Sunday, February 28, 2010
Finally, I made it to a yoga class
Finally, I made it to a yoga class and while my body is happy (literally buzzing with energy), I am dismayed to realize how badly my body is deteriorating. I am especially concerned by the curvature of my (not so) lower back.I have NEVER had my back so curved. I suspect this is why my belly is so bloated (pushed out) and I am having pain in the abdomen. But there is nothing for it. I have to keep pushing, no matter how hard. I have to try to force myself to do stretches and yoga everyday (my left torso is nearly completely locked). I have to force myself to try to read and play music. I paid 20 bucks to go to a music workshop yesterday morning, and the first hour was relatively fine; the second hour the download began, and I found I could not concentrate, or even "get out of my head" at all. But I know now my inspiration and purpose. I always would pray to God to please never give me a vocation akin to that of Jeremiah, who I always thought had the absolute worst vocation of any of God's chosen in the Bible. No family or lover. No friends or disciples. No hope for his nation and race. Nothing but a life full of long lamentations, disrespect and rejection (even Jesus had a pretty good life until the last few days). But now I understand I can't fight it. My vocation is that of loneliness, suffering, and rejection with no relief or rescue until death. As long as I live I have to voice what God and spirituality is really about though. Time to get back to study. For the first time, I regret not having internet access, or rather, limited access (3 hours a day @library). I am trying to figure out that Chilean earthquake and while the gears are turning, I'm low on fuel (internet access time). When I am probing/penetrating for the truth, I cannot read fast, and I have to follow and/or toggle between possible links (both in my brain and on the "Net"),immediately in order to gain fruitful insight. I had hoped that limited Internet time would translate into greater, off-line productivity in reading and creative writing, but right now I'm really frustrated that I don't have the necessary access to figure out the problem on my mind right now...
2/28/2010
I am on some kind of fucking psychotropic drug now that has me full of rage. I constantly am walking around wanting to throw things, to curse, to kick. It doesn't help that I am constantly reminded that I am a slave to a 21st century Inquisition orchestrated both by religious (Roman Catholic, but with a little help from others) and government (alphabet agencies) forces. The thought and everyday reminders that those christo-fascist morons are stalking me every day of my life fills me full of impotent rage. I don’t know what is worse—being stalked by the individual sheep, the christo-morons, who are so goddamned stupid they don’t know any better, or being cyberstalked and manipulated by much more sophisticated christo-fascists, who don’t even have the excuse of being simple-minded sheeple, but rather, who, in the name of Christ, (of whom they know nothing by faith or relationship), orchestrate a never-ending range of machinations and tortures to keep me imprisoned until I conform to their immature and/or evil expectations. Since I am neither immature nor evil, I never will meet their expectations, but how long, oh God, must I suffer? Nearly every day I pray for death, because I have no desire to live as a physically, mentally, and emotionally suffering slave for those Jesuitical/Opus Dei/anti-Christ Ratzinger pigs.
However, part of me says, “who am I to complain?” The whole world is stalked and manipulated by the forces of evil. Yesterday, there was another man-made (I doubt there are any women involved) earthquake, created and triggered by one of the incredibly powerful forces of evil which plays ping pong with my life and liberty—this time terrorizing the country of Chile. I now am willing to acknowledge that the end date for our currently incarnated civilization may indeed be 2012. For if the kind of evil, imposed suffering, and psychic imprisonment (they would use the term, “edenic control”) that I endure daily is the ubiquitous future of all of humanity, then mass extinction is a mercy, and no, I will not pray for planetary deliverance.
However, part of me has to have hope, and I have to cling to that hope in order to motivate myself to get out of the deep desire to just lie down with the blinds pulled and sheets around my head, turning on the TV when I feel really motivated. For there is a future—I’m just not part of it, except what I contribute through my ideas. I have a theory that I am victimized so heavily because the goddamned, evil bastards have identified me through time travel or remote viewing technology. They figure that if they can turn me to whatever future they envision, they can ensure their success. But what they do not understand (because they have no spiritual life or relationship with God), is that no matter what I may be in an “alternative” timeline, the great gift and genius of God is that every individual has free agency in each and every instant of their life, and that as long as the orientation of the will is to holiness, to God’s will, then God can and does work through that person. This acknowledgement is important because each reality is different, is changed, and true holiness, whether that of God or human, is not static, but rather dynamic and fluid. I AM a different person from what they recognize in their illicit viewing of alternative realities, because the matrix of this reality into which I have been born, is different, just as every single incarnation of reality is. I can only guess at what has changed from alternative realities —my autism, my gender, my homosexuality, my cultural environment, my childhood satanic victimization…? I don’t know and I’m not going to waste time speculating. All that matters is that right now, in THIS life, THIS moment, my spiritual orientation remains completely fixed on God, and that the older I get, the more I hear “It doesn’t matter what you choose, I will work through you,” whenever I query the Almighty. Everything I have chosen, including my actively affirmed, embraced, and pursued (if ever I am allowed to engage in ANY relationship) lesbianism, is in complete concordance with God. All I can do, in obedience to spiritual holiness and existential authenticity, is to hold fast to God’s will and my own self-chosen identity, no matter how much of a struggle, for even if I am imprisoned in a well of “miry clay” my voice can reach out. Hopefully, it can be heard by (what I hope) the tiny, remnant of the righteous that survives the coming apocalypse.
