Friday, December 31, 2010

Wow, man--I'm definitely on lithium

Wow, man--I'm definitely on lithium--I just passed the sure-fire, time-proven litmus test. After a couple of swigs of whiskey, my eyes just opened up and could take in so much more stimuli! I bought the whiskey to make an egg nog toddy to celebrate New Year, but had decided to forget midnight and drink enough to get me to sleep. So I started drinking it straight, and as it always does to me, when I am on lithium, it made me feel so much more human and alert. LOL. You poor fucked up religionist bastards --you are so b arking up the wrong tree--unfortunately I bear the brunt of your stupidity AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AGAIN, FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. Well thank you God for whiskey--at least should be able to get through some of my email

Fucked up on drugs--

Fucked up on drugs--forget part 2. chalk it up to another great idea cant express. cant believe the stupidass fucking pigs--think they have me on lithium again--after i gained about 3 pounds from their last try. felt so bad yestercday, dead, dead dead--today even worse. No zest, no joy, no spirit, no energy, just a dragging thru life, wishing it to get over with so i dont have to be in this fucked up body anymore. too bad--great news in a dream last nite--already can see the positive repercussions--NK changed its tune real fast. cant enjoyh it. too sick. too isolated. just feel like im jerked around from someones projection to another. pissed off because people constantly misinterpret my actions/thoughts and dreams. hell, i dont even write them down most times because i know people misunderstand. from the look of the franciscan brother in the public library today, i guess the christians are misinterpreting me once again to think i have a religious vocation. I DO NOT, NOT, NOT HAVE A CELIBATE VOCATION. Can you get it thru your heads you stupidass idiots? You dont know all the dreams I have about my sexuality because i dont share them. Quit your goddamned misinterpreation of me. last nite i felt so goddamned bad and spiritually dead, that like Martin Luther praying to God that he would become a monk if God just saved him from what he feared immeninet death, i said in my mind, i'll become celibate so i can astrally travel so i can be free of these goddamned implants. what i realized today is that i will never astrally travel as long as i am so fucked up on drugs that i can barely function. went to turn on the news while i surfed---usually can listen while surf, but mind absolutely could not handle it. haven'[t listened to music in days--sheer noise to me. dont even know what i already wrote. incappable of comprehending web video or pages. oh, but i dont have any sexual desire. thats for goddamned sure. dont have desire for anything but a longing for death, which is bgetter than this goddamned lithium death. know what i want to say, but mind cant functio0n, cant order ideas in head. hard to keep eyes. open. on top of all this shit, my body has lost its internal heater at worst possible time. freezing cold. too sick to eve lift the furnace grate up and turn on furnace. just flip dial on space heater. but on top of being miserable and three quarters dead, i am cold. God, end this shit. just end this shit. and get ALL THOSE FUCKING CHRISTIAN RELIGIONISTS OFF MY FUCKING ASS. I AM NOT CELIBATE, I AM TORTURED AND ABUSED, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, AND YOU WERE THE ONES WHO STARTED THE WHOLE GODDAMBNED MESS...DONT KNOW IF I EVER WILL LOVE AGAIN. WRITE NOW I AM TRYING TO JUST DRAG MY ASS TO THE TOILOT, BED, KITCHEN AND BACK

...Never fails to amaze me, how when I feel most spiritually and physically dead and lifeless, without joy or energy, but severely depressed, the religionists all start congratulating themselves on my "spiritual life". God what a sad commentary on the state of contemporary spiritual life.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

First morning after my entire facial structure has changed

First morning after my entire facial structure has changed--walloped by the most intense pain and nausea migraine headache I have felt in years. It was so bad that all I could do was go back to bed and lay down for an hour, hoping I wouldn't vomit. I tried to make coffee--caffeine helps the migraine, but not only was I too sick to drink it, but I was too sick to even keep my eyes open. About 1/2 hour ago, I was able to take a fiornal (thank God for fiornal), and have a bowel movement (really big deal with migraines--if you can poop, you will feel so much better), and now, I am up, though still barely functioning--finding it difficult to move, turn my head, or process information. I am supposed to go to the dentist in about 3 hours but I don't know if I will make it. I think the infection in my lower jaw feels better, but I'm still too sick to test it out with liquid, food, or a tap to the most sensitive tooth. But before I get up, I want to post this entry, even though I am going to do something I rarely do--propose hypothesis for which I don't have sufficient evidence and clarity in my head. Considering how ill I am, I don't know if I will ever be able to seek clarity. It is going to be hard to type, with my left arm bothering me as much as it does. I woke up this morning, with my left arm totally dead and numb. I was able to move it, but not feel it. I took off my sweatshirt and started massaging it, and it was ice cold. The fuckers really have done a number on my body with their incessant mutilation and butchery. It is moving now, but still the nerves are really messed up and bothering me. So, I have to type fast.

Let me start out by talking of my hacked dream last night--I know and identify, machine-implanted, fake dreams now with ease and near certitude. They are as important as my real dreams, for they tell me the lies the luciferians want me to believe and assimilate. I dreamed my mom was telling a young man that sex was overrated and unnecessary, that she was a Hispanic woman, and had had four children without enjoying sex. In my dream, I knew she was pushing celibacy on the young man.

First of all, I realize now, that my mom in my dreams is not only an agent of the luciferian machine and the "religionist" proponents who would act as the machine's human enforcers, so her presence tells me something itself. Sadly enough, my mom didn't enjoy sex. Unlike the cultures which physically castrate/cliterodectomize women, so that they never enjoy sex, the religionist Hispanic culture (and many other tradiotional patriarchal cultures) try to destroy women's eroticism and sexuality (and thus their full, joyous, adult, spiritual humanity) through an internalized sexual shame. Let me say, as an aside, that from a human and truly spiritual perspective, mental castration, via psychological shame, is a lesser evil than the horror of childhood physical castration. As a liberated, feminist woman I have never been devastatingly crippled by sexual shame, and so the motherfucking jesuit pigs have castrated me--first in my manhood, and then in my womanhood--all in an attempt to destroy my Personhood.
Why? Well you have to understand the warped, pathetic mind of a celibate religionist. They purposely deny and destroy their own sexual and spiritual life in an attempt to gain some perverse power through religionist domination. They know, IN THEIR ALIENATED MINDS, that the greatest gift and purpose of the human is to create in cooperation with God, but they are capable of creating nothing, neither physical progeny, nor spiritual life and well-being, in any form of transmission, whatsoever. So they engage in a perverse parody of fundamentalist "creation", which is nothing more than destruction. Thus, they have tried to engineer me into an acceptable projection of their own pathetic deadness. They cannot appreciate the rare (but by no means singular or unique--sorry, fundies) beauty of a hermaphroditic being, so they destroy me. To be honest, there may be something to the concept of a hermaphrodite being "supersouled", but again it is not unique, especially in these transformative times of Earth--multiple children are being born in hermaphroditic, semi-hermaphroditic, and intersexed bodies. This is not a negative or shameful state of being--this is a graced, and possibly, more holistic state of being. But the nazi/jesuit/religionists don't recognize God's grace or appreciate the diversity of God's gifts. In their warped minds, they are subsumed by the mythological presentation of God and creation in the bible, and more than anything else, they want to be God (all-powerful, and creating--because they have given up their own powers of creation to serve the religionist agenda and the machine), so they try to "create woman" from Adam (the hermaphroditic being). But they are not God, and I am not a woman, though socially and culturally, I identify as one for convenience. Still, that is not enough (no matter what they do, it will never be enough, for their actions are not creative or fulfilling, even to them, in the slightest; they are purely and evilly destructive). Now, they want to "create" an avator, a (false) Christic or divine figure--for the idolatry of the portion of humanity they wish to sacrifice. Poor, unlucky me--I am the "chosen one" to be spiritually destroyed by them, so that they manufacture an idolatrous feminine avatar.
(left arm is going numb again...I will continue this later.)

Sigh...I definitely am going to have to go to the dentist. The infection seems to have disappeared, but I realized after eating breakfast, that for the first time in years, my TMJ has flared up, and is definitely starting to hurt in its numbing kind of way. FUCKING GODDAMNED ASSHOLES--there is not much pain worse than the goddamned TMJ--and its already starting...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Concern about my health problems grow.

Concern about my health problems grow. I know, from the autism I suffered while driving and shopping today that I am on psychotropic drugs, and they always make things worse, but even so, my body is deteriorating rapidly. Today, I realized for the first time that I no longer have the upper body strength to use a shopping cart as a walker. I have always taken it for granted, but it is gone forever. My arms were aching with fatigue and lactic acid buildup as I tried to use my cart as a walker. My entire body is uncomfortable at best, and in constant pain, at worst--especially the back---"ALL FUCKED UP" is the only way to say it. I don't know how I am going to ever heal, with this pain. I wanted to go lift some weights to try to let my body know that I will try to build up and resore it, but I was too sick, and barely able to walk after shopping. However, the most immediately worrisome of the health disorder created by the Sirian jesuit PIB's is my dental health. As I wrote earlier, they completely shifted my lower and upper jaws, and now I am suffering from nerve/tooth pain on my right side. I believe that they caused the dental nerves to shift from their original place to come into contact with the excessive lymphatic drainage carrying the virus, and this has caused a major infection. The question is how many teeth are impacted? I know one tooth is in big trouble, but I really fear for my right eyetooth which has needed periodontal surgery for years, but which I cannot afford. Now that tooth is really bothering me, along with the entire right lower jaw. I cannot lose my eyetooth. I cannot afford or withstand a root canal or a cap. I cannot protect my dental nerves from exposure to the lymphatic fluid. It is a huge, horrible mess. I was all worried about how to prioritize my Christmas cash, and now it looks like it is going all to the dentist. The best case scenario is going to require at least a half mouth x-ray, and unless the infection clears (I ate two raw cloves of garlic), I will be spending hundreds of dollars more to fix yet another pain filled, destructive misery caused by my tormentors--I won't think about it tonight. I am in too much pain with my back and arms.

