Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The more things change the more they stay the same

The more things change the more they stay the same, Had a bad night, waking up with the "occipital headache, and back pain. Very disturbing day yesterday, as I realized that the Opus Dei/Jesuit mindset is still very operative behind my suffering and isolation in life. Went to the doctor and was not surprised that she declined my suggestion to test for diabetes insipidus. There is no doubt that is what is wrong with me, but the stupid, goddamned pieces of shit who have fucked up my life and blocked my healing at every step of the way coninue to do so. I need to be a part of the treatment process for maximum efficacy, but instead they parcel and piecemeal out their "treatments" behind the scenes, always trying to get some combination that will turn me into their perfect brainwashed, mind-controlled "saint" that they can manipulate. I recognize that they gave me some drug that makes me feel "compulsive". Thanks to their goddamn abuse and torture, I can no longer remember what it was called (although I remember I was the first to suggest the drug), as I try to cope with profound memory loss caused by the great lithium fry they forced on my brain years ago. Because these stupidass pieces of shit treat me like an object and slave instead of as as person with free will and choice, they interfere with, and delay the healing process.
Even more disturbing was the same old shit that they pulled with a pap smear I had yesterday, doing precisely what they did years before, instructing the MD to cause needless, and quite excruciating pain. That is their stupidass way of directing treatment for the sexual an satanic abuse that I have suffered. I find myself so angry at those fuckers, I want to explode--not at the child molestors and satanic abusers who abused me years ago, out of a profound sickness, but at the goddamned religious zealots, who should know better, who claim to worship Jesus instead of Satan. Their worship, their faith, and their Jesus is very different than mine, and it doesn;'t matter how much you drug me, jail me, isolate me from friends and lovers, deny me meaningful employment, I will fight you with every breath I take.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Well, life has taken a suddenly different turn rapidly.

Well, life has taken a suddenly different turn rapidly. It certainly helps that I feel better physically. I still am drugged tho. On psychotropics. I know because Im so tired and all my positive hi energy from earlier when virus was turned off and there were no drugs in body has disappeared. starting to drag again,. so tired. so fucked p. supposed to go to dr. tomorrow but got the intuition that once again stupidass jesuits.opus dei pigs are playing games. probably worst thing in the world that i develp a good relation ship with dr. im supposed to go tomorrow for pap and breast exam. it has been over 4 years since thal abused me, and i wonder if this dr (never seen her before) will get the same standard lie jesuits opus dei tell all drs. how inappropriate, drugged up, fucked up i am. i am not going to put up with abuse this time. around. I only signed up for this because i need the forty dollars that they will give me for having it done. last thing i need is some stupid dr believing lies of jesuits opus dei. yeah, fucking pigs r full of lies. i knopw that i was on target about diabetets. did they stop the goddamned virus? No. so that must mean i am on some kind of insulin or else they tweakeed the hypothalamus so iam not suffering from hi blood sugar so much. have a feeling tomorrow is going to be shit day. doesnt matter. you fucking pigs i am going to give 10 times what youve done to me. maybe i cant write tomorrow or the next day but i will express myself . i will define myself. i will worship God and transform reality in my own Queer, free, way. and i cant wait to tell the world what whiteswashed sepulchres you sorry sacks of shit are.

Great news, good news, and bad news.

