Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years eve a drugged

New Years eve a drugged--so drugged that i can barely get thru routine chores and am too sick to surf wev. Its good to be home tho, even as drugged up as i am . glad to sleep in own bed. time for bed.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dreading the return trip home

Dreading the return trip home after another horrible night of nausea and pain. Nobody seems to understand how much the goddamned downloads negatively affect my body and brain. My blood sugar either crashes or spikes, I get nauseated and break out in hot flashes and sweat--even in a cold setting. I immediately come down with a migraine, and some kind of ADD inability to focus or concentrate. My muscles spasm in agony, and it becomes impossible to lay flat on my back as my lower back arches so high into the air that the body lacks grounding support. I become both hungry for protein and thirsty, at the same time, yet I have some kind of heartburn blockage in my chest. I can't even drink water--it would make me sick, so I have to drink sparkling water or gatorade or juice. And for what, all this misery? I don't believe the bandy of the Internet--that this is necessary to survive 2012 or that we are "ascending", though we may be moving into a different dimension. But I, with my grim, unflinchingly realistic mind, suspect that we are being prepped for a very negative future of slavery. Last night, in between fits of agonizing mental and physical pain, I dreamed that somehow (it was a very unclear, tentative dream), I was being prepared for "cloning." "Cloning" is another Internet conspiracy theory, but I suspect there is something to it, though I can't understand how. (I can't understand a lot of things, but I recognize glimmerings of truth, and so I keep an open mind). I know though, that I don't want to be cloned. I don't want these brain downloads destroying my health (I have spent the last day looking at pictures of myself, and don't recognize the happy face that I used to have, until five years ago, when this chemical and physical hell began). I never see my face, happy and smiling anymore. Now my face is constantly red and bloated, with lymphatic pouches pulling down the corners of my mouth, that were once upturned in a perpetual good humor. Now, when I see myself in the mirror, I no longer am the happy, carefree person I once was, but rather a person in constant pain, unhappiness and constraint, as I try to flail against the prison my tormentors have constructed around my every move. How do I get out? Which political faction can I trust? This becomes important as it is clear that the current political faction is under strenuous attack. I prefer not to get involved, but I am--as a victim. This line of thinking is opening up a whole other level and dimension that I am loathe to enter--if only because I am not healthy enough to maintain focus and concentration to follow it through. I would like to pray about it, but again, prayer requires focus and concentration, and that is practically impossible for me. Maybe next year, free me God.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sick and miserable continueed

Sick and miserable continueed--struggled all day to function with three very healthy, active kids. Cant function very well. Very low energy. Sheer exhaustion after five hours of watching them--and I didn't do much besides sit and supervise. Now can hardly keep eyes open. I had to take a robaxin because back muscles are spasming so badly. so fafr it is not working. head is so very very heavy, cant keep it lifted. Lot of pain. my joints are also very tender to the touch, knees elbowsl definitely not feeling like myself. I am supposed to have a job interview monday but i know that there is no way that i can work a forty hour a week job. dont evne know how i will get thru the test. one day at a time. right now, bed.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Nausea and migraines, migraines and nausea

Nausea and migraines, migraines and nausea--wont stop. I took some heavy duty muscle relaxant last nite and finally got rid of the sick headaches that rode me for over two days. Then i went to see a movie and it started up again. Everytime i have one of the neverending hotflashes and break out in a sweat, the nausea hits. I no longer have fiornal. I cant keep living with these nonstop migraines. sick as a dog. I have spasms in my body in muscles i have never felt before, muscles i didnt know could spasm. my legs and knees are just crawling with ants and yet locked in spasm at same time. miserable fucking miserable

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas from hell continues

Christmas from hell continues. severe migraines. face is swollen. unable to bear any stimulil. but i think its done on purpose. i think im supposed to suffer--offerings to satan are more meaningful that way. i see the grand old daddy of satanism, ratzinger was accosted. I am certain that at midnight on Christmas day, he offered up a satanic mass--and I suspect tghat he is directly behind my suffering, as i am the perfect victim for his evil cabal and agenda. My sufferings could also be caused by the Mark Huber handlers. apparently his incapacitated, maybe they ar e desperate for a new body for a walk in. Never fails to amaze me, how these channelers of light and goodness, and koolaid drinking smiles always have flat, mean evil eyes--that includes the walkins of Huber and Obama. But who knows? Maybe my unbearable suffering of last two dyas has just been garden variety brain control and torture--use suffering and separation from family to groom one to meet the handlers needs and agenda. who cares. as much as i suffer and pray God for release I know what I am not--

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

never again

never again will i come to this place to be drugged. i have no family. i just have fucking torturers. dont know what kind of fucking drug im on. i suspect lithium because i want to ghet drunk, slice wrists, scream, but over in the corner sits the woman who gave me birth looking for opportunity to throw me in psychtric hospital. too sick to fucking care anymore. too sick to do anything but wish for death. why do i continue to come here to this hell place and hell mother? some kind of stupid fucking loyalty? dont know but know its all over . have to hang int here for eight days. eight days of sheer hell, but its over. all over. something inside me has snaapped and as fucked up and miserable as i ma, i know its all over. last time ever.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Another lost day

Another lost day to migraines and non-functional psychotropics. It's a real drag because I hate to come back from the holidays to a dirty house, but there is only so much I can do in limited windows of being able to just move. I still have laundry and a little shopping to do, but I don't know how much I can get done when I don't know from one day to the next how I will be feeling--for that matter, one hour to the next. In addition to the never ending spasms and migraines, I am a little worried about the knotted swolleness of my left lymph node. I know that my body is trying really hard to push out massive amounts of toxins but the damage is just overwhelming. The sad thing is, that so many people (at least from what I gather by reading the internet) believe this is going to help them survive post-2012. But I think the complete opposite--I think it gives the aliens a chance bypass any psychic defenses we may have to them wiring into our brains so that they can practice their "edenic control" (as one Internet, kool-aid drinking Templar put it). They (the modern day "Templars") want to be the ones who make sure that everybody drinks the kool-aid. I know that there is a good reason why my body is so rejecting of these hateful downloads but I can't do anything about it--just try to accomodate it, and envy all those who still have their brains and bodies intact.

After a hellish nite of pain

After a hellish nite of pain, I'm strugglinng to get up and moving. I thin k I have a muscle spasm in my frontal ribs that literally makes it painful to breathe. I dread the thought of riding on the train while suffering from such intense spasms and headaches. My entire body hurts. My guts r all smessed up, constipated. dont know what thats about. Sick with a migraine, wish i could lay in bed and just sleep but tell myself that I have got things to do to get ready for trip. got to keep moving and do them. little things like cleaning house or organizing mp3 plaer for trip , little tasks seem so insurmountable. dont know how to get the energy or inititavie to do them.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Horrible, debilitating, crazy-making pain gone--but still nonfunctional

Horrible, debilitating, crazy-making pain gone--but still nonfunctional with some kind of drugged up psyhhotropics giving me, mentally, a migraine, and physically barely able to move. Ears are congested again. I am so used to this fucking shit and torture, that i know just to go into nonfucntional mode, but it is so hard with so many things i got to do. mY kitchen desprately needs cleaning, ogt to clean house, and get a fift for my brother. all those need to be put on hold while i stumble around with closed eyes and suffer from a back arched in muscle spasm. so tired of this shit . people ask me to write. i wfish they could be in my shoes for one day and realize how i am so fucked up on drugs tht i cannot do anything but lay in bed and suffer. worse of all , i feel that terrible pain coming back into my left side. got to lay down.
Dreamed last night of seeing a woman on a toilet seat with diarrhea coming out one end while she vomited out into another toilet seat. Reminded me of a documentary i recently saw and how on ayahuasca, and how people have to purge their evil spirits. Definitely trying to purge the evil thesee psychotropics do, but not with very good success.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sadistic torturers back again with a vengeance

Sadistic torturers back again with a vengeance--waay back. goddamned pices of shit have me so fucked up that i am in the most unbearble brain pain ever. not normal pain, not migraine pain, not implant pain. deep pulsating pain. so fucked up dont know how i drove home. considering a ct scan this pain is doing damage to my brain. so fucked up, emotional flat except tbat ieverytjoimg males ,e watm tp cru rogjt mpw [aom ,ales ,e wamt tp cry/ too sick to do anything, dont even know how i would get to hospital. go to bed hope pain subsides.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Somewhat recovered

Somewhat recovered from the horible, soul-debilitating, wish-I-were-dead psychotropics that left me barely able to move. Now, I just have the "speed" thing going on. It is as though little demons are nipping at my heels, driving me, driving me. But speed doesn't make me productive or give me concentration, like it does most people. Instead, it steals my physical vitality, and causes me to be distracted, and unable to stay on task or concentrate. Last night, I felt emotionally settled enough to play music (I rarely play music anymore because nearly always I literally feel too sick to play music), but I couldn't. Psychologically, I was disrupted by the "speed-like" effects of the psychotropic implants which were driving me crazy and leaving my body super stiff. I was playing Christmas music, which is really easy to play because of their familiarity, but I couldn't play. Playing music requires intense concentration, getting into a "zone". I call it contemplation--it is a state where I am very quite and centered, and I need to be in a contemplative zone to play music, to pray, to write--in short to do anything creative and focused. But I coldn't get my mind to shut up--so I couldn't enter the "zone" and focus on attentuating the basic simple chording with extra notes. I also couldn't keep an inner sense of flow to maintain timing, so that I was playing even familiar song I know with choppy, disrupted timing. Now, I am very comfortable with a bi-level chattering mind--it is my source of creativity. But for the last four or five years, I have lost my ability to get into the contemplative zone--and that is the most is what I am most bitter and resentful of--because this is a direct consequence of the implants, and nobody, absolutely nobody can tell me, this is a result of "ascension" or "DNA upgrade" or moving into a higher spiritual dimension. I have been in, and am quite familiar wth higher spiritual dimension, and the contemplative spirit is absolutely essential to it, not precluded by some weird, speeded up drug state.
A little while, earlier, I listened to a song that always takes me back to 6th grade. My 6th grade art teacher used to encourage everybody to bring records to share during the weekly hour long class. While we worked on our art, she deejayed. I was no good at art whotsoever, but I always loved that class because I enjoyed the music, and the randomness of the selection. There was a melancholic pop song that got a lot of play, "Seasons in the Sun" and it always appealed to my childhood melancholic sense of of life. It is not a well known song, so on the rare occasions when I hear it on the radio, I am transported in memory back to that emotional state I experienced as a 12 year old, but not today. For a "contemplative zone" is very related to "memory" and the "emotional zone" (the more sublime and positive emotions--I am always amazed at how angry I am when I have thiese speed demons nipping at my heels, making me want to throw plates at the wall). I can't even get into a positive emotional zone. As I sit here, I can feel the crawling in my legs, making me want to get up and move. Might as well--I'm ot capable of fanything else, requiring concentration, when I got the psychotropic speed download going on.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Took fiornal to help with unbelievable migraine, nausea

Took fiornal to help with unbelievable migraine, nausea--cant take fenergan because goddamned muscles so much in spasm i cant twist my body enough to enter supposititory. Muscles so goddamned spasmed cant walk because ankles knees elbows in permanetnt spasm. Once again, hysterical lauthrer. ask God PLEASE PLEASE GOD free me from this never ending nightmare of hell, pain, and suffering that is my life. I dont want to live this life anymore. This life is not livable. it is not bearable. i want it over. i WANT IT OVER.