Last night's mutilation worse than I thought

Last night's mutilation worse than I thought---fucking goddamned pigs have completely moved the upper half of my forward, leaving me, not only with no-neck, but with a severe overbite. As I forced myself to look at myself in the mirror this morning, I realized that I looked different, uglier, with a bigger nose and more receding chin than usual. But I told myself, "don't worry about it, you know that you always look worst when you are drugged." But as the day when on, I realized something was seriously wrong with my jaws and my "bite." Then I started noticing that I was having pain in my teeth, which is unusual, because most of the nerves are dead from my teenage oral surgery. So I looked closer again, and realized that the butchers had completely mutilated my facial structure, which, by judging from my bloated cheeks and jowls, allows for greater viral fluid, but which also, well, makes the nose bigger, and the chin more deficient. In a word, uglier. Not only that, I am suffering from nerve pain in my teeth and jaws--they have done something to my lower facial nerves.

I could be depressed about my new ugly look. I guess I could bother to point out, that someone should tell the goddamned sirians that to be feminine is to take pride in one's looks---something the fucking bastards have totally stole from me. The truth is, I don't care anymore. I look like I feel--an ugly, mutilated freak who has been systematically removed from all human society and consolation. There is a patriarchal saint, St. Rosa of Lima. She was an extraordinarily beautiful woman, but she, brainwashed by mind-control religion, became a celibate nun, and when men continued to stare at her, she threw acid on her face, so that she would no longer be beautiful. That is a perfect example of mind-control, fucked up, patriarchal religion at work. I would never throw acid on my face, castrate myself, destroy my rib rage, triceps, neck and shoulders, and leave myself hobbling in crippled pain. But that doesn't stop the jesuit patriarchal religionists from having it done to me.
There is nothing I can do about it. My body is in constant pain, and I don't know how I'm going get the will to survive this life when I'm in such constant back and arm pain, without worrying about how ugly I am. You fucking goddamn pigs--you destroy and mutilate everything you touch.

I will close off on a positive note. I have recognized the area from which I suffer pulsating pain in my brain. It is the right temporal parietal junction. Even now, that spot is very tender to the touch. I read on the web that scientists have found that electromagnetic pulses in that area cause one to lose a sense of right and wrong. It is also related to out of body experiences. Well, guess what? The Sirian machine, which proclaims such high ethical rhetoric, has successfully undermined the morality of tens of thousands of humans--including our own military. Interestingly enough, this area of the brain does not develop until the 20's (which supports my conception of a more liberal juvenile justice), but it also tells me that this is the morality that is formed by cultural and familial norms and teaching. In Christian terms, that is known as "the Law." The "Law" is very important, and our society suffers from so much incivility and moral corruption because respect for "the Law" has collapsed--the result of Illuminati engineering. But the ultimate authority for a spiritual person is not the "Law", but the grace of God. The basis of my morality is not the culturally transmitted "law" which is neurologically resident in my right temporal parietal junction; rather my morality springs from my relationship with God through the Holy Spirit, in my soul. I cannot feel my relationship to God, because the luciferian virus totally blocks it. Nevertheless, my soul, while it can, and does suffer terribly through the physical body, is still free to cling to God, and it does, which is why the Sirians could burst every nerve cell in my brain, but they cannot get me to act against my God-given (through grace, not physical birth), and God-sustained inner morality. Moral of the story: It is those who are grace-filled by relationship with God who are most capable of fighting the spiritual enslavement sought by the machine. People, seek God. Grace is a gift. It cannot be earned, but if you ask for it long and hard enough, it will come to the humble, the receptive, and the poor (of spirit, if you prefer the Matthean, not the original Markan, gloss).

Woke up in the middle of the night with

Woke up in the middle of the night with pain in my mutilated arms---an ache in the cut off muscles and shoulders, and tendonitis running down both arms to the joints. No matter how I tried to position my arms, I could not find a position of rest. There literally is no resting position for my arms anymore. Even as I type this, the arms resting on the desk, I feel the tendonitis beginning, and know that soon they will be numb. Upon awakening this morning, I tried some exercises, but the pain is too much and the arms will not cooperate, in the unnatural musculature in which they are trapped. I did feel however that something had changed, and looking in the mirror, I have lost my neck! The fucking pigs removed one of the vertebra of my neck, leaving with me with nothing but a fat, fluid-filled double chin for a neck! I always have had a short, thick bull neck--now I truly am a no-neck, and I can no longer look down and see the floor. I guess they thought that would fix the nerve pain and tendonitis that they have left me with in both arms. WRONG AGAIN, YOU STUPID MENGELIAN MEDICAL HACKS! Maybe I am wrong--it does seem incredible to imagine that these Nazi pigs would perform a medical procedure solely to ease my pain--much more likely, removing my neck is just a way to get their poisonous, alien virus to my brain stem faster. Another detail, is that these goddamned man boobs are even more in my constant way. I want them masectomized--until the grotesque butchery of those goddamned, mengelian boobs are off my body, I can't bear to be in it.
For understand one thing, dear reader, the Sirians, like the reptilian Grays at Dulce, are no friends of humanity, but just sadistic torturers of the most depraved, advanced kind. My suffering and mutilated body bears witness, just like the horrendous suffering of human medical subjects at Dulce (the six-leggeds and the bat-winged that you don't know about, because you prefer to stay in a state of illusion) for they have turned me into a grotesque medical experiment, destroying my God-given and beloved form, and leaving nothing but a misshapen, mutilated, larded carcass that suffers from constant pain and hardship from the torture performed upon my body.
Maybe some of the poor mind-wiped drones think that I should destroy my individuality and spirit, just as the Sirians have destroyed my body, by abdicating my free will and spiritual sovereignty, in order to become "in synch" with (i.e., dominated by) the machine. Maybe, they think that will "teach" the Sirian collective and their human stenchmen, "compassion." No, I am afraid that won't work, all you poor mind-wiped, spiritually destroyed drones. If the Sirian machine had the ability to learn compassion from my pain and suffering, (I guess those who follow the Atlantean myths, would call me a "supersoul" because I am a hermaphrodite, and thus they believe I have greater influence on the machine), it would already have done so. For not only have I experienced the utter depths of torture and innocent suffering, I have chronicled it (and most volubly and articulately I might add). Even now, I am in physical pain with my arms, something the machine can certainly read through their mental implants, but I guarantee you, there is not a flicker of response from the machine.
However, there may be some truth to the myth. While I know that the machine cares not a whit about any singular entity (no matter how "supersouled" they may be), I would suspect that they are susceptible to collective action and revolt. They are a machine after all--one little datum can be discarded or ignored or modified without effort, but how about an exponentially replicating block of data? So I challenge all you poor, spiritually lost, brainwashed drones to fight back, rage, against the machine, become the overwhelming virus to the machine, just as they have infected humanity with their virus. For if you do not, my fate, pain and suffering will be the fate, pain and suffering of you and your children. The Sirian machine cares not a whit about human beings, our feelings, our spirit, our free will, our God-given sovereignty. We are data, to be processed and experimented upon for their knowledge, perverse power and pleasure. You assimilated drones think that you are saving your civilization by cooperating with the machine, and relinquishing all ties with, commitments to, and respect for those (the people of color) who the machine tells you to despise and allow for sacrifice. Well, the Sirian machine must think quite highly of me, if they have spent over 12 years (starting with the spiritual life institute, directed by the luciferian jesuits and ratzinger), using every mind control stratagem, violating abuse, and physical torture to get me to cooperate with them. So, I ask you, will you really give your allegiance to a machine that treats those it regards as "special" in such a manner? Can you not see that you are setting up your "special" selves and "special" children for the exact same fate and torture as I suffer? If you cannot, you are truly lost, in the worst kind of way, soul-lost. My body is destroyed, my pain and suffering is constant, but I cling to my soul. I have no hope, as the Sirians have regained the upper hand, threatening to destroy the United States with climate warfare, through their HAARP weapons that presaged a taste of the prolonged destruction, they would unleash if the political establishment did not put the anti-christ back on his powermongering throne. (Why do you think there was thunder and lightning present in the howling snowstorms on the East Coast--ufo's were above it, causing and directing it). All I can do is ask that, with whatever bit of genuine self-love you have, that you realize that you are spiritually and mentally enslaved, and do what every free child of God is called to do--fight for your freedom, and those of your children.
I would write more, but my arms and back are hurting very bad. I can only do a little at a time. God help us. God help me.

Monday, December 27, 2010

I may need to take anoterh visit to fhospital

I may need to take anoterh visit to fhospital--severe congestion behind eyes is messing with eyesight. congestion caused by the excessive histamine release caused by virus. eyes hurt to open, to move. can see the sweeling behind the eyeball, above and on the temple area. dont know if this is doing permanent damage. but pain is severe. pain in arms from some kind of tendonitis from fucked up muscle mutilation, pain in back from back being all messed up and pain in head from eyes. nothing i can do. i cannot stop the fucking nazi jesuits from downloiding their goddamned shit into my head. the histamine release is going to be aggravated by the haldol in my body, and the motherfucking pigs gav e me a monthly shot of it. its okay. i hope to die rahter than live in thsi body any logner.
cant read. realized today that what i forcex self to read yestercay was not comprehended. too fucked up. nor can i watch tv. cant bear iamges moving. shut my eyes and listen to dialogue. no monday nite fotball. deep pulsing pain from within right side of brain--too sic to look up part. lot of pain. lot of suffering. wish to die.