I can tell you right now it does not include the christo-fascists, the nazis, or the dumbass sheeple who are too lazy to pursue the truth on their own, but rather swear an obedience to believe the pap and crap they are fed, whether it be religious dogma, or the insidious mendacity of the “cool” popular culture.
I am on some kind of fucking psychotropic drug now that has me full of rage. I constantly am walking around wanting to throw things, to curse, to kick. It doesn't help that I am constantly reminded that I am a slave to a 21st century Inquisition orchestrated both by religious (Roman Catholic, but with a little help from others) and government (alphabet agencies) forces. The thought and everyday reminders that those christo-fascist morons are stalking me every day of my life fills me full of impotent rage. I don’t know what is worse—being stalked by the individual sheep, the christo-morons, who are so goddamned stupid they don’t know any better, or being cyberstalked and manipulated by much more sophisticated christo-fascists, who don’t even have the excuse of being simple-minded sheeple, but rather, who, in the name of Christ, (of whom they know nothing by faith or relationship), orchestrate a never-ending range of machinations and tortures to keep me imprisoned until I conform to their immature and/or evil expectations. Since I am neither immature nor evil, I never will meet their expectations, but how long, oh God, must I suffer? Nearly every day I pray for death, because I have no desire to live as a physically, mentally, and emotionally suffering slave for those Jesuitical/Opus Dei/anti-Christ Ratzinger pigs.
However, part of me says, “who am I to complain?” The whole world is stalked and manipulated by the forces of evil. Yesterday, there was another man-made (I doubt there are any women involved) earthquake, created and triggered by one of the incredibly powerful forces of evil which plays ping pong with my life and liberty—this time terrorizing the country of Chile. I now am willing to acknowledge that the end date for our currently incarnated civilization may indeed be 2012. For if the kind of evil, imposed suffering, and psychic imprisonment (they would use the term, “edenic control”) that I endure daily is the ubiquitous future of all of humanity, then mass extinction is a mercy, and no, I will not pray for planetary deliverance.
However, part of me has to have hope, and I have to cling to that hope in order to motivate myself to get out of the deep desire to just lie down with the blinds pulled and sheets around my head, turning on the TV when I feel really motivated. For there is a future—I’m just not part of it, except what I contribute through my ideas. I have a theory that I am victimized so heavily because the goddamned, evil bastards have identified me through time travel or remote viewing technology. They figure that if they can turn me to whatever future they envision, they can ensure their success. But what they do not understand (because they have no spiritual life or relationship with God), is that no matter what I may be in an “alternative” timeline, the great gift and genius of God is that every individual has free agency in each and every instant of their life, and that as long as the orientation of the will is to holiness, to God’s will, then God can and does work through that person. This acknowledgement is important because each reality is different, is changed, and true holiness, whether that of God or human, is not static, but rather dynamic and fluid. I AM a different person from what they recognize in their illicit viewing of alternative realities, because the matrix of this reality into which I have been born, is different, just as every single incarnation of reality is. I can only guess at what has changed from alternative realities —my autism, my gender, my homosexuality, my cultural environment, my childhood satanic victimization…? I don’t know and I’m not going to waste time speculating. All that matters is that right now, in THIS life, THIS moment, my spiritual orientation remains completely fixed on God, and that the older I get, the more I hear “It doesn’t matter what you choose, I will work through you,” whenever I query the Almighty. Everything I have chosen, including my actively affirmed, embraced, and pursued (if ever I am allowed to engage in ANY relationship) lesbianism, is in complete concordance with God. All I can do, in obedience to spiritual holiness and existential authenticity, is to hold fast to God’s will and my own self-chosen identity, no matter how much of a struggle, for even if I am imprisoned in a well of “miry clay” my voice can reach out. Hopefully, it can be heard by (what I hope) the tiny, remnant of the righteous that survives the coming apocalypse.
I can tell you right now it does not include the christo-fascists, the nazis, or the dumbass sheeple who are too lazy to pursue the truth on their own, but rather swear an obedience to believe the pap and crap they are fed, whether it be religious dogma, or the insidious mendacity of the “cool” popular culture.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Weak, shakey, tired
Weak, shakey, tired after yesterday's hell. Head still hurts--not like a headache, but like something is wrong with the brain, headache though the drugs that had me walking blind and debilitated to the point of non-function is gone. Not really though, I still am having crippling migraine headache pain in flashes, jsut not sustained like yesterday. I feel limp, dragged out but I am pushing so hard to get some things done because I don't know when the severely ill train wreck will hit me again. I've GOT to try to work out today, though I feel so weak and shaky it is hard to get up and move, but it has been over two weeks since Ive worked out. Got to try. On top of everything else, whatever drugs/hormonoes I was given, caused my period to flow--first time in a year. Fortunately I kept a box of tampons, but unfortunately I am suffering from unusually strong cramping in my abdomen and lower back pain. If I had my drutheres, I'd rather be in bed with a heating pad on my abdomen, but after being laid up for the past few days, I have to force myself to move--laundry, cooking, groceries, working out, clearing email, sending off resumes to prospective employers....
