Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Autistic today, while realizing how deep my chemical depression is. I am writing this to notepad because the spy network I am on is denying me the ability to post to my blog. Normally when this happens (and it happens more often than you would think—considering the resources available to my persecutors), I just shrug and say, “manana.” But by tomorrow, I may be completely nonfunctional, so I had better write tonite.
First off, I dreamed of two men in suits last nite—I realized that this dream was confirmation of PTB attempting to manipulate my dreamscape. It’s okay. Used to it by now.
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I had woke up feeling a little better off physically, a fact I attributed to thyroid meds. However, I struggled for mental clarity, and it has just gotten progressively worse. I could actually read a little bit this morning, tho my comprehension was way off;now I wouldn’t even try.
Severely autistic—to the point that I had to turn off the tv—couldn’t bear to watch the ball being thrown in the air and receivers running—gave me motion sickness. I went for a bike ride and tho my legs were dead, I could bike. Imagine my surprise as I came down with weird motion sickness riding my bike down my neighborhood alleyways. Now I am crossing over from that sensation of moving images causing motion sickness to stimul overload (actually it has been going on all day—at one point I could see every whisker on a quarterback’s face, and while biking I could see the brand logo of every car parked on a street). Maybe it is the overstimulation by detail that causes the non function psychic shutdown. Right now I cant keep my eyes open—just don’t want to see anything more.
Then there is the depression. As I talked to my mother today I realized how depressed I was. I talked to her about <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Disneyland. Ive been to the amusement park twice and each time loved it. I loved seeing the enjoyment of the kids and I loved the entertainment and rides, esp the Space Mt. roller coaster which I remember spending two hours just riding over and over again (after 10 pm at nite there were no lines and I would get off the ride and run back to line for another trip). As I realized how I groused to my mom, I thought “well the sobs have turned me into a joyless drone just like them.” There is no more joy and excitement in my life. From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed, everything is a hardship and a chore. I force myself to work out but there is no joy that accompanies it. I saw apurple and orange sky tonite and my mind said, this is a beautiful sunset, but I felt no familiar joy at experiencing the sunset. Somewhere in my memory I just remembered that this is classified as “beautiful,” and memory tells me that beauty is very important even if I have no existential relation or response to it whatsoever. I am in a chemical prison and my life is hell, and I may never be fully human again. Goddamned rite its depressing.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Hell. Agony. Pain. Unbearable Torment. Sadistic display of suffering. No words can describe the agony I have endured over the last 24 hours. I dreamed that a bullet was fired into my head. Well, according the my dream interpretation, that bullet stands for someone else's aggression against me. I know very well whose aggression it is and why it is there--it is the aggression of Opus Dei operatives (in the employ of three letter security agencies) against me for being lesbian, and for ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY repudiating their sick, warped version of religion.
Well, this morning as I sit with eyes that cannot see straight, legs that cannot walk, and a severe headache and backache, I feel something deep within me has changed. For the first time in my life, I feel powerfully committed to helping gays and lesbians, I cannot regain the last 10 years of my life which has been stolen from me, I cannot erase the psychic rape and violation that has occurred at every level of my psychic and emotional being. I may never be a free woman or a healthy woman, capable of even walking normally, again. But I can do my little part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian ever goes through what I have gone through from these hateful, religious zealots.
I know that the problems of the world, and this country are deep and many, and I know that everyone suffers from some kind of affliction or oppression, and since I always look to see the big picture, and I look always to forgive and to get along, I didn't want commit to gay and lesbian advocacy, but now I do!!
I always used to say to myself, "Medeita, most people are not ready for gay marriages, so just look at the big picture and get along." No more. I don't want to get along with conservative Christians anymore. I want to confront them. Whether they recognize me and my orientation, and my declared lifestyle choices and goals is no longer something I dodge or equivocate about.
Sure, I know how deep the evil runs in this country, and the dismal prospects for our future, but my life has been stolen from me, and I can never regain it. All I can do is my part to make sure that no other gay or lesbian person goes through the hell that I have gone through at the hands of Christian fundamentalists. That is my goal and priority in life right now. Everything else is secondary and I leave to God.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Lithium punch has me paralzyed--takes extreme effort of will to lift legs. Happened last nite. Woke up too sick to go to yoga, but I forced myself. Sheer hell. Every five minutes i was looking at clock to mark progress.
Gentle class but I was too dead in my body to function, and everything is so difficult. Typing is difficult. I feel like stephen hawking--a intelligence in a dead non responsive body, but not really cause im too sick to concentrate. Despair over how completely dead my body is. after three years of non stop abuse and torture from religious nuts, i have no reserve left to fall back on. all i can do is lay here in misery and wonder at what point i am going to be crawling to the bathroom instead ofusing my wheeled chair as a walker.