Fucking christo-fascist pigs at it again

Fucking christo-fascist pigs at it again--woke up so fucking drugged i can barely walk or keep eyes open--cant stand stimuli--overwhelms. this is after a ite in which the goddamned wanna be christian motherfuckers overloaded my brain and body with their goddameed shit and left me moaning in agony. back is completely trashed right now. hurts to sit, to lift a tea kettle, to type. yesterday when the shit hit fann tried to do shaking, and felt better, but no sooner than i clear out energy channels than motherfuckers download shit. cant function like this. though i had to do mystery shoip and was going to cancel. cant drive, cant keep eyes open, cant function with this shit. fortunately dont have to do it. just have to survive in the kind of back pain and psychotropic drug hell i am in now. people dont realize how low my will to live in this fucked up never ending christo fascist hell is. all i want to to be free of these fuckers. to have a partner to love me and take care of me when im in such fucked up pain i am agoing out of my mid (and no you sorry sick sons of bitches , i dont mean the stupid ass goddamned fools you set to stalk on me--Iam LESBIAN. Get it. hell no.. you dont even get im a human being to you. im a labv rat for you to push buttons and drugs in. this is going to be a hell day. i cant keep going like this. Thak you God, at least i dont have to worry about mystery shop.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

212 pounds!

212 pounds! That is what I weighted myself on the medical scale. Actually towo sperarate ones--one had me at 211 , and the other at 213. That is tied ath the highest weight I have ever weighed. How depressing and enraging is that? Words fail. I have gained over 50 pounds thanks to the nitwit nimrod torturers who have also caused permanent brain damage with their psychotropic poison--esp. lithium and risperdol. I work, I sweat, I agonize, to lose 1 pound a month, and from a high of 212, I had gotten down to 207-208 at which I stabilized for 3 or 4 months. Then(because I was on some kind of drug that I needed to be on), I started losing again. Not having access to a scale, I can on;y guesstimate, but the way my clothes were hanging, I guess I was down to 202-205 pounds, top. Then the goddamned lithium started up again for two weeks and now I'm so fat, I'm miserable and can't fit into clothes. I knew things were going to take a bad turn when I saw, what I rcognize to be a "Christian, Opus Dei variety" observing me at the gym. I force myself, I push myself to work out. I am NOT healthy. I am NOT fit. I am a wreck who keeps forcing myself to try to work out so that I don't become a fat, moribund slug. Every day I deal with pain and severe muscle spasms, when I work out, a simple thirty minute workout leaves me exhausted with muscle trembling, barely able to walk, but instead of being able to gett healthier, and sstronger, I have opus dei dumbasses evaluating me, trying to see when I can withstand another 2 or 3 weeks of torture. Fuck them. Fuck you. And fuck you have done to my body and brain. You can't do it to my spirit, however, which remains indomitably aligned with God and Christ, and therefore has nothing in common with the perverted brand of spiritual brainwashing that you blaspheme to call Christian.
No need to get upset Tita. You hurt. You are in pain. You are depressed over the nearly 10 pounds of weight gain during ther last three weeks (not to mention the utter loss of life and wasted time). But you have got to go shopping, and already I dread it. I know the fuckers weill be drugging me up in the stores, making me so autistic that I have to close my eyes (they did it yesterday at Walmart, making it impossible for me to finish my list). It's kinda hard to shop that way--drugged to the point that the eyes have to close because they are overwhelmed by stimule,), and especially for someone like me--who hates shopping anyway, and find it emotionally draining. But nothing for it. Have to do it. Already I dread my day. Alaready my back is killing it with muscle spasm. I pray i can get everything done today.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Brief abatement in mental torture,but physically Im still a wreck.

Brief abatement in mental torture,but physically Im still a wreck. Last nite i was suffering from severe pains in abdomen as the bloating of stomach (my body didnt even want to drink water because it coulnt get out of the gut, and contributed to severe distension)put unbearable pressure on my abdominal organs. I even peed on the floor when i went to sit on the toilet and could not because the inner organs screamed at having to move and adjust, but i was in too much pain to use muscles to control my urine so i stood in silent, screaming agony while urine dribbled down my leg onto the floor. Now, my abdomen is a little happier, and mentally I am a lot more clear, but i am desperate to try to heal my back and I cannot get a break. I am in spasming pain with my lower and mid back and more than anything else, my body just needs a chance to heal but cant get it. but i have to take advantage of respite--dont know if tomorrow the goddamed rack and screws begin all over again. so God help me persever with the pain Im in--got to try to get some tasks out of the way.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Frrom bad to worse

Frrom bad to worse with fucking drugs. Lower back is compeletely locked making it impossible for me to lift leg and walk. Im so worried--worst fear is that i wont be able to travel. i cannot travel when i am barely mobile and in such severe pain from muscle spasms. too sick to do any shopping or anything. dont even think i can drive, tho i need to get to tpost office. cant read--not because like yesterdcay, because i couldnt concentrate, but because stimuli hurts the brain and just want to shut it down. somehhow have to take out trash today. too sick to take it out last week and now it is overflowing . sometime today, have to take out trash. going to be a very bad, nonfunctional day.
2 hrs later----absolute worst. dont think im going to be able to get out tash. while eating, wish somebody was there to feed me. agonizing pain to lift fork to mouth. every msucle in body locked. would have lowered face to palte and ate like dog, but it hurts to lean back over. everything hurts to type. all i can do is lay in bed and wish for death.

Monday, December 7, 2009


FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS HAVE GOT ME DRUGGED AGAIN. so fucking furious. so sick of this shit. my malaise this morning wasnt cauysed by incipient flu or cold at all--iit was goddamned drugs stealing all my energy. tried to shake but cant shake. cant exercise. body locks up after 10 mins on treadmill--10 mins of sheer agonizing hell while i try to lift legs everything spasming--even my jaw muscle is spasming. but the worst is the weight gain. i cant continue to keep gainig weight. i have no fucking clothes to wear goddamned it. i am sick of being fat and locked up and miserable and not able to move or get energy to do nayhting. right now arms hurt so bad from tryiung to type this. typinsg shouldnt cause fucking muscle pain. then of course, there was the violent impulses again today --when once again, seeing a knife led to suicidal thoughts-hysterical laughing. yep dear, u r still o goddamed sicotrtopics and that is why u feel like shit and cant do anythig. all i can do is hate these sons of bithches--yeh, i know its all patriarchal men behind my suffering. God help me endure

Woke up with a bad head cold

Woke up with a bad head cold--I think I am getting sick but it is hard for me to tell, because the #1 way I know I am getting sick is that I feel bad, and I feel bad all the time! Dizzy, light-headed, fluish, and achy--that is status quo for me. But I have got a congested, painful ear (but I suffer from ear pains all the time--the implanst cause the pain), and I am kicking myself for going for a bike ride yesterday without my hat. The cold wind was whipping into my head and ears, and I knew that wasn't good for me, but the jacket hood was too cumbersome, and I can't remember where I put my wool toboggan. I am all congested with mucous, and recently learned, to my dismay, that benadryl, which I take nearly every night, actually generates excess amounts of mucous, which is certainly isn't good during the cold/flu season. But what can I do? A girl has got to sleep, and every night, going to bed and trying to sleep, is a struggle and even a nightmare. It is unusually cold and gray for New Mexico, and when there is no sun, I just shrink inside. So even though I had tentative plans for today, they are all shot. I had hoped to go to the gym for the first time in two weeks, hoping to start getting off this fat that the lithium just put back on me. I want to be able to fit into somehting other than sweats, when I am with my family. I need to shop for my brothers (I shop by just going to stores and looking around--I've got ideas; I just need to get out and do it). For the first time in a long time, I feel healthy enough to be out and about, but now, with this incipient cold/flu, I just want to stay at home and eat chicken noodle soup with garlic and jalapeno (have to go to the store for that, but boy does that jalapeno break up congested mucous. So I am going to spend all day at home (except for maybe a little store run), and hope that tomorrow the sun is out, and I feel better, and can go and do what I need to do.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Barely functional this mornign

Barely functional this mornign--cannot bear listening to music which normally is source of joy and energ for me. had brain rushes that kept jolting my cns last nite, resulting in the familiar involuntary spasms and electrical jolts that kept me awake all nite. Lithium. No joy, no feeling, just severe depression, making it hard for me to get out of bed and move, tho i tell myself i got to do something about my fithy house. it is like i carry one humdred ton of rocks. but i tell myself to keep going. keep going , no matter how hard. right now i got to lay down and go to bed. physically body is thrashed. find it hard to enven walk.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Definetly being force fed lithium

Definetly being force fed lithium--realized how fried mty brain was when I tried to send some emails, and i couldnt remember the spiel I always use or even write a paragraph. It took me long seconds to remember what my work history was. i even did not use proper domain names--simple mistakes that a normally healthy mind would catch immediately, but my brain is fried on the goddamned fucker's poison and i cannot remember or catch simple things. how much fucking brain cells are you pieces of shit going to kill off this time. turn me into a goddamned vegetable. i have no desire to live in a world where motherfuckers liek opus dei, ratzinger and fascist jesuits own and enslave me. you can destreoy my body and even my brain youd goddmanecd mother fuckers, but my sould I protect and enfence it with a hatred and vehemence that NEVER NEVER will you penetrate. GO TO HELL, ALL OF YOU. too sick to go any further. but rest assured my contempt for u knows no bounds.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Psycotropic hell

Psycotropic hell. lithium i guess by my expanding belly. too sick to do anything. dont know how im going to shower and dress tomorrow to see dale. maybe i wont. im too goddamned to do anything. house is a mess, but cant deal with it. cant even open eyes. hurts to get stimuli, like lithium, also intense pressure behind eyes and tenderness in head like lithium my god my god why have you forsaken me to the goddmned agents of satan, the roman cahoilic church. no one deserves the suffering i am being forced thru. no one. god hel; me.