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
from 3 pages
2.22.10
So, I try once more to write, struggling to find the barest minimum of privacy. I spent all day looking for a typewriter/word processor/ancient computer that would have some ability to avoid the ever present spying and harassment that is my lot. I wish I could say success, but I can’t. I spent $37.00 on a very decent Gateway, but of course, they were able to slip in a virus disk, creating the hidden non-DOS partition before I even left the store. I knew that I couldn’t hold them off for long, but at least I have disabled any ability to quickly/immediately transfer data via network modem (it was an ancient dial-up modem, but somehow they were scripting and transferring data—at least until I removed the modem card, hehe).
The inside of this 11-year-old computer was in pristine shape. The seal had never been broken until I removed the cover and I couldn’t believe the cleanliness inside—after 11 years! The inside of my computers looks like dust bunny hell after a year or two. But clean is good. Whoever was the previous owner took really good care of this computer and it shows. So it should do the job I want it to—a non-Internet word processor with a minimum of fuss. It also has a FAT partition and a windows 98 operating system, so if they try to pull what they did with my laptop—mess with the operating system boot up, I should be able to reload the operating system myself.
I hope that it doesn’t go that far, even though it was enjoyable messing with the computer earlier today—more enjoyable than the act of writing itself. If I could choose a job, I think I would really like to be a computer tech—it’s challenging but rewarding to figure out and fix the hardware and software. But of course if I were to spend thousands of dollars getting certified, I still wouldn’t be able to get a job. I’d just be further in debt than I already am, with nothing to show for it. Maybe I could protect my computer security a little better—but really, who am I kidding—I am up against and victimized by unlimited resources, genius, and top secret technology. There is no use railing against it, though. After 15 years of the hell I have endured at the hands of christo-fascists and government nazis, I just look forward to a good day.
Today was a good day. Unlike the last few days, when I was on some kind of weird psychotropic medication that had me plotting my own death and yelling at my mother, today has been fairly decent. I woke up feeling like shit, as usual, but was able to push beyond it. Now I am tired to the point of wanting to doze off, but I am trying to get into the habit of writing, after years of being stymied by the CF-GN’s. So I am utilizing a trick that I read years ago—to do some free flow writing every day. It was Julie Cameron, I think, who said a writer should always write three pages in the morning —just rambling, free flowing stuff—just to get beyond the inhibitions and blockages. After being penalized so severely for writing about my love for Augusta, I internalized the realization that the CF-GN’s really wanted to force and brutalize into me—that my free expression would be penalized, that my feelings of love would be penalized, that any aspirations or choices of self-identity that I might dare to claim or pursue would be penalized. In time I just learned to shut down and censor all expression of any meaning.
What has changed? Well, nothing really. The CF-GN’s are still making my life hell. Even today, while I was shopping for the computer, one of the christo-morons who always shadow me (to control my every move and initiative—whether regarding love, sex, money, or job), tried to tell me, “go around the corner to a shop across from Circuit City on Cutler.” I wanted to tell her, “yeah, lady, I did that years ago, and the proprietor put a partition in the computer that completely fucked it up, so that the $200 or $300 I spent on the laptop was completely WASTED, RUINED, THROWN DOWN THE TOILET,” which has been the characteristic story of the last 15 years of my life.
What can I do? I can never regain those lost years. They are lost, gone, wasted in years of suffering, pain, and controlled, drugged and very real imprisonment. I don’t know if I ever will be free to live, work and love again. But I have learned that I can impact reality despite my misery and constraints, and that is what I have to do. If nothing else, I will shout at the top of my verbal lungs, that to be human is to be FREE, and self-determining.
Even the christo-morons who stalk me have no idea how close the entire world is to complete subjugation to spiritual totalitarianism, as opposed to the political totalitarianism from which they think they are protected by American citizenship. Such naivete! Americans are just more deluded than the rest of the world. I often remember the most scathing commentary that the modern monk, Thomas Merton, had for the American populace. He wrote, “America is a big, candied baby,” and I have to concur. A less poetical, more sociological analysis would state, “Americans are full of their own self-entitlement, all races, all classes, all genders and all ages. Even me, bruised from the school of hard knocks and rejection, thought that my freedom of choice, self-determination, and self-expression were guaranteed and protected. Little did I know that for the last 60+ years, a hidden, shadow cabal of well, christo-fascists and government nazis, were operating in the shadows, gaining power and stranglehold positioning until finally the trap was ready to be sprung. And baby, springing is around the corner.
I, more than anyone else know the inflammatory nature of words like “nazi” and “fascist,” but unfortunately, these are the most accurately descriptive of words. This is no exaggeration, but only a sad recognition that the malignant cancers that so many 20th century artists, writers, politicians, and soldiers of every level spent fighting with all their passion, strength, youthful vitality, and lives, has resurfaced with renewed vigor and invigorated immunity of stealth.
