Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Soon I will be nonfunctiong

Soon I will be nonfunctiong as I now suffer with another drug--depakote I think--which leaves me severely depressed and low energy and irritable and cranky. I want so much just to have enough energy to clean house but I got to fight against the desire just to close eyes and sleep. dont feel good at all. I wanted to stay up to midnite to watch the ball drop but i dont think that is going to happen. Maybe i will try drinking --alcohol always used to help me function better when I was on lithium

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

My thyroid meds have been pulled

My thyroid meds have been pulled and now I am miserable with digestive problems and constipation. Also disappointed to realize that my weight gain seems permanent. I need both thyroid and dopamine agonist for my metabolism to be normal. Keep having headaches, but right now it is the thyroid lack that is bothering me. I've got that old familiar cement block in my upper stomach...sigh...I could say at least im sleeping in my own bed, but Im too ttired to clean my house in order for me to feel comfortable sleeping here. I hope i have energy tomorrow.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Massive headaches as I

Massive headaches as I struggle to function with all this speed in my system, weighing me down, preventing clarity of thought, and just making me feel like shit. Even worse, the bastards have pulled the dopamine agonist. I gained 4 pounds in one day--it is all fluid retention, and the first place it shows is in the belly. Even before the doping forced my body into obesity, I recognized that my belly would bloat out like a pregnant woman's --always, but not exclusively at my period. The 5H-t imbalamce also causes female hormone imbalance (I wish I could remember but my brain is so dulled by the drugs and pain I can't remember anything). I recognize that suffering, pain, and humiliation is part of the game plan by the sickass perverts who are torturing me(the stupid dumbass bastards actually think that is going to make me conform to their expectations), but even tho' I want to proactively be more me, the goddamned drugs make me barely functional. And on top of that, now, I have to deal with how shitty I feel without the dopamine agonist--so much difference. But then being a human being, feeling good about oneself and in one body goes against the game plan. Fuck you all you stupid Opus Dei Christians. Do what you want. I am not one of you. You are not of Christ. You are in the same league as the great deceiver who denies a child of God free will.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Halfway mark over holiday hell

Halfway mark over holiday hell--I had such high hopes for this holiday. 10 days ago, I was so excited, so happy to feel so human again--my naturally joyful, enthusiastic, and grateful appreciation of life was nearly back to normal. I could look in the mirror and not turn away in disgust from the stranger with fake, implant-brightened eyes that have none of the loveliness of human or holy spirited eyes. The unnatural, alien-hennaed orbs were still there, but at least I could "see" myself. That is all gone, as I fight with lithium induced suicidal depression and the constant "dry migraine" (where my eyes can't bear to take in any stimuli--so that trees and roses and sunshine, and well, basically all of God's creation, are painful to look at), and life is an uphill struggle to endure, not a joyful gift to celebrate.
10 days ago I was so excited to see the ocean for the first time in years, but there's no way that will happen this year. I am too sick to drive there, and there would be no enjoyment whatsoever in the drug sickened state that I am in. I might as well look at a Britney Spears video as the ocean, for all the enjoyment or spiritual edification that I would derive from it. Then of course, there would be the dilemma of walking. I can barely goosestep, and I start dragging the bad hip after half a mile, as I try to deal with the pain and handicap of deadened leg, hip, and lower back muscles.

Big mistake coming here. But I am pretty sure this will be the last time. If I want to be miserable, drugged, and down with migraine headaches 24/7, I would rather do it in what seems the closest to home.