FUCKED UP BEYOND BELIEF on whatever fucking chemical poison the religious fasscists have got in me now. i swing between uncontrollable despair and furious furious rage (as in FUCK YOU MOTHERF UCKERS GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. DO YOU HEAR YOU GODDAMNED PIECES OF SHIT? DO YOU GET IT?F GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER. Words don't do justice to the intensity. i gues it si better than the suicidal ideation that i have been steeped in the past few days. mentally, im not in reality. physically i can barely walk on numb legs. way too sick to do any kind of phyusical exercise. my belly is ice cold again. shaking out of the question. house is a fucking mess, but im not in reality enough to deal with it. i just want to escape the hell hole that these fuckers have put me in. why? my guess is its the stupidass christians at it again. well, guess what fuckers, i want nothing to do with you . to o hard to even type, arms dont even work. what a fucked up life i suffer/endure. wish to god i were fucking dead. one thing for sure, it beats being manipulated , poisoned, tortrured by a bunch of ereligious fascists who dare to call themselves christian. god get me out of htis chemical hell, please, please please.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My God.

My God. I can't believe that I survived the sheer hell and torture that was yesterday. Words cannot even begin to describe the depths of suffering and pain. I'm fairly certain that it is all instigated by the luciferian/satanic fuckers (whether religious--Ratzinger/opus dei/Jesuits or political--Obama and the evil, scheming, rich financiers and media complex completely responsible for this traitorous, lying rise to power. I think that they fear that I am getting close to knowing "the mystery" that they vouchsafe only to initiates, or maybe they feel like they desperately need a "boost" from a fresh transfer of allegiance to their domain and agenda of sheer evil.
I can't be sure, but I think all of the suffering I endure is an attempt to pickle my brain so the demonic angels can access and channel my brain. Their stupidity cannot be emphasized enough. I have had direct access and spiritual channel to the Holy Lord God, His Son Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, and the mystical communion of saints. Nof for one minute am I going to be fooled by the evil of Satan, Lucifer, Sananda Kanat,Our Lady Nada, Nesara, the Sirians, the Argathans, or any other host of evil.
I can't understand why they just don't kill me. Surely they know I will never swing their way. Death is preferable to the suffering these people put me thru. Even now, I have woken up as out of a deep sickness or severe migraine, wrung out, limp, sore, and tentative. My poor back and body is so sore and twisted, it hurts to move. I feel as tho I have been stretched out on a rack and had my limbs torn from end to end. It's not going to be a good day. Body desperately needs rest and healing, but already the fuckers have started their torture again. Help me persevere as long as I breathe, Jesus, but to be honest, death would be very welcome. My poor body. I am sorry you are put thru this. God help me. Amen.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Pain--unbelievable, unbearable pain. muscles so spasmed hurts to breeathe, to move, totype. to do anything. entire back arched in pain, locked in spasm lay down and fantaxiae about death and heroin. woudl do anything to be free of this neverending pain.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Recovery from sheer hell in progress

Recovery from sheer hell in progress--body is trashed. Day before yesterday, I tried to do a little ball exercise--my body is so fucked up, I couldn't do 20 minutes worth of exercise. Even worse, the goddamned torturers download extra pshychotropics while exercising. Talk about a disincentive. Even today, when my mind is relatively clear, my body hurts. I literally cannot put my head on my chest without pain, from neck and upper back spasms. Still hurts to breathe--due to muscle spasms in my abdoment and back. I can't reach down to touch my toes. I havent done yoga in two weeks, but was too sick with psychotropics, to go anywhere. On top of that is the realization that TPTB continue to progress with their expected agenda of splitting off my personality (I think it is because demonic spirits want to appropriate a "split-off" part of my personality for their very own. So many thoughts on my mind, but so little real time to develop anything--I have so many things to do on a day when my mind is clear enough to do them.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Upper back spasms

Upper back spasms led to severe asthma last night. Scary to not be able to breathe, but cant go to dr. cant get what really need, heavy duty muscle relaxers. woke up this morning back is so bad, so tender, sp painful, hurts to inhabit my body. not functional right now. eyes dont want to open. too autistic to take in reality. i am forcing myself to move. desperately need to go to yoga, in hopes i can address some of muscle spasming, pain. i got three hours to try to get body into decent enought shape to drive ten miles to corrales. forget evrthing else--gym, flower markete,, just get to yoga and back. In the meantime the asthama and respiratiory disress are cauing me to come down with cold/flu symptoms--all related to not being able to breeathe well. One last note, dreamed last nite chinese had scored big victory in hidden war. do my problems have anything to do with maurice strong (felt compelled to surf on him the last couple of dayys) doling out his occultic bag of trics to his new patrons and benefactors. dont know. need to get online and see what all the moronic new age occultic gullibles are saying (Dear ones, there is an activation portal open now. Your ascension is imminent. Disregard momentary Pain. It is all part of the birthing process. Bullshit bullshit bullshit. and all the dumbasses say amen). I can't work with the dream tho cuz all i have is the one image, not the dream, so i cant work with it. It could be anything. all i know is that i have about three hours to try to get in good enuf shape to drive. have to tr.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Getting the Jabba the Hut feeling again

Getting the Jabba the Hut feeling again as I try to drag around my bloated, fluid-filled body against an inertia of psychotropic drugs that leave me lethargic and irritable, cranky and just hating life. I know its going to be a bad day when I wake up groaing, hating life, and that is what my life is becoming again. I try to shake to clear my head and bhody, but I can't get much relief. Everything is so heavy and difficult, and once again, I feel that I am fighting the stupidass roman catholic fasco-zealots. What inspired me to look up sli last nite, I don't know--I saw their link while surfing Hanne Strong, and clicked on it to see if justice has prevailed and they are no more. Of course I was happy to learn a few years ago that Tessa and Dave were laicized, separated from their community. I can only wonder what caused that--fear of a civil judgment brought against the sli by another victim of their egregious spiritual and psychological abuse? Or was it an ecclesiastical judgment initiated by the highest levels--the anti-Christ Ratzinger can't have been too happy to have me slip the tight grasp of the fasco-zealots (though they still keep a rein on me through the Jesuits of the intelligence community and opus dei). I don't know and I don't care. Maybe next year i will click on a link again, and maybe not. But just as there is no doubt in my mind that D&T are still running the sli show, there is no doubt that the religious fasco-zealots are still determined to force me into their camp and likely are the ones behind the recent drugging I endured. I can see their hand in other places too--my scratched up truck (what a laugh, you stupid fucks), the continuing to drug me at the most inconvenient of times, etc. These morons have no idea of how little I respect them or their community. There are people I know who truly care for me, and those are the people who keep me going--the people who respect my free will, the people who realize the lost years and pain and suffering I have endured at the hands of the fasco-zealots. As a woman of that ilk told me years ago, when I lamented at how I had lost years of my life--"At least you know that they are lost years. Many people lose years of their life and don't even know it." Honesty, instead of that saccharine religious sentimentality, or worse, lies in the service of an idolatrous divine imperative, such as the brainwashed of the rc church and opus dei follow and pray that I become blinded by and ensnared as well. And yes, I welcomed the compassion, and being at one with me as well , because I can only speak and bear witness to the truth, and that is what I look for in relationships and intimacy. It is in hopes of being in free relationship (I almost wrote realationshp--which is a better word)that I keep going. I know from experience that such realationships is what gives me the security and support to be most truly myself and excel in all endeavors--being lonely and isolated PREVENTS creativity and fruition (which is why I will talk to Dale, but find it difficult to write. But the fasco-zealtots don;t want to here that--they do not want a free child of God in creative endeavor--they want a subjugated slave spewing out their approved version of reality (which guess what people--AINT ALL THERE). Anyway, time to break this off--fucking PTB have got me in agonizing muscle spasms (no doubt whatever brainwashed idiot is responsible for reading this doesnt like what Im saying and is pouring on the shit), so I ve got to go

Friday, November 27, 2009

Back to swollen, painful, neuropathic legs

Back to swollen, painful, neuropathic legs with infected ankles-- I alread have over a dozen laser cuts/scars to my ankles and feet. I imagine i will wake up with one more. My feet is suffering from increasing pain--the implants are causing the pain. Gone is my brief return to psychological normalcy, when I woke up full of energy and verve. Now i am struggling to get through life, as i deal with a swollen body, belly, and some kind of heartburn that even attacks when i drink water. been here before. the only thing i can do is hope that the neuropathic pain in legs doesnt get too bad.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Functional, but body is reeling

Functional, but body is reeling from the lost days. Gained weight. Back is thrashed. Still drugged--struggling to stay present to reality. so much goddamned speed in my system, i can barely function. going to tyr to shake to see if i can at least get up to do anything. just talked to my bro on fone--not even present. so fucked up on this goddamned shit.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Stretch marks running down both legs

Stretch marks running down both legs (been a long time since that happened), gaining weight (after I worked so hard to lose just a little bit, the goddamned luciferian fuckers caused the extra gain) all lead me to believe that once again im force fed lithium. oh, did i mention the violent suicidal ideation, the intense rages and homicidal impulses, the severe depression and mood swings? oh how about the inability to feel or relate to anything. how being drunk makes me more functional in reality than sover. been here before. i know lithium and what it does to me. i just don t know why the fuckers keep pouring it down my throate. i know now that to these mind rapists that the whole point is int the rape. these fuckers are such inhuman losers they can only feel human by destroying another person's humanity, innocence and love. and me, in all my naievte, all i can do is curl up and try to protect what i know is a soul, a lifeline to God, and not that ersatz luciferian shit they have got a significant minority believing is spirituality. i dont know how much longer i can keep going. its more than physica.l. its mental and psychological. i long just to go to sleep forever wake up in another time, when i m not brutalized, raped, chemcially poisoned and tortured. just dont see it happening soon.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Once again, waking up wishing I were dead

Once again, waking up wishing I were dead. go to sleep, fantaxizing about slitting wrists or blowing head off. dont hav a gun. probably good thing. when i am so fucked up, no telling what i could do in moment of desperation. and i am desperate. desperate to feel like a human bieng instead of a sack of painwracked s, muscle spasmed shit. cannot function. Dale told me to write. ha! I cant even read, not even basic reading on the internet. brain cannot think absorb, ponder . all i can do is lay in misery watch tv, with absolutely no emotions or interest. gaiing weight again. absolutely implssible to do anything physical. desperate to do launcry, go to post office, buy groceries but am too fucked up to drive. to fucked up to do any kind of chore. looks like a tv dinner for thanksgiving for me. that i s fine. nothing to be thankful for. definitely too sick to go anyerher. just wish my lif was over. be over . tired of suffering. tired of this hsit. tired of never ending pain. tired of not being able to function, much less live. tire.