So, I try once more to write, struggling to find the barest minimum of privacy. I spent all day looking for a typewriter/word processor/ancient computer that would have some ability to avoid the ever present spying and harassment that is my lot. I wish I could say success, but I can’t. I spent $37.00 on a very decent Gateway, but of course, they were able to slip in a virus disk, creating the hidden non-DOS partition before I even left the store. I knew that I couldn’t hold them off for long, but at least I have disabled any ability to quickly/immediately transfer data via network modem (it was an ancient dial-up modem, but somehow they were scripting and transferring data—at least until I removed the modem card, hehe).
The inside of this 11-year-old computer was in pristine shape. The seal had never been broken until I removed the cover and I couldn’t believe the cleanliness inside—after 11 years! The inside of my computers looks like dust bunny hell after a year or two. But clean is good. Whoever was the previous owner took really good care of this computer and it shows. So it should do the job I want it to—a non-Internet word processor with a minimum of fuss. It also has a FAT partition and a windows 98 operating system, so if they try to pull what they did with my laptop—mess with the operating system boot up, I should be able to reload the operating system myself.
I hope that it doesn’t go that far, even though it was enjoyable messing with the computer earlier today—more enjoyable than the act of writing itself. If I could choose a job, I think I would really like to be a computer tech—it’s challenging but rewarding to figure out and fix the hardware and software. But of course if I were to spend thousands of dollars getting certified, I still wouldn’t be able to get a job. I’d just be further in debt than I already am, with nothing to show for it. Maybe I could protect my computer security a little better—but really, who am I kidding—I am up against and victimized by unlimited resources, genius, and top secret technology. There is no use railing against it, though. After 15 years of the hell I have endured at the hands of christo-fascists and government nazis, I just look forward to a good day.
Today was a good day. Unlike the last few days, when I was on some kind of weird psychotropic medication that had me plotting my own death and yelling at my mother, today has been fairly decent. I woke up feeling like shit, as usual, but was able to push beyond it. Now I am tired to the point of wanting to doze off, but I am trying to get into the habit of writing, after years of being stymied by the CF-GN’s. So I am utilizing a trick that I read years ago—to do some free flow writing every day. It was Julie Cameron, I think, who said a writer should always write three pages in the morning —just rambling, free flowing stuff—just to get beyond the inhibitions and blockages. After being penalized so severely for writing about my love for Augusta, I internalized the realization that the CF-GN’s really wanted to force and brutalize into me—that my free expression would be penalized, that my feelings of love would be penalized, that any aspirations or choices of self-identity that I might dare to claim or pursue would be penalized. In time I just learned to shut down and censor all expression of any meaning.
What has changed? Well, nothing really. The CF-GN’s are still making my life hell. Even today, while I was shopping for the computer, one of the christo-morons who always shadow me (to control my every move and initiative—whether regarding love, sex, money, or job), tried to tell me, “go around the corner to a shop across from Circuit City on Cutler.” I wanted to tell her, “yeah, lady, I did that years ago, and the proprietor put a partition in the computer that completely fucked it up, so that the $200 or $300 I spent on the laptop was completely WASTED, RUINED, THROWN DOWN THE TOILET,” which has been the characteristic story of the last 15 years of my life.
What can I do? I can never regain those lost years. They are lost, gone, wasted in years of suffering, pain, and controlled, drugged and very real imprisonment. I don’t know if I ever will be free to live, work and love again. But I have learned that I can impact reality despite my misery and constraints, and that is what I have to do. If nothing else, I will shout at the top of my verbal lungs, that to be human is to be FREE, and self-determining.
Even the christo-morons who stalk me have no idea how close the entire world is to complete subjugation to spiritual totalitarianism, as opposed to the political totalitarianism from which they think they are protected by American citizenship. Such naivete! Americans are just more deluded than the rest of the world. I often remember the most scathing commentary that the modern monk, Thomas Merton, had for the American populace. He wrote, “America is a big, candied baby,” and I have to concur. A less poetical, more sociological analysis would state, “Americans are full of their own self-entitlement, all races, all classes, all genders and all ages. Even me, bruised from the school of hard knocks and rejection, thought that my freedom of choice, self-determination, and self-expression were guaranteed and protected. Little did I know that for the last 60+ years, a hidden, shadow cabal of well, christo-fascists and government nazis, were operating in the shadows, gaining power and stranglehold positioning until finally the trap was ready to be sprung. And baby, springing is around the corner.
I, more than anyone else know the inflammatory nature of words like “nazi” and “fascist,” but unfortunately, these are the most accurately descriptive of words. This is no exaggeration, but only a sad recognition that the malignant cancers that so many 20th century artists, writers, politicians, and soldiers of every level spent fighting with all their passion, strength, youthful vitality, and lives, has resurfaced with renewed vigor and invigorated immunity of stealth.
