sold out to the influence of the evil one, and I have a rock solid faith that such will not happen, even though my body may be destroyed in the process. I believe that the evil spirit in me is part and parcel of my vocation, and when the time is right (and it may not be until my death), it will be completely exorcised. But making me think I am crazy will not play any role in that. As part of my unique, if compromised, psychological and spiritual makeup, I instinctively sense, and actively resist all lies and liars. Even those lies with so-called "good intentions" all originate in the father of all lies and liars, and I refuse to give him comfort and aid, no matter the dislocation or suffering to myself. The fact that the Church would be so intimately involved in "perping" this lie onto me, is only irrefutable proof of how corrupted and compromised the institutional church has become in these climatic days.
It’s clear that after Constantine, the church has always gotten it all wrong anyway. Christians are to resist and/or enlighten worldly power—not be an alternative proponent of it. The churches seem to believe that exercising worldly power, using worldly, and even immoral means, is perfectly fine as long as they hate on sexuality and women (and Christianity is not the only religion to fall prey to this heresy). Now I admit to having a difficult time with a pagan approach to sexuality (and I consider myself an ally of many pagans). For me, sexuality always intimates commitment. Thus I am not a supporter of casual sex. I do advocate a sexuality that is fun, playful, and edgy, but one that occurs within a committed relationship. Sex most emphatically does not have to entail biological reproduction or openness to conception, though certainly many do wish to choose so, and that is indeed one possible fruitful aspect.
Commitment is difficult. I can see now that my big fear of a final commitment to Colleen was not primarily because of Colleen, and her negative issues, but rather because, even at 34 or 35, I was not ready for, or capable of the ultimate commitment. I had to mature into it, and what enabled that maturation was first of all, really accepting myself and my sexuality, instead of trying to run away from it into some phony, spiritualized realm of celibacy. For me that meant affirming the legitimate value of homosexual love, which in my defense I can say that, unlike my heterosexual brothers and sisters, I had very little socio-cultural validation or support. A homophobic culture does not lessen the incidenceof homosexuality, but it does greatly increase the unhappiness and psychological maladjustment of us gay people. Even now, I believe that the pain and misery I suffer at the hands of my tormentors, is primarily instigated by homophobes who believe that I am going to convert to celibacy. They do not know me, or my needs or what I believe. I am a lesbian. I do need a partner to help complement and ground me—especially in social relationships with the world. I am happier and more fruitful when I am partnered. Finally, I do believe that I have Jesus’ approval of my homosexuality, and an honest and committed partnership, and even marriage, with another woman. Writing on that will be for another day.