Monday, November 23, 2009

When is this hell going to end?

When is this hell going to end? another nonfunctional day, unable to do anything, do laundry, go shopping, call amtrack. body hurts so bad. every fuckin muscle i have is spasming and my spine is completely trashed from the neverending spasm. i have a badly pulled muscle in lower back from spasming. if the goddamned sirians stopped their goddamned poisoining right now, it would take over a week to get my body into shape where i could actually live in my own body without pain. but thats not the plan for the goddamned fucers, the plan is to turn me into a channeler for their luciferian agenda. I may not have anythig to do with the Church, but I will not be a false prophet for these would be enslavers of humanity. Most certainly i would never want anyone to go thru the hell i go thru every single day of my life. unbearable pain, violated dreams, dear God when will this end?

After a hell nite, body is trashed

After a hell nite, body is trashed. I feel as if I have gone 16 orunds in a boxing ring with a boxer. Every muscle aches, and my muscles have pressure points of tenderness. The back is the worst, with my spine tender and unable to rotate, as well as my neck. All I want to do is sit in in a hot tub and let my body try to heal from this tremendous traumatic assault it has endured past few days. But instead i need to push forward. any day that my brain is functioning is a good day. Dreams last nite confirmed suspicions fo whois behind this suffering--the Jesuit Order (in alliance with the rest of their fascist occultists--Opus Dei and fratzinger). I never liked to pick on the jesuits,, always feeling like they were unfairly victimized, but there is no doubt that there higher echelon people are major players in the war of the occult upon Christ and true Christians (that would include me). They don't care if i spend the rest of my life a blathering idiot or in agonizing pain. They are calculated amoralists who are only interested in using me (even if just my unconscious) to further their luciferian objectives. What a messed up state of affairs.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

never ending hell

never ending hell--cant believe the level of drugging pain i am in. force myself to try to go for bike ride. so fucked up icant go more than a couple of miles. then come back slammed by psychotropic download that spasms my back so bad i cant hold head up strait. upper should er locked in permanent spasm. long for flexiril, major painkillers, anything to stop goddamned pain. menwhile lower back is permanently out because of lower back spasms. all so godamned fmotherfuckers can get their stupidsass aliens to hack into my brain. too much pain to care........

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Neverending shit

Neverending shit--literally. A week ago, I was given drugs that had me shitting 5 times a day--I had to go to toilet within a half hour of eating everything, but I didn't complain because mentally I felt well. I knew too, that it may have been related to my "autistic gut" (which the medical community won't admit exists, but which families of autistics, and autistics themselves know exist. I was preparing to go glutein/casein free when TPTB abruptly changed course, and gave me some drug that has left me constipated to the point of pain. I have abeen hree before too. I had to pay fifty dollars for a colon cleanse i was so cloogeged up. Now the pain is back as well as muscle spasms, migraines and inability to concentrate. In addiition to the very real physical pain, I dont feel mentally well at all. I canat live with this kid of clogged up, painful gut. I am going to take a ubiquitol to see if that causes release (it causes bowel movememt)if that doesnt work i am going to have to go spend a buch of money on stuff to help relive pressure on colon--aloe vera juice, teas, etc. rightnow just got to suffer thru the pain.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Are the Fascists back on top?

Are the Fascists back on top? Question I ask myself after two days of hell. Gone is my recent joy at living life, and back again is the feeling of dragging thru life, suffering and end enduring pain. My head is so heavy I cant lift it. My back hurts from muscle sp0asms. But mostly it is the brain tumor feeling in my head that makes it impossible to drag thru life. I dont feel well at all. I feel like shit. try to shake but I feel to o bad.

Monday, November 9, 2009

fucking sick again

fucking sick again. nonfucntional all day. severe migraine. cant watch tv. cant drive motion sickness makes it impossible to drive. dont know what is causing this resurgence of shit. too sick to think about it right now. desperately needc to clean house take care of details too damned sick to do anythin

Thursday, November 5, 2009

In agonizing back pain after a day of sheer hell

In agonizing back pain after a day of sheer hell yesterday. Mind woke up a lil clearer, but offset by severe muscle spasms caused by the extreme musle lock from the previous two days. hurts to breathe, to sit to stand. no one could be more miserable than me in my constant pain and drug brainwiped state. I went for a test yesterday , dont know how i took it. i was so fucke up i couldnt drive. i had to take long way hoe, took fucked up to make left had turn. now i am just in pain, severe pain. i guess i am being bounced from political mind torturers to religious tortures all trying to get mee to confess and conform to their warped vision of reality. me i just insist on my God given freedom, but ittt doesnt matter. I aaaaam in hell. haave to try fomove. can nnon lnongger sit here. too fucke up

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Torture started again

Torture started again--fucked up day caused by massive headches and psychtoropic drug download. dont recognize face or eyes. watched v on tv. i wish there was some resistance cell i could belong to. wish i could be. feel like human being again instead of miserable fucked up, pain filled blob with swollen face. have to take test tomorrow. too sick to study for it today. i hope i can pass it tomorrown. have taken tests before with this fuckin poison in system . definitely affects peromance. who am i kidding. how the fuck can i hold a job when i am so fucked up on all this shit. but my reslove is strong. fuck you assholes fuck yeryone of you goddamne d alien tratitors. id rather die than join.

Very tired

Very tired after three nites of fighting back the brain/dream hackers. How successfully--I don't know. I do know that I don't trust any dreams which occur on the nites when I feel that my brain is being hacked--and yes I know. The worst part of it tho, is waking up feeling so tired and drained--totally unlike the aftermath of a natural dream state when one wakes up feeling peaceful, refreshed and/or energized. On top of everthing else, I have had bad news on the employment/financial front. When one is tired, it is so difficult to handle bad news. After a nite of tossing and turning, my back is contorted and twisted. I tell myself to try to get up and do little things. small acts, to try to move forward in my day, but the turht is that I am so tired, that I just want to lay down and sleep. I can't tho'. I have to take a test tomorrow. I have to take some small steps.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

The wow is over

The wow is over and life is back to its regular subpar normal. Once again, I am suffering from nerve pain in my legs, as the fluid continues to accumulate on my nerve ganglia and my feet. I look at my ankles and feet with all the crisscrossed laser lines and wonder if I might eventually lose my feet and/or legs to amputation. Because I know the kind of substandard and lying medical treatment I will get, it's no use to ask a doctor---I just have to take life one dy at a time. I am functional today, as yesterday, but other than that, things have returned back to FUBAR normal. I walked yestercay to the library (about one mile round trip), but knew I couldn't meet my original goalof walking to the post office (round trip--two miles. I feel like a 70 year old senior, when I attempt to walk--so precarious and difficult to walk on totally deadened, neuropathic legs.
Then, there was the humbling realization that no poetry would take place. I had gone to the library, just to read. Since it is winter, I am hoping to spend at least part of my day in the library, so that I don't run up a huge heating bill that I cannot afford. But, as usual, going out in public just gives my torturers the opportunity to start the psychotropic drug download, which makes it impssible to concentrate or read anything. I am trying to read HP Blavatsky to get a grip on the occult understanding of demonic possession, since it is clear that is what TPTB have in mind for me. Of course, Christian that I am, I resist with all my might, but it is hard to keep up a meaningful resistance, when so much of it happens when I am defenseless in sleep. But once again--for the past two nights, I have had my dreams interfered with, so once again I am not capable of much, except watching tv. But I can't afford cable any longer. I thought of going to satellite which would be more affordable. Then, I realized it would enable the AAS (alphabet agency spooks)to amplify their attempts to hijack my unconscious, so that is not an option. Once again, feeling the depression and hopelessness that comes with not being healthy or mentally clear, but I have my FAITH, and hope in God to sustain me. So sustain me, Senor.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Wow! All I can say after two days of mental concentration and lack of physical pain that is rare for me to experience. I still am drugged, but at nowhere near the levels I have suffered and endured for the last 4-5 years. I couldn't believe it when I noticed myself writing in cursive yesterday--my handwriting had the tight, neat scipt reminiscent of (what feels like)a previous, and entirely different, lifetime--when my mind was capable of intense focus and concentration. I have two styles of handwriting--one for quick notes or letters to friends--and that handwriting is large and sloppy, as I am borne along by my natural emotions of happiness and sometimes, even exuberance. But I have another, equally natural, handwriting style--that of a very tight and small (and neater) scipt, which is what I use when I am writing notes, or thinking at a deep level. I haven't seen myself write in that script in years, but yesterday I did.
I can tell, too, that I am reading on a different wavelength for the first time in years--namely I am able to appreciate the written word as language, as poetry, as aesthetic, instead of just information bits. Maybe tomorrow, I will try to read poetry, something I haven't been able to do, meaningfully, for years.
Last night while struggling to sleep, I realized that I was suffering from the same symptomology that I experienced when first the damned NSA/PTB began "poisoining" me. It was while I was living with Mary Lou in Rio Rancho, and I noticed that, at nite, while she was at work, the heat would begin venting through the duct grille, and I would suffer from sharp, agonizing joint pains, extreme anxiety, and these peculiar brain/body rushes that made it impossible to sleep. It was like a huge electrical pulse originating in, and shocking in my brain, and then jolting my entire body in an entire-body nervous system shock. It is impossible to fall asleep with that happening. Well, I have lived with untreated pain and joint degradation for so long, that any joint pains I have no longer register as anything other than an annoyance in a brain that has suffered years of unrelenting, chronic pain. But that high anxiety and those intense brain/nervous system electrical brain rushes can still keep me up at night. Anyway, I bring this up because it seems that my brain may be in a similar, more quasi-normal state as it was when this hellish nightmare of chemical poisoning first began. Of course, my brain is not the healthy, high performing organ it once was, but I do sense a letup in the psychotropic drug levels. For one thing, I am more connected to reality. Yesterday, when I went to do my mystery shopping gig--for a free oil change I couldn't get over how easy it was--so different from previous shopping gigs when I struggled to remember and do everything I was supposed to. It is hard to stay on task (remember to time your visit, get the name, etc) when it takes supreme effort to connect to, and stay in reality. It is like being drugged--not in reality. Nor is it a pleasant drug that makes one mellow--it is like speed, which (for me, anyway), leaves one anxious, irritable, angry, unable to focus or concentrate, like (as I always think of it) a demon is nipping at my heels, and pressing me uncomfortably.
Now that I think about it, the shop was playing a radio station of extreme hard rock which usually gets on my nerves after 2 or 3 songs, but because I was so attuned to reality, and not struggling to integrate it, I didn't have that feeling of needing to shut off extraneous environmental stimuli. Instead, I was comfortable in, and fully attuned to the reality that I was in, and even though that is not a favorite style of music for me, I found myself really listening and appreciating it for the entire half hour that I was there! Pretty amazing--not really--that is the way I used to be--not the way that I have been for the last 4 or 5 years.
Still, I am not myself in a healthy way. I spent all day reading, and my room likes like it did when I was in college--half opened books everywhere. I keep adding "must-read" links to my bookmarked pages, but I feel out of control of my studies. Somehow, I need to become better organized. But overall, I am just too "heady" right now. I need to balance it out with physical activity, and some kind of release valve (which in college, and in my 20's and 30's was social and intimate relationships and activity), but which is now tv, since I am denied friendship and relationship. Maybe tomorrow, I will work at balance, but who knows? Maybe tomorrow, I will be so drugged up that I won't be able to move. I just have to take each day as it comes, and not expect to much. I am not in severe nerve pain with my legs, so I will just be grateful for the small things. Hopefully, I can sleep tonight