So very fucked up
So very fucked up---not able to open eyes or hold head up. way too much csf in brain. can feel pressure, the brain strangulation that i recognize from before. forced myself to drive one mile to library, cant keep eyes open. cant take in stimuli.. wantdd to do laundry go to grocery store butt know i cant do that because im too fucked up to drive. wanted yesterday to work out.l havent worked out in over two weeks bu cant work out. too sick. in the meantime i get fatter and fatter. can see it and feel it in belly and legs . belly has some kind of weird shooting pains. i cant see straight. my right eye is so dark that i know optic nerve cant sustain this kind of pressure. way too dark with large pieces of field missing. cant even see keybord correctly. fortunately i type by touch.
but as fucked up as i am i had to force self to get up and drive the mile to library. mind wont stop. spirit wont die, until all senses in body die. have to fight the goddamned occultic fuckers responsible for my torture. i m too sick to write sustained but mind is firing. but because the goddamned pieces of shit r able to hack into my comupter into pretty much real time, i have to post from my gateway wprd processor. have to put out the knowledge. cant let the goddamned gnostics ("knowledge as power wielded over others"--the very definition of occultists, as opposed to legitimate and CREATIVELY spiritual religions have the upperhand. So i will post from floppy disk, "3pages"now and explain letter. now mind is too fucked up to think logically.
but as fucked up as i am i had to force self to get up and drive the mile to library. mind wont stop. spirit wont die, until all senses in body die. have to fight the goddamned occultic fuckers responsible for my torture. i m too sick to write sustained but mind is firing. but because the goddamned pieces of shit r able to hack into my comupter into pretty much real time, i have to post from my gateway wprd processor. have to put out the knowledge. cant let the goddamned gnostics ("knowledge as power wielded over others"--the very definition of occultists, as opposed to legitimate and CREATIVELY spiritual religions have the upperhand. So i will post from floppy disk, "3pages"now and explain letter. now mind is too fucked up to think logically.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Hey WLR
Hey WLR--you ready for your daily dose of spiritual and mental porn motherfucker? Managed to put your fucking virus/hidden partition into the word processor I bought. Well, you are going to have to go to the house to physically download it, but for now goddamned piece of shit porn freak, read this. You so eager to get into my brain--its not enough to destroy it, you gota watch annd analyze me like a fucking rat in a cage, which is what I am A FUCKING RAT IN A GODDAMNED EVIL EXPERIMENT. So get this--subject is not very happy after a night of psychotronic warfare that made it impossible for me to sleep until 5:30 in the morning. You think that I am an unhappy, hysterical, mentally ill customer of your purveyed mental shit. Why don't you ask my neighbor, who by gauging the hard rock he was listening to at three in the morning, is suffering the byproducts of the psychotronic EMF/ELF as well. Ask him what it does to his mental well-being to get about 15% of what I am getting. Oh, but it is all my fault, isn't it motherfuckers? I am "mentally ill," aren't I motherfuckers. "I am anti-social" arent I motherfuckers? "I am uncooperative, sociall defiant, and homosexually deviant", a ren't I? What other kind of psychobabble can you push to justify your toreture of me, while you enjoy and smack your lips over the constant video, audio and computer survellance of me for your own reality peep show. I am running out of physical ability to type. Goddamned pieces of shit threw the switch and now their goddamned implants are turning my body to jelly. Had a hard time parking, steering wheel was as stubborn as an ancient or economy car sans power steering. Tried to shake to get the shit out of my body and brain but the goddamned motherfuckers just turned up the volume. FUCK YOU PIGS! FUCK YOUR AGENDA! Have you had enough WLR? Go get some more. I jsut gotta get thru this fucking day, realizing as i always do the abysmall quaklity of my life, and the deteriorating condition of my body which is more like a 70 years old than a middle aged woman. No need for tears tita, your life will never belong to you again. you are a slave of the goddamned christo fascists and government nazis and you will never be free, so just learn to live each day ghating life and reality and the pieces of shit who would make everyuones life as hateful and not worth living as your own.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
No longer know what is the matter with me
No longer know what is the matter with me--severe mood swings with suicidal ideation, belly pains (even on am empty stomach), bloated, crampy and gassy. It hurts to eat. It even hurts to drink water even though I am constantly dehydrated. More than anything else, I just long to be free of these neverending psyhotronic drugs and misery.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
From bad to worse
From bad to worse as I have lost two days of my life to pain and downloaded psychotronic drugs. I don't even know how I finally got up and was able to drive to the library, but at least the mind is a little clearer after two days. I stepped out on my front porch and saw a couple walking by, and just was stunned to remember/realize that there are people in the world who have a life, who have partners, who are physically able to walk down a street--not cooped up in a psychic/physical hell of pain and suffering that leaves one totally debilitated and nonfunctioning. I long to live life again. To be free of these goddamnedd neverending drugs. To be able to walk, skip, and sing (it has been two weeks since I was able even to go to thye gym and work out). To have a lover to share my life and thoughts, inspire me, and take care of me when I am so goddamned sick (as in yesterdat) that I am unable to get up and move. My face was so bloated yesterday i didnt recognize it. I think i had/have the mumphs as I could feel my lymph nodes swollen, hard and knotted, like a thich rope or cable. Even the back of my neck was swollen. Everything hurt. Luckily, I guess I could sleep. slept all day yesterday, night and most of todya. what a waste of my life. God help me persevere.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Pain.