Woke up crying

Woke up crying, severely depressed, hating this fucked up, mutilated body and self. Tell myself i am on drugs and i will fell better when i am off, but when the fuck do iget free of these goddamned drugs and these goddamned jesuit nazis? On top of all that my body is hurting a lotl. can barelywalk because muscles are so locked. worse of all is my back/spinal vertabreae. because the fucking pigs keep destroying my natural born body and mutilating tissue, muscle and bone, my back is completely jacked up. I am suffering from spinal pain i have never felt before and i suffer from numbness in both my arms and hands. i know this is because the motherfuckers, like the deranged sculptor ub "Raising Helena" keep chopping away at me so that I conform to their expectations. I dont know if i can ever feel at home in some semblance of a mutilated body again. right now, nothing i can do about it. i am not so sick that i am in agony, but still find it difficult to read concentrate or think--all the better to fit into the machine, except that at this point i will comiit suicide first.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Agony, sheer hell and agony

Agony, sheer hell and agony is what I have suffered all day. writing this because i donto know how long i can stay awake, before i take painkillers to try to sleep, where no doubt, the goddamned jesuits/luciferians will attempt to hack my dream state again so i wake up in the same misery i fall asleep in. i dont care. the more i am tortured, the more i hate those sons of bitches and if the look of vapid vacuity in their mindwiped drones faces werent enouth, the torture i have been put thru, is. No matter the agony, the suffering, the pain, i will never let myself be used by these soulless machine minds. agony is pretty bad. have not showered in three days. cant lift legs into tub. could not stand long enough to take a shower. body too weak and in nerve pain from all the fluid. urine smells overwhelmingly lieke ammonia. worse of all, my own body doesnt even feel like my body. want my God given body back or to die. body hurts too much. soul hurts too much. but all i got to do is think about the alternative, and i gladly will suffer unto death, rather than participate in soul death that is the machine.

so fucked up

so fucked up can barely move. cant see straight. whole body hurts, especially right flank. i was given some kind of painful injection. at first i thought it was monthly shot of haldol. i know--i was given a shot for a month of haldol upon leaving psych hospital. but i now think it is virus. guess they dont like the way right side works. all i know is im praying for death--rleal death, not the sould death of the mindwiped, vapidly grinning luciferian drones who keep smiling at me as if im one of them. Id kill myself first. wont need to, though, these fucking luciferian PIBs will kill me first with their drugs and chemicals. every muscle, joint in body hurts. can barely open mouth and chew. just want to be free of the pain. even tho it is early morning, going to take another vicodin to try to escape pain. yesterday, tried to ride bike. viral download hit so hard, i coudnt cook christmas dinner--ate frozen lasagna for christmas dinner, spilled some of the floor. too sick to even pick it up. got to be careful not tos step in it. went to bed at seven or so, so sick with the viral download not in reality, just want to escape pain. going to take vicodin, go to sleep, not going to be abvle to do anything today, except suffer, groan, wait for deliverance of death.
oh one more thing--luciferians are doing sophisticated hacks of my dreams. cant even ty to escape by dreams. but i know. taser, nut, o closeted, beans--maybe when i feel better i will write about their higher level of brain hacking on me.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Body is locking up

/ Body is locking up--am I on lithium again? I notice the same old familiar abdominal fat spreading out, that I recognize from before, but maybe I am just bloating out, after a couple of days of losing the bloat. I can't try on clothes to tell for sure, because my body is so locked up that any kind of movement, even putting on clothes, is an uphill chore. Yesterday, I went shopping, wearing Ugg boots, because my body is too locked up to put on socks. I am having severe muscular locks in my sacrum, my pelvic groin area, spine and neck. Experience tells me that when my back is this locked, it is going to go out really bad, very soon. Not only am I in physical pain; emotionally I am not connecting either. I talked with family today, and I just w3asn't able to keep up the conversation--I am not in reality. I am in a lot of pain, but I am going to take a vicodin and go to sleep. God, I hope these fucking jesuit/sirian pigs aren't giving me lithium---I'm already at 120 pounds with high blood pressure. Too sick to fucking write this shit out anymore--just want to sleep.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Hair falling out again

Hair falling out again, means thyroid pulled. Impossible to tell. so drugged that I am walking like zombie. getting ready to go watch tv. tried to read this morning. cant too drugged. sad my house is such a mess for christmas. but glad that i got prepared food and tv dinners and frozen pie. at least i can eat dessert. eating sugar to try to get energy so dont feel like lifeless stmp. doesnt matter. jordan maxwell says shit will hit the fan later this year. can i live that long? mother fuckers chopped off my shoulders and arm muscles, lost one inch arm length maybe more. find it hard to drive, body is all wrong. body will never feel right again. try to accept it. but it is hard when im in so much nerve pain. thank God ive got painkillers. cant drink. so sedated and drugged that alcohol sen d me to sleep. what is the illuminati end game? for me to become the vapid, inane, mindwiped femmebot of all the poor machine fucked femmes that i see around me. too sick to go into it. body starting to hurt. even the upper back release of pain that i experienced for a couple fo days was a lie--all the motherfuckers did was cut out muscle which cut out lactic acid which builds up , due to the virus. now fthe lactic acid just building up again. why dont the fucking pigs ever cut out fat. in al ot of nerve pain in joints. but just too drugged to care.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

So drugged

So drugged I can barely walk. some kind of sedative. fortunately world seems to be poised for a peaceful Christmas. as for me I am usd to this--just try to work, read, when I can. certainly couldnt today, though i did shop for groceries. too sick to even cook any kind of dinner. i guess the goddamned luciferians think that if i am so drugged i can barely move, will make me more amenable to their bullshit lies. I know so much of what is happening but too sick to write aout it. just need to go to bed, sleep, wish for better day. death, anything but rubbing elbows with those inane luciferians and their mindwiped brains.

Still on Haldol,

Still on Haldol, even though at a lower dosage. It has left me completely enervated, joyless and spiritless--just in time for the holidays!! I am just glad I didn't go home. I really am dragging to just get through life. I really wanted to clean my house for Christmas, but there is no way. I tell myself, "don't be depressed, it's just the drugs, and you will better when you are off them." But it is hard not to get depressed when I am so enervated and lacking personal autonomy. I'm trying to force myself to get up and do some shopping so I will have something fresh to cook for Christmas dinner--it is, after all, the birthday of our Lord (at least, the day we celebrate it on!), for there is no way I am getting out of this house on Christmas Eve. But I am so tired and drugged, it feels like I'm climbing Mt. Everest. Wish I could think through some problems in my mind, but too drugged up. So I might as well shop.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Just had a flash...

Just had a flash...I think the motherfucking satanic jesuit spawn are continuing to sexually abuse me vaginally. I am waking up with pain in my interior vaginal walls. I finally figured out that what the fucking goddamned POS Hans did to get me to orgasm in my dream was to stimulate my vaginal G-spot, but because there was no emotion involved, no heart longing to share, no bodily arousal, the orgasm was a complete machine generated fake, which I even knew in my dream. I think the vaginal dryness I experienced for a couple of days afterward was a bodily attempt to say, "no more vaginal penetration." Of course, that doesn't stop POS Hans and his jesuit POSse. But my unconscious now knows the luciferian abuse and deception being perpuated upon me in my sleep, and just involuntarily refuses to cooperate, which could be why I am waking up with pain....I don't know. I don't care. My hatred for these satanic pigs cannot be explained or described...

You know, I remember when all this shit started--back in 2003 or so. I told Sr. Ann about a dream of priests hooking me up to a machine, trying to figure out how to get me to orgasm, and my fury at their stupidity and violating behavior. I told Sr. Ann, "they want to know what brings me to orgasm? Just ask me." The trouble is that most of the hierarchial celibates have lost the capacity to dialogue, especially with women--instead they impose their own beliefs and needs through violation. The other problem is that they don't respect free will. What makes me orgasm is a love encounter with another woman, but they just refuse to accept the reality of my own truth. They may rape me again and again and again. They may reduce my body to a asexual freakish stub of a eunuch, but I will not deny my own truth. It is against my own spirital convictions and beliefs, and nothing will induce me to lie or sell out my own spiritual truth.

Finally realized why my fingers are now stubs--

Finally realized why my fingers are now stubs--the motherfucking asshole aliens chopped off my shoulders. Waking up full of rage, feeling the pain and dead zone between my legs instead of the normal, responsive and receptive tenderness and erotic energy. I have long held a theory that the dysfunctional psychological rage found in so much of the population of the Middle East and Africa was the hidden, repressed rage of women and mothers denied their full erotic self-awareness and expression, caused by cliterodectemies (the young men carry their mothers' repressed rage). Now, experiencing what a cliterodectemy does to one's body and soul, I am certain of it. I have lost, not only all erotic sensation (even of my own self--I no longer feel my own boobs--but more than anything I want the goddamned things cut off), I have lost the depth of compassion and joy in relating to others, especially men. Eroticism is the source of all feeling and love in the adult. Unlike most clitorectomized women, I am not a psychological child, who loves from an unwholesome, incomplete, perpetually unfulfilled, and immature neediness that is rooted in the mutilated erotic body. Instead, the source and spring of my love has always been my own eros--eros rooted in relationship, relationship to my own once beautiful and whole body, to others (even men--while I had no real sexual interest in men, I used to delight in their beings--I don't delight in anything anymore), and, of course, when I was actively engaged in the spiritual life, to God. Little by little, all that has been taken away from me, by erotically (and thus spiritually) dead, luciferian religionists, and nothing but a dead zone is left in me--a dead zone that gets more and more chopped every day. It took me a while to realize exactly why my fingers, especially my ring fingers are now stubbier. The goddamned pigs cut off my shoulders. It took me a while to realize it, because for years now, I have been unable to bear looking at my tortured body and eyes in the mirror, except to factually note the latest flagrant outrage of abuse. Even now, my mirror is obscured by piled clothes, waiting for me to get the health and strength to take them into the basement. I don't care, because I don't care what I look like anymore, and my self-hatred grows larger with each passing day and mutilating a bduction.

I know that I am on some kind of drug--I can see it in my eyes, and maybe that contributes to my intense rage and hatred that I feel right now, but I know that I have lost practically all feeling function, with my dead eros and mutilated body. I don't act from the basis of feeling, but conviction. A human being is a human being, no matter what I feel about them. As for me, I have to try to continue to function, despite my own self-hatred and longing for death.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Dreading to fall asleep again, wondering what the goddamned jesuit-allied aliens (I think they may be some faction of Sirians) will do to me during abduction this time. I can't fight it. After a day of non-functioning misery and illness, I am drugged on the familiar alien/Illuminati cocktail of hypnotics and sedatives to make me sleep, so they can abduct and torture at will. I am so sick of waking up in a body that no longer belongs to me, while these fucking pigs try to force me into their version of who I should be. I don't give a fuck what any of you assholes think. I don't care if you believe I'm some great spiritual teacher who has to incarnate as a female to carry out what you stupidasses think is my mission. I DIDN'T incarnate as a female. I am not a female in my deepest identity and never will be. I incarnated as a hermaphrodite, and that is my self-identity, battered and tortured to death, as it is. Still, I affirm that identity, and I choose the path that I recognize God laid out for me, and it sure doesn't involve getting abducted and mutilated by lasers every nite, while a bunch of dickdead celibates fuck me in my mind, because they gave up their own humanity, manhood, and sexuality decades ago. You think you are so spiritually evolved. Well, let me throw back the spiritual laws you are supposed to profess. I claim the right to free will and self-determination, and I don't want any more abductions, any more bodily mutilations, any more injections into my brain, unless I CONSENT, and I don't know who the fuck is hovering over my home abducting me BUT I DO NOT CONSENT. As stated previously, the only aliens I want any contact with are the Pleidians--the rest of you go recruit from the Illuminati--leave people of the Spirit, like me, ALONE.