Cynthia told me that I don't know how to have fun. I think she picked up on the wrong vibe. I know how to have fun (or at least enjoy life). It is just that I am denied the ability to enjoy myself, and the biggest block of all is the chemical speed that is forced into my body, making my life hateful and odious. My mom wants me to go to some movie, but I have no enthusiasm for it, and I do not have the energy to create the positive vibe--just go and sit somewhere else, with my emotions dead, my mind numb, and my legs feeling like dead wood.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Sick nauseated disgusted sorry

Sick nauseated disgusted sorry--all how i feel drugged up druing christmas, why do I keep putting myself in this position i ask myself? I know what my mom is about yet everytime I do it. Going to try to leave early, otherwise my vacation from hell is going to be miserable. I cant stand being in my own body. at least in my house, when I am sick as a dog i can watch my own tv and try to escape. Escape escape escape how do i escape this torture cap, this sick misery God help me.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Poisoned Christmas

Poisoned Christmas--why the fuck do i keep coming back to this place where my own evil mother poisons me? Im so fucked up on psychotropics right now it takes every ounce of will power i have not to start throwing plates against the wall, and cutting on myself so i can bleed this goddamned mother poison out of me. My fault. I should not have come. It is clear my own mother does not know me. Does not love me. Does not wish for my well being. she would rahter see me as a zombie, as an incapacitated fucked up zoned out out of reality dopehead than alive and vital. Learning a lot.
resolving a lot but too goddamned fucked up to write or reason through. Just got to stay mellow, my mom will throw me in a fucking hospital for rest of my life in a ny minute. Just gotta resolve tita--be like uncle butch. your mother doesnt love you. she is a big part of the problem you have with the goddamned soulless spiritless doctors trying to kill you. Nothing stupid. Christmas from hell. Week from hell. Hang in tita, you are all you have to maintain sanity and self

Monday, December 22, 2008

becoming increasingly catatonic

becoming increasingly catatonic as their poison speeds thru my system enabled by the dopamine agonist that i (in my stupidity to think they actually gave a shit about my health) told them about. I am becoming autistic to the point of non function. terrified of going to ca and havning my mom put me in a hospital. terrified of the brain damage these fuckers are goint to do tho me this time with their stuppid ass autism-enhancing drugs. GET IT MOTHERFUCKERS --I AM AUTISTIC--and you are eroding every bypass ability i put in place to function like a regular persxon. deeply deeply terrifed--i know these fuckers would rather destroy me than let me be free contrary to their expectations.

I want to vomit

I want to vomit--Im so sick with whatever fucking drug I am given. Basically (as before) I suffer from all the symptoms of migraine without the head pain. Its what their goddamned psychotropic drugs do to me, has done to me, and im too goddamned sick to do anything. I cant stand any stimuli whatsoever. I get motion sickness just walking (how the fuck am i supposed to get on a plane tomorrow?) I am too sick to even watch tv. couldnt watch any games yesterday. too sick to drive. too sick to do yoga. walking aroundk like i am in a hi fever. cant bear to open my eyes. everything is just reduced. i remember how joyful i was a seek ago because oi could experience reality. now reality too painful to bear. Tried to surf internet but the stimuli has made me sicker. have no fiornal, thamnks to stupdi md who wont give me anything. i wishto god that people could experience the hell i live in for just one minute, so they could understand what hell i suffer. its made worse because i constantly give these stupid the fuckers the answer as to what is wrong with me, and they take it and then give me more goddamned psychotropics. somehow have to pack. need to start right now cuz it probably take all day. Got to say one thing tho. Fuck you opus dei. i know you are interfering in life and dreams guess what motherfuckers never. never. never will i be turned into a soulless spiritless ideologoue of religion like you. ive founght u before in ur inquistionon and i will fightr you till i die. i am not one of you notever, no matter how many psychotropic drugs or manipulated dreams (oh yeh u think i dont know) u put in me. FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR GODDAMNED ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH which has destroyed a once vital faith of the people. God help me. Just help me pack so i can be on a plane tomorrow.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

so fucking high

so fucking high--can count the times i have been this high in my life on one hand. legs numb, drunk, cant move, think. how the fuck am i upposed to pak tomorrow. how can i walk thru an airport like this. please god bring me down icant stand being this high i cant stand hbeing this high