Pain--so much fluid on my body that it hurts to walk, to live, to breathe. I can't walk. I half hobble, half waddle as I try to accomodate intense pain in legs, nerve pain, stabbing, fiery pain in legs, where the implants are, and in my hip joints and pelvic girdle where all the excess fluid is putting pressure. My shoulder joints also are so painful, they don't want to move. My left arm feels useless and both hands are swollen and arthritic. My back muscles are spasmed like never before. Just want t o lay in bed and sleep but got to get up and take care of things. Just hurts so much to walk. Cranky, unable to stand any stupidity--think its the goddamned psychtoropics messing with serontonin. When are these fuckers going to understand that I am not a normal brained person and the downloads they think are within human toleration (for the rest of their WILLING guinea pigs) is extremely painful, stressful and debilitating to the point of non-functioning for my brain. Dreamed the other night that one day all these dna changes these fucking rapists are doing to me will be overturned. for now, just got to get up and fucntion
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Swollen to the point of popping
Swollen to the point of popping--face swollen, belly bloated, legs in neuropathic pain, brain and eyes hurt from excess cranial fluid...After a horrible painfilled night I just long for death. I am so tired of suffering, of being miserable, of being enslaved by these Illuminati torturers. God, how I desperately long to be free, free of the implants, the mind control, the ELF torture, the never ending pain and muscle spasms. I pray and pray for freedom, even if it means death, for death is preferable to the slave life that I lead. God help me.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
So very very sick
So very very sick for the past two-three days. Unable to move sick. Unable to function sick. Goddamned illuminati (oh yes, I recognize that a lot of the satanists and christofascists in the roman catholic church are actually freemason/knights templar luciferians) are throwing every kind of psychotropic drug in the world at me. My suffering over the past 2-3 days has been unimagibable. No one could live with the hellacious suffering, pain, and psychotic alienation caused by the drugs as I have. But guess what fuckers, I have! And I will continue to fight you as long as I breathe and live. So motherfuckers go ahead and kill me, because every day I live and think (which is all I can do when I am so fucked up that i cannot even move, I become more angry and confirmed in my hatred for you, and resistance to your anti-human, luciferian agenda.
I dreamed over two weeks ago that the goddamned pieces of shit would be making my life hell with the goddamned trip to the space station. From there they can attempt to hijack my brain (how's that working out for ya, you pieces of goddamned, worthless shit). Not too well, I would guess by the extra psychotropics that have been thrown at me. You can throw every drug in the world at me, you can touch my body and cause suffering and pain to a torturuous degree of agony, you can destroy my mind, but you can never touch my free spirit. I will fight you and your pathetic, occultic worship and agenda with every breath I take.
But their brain hijacking and ELF (electromagnetic frequency manipulation is taking their toll--it is taking its toll on me, and to a much more successful degree on people of weaker character. I feel especially sorry for the victims of the Huntsvill Ala professor. From the little I have been able to gather, she is a lifelong victim of the Illuminati, having been unfortunate enough to be born in an Illuminati family. I am sure that she has suffered from severe neurosis her entire lige but the latest targeting sent her over the edge.
Every day I live, I understand more, but am unable to do much more than try to get up every morning and function. My house is a complete mess, but I am unable to wash a dish or cook. I've been living on tv dinners. I can barely walk. My legs are so neuropathic that I can hardly bear the pain, sitting, much less walking, and my joints and pelvic girdle are stiffened by the drugs in an unnatural position, so that I can only drag my lims about a foot at a time. but the one thing that increases every day is my resolve against these christofascists (I am wondering who to blame more for my current suffering--the political fascists or the religious ones--doesn't really matter, as in the tortures of the Inquistion, pathetic wrecks of male humanity (funny how both freemasons, knight templars and christofascists insist on male only exclusivity--and how the humans from the future in which they triumph are no longer capable of physical creation, as they have completely destroyed the feminine principle through their male domination) from both sides conspire to destroy the voice of God and humanity. Well the only way to destroy my voice motherfuckers is to kill me. Every day I live I understand more, and pray to God for the strength to fight you.
I dreamed over two weeks ago that the goddamned pieces of shit would be making my life hell with the goddamned trip to the space station. From there they can attempt to hijack my brain (how's that working out for ya, you pieces of goddamned, worthless shit). Not too well, I would guess by the extra psychotropics that have been thrown at me. You can throw every drug in the world at me, you can touch my body and cause suffering and pain to a torturuous degree of agony, you can destroy my mind, but you can never touch my free spirit. I will fight you and your pathetic, occultic worship and agenda with every breath I take.
But their brain hijacking and ELF (electromagnetic frequency manipulation is taking their toll--it is taking its toll on me, and to a much more successful degree on people of weaker character. I feel especially sorry for the victims of the Huntsvill Ala professor. From the little I have been able to gather, she is a lifelong victim of the Illuminati, having been unfortunate enough to be born in an Illuminati family. I am sure that she has suffered from severe neurosis her entire lige but the latest targeting sent her over the edge.