Halperidol--that is the psychotropic drug that I am being force fed by the apostate Jesuits and the evil stenchmen of the Vatican. I know my last post probably didn't make much sense--I have to apologize. I am being severely drugged on psychotropics. Thank God, I didn't travel for the holidays. As it is, this drug has me so messed up that I cannot even drive--I am barely in reality--though it helps to focus on a small patch of reality--my mind and this netbook, whereas the real difficulty is being aware of a larger reality, ie, the car in front of me, the light ahead of me, and the person making a turn--too much information for brain to process in this state. However, there is no doubt that these fucking jesuit pigs are still abducting me, and mutilating my body, and frying my brains on intense psychotropic drugs, in an attempt to make me the kind of subhuman, ungodly, (and even satanic and luciferian),apostate religionists that they are. FUCK THEM! I don't know what is going to be left of me when those fucking goddamned pigs are through, but I know that I never will trade my spirituality, sexuality, and freewill for their sterile, barren hearts, minds, and souls. Maybe it will be an opening to feel good about transcending dimensions. I have often wondered how I will feel when I look down and see myself embodied as a reptile. But I am so alienated from my own, mutilated, tortured, unnatural body that has been destroyed from its original God-given blessings, that likely it won't matter at all. If God endowed me with a reptilian etheric body, at least that is natural; this mutilated lump of human flesh I am now forced to live in, is not natural or God-given at all, and I just long to be free of it.

Of course, my intense desire for death and suicide are likely the results of the drugging. I know I am on halperidol, because my dreams (all messed up and confused, as always when I am drugged, but I still got it), told me so. My dreams also told me that Ratzinger is the mover behind it, though he is doing POS Hans bidding. In my dream I saw a black bulldog barking at me, and in my dream, I thought, "black...hmmm, I wonder if this represents the black pope." Ratzinger was known as the Pope's bulldog when he was a cardinal; now he is a bulldog for the so-called black pope. Somewhere on the web, there is a picture of POS Hans with about 7 of his closest advisors. Every one of those men, including the sole African, are full of evil, and I agree with the supposition that the entire order needs to be dissolved FOREVER. As per the link in my posts a couple of entries ago, I think both John Paul I and II, were moving towards strict censure and possible dissolution, but one was murdered, and the other nearly was. Even though John Paul II survived the bullet in his gut, the virus left in his body held him effective hostage for the rest of his life. Not only did the virus cause him to lose his intimacy with the living God (I know this, because the virus has done the same thing to me--it actually prevents one from living at a deep, contemplative and receptive level, though it still is possible to lead a life of faithful actions and behaviors, which is why I can still resist), but it also hamstrung his choices for any action. For the virus can cause widespread neurological damage and mischief (and ultimately he did develop Parkinson's), and make one appear both physiologically and mentally incapacitated to the point of incompetency. And the evil satanists and luciferians of the Vatican made it clear to him (and may have had a signed resolution by him --according to Martin Malachi's novel), that would have made it easy for him to be retired and replaced, on grounds of health incompetency, should he move against the Jesuits. So, John Paul II, knowing the Malachi prophecy, and that the end time for the Roman Catholic church is near, made the decision that he, as handicapped physically and jesuitically as he was, still was the better choice to lead the church until his death.

I am hamstrung too. I know that the aliens are involved with the evil jesuits in this most recent mutilation--and it is not the aryans. I know that I am full of rage right now, so I am trying to keep an open mind and a shut mouth, but I will repeat again what I have said before...THE ONLY ALIENS I TRUST TO HAVE TRUE BENEVOLENT RESPECT FOR HUMANITY ARE THE PLEIDIANS!!!

As for me, I have to try to struggle to live with the psychosis caused by drug. Why am I being forcefed psychotropics? Wikipedia says it best: "There are multiple reports from Soviet dissidents, including medical staff, on the use of haloperidol in the Soviet Union for punitive purposes or simply to break the prisoners' will." These evil, rotten black-frocked pieces of shit know that I am not schizophrenic. They just are trying to break my will so they can mind fuck me with greater results than they have in the turn me into one of their unholy, ungodly, unembodied and alienated machine mind freaks like them.

It is going to be a bad day...all I can do in this state is watch tv. feel like shit. cant stand to be in own body or look at my now mutilated hands. pray for death. amen.

PS--Halperidol also releases excessive amounts of the female hormone, prolactin. That is the hormonal imbalance that I am feeling--the fucking pigs do everything they can to turn me into a fembot zombie their alienated, dick-dead minds can fuck via machine. GO FUCK YOURSELVES YOU FUCKING PIGS!!!

Went to bed at 6pm and woke up at midnite

Went to bed at 6pm and woke up at midnite to avoid any kind of lunar eclipse abduction. Might as well to save myself the trouble, as I realize that the real big abduction happened night before last, and I don't think it was by the luciferians or reptilians. My body continues to be abducted and mutilated without my consent. Noticed today that my hands were different after reading an article about finger digit length. This is something I have checked before, so I was shocked to find that my ring finger had lost about a quarter inch overnight! This may not seem a big deal but it gets worse--I've lost muscle tone in my arms. I cannot flex my forearms muscles as I used to. Emotional loss that. My sister used to love to watch me flex those muscles and I tried to teach her how to do it, but she was a pudgy couch potato, and just couldn't get it. I used to look at the muscle flex and think of her. Now I don't have that ability to flex anymore either. Nor can I make a difficult dulcimer chord that used to denote the range of my fingerspread. The first thing I did when I saw that my ring finger had lost length was get out my dulcimer, and my God, I coudn't make the chord. That is the goddamned worst part about all this fucking shit--NEVER, NEVER, NEVER do those fucking alien bastards do anything to enhance my beauty, my strength, my self-esteem, or self-image. They just take away, and leave me feeling worse and worse. I notice that my upper back feels better and should be grateful, but I'm not--it just tells me that I will never get my beautiful body back--and all they can is mutilate further to make the rest of my fucked up, hateful life a little less cumbersome. For THANKS TO THE GODDAMNED REPTILIANS/LUCIFERIANS, they caused major problems when they removed my ribs--for the remaining rib cage couldn't accomodate the natural born musculatrue God gave me. I haven't tried, but I'm sure that I lost even more strength. I can no longer stand to even look at, feel or be in my own body. I feel like Kafka's protaganist--waking up to find I am a giant cockroach. My own body is an alien to me. I have lost all erotic sensation, my strength, my beauty, my femininity, my masculinity, myself. I think that the goddamned pigs may have done more hormonal changes for yesterday was a really weird day, with me suffering once again from the feeling of autism and so fucking sick that I couldn't function. I need testosterone to motivate me to move and to function, and without it, the viral downloads completely incapacitate me. I knew yesterday something was really wrong, when the viral download hit, and I became so incapacitated I couldn't do anything. Fuck the goddamned dishes. My house is a mess, but I was too sick to do anything. I also was having to poop a lot---this is another autistic thing but it only happens to me when the fucking pigs are messing with my hormones. As it is today, good news (I guess--I don't ever have any good news anymore), is that I was not abducted. Bad news is that I have lost all joy, all energy, all motivation to live life. I am not going to fight anymore. The fucking pigs have turned me into their version of a true female--just a lump of flesh to abuse and mutilate while they project onto me whatever the fuck they want. I have no desire to "ascend", to interdimensional travel, to do anything except die and end up this fucked up incarnation that is nothing but sheer helll. I want it over...I realize I may be on drugs--I put on music to wake me up, but I realize im not feeling the music at all---that it is just bugging me--usiuallyu agood indication i am on drugs. but drugs didn't fuck up my muscle tone and my body---that is never coming back.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Time marches on

Time marches on--part of me wants to process the overwhelming religious abuse and violations I now have definitively identified, but part of me just wants to push forward. I can't change or undo what has happened. Besides, life is moving forward and I am in a very vulnerable position. I am dreading the lunar eclipse of tomorrow. I now suspect that the most recent genital mutilation that I suffered a few days ago was a imaginative cover for an even more insidious agenda. When I was castrated, I saw the reptilian under the aspect of Colleen. This most recent luciferian nightmare hid not only the mutilation of my God-given genitalia, but also, I think an interior surgical alteration of my vaginal canal. I think the luciferians, disappointed that I won't "come to POS Hans daddy" have decided to pass me over to the reptilians for rape. I can't be sure but I suspect that a large part of reptilian pleasure derives from inflicting pain--which may be why my vaginal canal lost its natural lubricant after the incident. I certainly don't want to be raped by a reptile, but at this point, I have suffered and lost so much, that I am resigned for the worst possible scenario. Actually, I know that I am in a much better position than many victims of the reptiles and Grays, for despite all the torture inflicted on me, I have maintained my sanity and my spiritual integrity.