Yesterday a total loss

Yesterday a total loss--too goddamned drugged up to do anything except lay in bed and sleep. Woke up at 11 this morning--could move legs but so fucked up on whatever the fuck these assholes give me that I cant see straight. This was my big worry that i would be so drugged up that I couldnt enjoy bacation, drive to the beach or even be around people. My original plan--when i was on mirapex and was a human being for the first time in years, despite not being able able to walk and having dead legs (now I have dead legs, cant walk and am so fucked up on whatever shit these assholes give me that I just want to kill or die, but i sure as fuck cant do anything else). My house is a filthy mess and i am too sick to do a thing about it. For the first time in life i am going to have to leave a filthy mess. I am too sick to read any of the books i was going to take. i am too sick to go to church or call up someone to get a ride to the airport. Dont want to deal with people at all. Dot want to deal with anything at all. I want to just go to sleep and wake up and be free of these fuckers and their goddamned poioson forever.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Completely fucked up

Completely fucked up. After a few days on Mirapex when I actually felt like a human being again (at least mentally; physically I still suffered from parkinsonianism), the fuckers pulled my mirapex and left me hanging in the wind with the mania induced by the abrupt withdrawal. It's like when I was a vegetarian, and once or twice a year I would eat a steak and get a buzz--my body is extremely sensitive to even the most innocuous of chemical changes and yet these assholes yank me around from one extreme to another. Now they got me on something that has completely incapacitated me. I am pissed off. I have things to do. I have a trip to get ready for, a house to clean, yoga classes to go to, and I am so sick I cant even walk at all (I want to get down and crawl on all fours tho for right now I sit in my chair and let the caster wheels roll me). As usual with their psychotropic drugs my eyes dont want to open because the stimuli is overwhelming. I keep getting painful nerve spasms in my leg and because my legs are already dead, it just wants to knock me to the floor.I got a scik sick headache, and overall am too fucked up to get out of bed. I knew I was in trouble when I woke up about 4 this morning, and the first thing I wanted to do was self mutilate my arms from mty elbow to the wrist. I wanted to die, and right now I can honestly sayt I would rather be dead than inhabit this body tortured by these fucking pricks who have stolen years of my life from me. Take it fucking assholes, take it all and release me from my misery. I cant do snything anyway. How the fuck am i supposed to pack, walk thru an airport and relate to my famuilly like this? I am a human being, not a goddamned lab rat for you to experiment on. The only time I want to do that shit is when they got me on lithium, so that is my guess of what I am on. I thought I was going to have a seizure this morning--the body was violently vibrating but I begged the body please dont, I cant afford another health issue. Poor Brother Ass it tries to accomodate and assist me, and all it gets in return is the most horrific abuse.

Now the involuntary muscle spasms and jerks, even in sleep have started again. Now I have my torture cap back on as my congested, csf filled bowling ball of a head is killing me. I took one of my last few fironal to try to get enuf motivation to clean house for oncfe in my life i dont care if il leave a filthy house. im too sick to care. but i have to pack. so goddamned sick

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Wow--look Mom, no drugs... I woke up feeling better than I have in a long time. Now it is just the implants in me, making me feel bad. If I am correct and I have excess creatinine in me, then no wonder I feel so lousy all the time. There is just too many toxins in my body.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Really angry