Great news, good news, and bad news. The great news is that my eyes look almost human, for the first time in a long time. YEH--I feel so good, looking into my familiar,God-given eyes instead of those druggie-shined, alienated mirrors that normally stare back at me with impassive emptiness. Of course, this means that I have been given a break from the virus download. I'll take it. The good news is that I think that I have figured out the source of my hormonal imbalance--at least, I'm inchng there. I haven't had time to go into it yet. The bad news is that I think that I have diabetes--diabetes insipidus--to be precise--caused by damage or manipulation done to my hypothalamus by the alien technology. In the back of my mind, I can see how it is starting to fit together, but it involves buckling down to more medical study which I do't have time for, and which is low-reward for me, because, after years of abuse, I no longer can retain medical facts, but only facts that I can store via images. But I am certain that I am suffering from diabetes, and have been FOR YEARS! It all makes sense now. The leg cramping, the problems with blood sugar spiking, the inability to eat sugar, the problems with metabolism, the ruthless, relentless weight gain,the stomach bloating, the lack of appetite but need for fuel, the sweating, and body temperature problems, the infected ankles, the unresponsive and heavy deadness, numbness, and crippling nerve pain of severe leg neuropathy, the increasing foot pain and inability to walk, my recognition that superficial wounds were taking inordinately extended amounts of time to heal. For years now, I know that I have suffered from ketoacidosis. I could smell the acetone and sweetness of my own urine. I even told the doctor (Romero). But the smell was itermittent, and I just figured the virus download was eating my muscle as aside-effect of the amped up metabolism (and yes, I despaired to realize that my body was eating its own muscle, but I have despaired of being in this slave's body for years now). Then there was the fruity smell on my breath that, again, I would recognize on occasion. But I thought it was an intestinal floral problem, and would make natural health adjustments. In the past few days though, I realized that not only was the urine sweet smelling (like evaporated milk--not acetone, as before), but that after every single time that I ate (and eating was becoming increasingly difficult because EVERYTHING I ate made me nauseated and sick), I would have a fruity after breath. Laying in bed last night, trying to piece it all together, it all clicked.
Of course, I am furious, for I know this diabetes has been caused by the goddamned pricks who have destroyed my life. Don't got time to go into this right now. My rage at the abuse I have suffered is so great that it goes beyond telling but I have no time to indulge my feelings. I have other issues to deal with. First of all, I worry if I have suffered irreparable damage to my pancreas and/or hypothalamus. Diabetes is a progressive disease, and when stressed, the pancreas just loses its capacity to make the necessary amount of insulin, until it is totally gone. I know my pancreas is severely stressed--how damaged, I don't know. I also know that my hypothalamus is becoming progressively more stressed. I know because my body is losing its ability to regulate body temperature, and has been for years. I can no longer endure temperatures that didn't use to bothr me at all. Most telling is the experience I had last mont of heat stroke/exhaustion. I have lived in this house for four years with the same antiquated swamp cooler. But this year, it wasn't enough. I was so overcome with heat exhaustion that I was nauseated, sick, and even suffering from chills. I couldn't drink water but had to suck on ice chips and popsicles before drinking--all of this while I lay prostate and unmoving on the floor in front of the same swamp cooler that has served me just fine for the previous three years. I really have never liked air conditioning, preferring the fresh air of even the hottest day (Albuquerque is not Phonenix or the Mojave), but now I find I need constant air conditioning--at home, in the truck, or anywhere else. I can only go biking in the twilight. Never before.
In addition to these concerns about my body's long term damage, I am also suffering from the immediate discomfort and stress of either IBS or Chrohn's disease (constant abdominal pain, diarrhea and nausea), even though I am seriously modifying my diet.
Then on top of that, I also dreamed last night that I had "cystic tumors" all over my maxillo-facial area. No doubt that is a big part of my suffering with fluid retention in my face and cranium. But in a way, this is nothing new--I have been suffering unbearably for years now so I may as well get my day started. No reason to assume that the Jesuits/Opus Dei will give any consideration to my pain and suffering--they haven't done so for the last seven years. They are religious fundamentalists--incapable of empathy, creativity, or any course correction or change. More on this later.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Drugged to point of somnolence

Drugged to point of somnolence--ons something that has got me severely depressed and cranky. want so hard to focus, concentrate, be productive, do something, but im so drugged. went to last yoga class for a while. im leaving yoga feeling worse thatn when i went in. too bad. back needs it, but im so fucked up by virus downloads tht during final relatxation my bac k is so arched in pain that i cant even lay flat. no t ing good shap

Stomach getting sicker all the time

Stomach getting sicker all the time--went to bed with a stomachache and woke up with a stomachache. Bely is so incredibly bloated that i wake up and feel it and wonder if i ve gained 5 pounds overnite. Doesnt even feel like MY belly. (But then--my life doesnt feel like MY life). Everything I eat makes me sick, excpet for proteing shakes with almond milk. Question--am I going to be on a liquid diet soon? I suspect that my stomach problems are caused by the virus and aggravated by the pshychotropic drugs tat the torturers then pile on. I know hen im on psychotropics--when i am depressed, angry, and low energy. I know when i am drug free--when i am happy, optimistic and energetic. Very depressing to realize I may never be free again, but may suffer from this drug filled misery the rest of my life.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Massive headaches and muscle spasms

Massive headaches and muscle spasms as i try to sleep, once again drugged up. Pissed off--pissed off at the sons of bitches drugging me while i try to do yoga while some dumbass stands behind me to try to read my mind. too sick to go into it. so fucked up after yoga that i couldnt drive hom had to sit in car. now im notonly fucked up but in severe pain. i ask myself why do i keep giving info to people who treat me like shit? dont know. too sick to think on it.