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Struggling to get up with any initiative. Go go bed feeling like shit. wake up feeling worse. So many little things need to be done but i have no energy or initiative. can't get down to get my winter clothes and space heater up. need to take documentation to dol but have no energy to either walk or even ride my bike downtown. need to make a photocopy but that requires loading the printer driver, and i have no energy or inititve fo find the printer driver and load it. Just feel like a big fat depressed slug, who just wants to cry, lay in bed, eat sugar to try to feel some energy and watch tv. amazing how when i ffeel healthy (which i did for several days, i have absolutely zero interest in tv--i was getting ready to cancel the whole thing), but as soon as Im enervated by psychotropic drugs all i want to do is spend the entire day watching b grade movies. normally they bore me stiff, but when the body and mind is not capable of any self-inititative, its the only thing to do, and amazingly im not bored--im hooked. I look at my face, and see my dead eyes, and downturned mouth, and remember the smiling, joyful, love-life person i once was. too damned sick and depressed to care. cant shake--there is no energy in body to direct and channel. Struggling, struggling, too, to get the mind to work, to make connections, to remember even simple things--mind just runs into a wall. Itls clear as it can be that not only do i suffer from permanent brain damage, but also that this psyhcotropic shit so handicaps my mind that my iq and memory is effectively halved. One final point-- when im on this shit, i dont remember my dreams, unlike normally when i have very narrative and strong, vivid dreams. All the better for the ptb to rape me in my dreams, and not remember a bit of it, or at least notremember enough of it, to interpret it. what a fucked up miserable existence.

Monday, October 26, 2009

A nonfunctional day

A nonfunctional day--too drugged to do anything. all noise stimuli hurts. body hurts. every msle, even biceps ache. woke up groaning--a sure sign that its going to be a nonfunctional day. worse of all is kidney pain extending all over my left side. never stops hurts to breathe my poor body. ketoacidosis going on. i can smell it on my urine for the last two times--not just once. my poor body is being destroyed too sick to care. another day whose only purpose is to wishe were dead.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

And now comes goddamned shit all over again

And now comes goddamned shit all over again--dont know what stupidass motherfucking drugs the fucking prickls have put in my system now. Totally dead. No energy. no ability to feel, no ability to enjoy anything, even a fucking football game. No ability to shake. I have no energy whatsoever. Not able to ride my bike. Just sit here and be high on whatever fucking psychotropic they rammed up my ass this time. Get fat. my fucking appetite is all fucked up., I cant eat. a bowl of stew and a muffin left me feeling like i want to explode. i been on this shit before, it causes me to gain weight. i eat because im desperate to feel some kind of energy, some kind of semblance of life, and my stomach is full and bloated while i put on pound after pound. what a fucking wast e of my fucking life. Miserable, drugged, lifeless and without any vitality.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Luciferians at it again.

Luciferians at it again. I told Dale I would scream if I were screwd, and IM SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. Cab anybody hear? Most certainly not the toruring pricks who keep doing these painful psychotropic downloads on me. So Listen people. This is not the work of God, the sacred, the holy, angels, or even beneficent beings. This is the work of luciferian elements. God is a wooer, not a rapist, and what i experience is nothing but the most excruciatinly painful psychic and physical rape, though my torureres were gracious enough to allow me a couple of days when I almost felt human, but not whole, either physically or spiritually (too complicated to go into when i am so sick but i know what it is to live life to the full, n it certainly hasnt happened for years now). Anywat diwbkiads begab wguke was washing dishes. try so hard to get my house clean but everuu time i begin a project, the goddamned download starts, and with the agonizing muscle spasms, which right now r so bad i cannot even stand. i never know when the spasm is going to go and literally nearly knock me to ground. then there is the brain--the immediate shut down of ability to interface with reality all i can do is lie in bed and groan. no tv tonite. too mcuh pain. dont know if i can do yoga tomorrow. not if legs r like they r now. cant even lifte them. totally dead. too dead to even get in shower so im really going to have to wake up early tomorrow if i make it to yoga. right now too sik to care. bed.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Pain. Pain Pain

Try to exercise to get kinks out of a body that is hypersensitve to touch everywhere. every muscle is tender. too much headache to keep eyes open. such terrible pain. no relief. all i ask for is a supportive woman to touch and massage spasming muscles--instead i get pix of pricks. just what i need some self absorded dickhead in love with his penis when I desperately want and need someone sensive and skilled in use of hands. well nothing for it but to uste otc drugs and cry. pain is too much. God, send me a beautiful woman to help me endure this hell that is my life. A beautiful woman would make so much so better

Some relief from the psychotropics

Some relief from the psychotropics but body is completely wracked and out of whack from the last two days of relentless muscle spasms. My lower back is so messed up that I literally cannot stand up straight, walk normally or twist to clean myself after using the toilet. My lower back is completely curved into maximum scoliosis. My head still hurts and is tender. No time for self-pity though. One thing is clear. The goddamned pieces of shit responsible for my suffering will not let up. I have to take whatever respite I get and try to catch a psychic breath. I have to try to do somehting about my wracked, spasmed back, I have to clean house, do laundry and go grocery shopping before the fucking pigs turn the screws on their psychotropic rack once again. One good thing about clarity--helps crystallize the hatred to and resistance against these manipulative lying pigs and everything they stand for and attempt to achieve. Every day that I lay in bed, unable to move with suffering and pain, I pray that my agony count against their ambitions and agendas. One thing I know about this whole co0mplex of power tripping abusive torturers and tools of Satan, is that they know (and are very adept at) the power of the spirit world. It is the only power open to me, as powerless and trapped and truly sick as I am. No time for self-pity. Have to try to do something for my poor, abused, muscle spasmed body.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Nonfunctional after a horrible painfilled nite. Lost day. Hurts to breathe, type. move legs. so dead they cant walk. have to drag. Head hurst cant open eyes. everym muscle in body in spasm. nothing i can do. apparently this is punishment for pulling covers off the nocount naked emperer. all i can do is pray for death. have no desire to be a part of thes torturers assholes plans. too sick to do anything. in too much pain

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

TPTB have really amped up the torture

TPTB have really amped up the torture in the last couple of days. My legs are walking stumps. I am in so much pain from my nerves on my left side from hips to knees, even tho i cant feel my legs. Migraine headaches from the downloads which make me nauseas. But overall, I am happy, happy because the morhterfuckers, no matter how they try, can't destroy my free will. And I choose to be fully human, fully alive by insisting upon acting on my free will no matter the pain and suffering, and pain and suffering r pretty bad right now. The only question i ask myself now, is whether it is time. appropriate to take things to the next level. When I have nothing to lose. but its not just about it--taking things to next level could have widespread repercussions that i wouldnt want. But honestly, can i stand by and suffer while these fuckers try to force their warped evil vision of reality on all of America???? Some things to ponder in next few days, hard to think when i am so fucked up on drugs and with unending pain.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Legs are getting worse

Legs are getting worse and worse--deader and deader as I try to walk or move. Pain is getting worse too. I spent the last two nites crying as I struggled with the pain. Even now, I just want to shake to get rid of pain, too late at nite to listen to shaking music tho.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Another bad day

Another bad day--nearly passed out in the truck and feeling like shit now. All kinds of shit going on but I cant get a grasp on it because i am too fucked up on this goddamned alien shit that destroys my body and brain (all the better to serve the evil empire, my dear). on tv watched segment on brain damage and rewiring--i realize that i now clearly am suffering from symnptoms of brain damage caused by the lithium. I never used to shut eyes and move hands when talking. too sick to make any sense. need to go to bed, knock out on alcohol tylenol pm and hope i wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another level of torture begins

Another level of torture begins--constant migraines, nausea, and vertigo. I spent part of the day laying down with a sheet wrapped around my head. Felt a lil better after taking a fiornal (but I can't continue to take fiornal--i don't have enough of the medication)/ Went for a bike ride, it was a lovely autumn day in the bosque--the kind that makes me long for intimate companionship. Then back home to more nausea. I can feel the tenderness in my head, the bulging need for pressure in my neck and constant vertigo and dizzinesss. The eyes once again do not want to open. Couldn't even watch tv because the images were making me even more nauseaus--especially of motion. Tried to do some shaking, but i was so sick that i could not shake until i laed down and just moved my legs. On top of it all, I am sick with sweaty heat and nauseza. even writing this , i feel the goddanned shit downloading, the heat , nausea, ssick. i probably will end up taking fenergan. too sick to write anymore