Really angry as the games and doping continue. I am in terrible pain right now with a severely pulled upper quad muscle. I pulled it when I went to walk normally and my dead, stiff, Parkinsonian leg just did not accomodate. The quad pull is so severe that I wonder if it is ever going to properly heal or if it will be forever gimpy and vulnerable to strain--just another in a long list of permanent damage these medical hacks have done to my body.
I am angry too, because I struggle to read and understand what is going on with my body, and they keep doping me up to the point that I can't see straight. For some reason, tonight I am getting an extra dose--probably so I won't wake up in time to go to church tomorrow, for these moral cretins have not my physical well-being, my emotional well-being, or spiritual well-being on their agenda. I saw another one of their operatives pulling a mind reading trick on me. I hope he got what I sent back--"Prick"--I despise these people and I despise the torture that they have put me through, and I despise all of their secret lies that cloak their immorality, not only in regard to me--though God knows I have received a near fatal dose--but all Americans. But it is okay. Now that I am not deathly sick with serontonin poisoning or parkinsonian levels of dopamine deprivation (boy, now I really do understand that British man who committed doctor-assisted suicide in the Netherlands), I can detach a little bit. The psychic operative reminded me of an age-demented old man in Colorado. I would ride my bike out in the country and everytime I passed his isolated ranch house, he would gleefully drop his pants and start spraying his pee all around like a little boy with a toy gun. I could have avoided that house on my daily ride, but I said to myself, "what the heck, it makes the senile old man's day", and I got a chuckle when I saw how tickled that old man became every time he got to "drop, display, and spray." That is the kind of psychological, emotional, and spiritual immaturity I have to endure at the hands of my tormentors. The only problem is they don't spray their excrement to the wind. They spray it directly on me. But I have been pissed and shit on by them for so many times and for so long, that I am callused now. I have no civil rights left, no bodily boundaries respected, no freedom to pursue liberty or happiness, but I have got an inner human dignity and spirit (which they can't recognize since they don't share it) that they just can't crush. I just got to go deep inside and endure the beating. Fortunately God placed me in a training school for dealing with abuse as a youngster, and made me strong. It is that strength which kept me from having a breakdown while suffering with all their poisonous chemicals and it is that strength on which I rely.
I may never be free to be myself again in this world. But at least I know myself. And right now I am in severe pain, and I need to knock myself out. It is going to be a long, painful night.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Strange things going on in my body

Strange things going on in my body--suffering severe abdominal pain coupled with sciatica on my left side--I think Ive got an enlarged spleen or pancreas caused by inability to digest fat (Ive been eating some Anasazi beans I flavored with smoked pork). The thing is, that while the inability to digest fat is a long standing issue Ive dealt with (I was told a long time by a naturopathic doctor ago to take digestive enzymes with lipase), the thyroid medication cleared that all up. I don't think TPTB have pulled my thyroid meds, because I would miserable with digestive stoppage if they did, so all I can guess is that there are weird things going on hormonally with me that's causing enzymatic changes. My poor body just yanked one way and then another... I'm pretty sure I know what is going on with me, but there is so much more that I need to understand that I guess I will have to study some more, even though really, I wish I could just listen to a lecture on this stuff instead of having to read it. But as usual, whenever I feel halfway human (and I got to say I feel halfway human again), I'm like a squirrel furiously storing nuts before the winter hits. I know it won't be long before they slap some other drug into me, so I have to take advantage of the "warm weather" and take care of household details before I get too sick to accomplish anything.
In the meantime, I am thinking of how best to present my case to the doctor for some kind of dopamine agonist. Why not just make a case for RLS? (Because I am not a liar). But I really think I have it--I just didn't recognize it, but I know when I am being drugged because the first place I feel it is in my legs. I want to get up and run but know that my legs won't do it (I have to say--I did 50 minutes of cardio today, and while I am getting some strength and stamina back, I still cannot feel my legs--but it has been so long since I felt them...., and my joints are still stiff and arthritic. Even more clear than RLS though, I suffer undoubtedly from peripheral limb movement disorder. That is part of the reason I am writing this, drinking vodka on top of Tylenol PM to knock myself out, is because my muscles and limbs keep twitching and spasming, in every part of my body, shoulders, legs, feet, even my solar plexus. Nothing new. Has been going on for over three years now, ever since these doctors of evil decided to damage my brain and give me Parkinson's to satisfy their own lazy incompetence at diagnosis (how come I can figure out what is wrong with me after a few hours of reading an anatomy textbook and listening to my own body and symptoms, and they make hundreds of dollar an hour, with all that training and licensure, and knowledge of what is really going on with me, and yet they can't come up with anything close to a solution? No creativity. No ability to think and problem solve. Wrong priorities--all tilted in favor of the pharmacological companies who are destroying our brains and bodies with chemicals). I'm thinking of writing an essay on what is wrong with medical recruitment and training in this country, and forwarding it on to somebody as part of my response to Obam's invitation for ordinary folk's ideas on how to improve medical care in this country.