What is the point of raping me? It goes further than finding another victim for rape--they have plenty of those--mostly abducted, innocent children and psychologically vulnerable young women. I think the satanist/luciferians rape me to find for ceremonial or ritualistic reasons. Because of my hermaphroditic nature and identity, I think they see me as "Adam"--not the first man, as per the traditional understanding of the biblical myth, but rather (and the text supports this deeper understanding), as the first, primordial and androgynous human being. They then took out my ribs and castrated me to make me Eve, the mythical first woman (at which point Adam becomes a gender differentiated man). Now I think the seed of the serpent intends to do a ritual rape/conception of my egg (s) which I know that they (Ratzinger--who is more satanist than luciferian) have. At this point, I am going to veer off into personal interpretation. Eve had two sons--one, Cain was a murderer, and the other Abel (and then later, Seth). Now the following is personal interpreation and hypothesis, but what if Cain was of reptilian lineage and Abel and Seth were the fruit of Adam's (the differentiated male) loins. I am not a biblical scholar trained in the ancient languages and exegesis, but reading chapters 3 and 4 with a critical eye, and then further on, Gn 5:3, I can see the possibility of textual support for such an understanding. What if the original sin was not committed by Eve at all, but perpetuated against her, as a rape by the "serpent," (or alien beings), so that she bore a child who was not in the "image and likeness" of Adam, as Seth was stated to be (Gn 5;3). What if the reason for patriarchal domination of women and the female circumcision were all a result of the trauma inflicted on both male and female psyche by the rape of reptiles, for unlike the "Watchers" or Annunaki, who are another humanoid alien species who found the daughters of Earth "fair", the reptilian form and malevolence would ensure that rape, and not seduction, would be the modus operandi of mating.

I recently forced myself to watch a video on the web that purported to decry the Illuminati and satanist reality ,but it was all disinformation, produced by satanists themselves! I knew because I saw the editor and a couple of people in it, and immediately recognized them as hard core satanists. I also knew because they kept showing the reptilian eye, which I think hypnotizes most humans, but which I can recognize and resist. I think the video was an attempt to reinforce subconscious satanic programming in abused victims who would click on, and watch it, but while the images disturbed me, I knew what was was the underlying intent, and did not allow myself to be hypnotized. However, one sequence really did disturb me--it was footage from the movie, "Rosemary's Baby." I never watch those kind of movies, and I despise Roman Polanski, who I know was involved with the satanic cult in Hollywood (and either because he disobeyed, or because he tried to get out, had another satanic disciple, Charles Manson, sent in to discipline his family). But this footage showed "Rosemary" (I guess) having intercourse (raped?--I don't know; the footage was not in context, and I have no desire to explore further) with Satan, which, as the video noted, "had reptilian features." As I watched the rape (Rosemary was tied down and didn't seem to be enjoying herself), I knew that this rape has been enacted upon human women before, from a very, very ancient time. Further, I know that this rape had to be heavily traumatic to both males and females, and I suspect that it is the origin of so much of patriarchal hatred towards the woman and her body and sexuality. I wonder if reptilian sadism is the origin of the cliterodectomy (and maybe even male circumcision), for the reptiles like to own and control and "tag" our sexuality, and males always are susceptible to identifying with the predator, while females are more likely to play victim. Remember, the reptiles derive sexual pleasure by inflicting pain on their victims, so that removing the clitoris and labia, and altering the vaginal canal so that there is no lubricant would be a first step in such a sacrificial rite. They also alter the human female vagina in other ways, but I can only guess....

Anyway, getting back to me, and my unasked for role in all this. What if the satanists/luciferians are ritually reenacting the first chapters of Genesis--taking a hermaphrodite, and cutting out a rib to make a woman. What if they hope to initiate a new line of "cursed humans", using my egg (s)--I don't know how many of them they got--but combined with reptilian DNA to turn out a progeny that is as violent and malevolent as they are? That is what bothers me most of all. But there is very little I can do about it...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

all day long

all day long been wondering what fucking drug fucking goddamn jesuit nazi pigs got me on now (no wonder I dreamed of suing them). am I on lithium? cant believe motherfuckers could be so goddamned stupid but entire body is locking up on me. hurts to turn head. getting to point that body is too locked up to clean myself after peeing. then theres the brain rushes, always come courtesy of lithiyum . thank god I ve got bicodin. only thing that knocks me out from miserable hell caused by lithium. figured out what fucking goddamned nazis pibs next move . too sick to write about it. body is soon going to be nearly catatonic. need to try to sleep. must be bad. guy at checkoyut counter thought i was so sick that he told me to tell him if i got any worse--holding on to cart to keep from falling.

definitely on lithium--same old brain/lnervous system brain rushes/body jolts that keep me awake. body is cravig alcohol to feel human but i only have about one shot. will ned to take extra vicodin. only thing that enables me to sleep on lithium is to shut down cns. worried that towmmorrow might be so catatonic might not be able to drive. if i ould drink would feel better. but no alcohol. too sick to get any.

Can't believe the shit of these stupid jesuits

Can't believe the shit of these stupid jesuits--a lot more pieces are falling into place about the extensive, years long sexual abuse I have endured at the hands of a truly warped, sexually repressed, dysfunctional and abusive clergy. Since they hate their own bodies and sexuality so much, they couldn't wait to make it happen to me! I feel the need to write further about the jesuits--and how I think they have been behind so much of American tragedy--from the assasinations from Lincoln to JFK. HOwever, as usual, I am so fucked up on drugs that I am severely curtailed in any ambitions or agenda.

After once again, pinpointing my medical problem (and having the goddamned assholes deal with it, after one day of feeling normal, the fucking drugging begins again. I think it is depakote, because I am in the foul, hateful mood that depakote puts me in. In addition, I can't bear any stimuli, whether of sound or light. I am keeping my eyes shut as I type; it hurts too much to open them. Why does this shit continue? Because the stupid fucking jesuit nazi pigs who have spent years denying every civil liberty and human right that I have, who have thrown me in jail and mental hospitals, who have castrated and cliterodectimized my genitalia, who have destroyed my health and bloated my body on drugs ARE SO FUCKING DELUSIONAL, THEY THINK SOME CHEMICAL WOULD EVER PREDISPOSE ME TO ANY OF THEIR SATANIC/LUCIFERIAN PLANS. Well, needless to say they are wrong, but likewise it is needless to say that I can do anything other than suffer in misery. going to be a fucked up day.

Friday, December 17, 2010

You are a lousy lay, Lucifer, or should I say, Hans

You are a lousy lay, Lucifer, or should I say Hans (Kolvenbach). No doubt, you jesuit apostate Piece Of Shit, you expect to called "father", but I don't conform to, or accept mind-control rubrics of patriarchal religion, so I will just call you by your real honorific--POS Hans.

Let me start at the beginning..whew, sit back everybody and get a shot. I am going to blow all dear readers' minds.

I talked to Dale about dreams today, and was able to get out a lot that I have been wanting to write, but just have been too sick with migraines to write about. I talked about dreams of two women saving the world (and by the way, one of them might not be me, or it might be a partner, or it may be a series of women)> Right now, it is Hillary Clinton, so God protect her heart and brain from an EM weapon fired at medium distance range by some evil, rogue agent. Amen. I also talked about the dream of "finding another service (way) to freely travel interdimensionally, as opposed to abduction. I cannot go the route of metabolic acceleration/DNA changes because of the metabolic dysfunctions caused by my autism. I talked about the dream of Jupiter and Europa, and my fear that the luciferians were going to implode Jupiter into a sun, and set me up as some kind of prisoner avatar for a fledgling non humanoid race on Europa. I talked about my dreams and fears of "Black Swan." However the dream I want to spend the most time is a horrible, nightmarish, luciferian dream from two nights ago. In my dream I was in an erotic clasp with a woman I knew from high school (LN). We were naked and our clits were rubbing together, and LN told me to stroke her back, which I did, at which point she had an orgasm and I had an orgasm, but even in my dream, I knew that it was not a real orgasm, but a fake one. I remember going outside, seeing a purple coffee cup, and starting to hear music intrude on the dream. I heard LN (who was a tall, androgynous looking woman)say turn down that music. We have a guest. The last image I saw was that of an older "woman." In my dream, I thought that she was a poor senior citizen, and knew that she was LN's mom, but when I saw her face I recognized Ariel Sharon, the former Israeli prime minister who just came out of the coma caused by interfacing with the luciferian machine, and is now trying to drive the Middle East to war. Ariel was holding a letter with a Social Security logo on it, and said, "Obama couldn't take care of my Social Security thing for me." In my dream, seeing her as a poor old woman, I assumed she was talking about the $250.00 stipend that Congress just shot down. So I told her, "don't blame Obama; blame the legislature. Interpretation--working backwards. In my dream, I was so certain that the woman was LN's mother and an old woman that I didn't realize until awakening that the face was actually that of Ariel Sharon, who I wrote about recently.

I think the "Social Security" he is referring to is a long range attempt to destroy this country by destroying Social Security. Payroll taxes (which go into Social Security) were just deferred for American workers for two years. I think the point is to force the privatization of Social Security (as soon as possible, but with an end game flex range of 2-3 years) into the stock market at which point it will be leveraged into insider shorts and the stock market will be CRASHED, with the insiders reaping vast wealth, while the overwhelming majority suffers. Americans need to realize the stock market is a rigged game, and has been for years. Privatized SS would be a huge factor in the complete destruction of the stock market. (Not to mention, as so ably pointed out by Rep. Slaughter, "how are we ever going to raise those payroll taxes again in two years?") It's a trap, but we, the American people, are held hostage. The large corporations and banks are sitting on two trillion dollars worth of capital,and they have been for over a year, but they are not investing in small businesses and loans. They say they need to know the tax environment before investing. That's another bullshit lie. They are just trying to keep the host (the American people) alive, until they can finish us off with a kill shot. Until then, their only desire is to make as much money as they possibly can, to position themselves into monopolies of power as corporations, and obscenely, hugely rich multimillionaires/billionaires as individuals (all the better to thrive in the NWO). If they gave a damn about this country or job creation or the welfare of the American people, that two trillion would already have found a home. I'm not saying that I disagree with the extension of the Bush era tax cuts--I understand Pres. Clinton's arguments. I'm saying, "Watch out American people, I know you got to eat, but just remember, you are being fed genetically modified corn to poison and sicken you before the slaughter." If people want to call me socialist, go ahead. I'm not--I'm all for free enterprise, the mom and pop operation, and small business. But I'm sick of the steady, relentless redistribution of wealth from the middle class to the wealthy, while every single infrastructure and metric of our society decays, and our citizens work like rats on a wheel to try to keep their homes warm, their kids fed, and gas in the car. But I digress, because for me personally, the most important part of the dream is the first part.