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Politics may be changing but the goddamned religous zealots

Politics may be changing but the goddamned religous zealots continue to hound and harass my life. I've had a very hard day with a sick friend but it doesn't help to come home and have the goddmaned pricks downloading all these psychotropics in my head. I am so sick and nauseated with severe headache and vertigo. worst of all my body muscles are now locked because i havent been able to do any yoga. the ongoing neverending pain of back spasms is sheer hell. i hoped to go to yoga but tomorrow but right now i am on the cusp of being comepletely nonfunctional once again with pain. i am so sick of this fucking shit. i got cockroaches all over my house because i was too goddamned sick to have the pesticide man pay a svc call. i just am too sick to do anything.
But hell, that is okay the fucking opus dei and roman catholic police are still at it, trying to get a "saint" they can own and understand, playing stupid games as if i don't know that they follow ever "healing" however mild or innocuous i attempt, or try to hide from me my own hermaphroditic nature. Why? Becauyse in their small little world, that indicates special status. Bullshit. I am no more special than all the rest of the intersexed men and women of the world. That poor South African runner who was roundly humiliated for her intersex nature is not more a potential saint or icon of special humanity than I am. Than EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the world is, whether definitely male, female or intersexed. My healing abilities are no more special than those of the 10-15% of the world population that has healing ability (nearly all of it latent, unrecognized, untapped and unappreciated. Why? Because of religious zealots who, like the ones who persecute me, deny their free will, their own self-empowerment, and their own choice at self-identity. And why not? Look at the hell I have suffered by insisting on being free and self-determined. So, the poor pathetic relisious zealots, without an ounce of genuine spirituality in their makeup, move to control me, to fetishize me, to be celibate (or at least heterosexual--"no no no--there's no such thing as a saint who is actively homosexual"--that is because they have no clue what constitues sanctity, obedient to their sick warped satanic Pope, and available for their every projection. FUCK YOU ALL. I prayed for Lupe today, even though it was very sad to see her sick to the point of dying, because Lupe did not treat me like a "saint" (i.e she didn't put webcams in my house to watch my every move, she didn't insist that I conform to her expectations, she didn't drug me against my will so that I would be the "good girl" "kept woman" model image of feminity that Catholics so prize, and that the SLI and the teachings of JPII tried to shove down my throat, until the point of comeple disassociation. Any real woman would do the same, but there are a lot of psychological girls in the zealot's ranks who do their bidding and contribute to the prison walls that is now my life, but better to be free inside of my soul and heart and imprisoned on the outside, than to be imprisoned on the inside while the Catholic spiritual lameasses all flock around wanting me to touch them to heal them. Fuck that. Healing does not occur until the person wanting to be healed takes up their own co-creating responsibility for healing. And Lupe with all of her psychological problems, was NOT a "girl." For all of her bad habits and heavy drinking, she took more responsibility for her healing than all the rest of these candle-lighting, pathetic crowd demanding a saint. Why? Because she never expected or assumed healing of me. I was not a "saint" to her. I was a friend. She drank whiskey with me. She ate barbeque and Thanksgiving turkey with me. She gave me 5 Vicodin when I was suffering terribly from the goddamned lithium and brain stem strangulation--that was a guardian angel move, because I don't know how i could have survived that time frame without those Vicodin (I broke them into thirds). She told ribald jokes to me, and laughed and chatted with me about nothing consequential, which for someone of my intensity, is the most refreshing and appreciated of gifts. She was uncomfortable with my being lesbian, but she accepted me as I was and understood that even though she didn't understand my sexual orientation, she knew that I was still a good person, and allowed me the freedom to be me, including my lesbian sexuality. That is why my prayer had (and hopefully, has--at least until tomorrow) efficacy for Lupe, because she was a friend to me who went out of her way to try to make my life a little easier. For all you 10-15%ers, you need to start shaking off the shackles of organized religion, and recognize your spiritual freedom and self-empowerment because the world needs you. I need a friend, an intimate friend. Situations like today remind me how desperately I need someone to share my life. I need someone to talk to, someone to hold me, and to love me, and to cuddle with me. I need someone to massage my spasmed back, to kiss me and caress me, someone to relieve my sorrow and loneliness. Instead I got nothing but the goddamned spies reading every word and monitoring me from multiple webs while they say, and chanting the same old tired litany, drinking the same old wine--"Well just tell God how lonely you are and God will fill everything, and then we will have our celibate, "pin the tail on the donkey" saint. These assholes don't get it. Never have. They are living according to an outdated template that has no validity for the future, and especially for my future. But they won't listen (hell, they still play the same game of disinterest), so there's nothing for it but a nite of pain and suffering--gotta try to sleep with my back so fucked up and my head spinning with vertigo.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A nite of screams and tears

A nite of screams and tears as violent pain once agrain wracked my body--especially my whole left side of lower bag, buttock, hip and thigh. The nerve pain is just unbelievable. I can see the necrotized, absent (dented) tissue in my thighs where the implants are literally destroying my body, and sending the shooting pain to nerves in my thighs.
I woke up with the head a lil clearer, as if the psychotropic drugs I have been forcefed the last three days are gone. Unfortunately the goddamned mothefuckers so traumatized my brain and body so badly that I still am severely dysfunctional. Once again, I am suffering from severe vertigo--I'm not talking mild dizziness--I'm talking a feeling of imbalance and violent dizziness so severe that I have to walk holding onto something for balance, and fear passing out or collapsing in a heap whenever the vertigo hits--which it does every time I move, even if just a slight turn, my head. I am not seeing out of my right eye, and my entire head, but especially the right side is tender to the touch. My brain is not right--jphysically/spatially speaking--it feels like it is pressing against the top of my skull and down on my neck. Even though it is extremely heavy, I feel giddily lightheaded, especially when I walk, as if I am down with a high, high fever (which has only happenedd a couple of times in my life, but I recognize it). I am hoping that my brain is swollen, and that as the swelling recedes so will the vertigo and my tenuous ability to function in reality. Otherwise, what has happened is the severe head pain and trauma has once more caused my inner ear "rocks" to roll out of place, and there is no treatment for that but physical therapy. This happened once before when I had a severe migraine, but I had insurance then, and access to a good physical therapist who healed it. My body is so wracked and traumatized by migraines and head pain on such a regular, nearly daily basis, that I quit crying over it a long time ago. Like an animal, I just suffer mutely, in neverending pain at the hands of my torturers. Now the severe head trauma may have rolled my rocks again, but the mds I see are next to worthless, and I can't go to the ER because of fear of being forced again into the hell that is a psychiatric hospital. It is better to be in hell in my home, than in a hospital with a bunch of really ill people, and stupidass doctors who only have access to the factual info they memorized and no commonsense or depth of awareness of the human personality and reality whatsoever. So I am going to have to try to live with this new level of suffering. I have to try to drive today--just a little bit--to see if it is possible for me to drive all the way to Corrales tomorrow to see Dale. Just take it slow, Tita, take everything very slowly.
Addendum--after taking a shower for the first time in threee days and getting into a pair of shorts, it is clear that the goddamned fuckers have once again caused me to gain weight. my guess is about three or maybe four pounds. i have no access to a scale but i can tell by the way my clothes DON'T fit me, that once again the pieces of shit have put on fat on my body--fat that I will never get rid of, fat that makes it impossible for me to wear clothes that already are at the limit of rack and wear, fat that drives me to despair because i know no matter how i try i cant lose it. One thing is clear from this last interlude--there is absolutely no point in trying to maintain my body--every effort on my part is met by a redoubling of the drugs and pain. I'm better off just being a slug watching tv, and hoping that one of these days these stupidass motherfuckin g pieces of shit sends my tortured body into a stroke or coma from which i never recover. Better to be Beatrix, and being raped, while I am unconscious, than to be conscious as I am, and to endure this neverending nitemaring of psychic rape and aware bodily torture.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Another lost day

Another lost day--mostly spent in bed with good moments of being able to watch tv, but not for long peroiosd or with any interest. The most disturbing physical symtom to manifest itself has been a severe vertigo. I cannot even tilt my head without swooning to the point of feeling faint. No way i can drive like this. ill pass out turning head. i swoon every time i stand up or move my head in the slightes. this is in addition to ongoing jpain , severe nerve pain, which has me crying out right now. to make it worse, moving head makes me dizzy, gives me vertigo. wont e surprised if goddamned piesces of shit fuckers have messed up my inner ear again, migraine has been so severe like last time i had this vertigo, but i no longer have insurance to get it fixed. God knows the stupid mdds ofthis medical system wont know how to heal it, cant afford physocl therapist.

brain stem being strangled again

brain stem being strangled again--i know, in addition to not being able to bear any stimuli whatsoever, my eyes can't move. no lateral or up, down movement. its like i have a mixed gaze. learned this from online, how i dianosed myself with brain stem strangulation in first place. i figured it out but the sorry lameass nuerologist gurule had no idea. i am too sick to move, too sick to do anything. im so glas i cancelled pest svc, because i am too sick to pick up my house and too sick to escort the man around. too sick to do anything. head hurts so bad. severe severe headache. normally i would take fironal but because i dont hanve adcccess to prescription, thanks to the goddamned dumbass mds who believe the mib instead of looking at reality in the flesh thinks im a dope addict, so i have to suffer with headache. if it gets too bad i wll take it. dizzy, drugged, so fucked up, but still defiant in my proclamation that i am a free human beign and just because u fucking pigs cant get inside of my head to read it or program it, is all the more reason why i want nothing ot do with u , n ur warped vision of reality. its going to be a bad day. nothing i can do but suffre in slienc.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

very very sick

very very sick, spent most of day in bed. cancelled svc because too sick to even pickup, clean house a lil bit. canot bear any sound, except most gentle soothing. cannot read, cannot think, watched a lil tv but not really. imnot really in realizty, at least psychologically, physically i continue to sufffer from sever pain, but im so fucked up i dont care about anything. just want this hell to end.

Yes, definitely wish I were unconscious in this hell

Yes, definitely wish I were unconscious in this hell that is my life. beatrix kiddoo you wuss. Night of unimaginable pain and suffering as i couldnt even hold out leg straiht without severe nerve pain. figured out that i have some kind of bleeding going on in my nerve damaged legs. what i feel in my outer thighs as knots are actually capillaries and they are bursting into bleeding sores on the oustide of my thighs. I have a bout a half dozen sores on my left leg n one on my right. woke up too sick to do anytning but lay in bed. im suposed to have a pesiticide man comin gtomorrow. thinking of canceling it because i dont know where i will get energy o do one hor worh of work that needs to be done. i am so fucked up right now i cannot imagine doing anything.