Then on top of that, there are the brain rushes. I thought the serontonin was causing those rushes, but obviously that is not the case. For I am a lot clearer than I was, though not completely--I can always tell by how bad my eyes our, and after an hour of laying in bed trying to sleep while muscles twitched and brain rushed in waves, my right eye is really bad telling me my head is congested again, and yet the brain rushes continue jerking me awake everytime I start to fall asleep. I tell myself to hold on--that I am seeing the doctor in one week and I hope to get something that helps. In the meantime I ask myself, "am I ever going to feel my legs again?"

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Out of control weight gain

Out of control weight gain-I am gaining a pound a day and am currently 204 pounds. Even worse is the fluid edema and headache caused by the csf in my skull. My face, arms, and hands are all shiny amd swollen with fluid--I don't even recognize my puffy face. Worse of all is my legs and ankles. Imagine my horror when I sat on the gym toilet and noticed a "pregnancy stretch mark" running down the back and side of each of my calves. It looked like the pencilled on "panty lines" that the girls of the 40's used to have to draw. Terribly depressing as I know that soon my legs will be like my ankles and wrists, full of lax folds and age lines from where the swollen joints have stretched out and receded so many times that my skin looks like that of a viajacita.
Then, there is the goddamn depression. I had the best of intentions today to get up and accomplish things but I am so lethargic and depressed that it is impossible to do anything. I watched a silent Rachel Maddow on the muted gym TV monitors and was amazed--she actually could show emotion! She had emotion! It seems like so long since I have been able feel, much less show emotion, that it depresses me to the point of despair. Of course it doesn't help that I am in such muscular pain. I know now that I truly have fibromyalgia, and yeah, its a real diagnosis. I can't help but wonder if I am being force-fed some kind of SSRI because my head is "rushing" again like it did when I took Imitrex--a sure sign that there is too much serotonin in my brain--and that is what is causing the damn depression and weight gain. But then again, maybe the hormonal imbalance is just causing the serontonin to back up, like it did with the lithium, causing serontonin inoxication, though not as severe as when I was nearly catatonic.

Only good news is that I think I figured out what is wrong with me, and where the hormonal imbalance is--I need a dopamine agonist--Mirapex is my best guess, to treat my fibromyalgia, and make all the stupid ass idiots who say I am bipolar happy, not a SSRI. I hate to end on this, because not having any medical credentials, I hate to make a claim without backing it up, but I am too sick to get into it any further. I am going to try to go to bed when I am in such pain I dont know how to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Gray cold day