Every day I live, I understand more, but am unable to do much more than try to get up every morning and function. My house is a complete mess, but I am unable to wash a dish or cook. I've been living on tv dinners. I can barely walk. My legs are so neuropathic that I can hardly bear the pain, sitting, much less walking, and my joints and pelvic girdle are stiffened by the drugs in an unnatural position, so that I can only drag my lims about a foot at a time. but the one thing that increases every day is my resolve against these christofascists (I am wondering who to blame more for my current suffering--the political fascists or the religious ones--doesn't really matter, as in the tortures of the Inquistion, pathetic wrecks of male humanity (funny how both freemasons, knight templars and christofascists insist on male only exclusivity--and how the humans from the future in which they triumph are no longer capable of physical creation, as they have completely destroyed the feminine principle through their male domination) from both sides conspire to destroy the voice of God and humanity. Well the only way to destroy my voice motherfuckers is to kill me. Every day I live I understand more, and pray to God for the strength to fight you.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
In severe physical pain and psychic rage
In severe physical pain and psychic rage over continuing drugging. In addition to the neverending goddamned psychotronic implants that release virus to change my RNA/DNA so that the goddamned luciferians/satanists can point to a "new man" (the true horror and scope of that hubris and evil faithlessness, I will save for another time), I have some other drug in me that is completely draining all my energy. Just getting up in the morning takes all energy and effort. The house is a mess but I am too fucked up to do anything about it. My belly is ice cold and I know when my belly is cold that I can not get out of my head/fantasies. Its easier to stay in the head when I have no energy to do anything at all, and body is so weak that I can barely stand, or my arms can't hold a light fixture in place for two minutes while I change out a bulb. But, the worst of all, to add insult to injury, is the physical pain I am in. The goddamned psychotronic drugs cause sinus problems. I realized years ago whenever an implant download was about to occur because I would always start dripping with a runny nose, an instant before being hit by the migraine. Well that continues to occur, and now there is so much dripping and drainage in my left sinus and lymph nodes that it is putting unbearable pressure on my upper tooth, creating a hellacious tooth and jaw ache. I can't even bear to put on headphones. I can't chew on the left side. I am in constant agony. I haven't been to a dentist in nearly six years but I know it is not a tooth problem though if the pressure does not ease, sooner or later the pressure and inflammation will create one. There is no point in going to a doctor. It is not a sinus infection. The pressure is caused solely by the never ending goddamned drugs and brain implant downloads that are destroying my body, creating never ending pain, permanent damage, and loss. I apray at night for this nightmare that is my life to be over. It is too much to expect anyone to endure what I have had to endure for the last 12 years at the hands of the christofascists, and the last 5 years at the hands of the NWO luciferians/satanists. My tooth/jaw hurts so bad. How can I endure it. No pain pills. No chance of any medical treatment. Just never ending suffering. Yes i long for death..
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Massive headache
Massive headache after a truly horrible night. Hard to keep eyes open. It is really bad when I drive--eyes want to stay shut. I think i figured it out. I havea an intermittently occuring large and quite noticeable "bump" on my head where I remember Dr. Huaman told me that my neural visual center is. It is like the concussion bump I carried for about two weeks after my car accident. The thing is that it swells and recedes. Now it is about the size of a nickel and slightly raised but it can be quite pronounced--larger than a walnut with its skin on. Needless to say that I am also suffering from an incredible headache--tightness and pain across the back of head and forehead. Too sick to barely function, and incredibly cranky as I deal with the nonstop pain. So goddamned funny how these stupid ass opus dei, wanna be, selfproclaimed christians think that this kind of pain and suffering leads to conversion. i tell u waht leads to conversion--joy, intenisty of life, and engagement with reality. not lieing there suffering with pain, eyes shut and asheet wrapped around the head. But the goddamned morons still are on thier sutpidass kick that i am schizphrenic and if i just would admit it, then God can swoop in, and make me like them--truly psycotic--but in a banal way of denying the unconxcious rather than being controlled by it. fr mcnamara alreayd tried that tired trick look where it got him (better yet look where it got me--FAR FAR AWAY). but the goddamned stupidass morons never lern. still trying trick. WELL GUESS WHAT RATZINGER, OPUS DEI, SLI, AND ALL YOU STUPID ASS GODDAMNED CATHOLICS WHO NOTHING OF CHRIST--I WILL NEVER SUPPORT YOU OR YOUR WARPED VERSION OF REALITY. too sick to go on much further. i expect to have a really bad week0--stupid ass shuttle is going on again.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Nothing but bad news
Nothing but bad news--dragging myself to public library as I am so drugged that it is a struggle to put on clothes, stand up, walk. Just want to lay in bed and fantasize. Need to shop, do laundry, move on computer, but am barely functional. im driving when im so drfugged i shouldnt be on road. at nite, i have to put up with the electrical jolts ever few seconds to my body. just want to be drugged up all the time so i dont have to feel this alienation of self from body and spirit. legs are so neuropathic that i am damaging ligaments tendons as I walk. i cant feel the damage till done. have to try to stay positive even tho id int get job offfer i whope i would get. honestly, im too drugged to hold a job.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Hell nite, psychotic day
Hell nite, psychotic day as once again the GODDAMNED CHRISTIANS are force feeding me psychotropics. I forced myself to shuffle to library so i could write this. so goddamamned druged i coulnt turn right on red. cannot handle any kind of stimuli, like looking for opposing cars. hurts to write because whatever drug i am on is making my bicepts hurtso bad that turning the steering wheel is like lifting two humdred pounds in weights (forget wht they r called--brain cant remember). once again i am getting hate stares from people--tells me that they think i am mentally ill, and they are half right---right now i am in psychotic frame of mind, barely abvle to function. couldnt even read for fifteen minustes i watied for computer. also, i am forcing myself to stay mellow when truth is iam so full of rage i want to samsh and destroy everything in sight. my poor filthy ouse--has all kinds of propls abviable. better than last nmite when i wanted to slice my arms to ribbons---so full of anger and desperate need to get out of my drug induced psychotically alienated body.