Monday, October 5, 2009

i envy beatrix

i envy beatrix--at least she was unconscious for her four years of hell. i have to feel it--nobody could feel as bad as i do. severe nerve pain, muscular weakness, inability to keep eyes open. beelly cold, i would suspect risperdol exept i smell overwhelming ammonia, nitrogen in my urine, so bad i had to even pee. more than anything elese i just want to be fucking dead so this ficking suffering is sover no revenge, just eascape from this fucking hell that is my life. on top of all that i am sfussuffering from severe heat flashes--in october. so overheated ic ant stnad my own body sick of htis shit god, please please end it all. my life is not worth living.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

For the first time in years,

For the first time in years, I forced myself to run. I didn't run very far--I ran in bursts of 20-50 yards for about a half hour. Pretty awesome achievement for someone like me, who cannot feel or control my legs. It was hardest on the hips and back, though, as the alien implants immediately forced those muscles there into rigid spasm. I was lucky to make it back home. The alien implants started shooting the nerve pain through my ankles and I barely got home. Note for in the future--drive or bike. What a tragedy that I can no longer walk for any amount of distance--a mile or two or three--comfortably. All my joy at physical exertion, exercise, and yes, exhaustion, stolen from me by torurers who have no love of the human body or the human condition, but want some luciferian outcome in which they think that they transcend the joy of being a mortal, flesh and blood, body-person only to become slaves to a mental holographic prison. I think the reason I love watching "Kill Bill" (besides checking out all the fine women kicking ass) is that like, Beatrix Kiddo, I want my revenge. I don't want to kill anybody, but I want revenge against the horrible torture and injustice done against me. And like Beatrix, who spent three years in a coma, my body is totally dead. I understand her, when whe drags her paralyzed body up and tells herself, "wiggle your big toe." I told myself today, "run to the pole", and though it was only 20 yards away, I felt as ecstatic as Heidi and Klara when Klara could get up and make a painful step.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

New pathology caused by alien virus/military intelligence torture

New pathology caused by alien virus/military intelligence torture--severe asthma. My upper back and shoulders are starting to spasm so severely that they are causing asthma--severe asthma in me. I lay awake last night unable to breathe, and coughing terribly when I tried. I don't care anymore. There's no point of going to the doctor where some stupidass allopathic idiot isn't going to take time to ask questions or get facts--why bother when some dumbass in black feeds them a bunch of lies. The thing about ashma (and I am asthmatic right now, just not severely so ) is that it makes the body more vulnerable to other diseases--especially colds and flu. I pray I get the flu. I look for any and all reason to leave this body. Everything I do that I enjoy is denied me--work, relationships, even simple physical exercise. I can no longer do yoga--since my arms are so weak they can't even hold me up, it's a waste of time to find a gym, because the minute I walk in the door, the psychotropic viral shit begins and I have to leave because I'm too fucked up to do anything. I can't even go for a simple bike ride before my body and neck starts spasming so bad that I can't even turn my head or keep eyes open. Yeah, I pray I get the flu-- I pray I get it so bad that this life, with all its slavery, pain and suffering, finally ends. Time to start another day in hell, with arms that are so weak they can't hold a coffee cup and head so heavy, I can't lift it up. Entire body tortured, wracked, made worse by pain in lungs and inablitly to draw deep breath.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

After another lost day, body deteriorating

After another lost day, body deteriorating--cannot touch my toes from seated position, lower back is permanently spasmed, feels out. cant do down dog. cannot bear my own weight on wrist joints and fingers, which feel severely arthritic. cannot evn do cat.cow. belly muscles are so spasmed that i cannot lowr them to ground on top of all this is the never ending headache which makes any interacxtion with reality apoinful--even tv is too muchj. need to keep it all down. dont see anything changesing. no hope. no future. just unremitting suffering. fine. ll is going to come out.

More dreams of cockroaches

More dreams of cockroachesin a dilapidated house. Also dreamed of being anally raped (much as I did dream of NASA astronauts anally raping me). I put my hands around throat of rapist but had no strenght to kill. could not recgonize. I dont know if im on psyhcotropics or if the download shit has just been intensive but it will be a nonfunctionaling, painfilled day. The level of torture i experiecne at the hands of these nazis is just unbelievable but i dont care. i was born a free woman and i will suffer as a free woman and i will die a free womna. jead hirts amd os temder/ ,u face os b;pated amd swpollen from all the excess lymphhtic fluid. When God, will this torture end> Not today, I have to accept i am a prisoner of war in the fight between good and evil (and it is evil pulling the strings on the torture of my body). I am a prisoner of conscience who has to stand up for what i know and believe to be trye. I am a medical victim whose RNA/DNA is being radically changed so that I become a host body for the most loathsome and ungodly kind of evil alien being. And I suffer from the most incredible pain every day of my life but can get no medical treatment or amelioration. BBut I have to be strong to be ture to myself , no matter the pain level, the cockroaches, the unending torture. I am a prisoner of war.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. How can a person suffer as much pain as I do, neverending. whole left leg from the sacrum to the foot is one big throb, with heat rising from all part of body. I never had problems with leg sid of body until implants in place and now it is the bad side, not right side, the indjured side. so fucked up cant hold head up. cant lift arms even o hold a glass of water. arms so fucked up that i cant hold my body in pushup positon. today last day of gym membership. as the last two times. i so fucked up i cant even work out. just walk out. waste of money for gas. waste of money for gym , glad i wont be wasting any more money on a gym that i no longer enjoyooworking out is nothing but sheer hell fro me. saying that i dont know how much longer i can function without geting the back glutes some relife. i cant work out gaining weight. too sick to care. just want the pain to en.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dreams that my house is full of cockroaches

Dreams that my house is full of cockroaches--a dream I only get when I am forcefed psychotropics. that is the unconscious. consciously, i am so full of despair as to not give a fuck anymore. pray for death to release me from neverending hell. fantasize about it. beginning to think i might as well spend my days in psychiatric hospital till i die. i have no other life. completely out of control of my own body which every day becomes more hateful and painfilled, debilitated to the point that i might as well have some muscl destroying disease like cerebral palsy. my arms r so weak i can no longer hold my own weight up. of course, my weight gets higher and higher as i can no longer work out or even walk. my fucking slave masters monitor everything i read and watch on internet, sometims cutting me off in mid view. i dont care. the ultimate slave master, has been crowned president of the world and gives his brilliantly cheesy, and utterly false smile over everything. its getting to the point i have no hope no joy no purpose no desire--just for death. God, I want to die, i dont want to be in this hateful, implanted miserable alienated body anymnore.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Well good feeling didnt last long

Well good feeling didnt last long--my little feline friend is gone--no doubt spirited away by the Inquisitors who can't bear that I have a little happiness in life (oh, who knows--maybe they are actually humanitarian and didn't want to see the poor little thing suffer from the same drugged up shit and emf mind control manipulation that drives me mad--and I'm pretty goddamnhed strong. I'll never forget the look of outrage on the NSA man's face who visited with the police in Rio Rancho, when I suggested that he feed the dog the drugged meat that I was supposed to eat. He actually had more sympathy that the dog didn't suffer the level of poisoning that he was overseeing with me. Nothing surprising tho--the Nazis, and psychotics the world over have more sympathy for animals than humans). when I For the drugs have started up again--the same fucking headache and ddull feeling, the inability to think or carry a thought or for that matter, even feel. Mom called and I tried to be upbeat for her sake but the truth is I was faking it, lying, which is what I do som much now, as I try to pretend that I have some hope. Truth is, I don't. I realize that I have high level government operatives and politicos milking me for whatever info they can get out of me while they keep me drugged and demoralized. It's incredibly assinine if they think I don't realize what is going on--the truth is I am a level deeper than many of them which is why I know that Catholic ultra-conservatives (fascist religious zealtots) are responsible for much of what I suffer (which is why I still dream of SLI calling the shots, whereas they ceded over the reins of their goddamned Inquisition that they initiated to much higher ups and more sophisticates, a long time ago), while the politicos use me, then leaving me hanging in the wind, so the fucking fanatics can have their illusion of a saint that will save them. Dream on opus dei . Nothing I can d o but hold on to some sense of humanity that is completely denied me. Don't feel good. All fucked up on drugs. Noone to share my life and thoughts not even a little kitty.

A small little kitty

A small little kitty is making itself at home in my place. I like animals, and miss having one, but, as I tell myself I am in no place to have a pet. For one thing, it's unbearable for me, a 210 pound human, to live in this drug-infested, emf-manipulated space--how can a small kitty do it? But the poor thing has had a hard life, and my f---ed up place must seem pretty nice to it. Anyway, I tried to kick it out and block the open "kitty door" in my screen, but it got around the block. I ardently prayed to God last night to "please take care of that poor kitty" and this morning I found it on my futon, so I guess God answered the prayer. Like me, the poor thing is badly abused and scarred, but just wants, and is receptive to, love.