Gray cold day after a night of three hours sleep with 3 Tylenol Pm and 3 shots of vodka in my system. Just unable to sleep with the pain caused by all the goddamned speed in my system. Woke up witha a migraine headache, nauseated, and high from the speed. But last night I woke up resolved that I have to do something to fight against the pervasive evil destroying me. I was motivated by the most unlikely of sources--Larry Sinclair, a man who I originally thought was a pestilent, attention-seeking gadfly with no moral substance whatsoever, but who I now realize was telling the complete truth with all the sincerity and tenacity of a Biblical prophet. I still have doubts about his character (it's a lowlife man who wants to reveal to the world who he's casually slept with--even if a great song comes of it, such as Leonard Cohen wrote regarding his sexcapades with Janis Joplin), but I can't help but regard Sinclair's continuing crusade in spite of overwhelming hardship and tribulation with grudging admiration. After all, like me, powerful political forces have falsely imprisoned him, they also have doctored his lie detector tests (in much the same way that that poor woman who had a "B" carved into her face was railroaded into jail, even though she was the innocent victim--after all, they can't have the masses really know what kind of violence, thuggery, and division that "the B" can inspire--it's all "orchestrated light"--the "light" of Lucifer. Sinclair is despised by the majority of the sheeple who no doubt, hate him for his homosexuality, and especially for the truth that he tries to proclaim regarding the polished platform of the most accomplished, airbrushed liar ever to reach the highest of political office.
But most inspiring of all, Larry Sinclair carries on his crusade when he is seriously ill with a brain tumor. After reading through his blog, I realized how much he is physically suffering, yet he perseveres because he thinks that he is fighting evil (and though I can't make the leap that he does, connecting his limo lover to the murder of Donald Young--though there may indeed be a possibility of connection, but if so, my money would bet on the handlers behind the scene), and I respect the tenacity with which he pursues his quest for truth and justice.
Likewise, I have to forget about my physical suffering and focus what I believe to be the truth, and fight for what is just. At this point, my future, at least for the next four years, and maybe forever, looks unbelievably grim. I never wanted to embrace the vocation of a "Jeremiah", but the role of suffering pariah and outcast seems like the only one left to me, because I will never serve the tools and agents of evil. The hard part is to persevere when I physically feel so sick and drugged all the time. If a man of the moral caliber and fiber of Larry Sinclair can do it, then surely I have no excuse not to try.

Later, in the shower, I reflected on the dream I had last night. I dreamed that I was wearing a mask of a character named "Joanne," and though I knew that I really wasn't "Joanne" people thought I was until I took off the mask. In the shower, I connected the name "Joanne" with the prophet John the Baptizer (Joanne is the feminine form of John). And I thought of John and his uncompromising attacks on Herod and his corruption and immorality. I have to emphasize that attacking Herod and his corruption and immorality is not my vocation, not because I fear for my life (ha! what life?), but just because I have bigger fish to fry. I have to go to the source of the corruption and immorality. I believe that humanity is on the cusp of the greatest demonic attack ever--my vocation as I see it is identifying and confronting evil on a spiritual plane, not a political one (which doesn't mean that evil doesn't have a political front--it does, and it is currently ascendant). I suppose, that like my Lord and Master before me, I will end up crucified, but the truth is, I already am. My life was stolen from me over 10 years ago when the SLI, in their stupidity and polically ambitious cupidity sold me out to the forces of evil. The nails are the psychotropic chemicals and emg brain implants that separate me from soul and spirit and sexual expression, from everything that I enjoy and delight in, from exercise to reading to prayer to simple contemplation to delight in sexual and intimate relationships. . My challenge and vocation right now, as I dimly ("through a glass, darkly") see it, is to somehow strive to find out how I can live a truly human, spiritual, contemplative (all coeval synonyms) when the chemicals and implants alienate me from my deepest ground of being. The solution is not self-evident. Clearly, the institutional churhes (and on the world wide stage, the different religions) are a big part of the problem, all coopted by the evil that their greatest founders and mystics railed against. So, it is up to me, alone, and with what help I can get from a few brave, knowledgeable individuals (and yes they are there and I know who they are) to figure it out...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fears that I will never know joy again