This shit started yesterday. i know when i am alienated from my own body by drugs. and i know when it is confirmed by other people and animals. poor dog, yesterday, was lame and limping, but desperated to get away from the psychotic human she saw coming up stairs behind her. i couldnt even do yoga yesterday. my arms were so weak and trembling from whatever drug i was on, i couldnt hold arms in a fourpoint position on hands and knees. so i spent the last 15 mins flat on back, completely unable to do any knind of move or pose for the last 20 minutes. Some people might think i am having an out of body experience. i dont think so. i was having an "alienated from body" experience. this is what lead one open to demonic possession--which i think is an outcome some would like to see.
Excpet for the goddamned christians who i believe is rsponsible for my agonizing night of pain and brain/nervous system rushes that kept me awake and longing for suicide all nite, and now is responsible for fact that i am not funcitonal in reality. i am so pissed at myself for shaking the goddamned pricks hand. my instincts told me that he was just another christian abuser/torturer but i didnt want to be rude, esp. sinmce he was the only man, so i shook his hand. bill tim, dic or prick, whatever your name was, i want nothing of your goddamned torture and saassement of me. AGET IT CHRISTAINS--AI WATNT FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING ANY OF YOU! I have suffered for years at your goddamned abusive, patricarchal, controlling hands and I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. how many times do i have to fucking say it. how many nites do i got to go psychotically out of my mind? how many wasted YEARS of my life i have spent while you play your torture games on me. FUCKING PRICK. i hate you and i hate all your goddamned brothers. right now i hate my own jpsychotic self and psychotic alienated reality. i think they are doing it because they dont want me to do well at other options this week. in their stupid warped perveted reality, they want to control me to fit their expecatations/mold while i despise them. too goddamned sick to say whay i despise them, brain cant think and it hurt to type. hope i can function tomorrow. got things to do. know i wont be able ot goto yoga like this. arms cant type or turn steering whelel much less exercise. want to go to get one thing i know can knowck me out when my brain rushes like this in electrical/nervous system jerks--high proof alscohol. just got to put up with everybody thinking im schizoid. im not schixzoid juft drugged by goddamned abusive christians. GHO TO HELL, all al you
This shit started yesterday. i know when i am alienated from my own body by drugs. and i know when it is confirmed by other people and animals. poor dog, yesterday, was lame and limping, but desperated to get away from the psychotic human she saw coming up stairs behind her. i couldnt even do yoga yesterday. my arms were so weak and trembling from whatever drug i was on, i couldnt hold arms in a fourpoint position on hands and knees. so i spent the last 15 mins flat on back, completely unable to do any knind of move or pose for the last 20 minutes. Some people might think i am having an out of body experience. i dont think so. i was having an "alienated from body" experience. this is what lead one open to demonic possession--which i think is an outcome some would like to see.
Excpet for the goddamned christians who i believe is rsponsible for my agonizing night of pain and brain/nervous system rushes that kept me awake and longing for suicide all nite, and now is responsible for fact that i am not funcitonal in reality. i am so pissed at myself for shaking the goddamned pricks hand. my instincts told me that he was just another christian abuser/torturer but i didnt want to be rude, esp. sinmce he was the only man, so i shook his hand. bill tim, dic or prick, whatever your name was, i want nothing of your goddamned torture and saassement of me. AGET IT CHRISTAINS--AI WATNT FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING ANY OF YOU! I have suffered for years at your goddamned abusive, patricarchal, controlling hands and I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. how many times do i have to fucking say it. how many nites do i got to go psychotically out of my mind? how many wasted YEARS of my life i have spent while you play your torture games on me. FUCKING PRICK. i hate you and i hate all your goddamned brothers. right now i hate my own jpsychotic self and psychotic alienated reality. i think they are doing it because they dont want me to do well at other options this week. in their stupid warped perveted reality, they want to control me to fit their expecatations/mold while i despise them. too goddamned sick to say whay i despise them, brain cant think and it hurt to type. hope i can function tomorrow. got things to do. know i wont be able ot goto yoga like this. arms cant type or turn steering whelel much less exercise. want to go to get one thing i know can knowck me out when my brain rushes like this in electrical/nervous system jerks--high proof alscohol. just got to put up with everybody thinking im schizoid. im not schixzoid juft drugged by goddamned abusive christians. GHO TO HELL, all al you
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