I had interpreted the dream as some LN being the facade for some kind of luciferian humanoid. I know now who that luciferian humanoid is--HANS KOLVENBACH. My outrage and fury is beyond description, but I need to reveal this piece of shit monstrosity for who and what he is, so I will remain calm until this is written. POS Hans is one of the most evil men in the world (my God, how many of them are there?). He is the retired Jesuit general, and he has been doing evil in the world for decades. How do I know POS Hans was the luciferian rapist. Well, first of all, surfing the web, I saw his picture and I knew that this slimy "Emmanuel Mitchell" in a black frock was the PIB (amazing how that acronym, "prick in black" works not only for luciferian psychic agents but Jesuits sexual abusers and pedophiles). For make no mistake, this man has been sexually abusing me in my sleep for years. I thought Ratzinger was the Roman Catholic PIB making my life hell, but now I think POS Hans is even higher than him. POS Hans is the head luciferian honcho with Sharon as his new apprentice (what did Star Wars teach us--there are always "two Sith Lords), since Ratzinger has been so neutralized. In the dream I knew Sharon to be LN's mother. I asked myself, "how could that be?" POS Hans claims Christianity (he is an evil apostate and sexual sadist and molester), while Sharon is Jewish. Bingo. Judaism is the mother religion of Christianity.

This revelation also clears up several dreams I've had recently in which I am talking with a man (POS Hans), who keeps trying to get me to admit that I am mad at my father. In my dreams and upon awakening, I am confused because I have no anger at my father. I resolved all my anger at my father within the first year of his death. Completely. Totally. But this pathetic, sack of shit no-man jesuit thinks (like so many other of the other poor dried up eunuchs in black frocks who insist on being called "father" while they father nothing but sorrow, pain and abusive violation) actually thinks in his fucked up, damaged, machine mind that he is my father. And being true to his warped psyche--he aspires to be my lover too. Well guess what POS Hans, you are a fucked up worthless lay--the absolute worst I ever had. You can push chemicals and neurons in my brain all you want. My body is connected to my soul and it told me that you left it cold, stone cold. I guess in your anger, you had to cut off my labia--my clit wasn't enough. Well congratulations you FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT. I am in constant pain, and every time I dwell on that pain, I will remember your pathetic black frock and destroyed manhood--not destroyed by another, as you destroyed mine, with your castration. No destroyed by your own piss poor choices. Well, I am not going to support your pathology, and I intend to shout out to the entire world (God knows I have been trying for years now) what an unnatural (and you call homosexuality "unnatural" lol), deviant, warped, evil, rotten son-of a-bitch that you are. Lest anyone think that your evil sexual abuse and bodily mutilation of me FOR YEARS now is some aberrant individual act of turning me into some kind of fembot slave, let me refer you to this page:
This is a conspiracy site which quotes Malachi Martin and others, who ARE ABSOLUTELY TRUSTWORTHY in their writings and what they tell me is that you had John Pau I murdered (which I believe) and John Paul II shot and poisoned with the alien virus (which I know to be true), when these men, REAL MEN, tried to thwart the evil that resides in the Jesuit Order. I suspect that Jesuits have been involved in luciferian apostasy for CENTURIES, but only in recent years have you all been able to gain the kind of power that you need to bring the institutional Catholic Church, and indeed all of humanity to the destruction that in your warped machine minds and soulless bodies you wish to propagate. This evil outrage is the missing piece of so much of the puzzle, but I too angry to go any further. No wonder that I am so full of rage and fury that earlier today, I said that I wanted to see nothing but a crater where St. Peter's stands. Forgive me God. I really want to see POS Hans and these luciferian jesuits brought to justice--not only for what he/they did/have done to me, but also for all the salvation of humanity from the machine, and for all the innocent victims they have preyed upon, violated, abused, raped, and castrated in their sleep.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Horrors of genital mutilation continue.

Horrors of genital mutilation continue, as now about 75% of my labia has been cut off, and with with my labia, all nerve sensations in the vagina, as well as all natural lubricant. It is actually painful to be so dry down there--just as there is discomfort in experiencing one's external skin as excessively dry, so is it very uncomfortable for those semi-internal skin folds and membranes of the vagina to be so unnaturally dry and completely unlubricated. But I am too miserable to even care about what those fuckers do to my genitalia anymore. For I am under psychotropic onslaught again, and it is causing non-stop migraines, nausea, motion-sickness and, most miserable of all, constipation--as in COMPLETELY PLUGGED UP. I think the PIB's stopped my thyroid meds again, not only because of the familiar sign of severe and ongoing constipation, but also because, starting yesterday, my hair just started falling out in my hands--a sure sign that my thyroid meds have been pulled. Along with that, I am too sick to do anything--to read, to write, clean house, work out, or to listen to music or watch tv. I paid last night for a movie that I have been waiting to see for a long time, Inception, and I am too sick to even watch it. Despite its interesting and highly relevant (to me) plot, I absolutely cannot watch anything--the motion sickness is too bad, and I am too sick to even cwatch the news, even though we are in such fast paced, changing and dangerous times. I am glad I am talking to Dale today, for there is so much I want to say, but I am too sick to write anything out.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Fighting for health and sanity

Fighting for health and sanity--want to write things out well, but I'm so fucked up on these downloads dont know how long I can maintain brain functions. I fear I will end up like Ariel Sharon--he is the newest head of the corporate hydra. He has come out of the coma caused by the luciferian interface with the machine. Look at the evidence. Do searches on ariel sharon and antichrist. read about his recent request to be moved. look at Israel's latest recalcitrance on the peace talk issue. understand that the recent forest fires of Israel were a false flag--when false flags disable a country, be advised that an antichrist is operative. Sharon has joined forces with the "Gentile" luciferians and the Rothschild reptilians (to put a Rothschild on the throne at Jerusalem as King of the World), and the good guys are in a position of powerlessness--blackmailed by their own indiscreet decisions. So I am fucked, while I struggle to hold on to life and sanity and eyesight while these evil forces ride roughshod over me and all forces of good. Be careful of which Israelis to trust--the only one of prominence I trust is Livni. (I got to say i dont know that much , but there is a reason i trust her, but i am too messed up to discuss it) I know what these luciferians plan for me now, but I am too sick to go into it. dont think it will happen. too sick to do much, but have to write this, because the good guys are reeling, and they need support, or this entire planet is as fucked as I life may be over, but it cant be this disastrous

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Ping Pong

Ping Pong--the ball bounces from the luciferians back to the reptilians, adroitly eluding all attempts by the good guys to regain control of the ball. My dream of Jacob Rothchild was no coincidence After a hell day yesterday, I was abducted last night and injected with nanoprobes again.. I now have a permanent implant in my left sinus cavity above my left nostril, which downloads regularly. In addition, I was injected last night in my left temple and facial area, and woke up with the worst possible of headaches, and the hot fever touch on the affected areas. My left eye was very tender, and I could not see out of it, without blurry vision, for a couple of hours. I am very worried about possible damage to my retina (after my dream last night), but there is nothing I can do. These PIB's don't give a damn about my eyesight--they just want to control my mind to do their will. I woke up for the first time in a while, seeing the abnormal, reptilian hooded shape of my eyes--maybe the hooded effect is a result of changes caused by the injections. I think of how many mind controlled victims I have seen with one or more of their eyes damaged, with droopy eyelids--the most famous one being Guy Rothschild. I guess I could consider myself lucky to be alive. I see where Richard Holbrooke is in critical condition--that is not a natural medical state, folks. He is being targeted and taken out of action, much as was the recent near death of good guy Sean O'Keefe. Why? Because the good guys are fighting desperately for peace, for they know that war is the primary tool of the dark side, and Holbrooke was one of the most authoritative and diplomatically respected voices arguing for peace. With the ball back in control of the Rothschilds, the likelihood of another manipulated and orchestrated war just skyrocketed. Whistleblowers are at high risk too. Julian Assange isn't under arrest. He is in protective custody, which he sought after he was told to suicide himself by the same evil powers who gave him the stolen State Dept. material to post on Wikileaks. I have no sympathy for him. He thought he was such a globetrotting, international rebel for the truth, when he was just an immature rudypoo, an unprincipled patsy being used to spread dissension, anarchy and evil, all the while enjoying the "bennies" of cheap, unearned celebrity, such as free nookie provided by CIA agents looking to honeytrap him. Like so many immature, unprincipled anarchists, he thought the status quo was so very evil, until the real evil stared him in the face, and then all his self-proclaimed "bravery" revealed itself as the empty bravado of an empty shirt with no sense of conviction or loyalty to any truth or "cause" whatsoever, except to preserve his own shriveled, yellow hide. I will give him credit for his smarts. If he hadn't "pced" up (sought protective custody, he would have been suicided. Also, to his credit, once he was given a computer, he called off the equally stupidly idealistic "hactivists," who still believe he is being persecuted by "the man" (that evil US justice system), instead of being protected by them! Mark Madoff wasn't so lucky. He WAS successfully suicided--by a dog leash! It was the cabal's world of shouting out what they thought of his character. I am not so sure what was the immediate cause of Madoff's murder, but I know that it has something to do with the resurgence of Rothschild power. Was his Dad, Bernie Madoff about to cooperate with the good guys? I don't know. It is not a good day to be a good guy, but as long as I am alive, I will side with the good. No amount of pain and suffering will change that. So, since today I am functional, I got to try to catch up on my life...

Closing thoughts--It would be interesting to know the trajectory of the "fireball" meteor that streaked across Britain last night. Did the reptilians just get alien reinforcement from Orion?

