Fucked up on drugs--

Fucked up on drugs--forget part 2. chalk it up to another great idea cant express. cant believe the stupidass fucking pigs--think they have me on lithium again--after i gained about 3 pounds from their last try. felt so bad yestercday, dead, dead dead--today even worse. No zest, no joy, no spirit, no energy, just a dragging thru life, wishing it to get over with so i dont have to be in this fucked up body anymore. too bad--great news in a dream last nite--already can see the positive repercussions--NK changed its tune real fast. cant enjoyh it. too sick. too isolated. just feel like im jerked around from someones projection to another. pissed off because people constantly misinterpret my actions/thoughts and dreams. hell, i dont even write them down most times because i know people misunderstand. from the look of the franciscan brother in the public library today, i guess the christians are misinterpreting me once again to think i have a religious vocation. I DO NOT, NOT, NOT HAVE A CELIBATE VOCATION. Can you get it thru your heads you stupidass idiots? You dont know all the dreams I have about my sexuality because i dont share them. Quit your goddamned misinterpreation of me. last nite i felt so goddamned bad and spiritually dead, that like Martin Luther praying to God that he would become a monk if God just saved him from what he feared immeninet death, i said in my mind, i'll become celibate so i can astrally travel so i can be free of these goddamned implants. what i realized today is that i will never astrally travel as long as i am so fucked up on drugs that i can barely function. went to turn on the news while i surfed---usually can listen while surf, but mind absolutely could not handle it. haven'[t listened to music in days--sheer noise to me. dont even know what i already wrote. incappable of comprehending web video or pages. oh, but i dont have any sexual desire. thats for goddamned sure. dont have desire for anything but a longing for death, which is bgetter than this goddamned lithium death. know what i want to say, but mind cant functio0n, cant order ideas in head. hard to keep eyes. open. on top of all this shit, my body has lost its internal heater at worst possible time. freezing cold. too sick to eve lift the furnace grate up and turn on furnace. just flip dial on space heater. but on top of being miserable and three quarters dead, i am cold. God, end this shit. just end this shit. and get ALL THOSE FUCKING CHRISTIAN RELIGIONISTS OFF MY FUCKING ASS. I AM NOT CELIBATE, I AM TORTURED AND ABUSED, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, AND YOU WERE THE ONES WHO STARTED THE WHOLE GODDAMBNED MESS...DONT KNOW IF I EVER WILL LOVE AGAIN. WRITE NOW I AM TRYING TO JUST DRAG MY ASS TO THE TOILOT, BED, KITCHEN AND BACK

...Never fails to amaze me, how when I feel most spiritually and physically dead and lifeless, without joy or energy, but severely depressed, the religionists all start congratulating themselves on my "spiritual life". God what a sad commentary on the state of contemporary spiritual life.