I am feeling a little better after being fucked up all day yesterday. I still am not alright, but compared to yesterday, I am much better. Dreams last night indicate that the Spiritual Life Institute, that stupidass Dave Denny is still behind my suffering. Another dream that told me via the unconscious (believe me, consciously I figured this out over a dozen years ago) how sick and wounded Denny is, and how he attempts to heal himself by projecting his neediness onto me--which would be bearable if I could be free to be me, but like so many wounded men, the only way he knows how to admit a need of woman is to dominate and deny woman's freedom of personhood. It doesn't matter to me anymore. These fuckers don't understand. When I told him over a dozen years ago, that if the abuse kept up, I would disassociate myself from him and his community. I meant it. Since I dropped off those library books on a rainy night, I have been completely and irrevocably disassociated from the SLI. However, the abuse continuted, and a few years later, I told a Catholic priest that if the abuse continued, I would disassociate myself from the Catholic community, and I meant it. They threw me in jail for six months on farcical charges where I endured a new level of abuse. That was it for me. I am not Catholic, and when I die, I will do so under the auspices of the Episcopal Church. It doesn't matter to these Inquistors though, for the abuse continues, and continues, and continues. I have spent years of my life suffering from forced drugs, and even three weeks in a psychiatric hospital, and to my utter amazement, these fuckers still think some kind of "conversion" is going to overthrow nearly fifteen years of the most profound physical (yesterday and last night was just the latest episode, (now numbering in the thousands), psychological, and spiritual, unbearably painful abuse. You fuckers have stolen over 14 years of my life, caused unimaginable suffering, and I will not have ANYTHING to do with you. EVER. You goddamned, sick patriarchs are part of the problem, not the solution, and I am interested in a solution. My dreams corroborate this. Dreamed last night that Dave Denny was blind, with his eyes gouged out. I know what this means, and I also know that I cannot help him with this, for his whole ideological position, as a privileged patriarch in the Roman Catholic clergy prevents him from relating to the feminine from a position of vulnerability, but only dominance, and his dominating, (non-consenting, on my part) abuse (God, I could spend pages describing the unrelenting abuse I have endured from this fucker and his stupidass patriarchal allies)that I have suffered at his hands has led to permanent alienation on my part. I knew years ago, that it was time to leave, when I dreamed that he was imprisoning me, and I understood that he was imprisoning me because he had imprisoned his own anima, as per patriarchal male psychic protocol. Whatever compassion I once had for his own psychological blindness and stupidity has been erased by years of the heinous abuse I have suffered at this pig's hands. Of course, it is not all him. Ratzinger (who had a spider crawling all over his robes in Prague--get smart, Catholics--your Pope is an anti-Christ, and his power tripping (with the Muslims) is going to result in the complete destruction of the Vatican--the greatest repository of human intellectual and artistic achievement on the planet, even if is rank with hypocritical sin of the highest order.
As for me, my path lies on a completely different trajectory, and God willing, I will be free to live my life as free daughter of God, again, and will find someone who is humble and receptive enough to understand what my true psychological and spiritual needs are, and have enough courage to reach out and share my life. Until that day I can only endure.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Mind totally fried

Mind totally fried on psychotropics--dont know what, lithium or resperidol. All I know is i am completely unable to think, read, concentrate, or understand what is spoken to me. helped landlady with a neighbors stuck door and she read me a letter. shemight as well as read chinese. coulnt folow, couldnt understand a word said. Yesterday the mind was able to think but i couldnt handle the intensity of it. i desperately need someonme to talk to re my ideas, someone to intimately share my life and bounce off ideas. Yesterday i felt human and realized ihow lonely and incomplete and unrealized i am as a single. today i dont give a fuck. today there is nothing to share,, my mind is totally dead. i cant even string together my dream from last nite. i remember the images and they are all there but my brain is so fried i cant connect them all into one everything fragmented disconnected. good news there will be no reading or thinking intensity to day. just watch football. could barely even cook the pot of beans and cornebread i had planned. very svery sick, too sick to do anything. dont care. just worry about my fucking weight..

Friday, September 25, 2009

Massive headaches all day today

Massive headaches all day today--to the point that I am autistic and miserable. I try so hard to keep my head clear by shaking, but the more sshaking I do the more poison is put in my system. I can tellby how much my lower back arches, in reaction, trying to get away from the poison, and also by the muscle spasms in every muscle in my body from bicepts and wrist joints to ribs and shoulders. Too sick to do any yoga, tried to do a lil bike riding but too sick to do for long. This level of chronic, never ending paain is not sustainable. At least right now i am not crying and sobbing in pain--maybe later

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Bad day

Bad day--do I have any good any ones anymore? I guess some days are just better than others. Got my computer back after the virus toasted it. Everything gone--notes--I should have printed them out b--music, bookmarks pictures, etc. Maybe I should save everything on aol in the future--their server should keep things safe. Body is in a lot of pain, so much pain it hurts to breathe--all my muscles are spasming, back belly, ribs shoulders, but trying to push thru pain to get my computer to an acceptable place. tired of lways being in pain.

So tired of being drugged

So tired of being drugged--nothing overwhelming going on--just steady drip and drain as the implants suck all life and energy and vitality out of me(and yes I think it is done on purpose). I am trying to drag myself through chores, cleaning house etc, but my body is literally all spasmed up with the drugs.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

second nite of sheer hell

coming up. aftger a hell day, another hell nite. haze of pain from neuropathic pressure in legs, and unbearable nerve pain to pain in head. this pain is unendurable. how many tylenop pm does it take to knock me out, dont know but this pain is intolerable. cant bear stimuli of any sort cant walk . alll so the goddamned forces of evil can create what they think will be3 a channel for their stupid ass demonic aliens. nothing i can do but suffer, pray that suffering will help those fighting on other levels. nothing i can but endure the most hellacious pain imaginable.

Hell nite over, now comes hell day

Hell nite over, now comes hell day--nites and days like this make me realize i cant hold a job. still cannot believe magnitde of pain lastt nite. this morning my body is still dead. left leg feels like a totally dead leg with deep muscle bruises. cant lift it to walk. head and eyes still not able to move or function. Dreamed last nite that I was fighting a monster attacking me, and i kept hacking and killing it but more kept coming. Does this nite mare only end with death? i am so tired of being nonfunctional...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Torture begins again

Torture begins again--suffering so bad its unimagier winable. dont know when the fuckers will kick me off , they control my computer thru virus. just like they control my body thru virus. when ever they want they creat unbearable pain n suffering. right now. neurpathic leg, ketoacikdosis, inability to stand stimuli, desperatgely longing for pain medication to knock me out. Fucj you assholes. you may control my body buti never will channel for you. on a scale of 10 this is 9, knock me out God please be merciful knock me out

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fighting a deep feeling of depression

Fighting a deep feeling of depression as I woke up actually being able to get out of bed but still fucked up on drugs. I am so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. I am tired of having steel rods in my legs, of having a 50 pound head on my shoulders, of not being able to see out of my right eye because the optic nerve is so inflamed by excess fluid. I want to be me again. I want to be free. Free of these goddamned implants and drugs that have me constantly struggling to jjjust feel decent enough to walk and talk. I am tired of having to "shake" just to clear my head of a fucking brain tumor feeling. The worst part of it all is constantly being monitored and spied upon, while I am denied any employment and my poor old mother has to take care of me. I woke up this morning with the "virginia wolF" feeling. That is what I do to force myself to keep going when I am so depressed that I want to end it all. Virginia committed suicide when she heard voices for a second time (she had been committed to a mental institution the first time she heard them), and despaired that she would go crazyy. But I read an analysis that made sense, which said that when she committed suicide Hitler was triumphant across Europe (her husband was Jewish), London was being bombed daily, and it seemed a matter of time before England fell. England was also suffering from the grip of the coldest winter on record. So if Virginia had just persevered a little longer, I think she would have been okay. Yes, she was mentally ill, but she had a wonderfully supportive and caretaking husband who would have got her through the episodes--all she had to do was survive the cold winter and wait for America to enter the war. So when I feel that life is so dark and meaningless, I say to myself, "don't do a Virginia Wolf"--wait for spring to come. It certainly isn't spring today. My computer is toast with a virus, and I cannot fix it, because I am unable to reload my own OS because the goddamned fuckers have put an extra partition on the disk and a spy network that denies me administrative rights. I am using my laptop, but it barely functions because it also had an internal wifi card added by the spy police, but its architecture does not support that technology so it constantly is shutting down whenever its memory gets overwhelmed (mostly during audio or video streaming--has to stream not only to me but to whatever agent is in charge of spying on me). And yes, I am spied on constantly which is another depressing element of my life which I constantly hate but when I am really down, can't tolerate. I am denied any companionship to help me lead my life while a bunch of Christians try to force me to lead my life the way they think it ought to be, I am denied the ability to work to support my own self. And on top of that, even my little pleasures, of listening to music and surfing the web is denied me because my computer is toast. I am broke, but I am goinjhg to have to pay to fix it. LIFE JUST SUCKS, but don't pull a Virginia Wolf. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have to believe spring is coming, I have to believe that leadership is going to change, I have to believe that one day these creeps will quit trying to read and manipuloate my mind (;guess what assholes, I know when you try to do it--and I PURPOSELY speed up my thoughts so you can't break in. You can feed me lithium to make it slow down, but then you turn me into a mental vegetable, so you can't get what you want you fucking slavers). And yes, I believe that one day leadership is going to be a woman or man who supports a free America, not a bunch of mind and pharmaceutically controlled slaves. Like I said, not today.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Lost day

Lost day--sick with psychotropics. spent all day in bed. too sick to think on anything, just suffering. dreamed that my credit card had been closed. interpreted it as my vital energy shut down, slammed shut. for that is what is happening, too sick to do anything at all. i cant even listen to music or nature sounds (which soothes me when i feel so shitty i wish i were dead). windows software is toast, fried by virus, and im too sick to do anything about it, not to mention worried as to how i can keep living when i am going deeper into debt everyh month. my life is so hard, want to sleep and just not wake up to feel like the shit i feel like

Thursday, September 17, 2009


FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS ARE FORCE FEEDING ME LITHIUM AGAIN!! STUPIDASS MOTHERFUCKERS. I wondered why I had no energy, and felt more like shit than normal. Most of all I wondered why I was gaining weight again--yes, pound a day lithium is to thank for it all, tho i thought my stomach was merely bloated. But now i find myself looking at spreading corpulent flesh with powerlessness and rage, much as i have done several times over last few years. Geuss the goddamned sli just cant let go. they actually still think iam going to have anyhing to do with them after the years over 12 of them, of abuse, damage, and torture that they hgave inflicted on me. and now i am all fucked up over lithium. i knew when i started mood swinging. other psychotropic durgus make me mood swing but none like lithium. i have to fight down desire to throw things to curse at top of my lungs, to cut myself to bang my head againt wall. but i am too fucked up to do anything. i went to youga, what a joke. i couldnt even keep my eyes opened. sont know how i drove home--so fucking autistic i cant stand any stimuli. been here before tho. know nothing for it but to lay down and suffer. just sofucking mad because everytime these fucking pigs put this goddamned poison in my body, i have to work so hard to lose one pound a month that it takes me one day to gain. so fucked up. on top of that i have a virus in my computer and im too fucked up to figure it out. how apropos--goddamned sli (yep i know the stupid ass personality cult of dave and tessa and "Father" is behind it all. Fcuk you pigs. Get the message. Leave me alone.

Later--everything harder than I thought--too sick to watch any tv. body is catatonic to the point that my neck hurts with stiffness. Worse of all are the involuntary muscle spasms i keep having as i try to sleep--havent had them in a long time, but i remember clearly the misery of the brain pulses and the body jerks. Definitely lithium/