Also, pay attention to what is going on in the news world. How did we get to such a place where the corporate hydra could have so much power? Power is money, folks, and the concentration of vast amounts of wealth in a few hereditary families and monstrously huge corporate institutions has led to the rise of this seemingly invincible omnipotence of the hydra. Has there been any recent indications to point to a reaffirmation of wealth concentration in the hands of an elite few?.....Just asking. You connect the dots. I have to get up and clean house and run chores while I still am healthy enough to move.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Trying to write a post about dreams

Trying to write a post about dreams, but it is lengthy, involved and sensitive, so I am trying to write it slowly, but life and evil interferes. I will say what I dreamed of last night--of Jacob Rothschild of which I know practically nothing except that I outed him as Pindar, the head of the evil reptile faction on Earth, a while back. I woke up, sick as a dog, knowing that the dream told me that this rotten, evil bastard still has power over my life, in some way, to some extent (how? what? why? I'm not sure--is someone I would trust selling me out as a bargaining chip?). My guess is that I am being prepped and groomed to be a high level aryan slave, or perhaps worse, some kind of reptilian zombie protege--but I'm too sick to get too complicated with this. I have been non-functional all day, suffering with migraines and nausea of a magnitude that I rarely experience. In addition, my ears are completely clogged with fluid and I have developed thrush of the mouth, something I have never had before. It really sucks to be tagged as a slave or protege of these satanic reptilians. I cannot read or write. I cannot even watch tv. Everything makes me sick. I have been trying to finish a book on the Arcturians, all for the sake of research, as it quite clear to me that they are luciferians. But the viral download hits every time I try to read it. At first I was pissed, thinking the good guys were responsible for the unnecessary censorship. After all, I have been reading provocative, edgy, and "dangerous" material since I was in the 6th grade, and I do not believe that anyone can be a truly virtuous, or "Christian" person as long as they actively repress thoughts and ideas because they are negative, "sinful," or downright evil. You have to be careful, especially when you are young, not to be overwhelmed or hooked by such negativity, but you will never be a complete and whole, ie "holy" person without an honest awareness of, and exposure to the dark side of life. Practically speaking, after knowing yourself, you have to know your enemy, and the luciferians, like the reptiles, are my enemy, and I seek out every opportunity, short of being connected to their infernal machine mind, of knowing them better. That is why I plow through so much dreck and drama and mendacity--for the small percentage, which is the nugget of truth.

Today was not a day for intense reading or research. I was just trying to watch a funny movie on tv to make me laugh in hopes of feeling better. So I started to watch a free on-demand movie, and was pleasantly surprised to find that it was about lesbians. uh oh. Viral download hit so hard that I had to quit watching the movie, because I couldn't stand to be any sicker. It reminded me of the last time the viral download hit so hard while I watched a movie. It was "Bird," the story of a black, jazz, sax player who was married to a white woman. LOL That pissed off my mind control handlers, too (too bad, it was an excellent movie). At the time I wasn't ready to make the judgment that the PIBs, who monitor my every movement and media interaction, were making me sick when they monitored me watching movies of which they disapprove, but after getting the same intense, viral hit, within the first half hour of the lesbian movie, I KNEW that twice was more than a coincidence.

It seems that I know so very much, but am completely unable to free myself. I know that my mind control handlers do not like lesbians, sex, blacks, interracial relationships, creative talent, knowledge, or exercise-induced endorphins. Over the years, I would wonder why the viral download always hit when I would try to pray, read a book, play music on my dulcimer, or exercise. But now I get it--these sorry assed bastards, whether luciferians or satanists, are killjoys, because humans were created for joy, and love and desire, and these human haters cannot bear that we have joy and love and laughter in our life. I wish I could say that I were strong enough to be joyful and laughing today, but the truth is that I am so sick that I just wish to escape reality. I already have taken a fiornal and alka selzer--they didn't help much. I am trying to hold out for a couple of hours and then I will knock myself out with vicodin and tylenol pm ( better lay off the vodka, while I got this thrush in my mouth). Maybe inspiration will hitk, and I can figure out to free myself from this hell. Here's hoping tomorow is btetter.

Also, dreamed of damage being done to my retina...whether it is the excessive fluid on my poor optic area, or pathology caused by the constant, excessive high blood sugar that the viral download causes, I can't be sure. I just hope I am not at risk for vision loss again. It would be a great irony considering that I got these implants in me in the first place, in an attempt to save my eyesight.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I don't know how much longer I can continue

I don't know how much longer I can continue enduring these amped up viral downloads. As it is, I can barely walk with muscle spasms and hip displacement (caused by spasm). I spend most of my days not able to hear, as my ears are so clogged. I gather that everyone wants me to write, but I write when I feel emotionally motivated--and when I am sick as I am, I have no emotional motivation whatsoever, just the desire to avoid painful reality

The world seems to be in a much better place today and I am glad. Just wish I were well enough to surf the web or read. Don't know who is behind these viral downloads--good guys (trying to get me to interdimesional travel) or the bad guys. Know one thing, I would be better off at my astral attempts if I were healthy, because then I can enter a spiritual state. I suppose people find it goofy when I was chanting Hare Krishna, but I believe in the cosmic Christ, and Hare is a word of praise. Devotee of the divine that I am, praise always exalts (or New agers would say "ascends) my spiritual self.
Sick aas these goddamned implansts make me, I just psychically and spiritually implode while i try to focuse on something to take mind off pain and misery. Ready to do that all over again. Not functional.

Sunday, December 5, 2010


STUPID LUCIFERIANS BACK ON TOP--and boy, am I feeling. Sick as a dog all day yesterday. Sick as a dog and severely autistic all day today. Spent evening in bed, taking pills to help me sleep. Hopefully i will be asleep by 8 pm. What is going on with me is bnothing compared to what is going on in world. Luciferians are back on top--acting through our military--some of whom are duped, some of whom are indulging personal ambition at the expense of the country's welfare, just angling for the presidency in 2012, and some of whom are seriously brainwashed via implants, or cult-like mind control There is a new, resurgent Luciferian power on the scene. I know who it is. I know that the good guys (or rather, "gal" knows who it is), but I'm keeping mouth shut, for now, giving her an opportunity to work behind the scenes. But my fury won't be contained forever. I know what I want to write, and it is lengthy and involved, and it will come out, and if my anger, or a sense of personal danger gets the better of me, I will let loose, both barrels blazing, tact and prudence be damned. As it is, I will give you one little tidbit that flashed across the CNN ticker, "Hostage taker holding 33 hostage in Peruvian bank arrested" Something like that--can't remember the specifics, but let me decode the parts that I am sure of--the "33" stands for the luciferian freemasons who have betratyed our country, have put us in bullshit, for-profit wars, and have initiated numerous false flags against us, some of which have succeeded such as 9/11 and Gulf oil spill, and the most destructive and recent ones which have failed, those include dirty bombs in the heartland and Eastern seaboard, and a massive tsunami to hit our shores. The reasons these have failed is because of the "hostage taker"--Hillary Clinton, who, with practically no support has orchestrated a successful response. But now, the primary leader of the patriot leadership team is losing ground, because our own military allowed a huge dump of classified material for the purposes of blackmail.
Oh yes, don't blame the "gay" PFC Bradley for the dump; blame the STRAIGHT four star general (s) in the DOD behind it (you know those straight people--they are such security risks and can't be trusted), so that the luciferian cabal would have the necessary blackmail papers if anyone could possibley threaten their agenda to start WWIII, and destroy America, which is the first step towards achieving their aim of rule by the anti-Christ (dont got time to go into details). Well, let me just tell you, the person who put the "33" in check has been "arrested" or checked from restoring America's sovereignty, and global peace and prosperity, and we can think the military who would BETRAY US for that. Oh, one last little thing--for those who think they know what is going on behind the hidden financial war, shennanigans and dirty tricks, I refer you to the Rumor Mill News postings by VK Dunham, whose raison d'etre for outrage involves a "Peruvian" bond. But let me just warn you, things are not what they seem, and if something doesn't make sense, it's because they are spreading smoke. People who express outrage are very often the ones spreading disinformation, and the good guys trying to restore a sound footing, (and that would include our "good gal") often are reduced to playing the game by the rules of the "establishment" or even as "double agent"... And guess what? The establishment is not the "leader of the free world (though GHW Bush came the closest), it is not Congress or the Supreme Court. It is a fascist corporate hydra presided over by the "33", and there is a brand new head, sprouting off and calling shots.

I have no reason to lie. I have the luxury of not playing double agent, so I'm free to tell the truth. I'm also poor and powerless, in a body that has been mutilated to the point of constant pain and mistery, and a brain that is fried on psychotropics, but as long as I can type or talk, I will stand for my God, my country, my fellow human beings (and not just the white ones, you sorry, brainwashed luciferians), and my planet.Unfortunately, when the luciferians are in control (as they are now), they keep me so drugged up, that I have only a few hours in a day in which to write and accomplish anything I'm still boiling, but I am too sick. I can feel I want to let loose....the volcano wants to blow, but right now sleep is more important.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Amends to last post

Amends to last post--I don't really think these luciferian military are "haters"--they are just empty in their spirit, due to the mind control implants which has cut them off from their own humaness.

I am too sick to write any further, though there is so much going on in my mind. Once again, I am drugged and sick as a dog. Yesterday, the implant controls were released, and I felt great--at least until the viral downloads kicked in and scrambled my brain. I will admit I was too hyper, but guess what? I am hyperactive, and have been hyperactive my entire life. It is what gives me energy, joy, love, the ability to multitask, concentrate deeply, and think through thoughts to their conclusion, instead of dragging through life, struggling to figure things out. As a matter of fact, yesterday, before awakening, I dreamed of a woman being resurrected from the dead. That was me--able to live out an emotional fullness and zest for life that the implants slammed back down on me, as of late last night (just as soon as I pulled out my dulcimer to play's been months since that has happened). I know that I was hyper to the point of mania, but all I can say is that my situation is analagous to a dog that is kept tied up on a leash 24/7. When you let it off the leash, it is hyper for a couple of days until the rush of newfound freedom reaches a chemical homostasis. The drugs and implants have me on a leash, and that is no kind of life for a human being at all. I am too sick to continue, am going to take a fiornal and go to bed. I've got another shocking revelation to write, but I want to be healthy before writing it. I am full of rage right now--rage that I now suspect the military is behind my drugging and attempting to get me hooked into the infernal, luciferian computer to which they were so eager to sell out their own free will. Incredible to me that those military commanders want a piece of me, since they deny people like me--LESBIAN< QUEER< DYKE fullness of expression of being in their ranks. I don't fucking think so. I was closeted in a "don't ask, don't tell" work situation in my 20's, and even when I felt individually accepted, that kind of environment is demoralizing, alienating, and a lie, and I refuse to play that bullshit game ever again. I don't understand why they think I am one of them...because I'm white? Stupidasses got a lot to learn. My skin color does denote a certain superficial identity, but it is my SPIRIT that is the source of my true and full identity, and I am NOT part of that luciferian club at all. There is a lot going on, and I wanted to write about it all, but I am too sick and depressed to write. I'm so sick I can't even watch TV_-get motion sickness watching moving images. Wonder what fucking psychotropics they got me on now, thinking they can drug me into their brainwashed, morally zapped, all white, luciferian club.
Nothing for it but to suffer and pray, hoping that I dont get sick from all the fluid and mucous in my head and lungs....Pray to God I don't have a stroke. More than one person has been incapacitated and made comatose by the luciferian computer pushing the cybernetic connection too far and too fast, and twice now, I have feared that I had mild strokes.
I keep editing this post. This tells me I am correctl. I am too messed up to logically write and present a point of view. The brain can't think right in this situation....