Fears that I will never know joy again--it has been so long since I have been allowed to experience joy and happiness, any emotion really. Everything is dulled and deadened by the drugs and implants that quite purposefully sever me from my soul and spirit (without which true joy and deep emotions cannot be experienced). What a sorry substitute power is! And yet so many have willingly sold their soul for it. Not me. Not now. Not ever. Yet I cannot help but wonder if the neurons and synapses and recepor sites of my brain are forever fried and deadened by the chemicals and unnatural emg induced brain waves. Very depressed to think about it, but I have been depressed for so long....
My head is "rushing" all the time. I dont know if it is the drugs or the excess csf. My head just feels like it is floating, and it is difficult to see, as the right eye keeps losing focus (the left eye is fine). My legs and hands are as deadened and dulled as my brain and emotions. I find it difficult to walk. My only satisfaction is my inner resolve to suffer unto death before selling out to the powers of evil, and I know who you are now. Unfortunately for me, you are the ones running things. I have to hang on. It is hard when the brain is not working rightr.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Excruciating pain today

Excruciating pain today as TPTB turned on the EMG brain implants in my head to "max", so that I could suffer debilitatingly wracking muscle spasms and pain for their amusement and my punishment. I realize now that what is happening to me is not random, but methodical, deliberate, and instructive. They plan to do to every human being what they do to me. Of course, they have an added incentive--to prevent me from self-instruction in anatomy and physiology (from a textbook I found in the street--a really excellent, comprehensive text for 200 series biology courses). I am desperate to stop the excess csf in my brain, which causes the chronic headache and nausea, and all the excessive edemic fluid in my body, not to mention the despair of my continuing weight gain. I am desperate because I cannot exercise with all the speed and emg interference with my natural body. I can barely hobble as my weak, deadened, numbed muscles find it difficult to even function.
Then there is the problem of concentration. Unlike my pre-lithium days, I have to struggle and fight to keep concepts and ideas and facts in my head. My IQ has been effectively halved by the brain implants, and that is a conservative estimate. Of course, that is assuming that I am able to read at all. Sooner or later the muscle spasms are so severe that the pain prevents my brain from being able to function at all.
The only good news is that I am starting to see the bigger picture, and may the mercy of God sustain me and protect me from all the evil that the SLI has sold me out to...

Friday, December 5, 2008

Fighting massive headaches all day

Fighting massive headaches all day as I try to deal with all this excess csf. My entire body is bloated with fluid--I have the ankles of an ancient peasant woman. My legs, my arms, my wrist and hands are bloated. My belly is so bloated that I realized the other day I am getting stretch marks. According to the scale Ive gained two pounds, but hopefully most of it is fluid. But the fluid weight doesnt help when it all goes to the head causing excruciating pressure and headaches. I force myself to work out (so desperate about the weight gain) but gone are the days of joy and endorphin rush. Now all exercise is difficult, demanding, and so damned hard as my muscles are all contracted and fatigued that sometimes I can barely walk or lift my arms. But to be honest, its been a long time since I felt joyful, or even happy, about anything. Just going thru the motions, dont really care. If this misery is life, I no longer wish to be here. Now I gotta try to go to sleep, and struggle with the pain to sleep, just to wake up to another hell day.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Woke up feeling like hell

Woke up feeling like hell and in total dismay over what the opus dei and secular satanists have done to my body. Everything hurts. Every muscle is locked in my abdomen, back, ribs shoulders and neck, My whole left side is weak to the ppoint of near paralysis, caused no dobut by the same implants which cause the edema. I have difficulty seeing as my right eye keeps going out of focus caused by the pressure on the optic nerve caused by all the csf in my brain, caused by their poison. Can hardly walk. or hold my head up. That is just the beginning. When I think of how my body was once, I weep. But for all the damned torture, I wake up resolved never to give in to either catholic fascists or satanic fascists. I am a human being with rights, something and someone that these two categories of subhuman evil know nothing about. I may live and die in misery proclaiming that, but it is better to suffer at their hands than to ever be one of their sick evil perverted cabal.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

There's barely functional and no functional

There's barely functional and no functional--I am non-functional after two days of psychotropics. Cant get out of bed, severe headaches. Yesterday tried ot go to yoga and I literally could not will body to move, to lift to do simple poses. Now my arms and legs are numb--no feeling, and brain seems disconnected from body. Worse of all--gaining weight again. too sick to care.