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Worse and worser

Worse and worser--that is how I feel--on every level, and how I regard my situation and prospects. I have been trying to write about my dream from a few nights ago, but my health has been so bad that I'm barely functional, and it's getting worse and worser. Once again the left side of my face and head are pummelled by nano injections during nightly abductions. I'm especially worried about my left ear, which is now completely clogged. I don't think there is an infection, but how longer can my ear bear that kind of fluid pressure before I suffer permanent damage? I'm too sick to get up to shower, in order to see the doctor. If it is still clogged next week, I will bite the bullet. As it is, I am suffering from pain caused by excessive fluidic pressure on the nerves in my face which is grotesquely swollen. The upper left of my face--cheekbones, sinus area, and temple--is completely numb. Then there is the tenderness and pain in my head... It feels as though I have cacti spines stuck in my temporal lobe, and a little bit above the temporal lobe. For those who have never lived in the southwest, the most painful cacti spines are deceptively micromillimetered, flexible hair-like fibers, but even though they are hard to see, you sure can tell when you got one stuck in you. Just rub your finger over your skin, and you can find the impaling offender--it is a very tender, irritating, and fiery pain--that is what the whole left side of my head feels like. In addition, the whole left side is numb, feverishly hot, with blood pounding, from my face, wrapping all the way around to my parietal lobe. I guess this increased blood (it does not correspond with the blood pulse on my right temple) is necessary for the virus to infect the targeted cells in my temporal lobe. This is not surprising, for I was abducted by the followers of the luciferian Borg last night. It is hard to figure out who exactly is responsible, for the Borg are a constantly evolving, non-monolithic force, who "assimilates" all species and classifications of beings. This is why it is so difficult to authenticate the alien "good guys" from the alien "bad guys", for yes, some of the aliens have been "assimilated", and the list is constantly changing. However, right now I am more worried about the human element that is sold out to the Borg. These are the military and intelligence community traitors that, among other things, bomb our skies with chemtrails that contain the virus so that we grow the FIBERS (remember what I said about cacti spines being in my head--it is computer nano-fibers that the virus creates and nurtures). They are moving into the end-game phase, and while the US patriot leadership team, with help from our alien allies, notably the Pleiadians, have successfully staved off multiple attemtpts at catastophe level terrorist attacks, I sense another "event" coming soon. How soon? Maybe this month. Maybe they will attempt to crash the stock market again, as happened in 2008. Maybe they will release disclosure files spilling a lot of hidden "secrets" EXCEPT that they plan to carefully and fraudulently edit and control what they "release", serving their agenda. I especially worry that they will attempt to smear and destroy "the good guys" as part of the planned "disclosure." I feel that there is another evil force/person lurking just beyond my understanding, but it is so hard to think clearly when I am as sick as I have been all week.

Anyway, getting back to the luciferians that are impacting my life, as I said, I suspect that they are active (and some high ranking) military and intelligence operatives, freemason/knights of whatever types, but they are not necessarily Nazi. They actually may have been trying to purge Nazis from their ranks, but still there are mind control perps out there, capable of abducting, and when they are successful, as they were last night, I suffer terribly. Even if they were not abusing me, I would not support this faction either, for while they may not be traditional style Nazis, they still are HATEFULLY racist. For a while, I tried to figure out why they were racist, because I actually saw some of their rank and file on the bicycle trail. They were "love bombing" me, and while it felt good to have people smile at me, instead of scowling at me or giving me hate stares, the truth is that as an autistic and and as a Christian, I really don't base my feelings or values towards others, as a consequence of their feelings toward me (though they can influence my behavior...when someone smiles at me, I feel like a heel if I don't smile back). Ultimately though, I am as impervious to "love bombing" as I am to hate stares, though certainly I prefer the smiles and warmth. So, for a while, I was fooled, as I saw this faction's love and warmth and not their hate. I still haven't seen with my own eyes their racial hatred, but I can infer it is there, because only a stone cold hater could conspire to sell out their own brothers and sisters of color to save their own lives. They have made a deal with the luciferian Borg to deliver up the people of color to be brain implanted and mind controlled into the collective Borg central computer in exchange for a life of relative freedom as the "capo" controllers.

A radical, non-linear understanding of time plays into my understanding of our situation, for even though I confess that I can't fully understand it, I think it very likely that we have already been visited by the future offspring of the sold out, 94% people of color, of one possible timeline. (Another more reasonable, alternative option is that they are the HISTORICALLY sold out human siblings and victims of the first fall of Atlantis--and we are catching the negative karmic rebound). These visitors from our future are the Greys, a dying race with degraded bodies. Knowing what I now know of their history and situation, I feel deep compassion for the majority of them (though some--Nome Alaska--are just starkly evil). I think the implants and hive mind have caused them to lose their ability "to feel", at least with the reasonance and responsiveness that we contemporary humans feel. Reflecting on some images that I recall from both video and written word I think that they are indeed capable of feeling--just not at the deeply empathetic level of a healthy human. For certain, I know that they do have a spiritual capacity, and I base that on the testimony of Dan Burisch, a whistleblowing research biologist who worked at Area 51, with the Grey captive known as J-Rod. J-Rod, like his brothers and sisters, had a terminal neurological disorder that Burisch was attempting to treat and cure. I have read Burisch before, but it is difficult for a lay person like me to really comprehend his writing because he relates his truly incredible experiences by spinning off into advanced physics and biology, subjects in which I get bogged down fast. But more exposure to, and familiarity with the concepts, as well as a more clearly written discourse (, have confirmed what I have suspected ever since I dreamed of a praying Grey. Their spiritual capacity may have been severely damaged by the Borg collective, but the Greys still are spiritual beings. J-Rod's life is testament to this. He and his (killed on impact) comrades sacrificed themselves to come back to Earth (1947 Roswell) in order to "get our help" in repairing their damaged spiritual and biological life. Beings with no feelings do not risk and sacrifice their lives in an attempt to save their race. J-Rod not only lost his comrades--he spent the rest of his life doing "hard time" in captivity at Area 51, as Burisch was an exception, in that inhumane, brutal, sterile and lonely environment.

What did the Borg do to damage the spiritual capacity of the Greys? Guess what? This is the exact same question that I am trying to answer for myself...what are the Borg doing to me to damage my spiritual capacity? I'm not able to offer a sophisticated, definitve analysis, though Burisch tries in the above post, but in my poor mental condition, I have difficulty understanding. Still, since I am a victim of the Borg, I can offer some tentative, experiential first stabs at the topic. Last night (in relation to the abduction), I dreamed of a Comcast van by an elongated electrical switch box that I knew represented my spine. In the electrical box was a long row of ethernet ports, and I knew that those ports represented my nervous system waiting to be cable connected into the central computer. I have a lot of the Borg "hardware" already wired into my brain. The technical name for the condition (at least those whose body actively resist it) is Morgellons. My body does not suffer from the most obnoxious of Morgellon symptomology, but I do suffer from it. That is why I suffer from muscle spasms, constant headaches, have difficulty walking, exercising, or on bad days, even functioning. The nano virus is literally making me sick, and has for years. Some days, such as this week, are worse than others. The level of suffering depends on the viral dosage (and they can control it by the implants and by injections up my nose and directly into my brain during the nightly astral abductions of my etheric body), and on whatever hormones or psychotropic drugs they add to the nano cocktail. For the luciferian Borg minions are very unhappy with my response, so they make constant modifications in hopes of a better result. For they know that I have an autistic brain, and therefore should be a natural fit for the computer plugin; they also know that my brain has been absolutely ravaged by years of the virus. Still I remain resistant, for I know that the luciferian Borg model is the antithesis of the human, of the Good, of the holy.

Even as I write this, I am suffering from the amped up viral download again, so I will have to cut this post short and finish it later, for I cannot think rationally when I am like this. However, I just had a bombshell revelation about the dream from last night. I had thought that the Comcast van referred, in a general sense, to the visual and audio media that is priming the brains of humans for the computer plug in. But now, I don't think so. After reading a recent post by Rayelan Allan, I think it is much more insidious and devastating than that. Rayelan, whose enterprising web site is one of the most reliable and well-informed news site on the web (if you know how to think critically, which admittedly most people don't, anymore), wrote of a fake garbage truck picking up her trash, and issued a warning to all her readers. That warning immediately triggered a memory, from Tuesday, I think, of a Comcast van in our parking lot, parked in an odd manner, as if to block from view the work that was being done. Even at the time, I thought it was odd, because it was late in the evening--nearly 7 pm (it gets dark at 5 pm). They were working outside, after hours, in the dark (Comcast techs dont do that)! I saw TWO technicians, which is rare, unless they are working on a service outage, but I had no outage. Finally, they were there for a long time--over a half hour or maybe even over an hour (I came out twice and saw them). As a matter of fact, my suspicions were aroused, so that I almost went out and talked to them, but decided against it, because I figured if they were doing anything shady, I couldn't do anything to stop them anyway. Just now, I went outside, and saw a shiny new contraption hanging from the wires. I WONDER IF THOSE TECHS INSTALLED A NEW EM DEVICE TO BETTER ASTRALLY ABDUCT ME. I wonder if they did the same thing near Rayelan's home (RV). I turned on to her radio show this afternoon, and noticed that she sounded really off and downbeat, whereas she normally is cheery and bright. What if this conspiring faction is trying to dull all the people who pose an intuitive threat to their upcoming plans?...WOW, this chit never ends, but for now this post has to end. The brain can't think anymore. I will pick up tomorrow.