Terrible tummyache

Terrible tummyache. Have the stupid inquisitors shut off my intrinsic factor? Only in the past couple of day have I realized just how really bad shape that my guts are in. I think it is because that I have felt so badly mentally and emotionally that I ignored, or "deprioritized" what I intellectually recognized as my digestive issues. I am reminded of a story that a heroin addict, with whom I was incarcerated, told me. She said that she had developed a huge lump in her armpit, but as that she was constantly high on heroin, she barely noticed it and ignored it. However, her mother freaked out when she saw hundreds of baby spiders emerging from the lump in her daughter's armpit, and insisted that she go to the ER. There the doctors cut out an entire spider's nest in which an enterprising mother spider had laid her eggs, entering through an open sore in her body. The young woman had no idea what was going on, and high as a kite on heroin, didn't really care. The moral of the story: you can be so mentally distracted by what is going on in your head and your own befogged mental state, that you ignore overwhelming signs of what is going on with your body. I haven't been suffering from heroin addiction, but my mind is so overwhelmed with autistic alienation from reality and the chemical fog and depression caused by the inquisitor's neverending psychotropic drugs, that I have lost touch with my own body. Hell, I don't even feel my own legs anymore. So now that the alternative therapy is clearing some of the omnipresent fog, I realize what is going on with my body and my digestive/elimination system is jacked!! Everything I eat hurts. This morning I ate a couple of small, tender-sized pieces of chicken, and the bellyache started up, so I can't blame it on gluten/casein allergies. My stomach hurts so bad that I am giving all that up. But I have got to eat something. I want to try to do some yoga in a couple of hours and i cant do yoga on an empty stomach. It's very frustrating not to be in control of my own body--to not be able to say, "oh I forgot to take my intrinsic factor and now my tummy hurts," and then head to a medicine cabinet where I can trust that the meds I got from th pharmacy are there, and no one has tampered with them, and I can take them to feel better. Geez, what a novel experience that being a free person must be. It has been so long that I have forgotten. Sad to say, the goddamned torturers have got me on some other kind of chemical--I can feel it clogging up my brain. Neverending story of being drugged, but I can't go for very long with these kind of stomachaches you motherfuckers so give me back my intrinsic factor, or take me off these goddamned drugs that are turning my belly from a very bad condition into an unbearable one!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Just as I predicted

Just as I predicted--the drugging would begin again, once the alternative healing session was over. I was drugged on something last nite that has completely drained my energy and made my legs numb. I know, I know, because when I did yoga today, I felt the same old drag that makes it hard to reach full spiritual expression. They are so interested in opening my chakras, but only a drug free life allows for a full spiritual life. Otherwise, I just go dragging and literally "bumping into walls" as I did today. Maybe the dumbasses are feeding me serontonin again. Funny thing--I never suffered from depression, until after years of their chemical poisoning of my brain, wore down my natural vitality and spirit. I dont think serotonin is the answer at tall. I think that it is dragging me down now, and in a couple or three days I will be virtually nonfunctiional..I long for the days of joy, and energy and free spirit, and yes, goddamn it--because it is me--hyperactivity.
Instead, I spenmd hours on the web site trying to figure out what these goddamned fuckers are doing to me, and planning for the rest of humanity in the future. After years of virus and chemical poisoning, i think my digestive system is really messed up worse than I thought. I had kept quiet about the blood in the stool, the diarrhea, and the constant going to the bathroom. I now realize that the tenderness i have experienced in my abdomen is actually the pain, I strongly suspect, of Chrohn's disease. I am going to increase my vitamin D dosage to see if that helps, but everything I eat hurts and/or sends me to the bathroom. Most importantly is to try to keep active, when i am dragging so bad. i dont even know if i can go for a bike ride later. Body is just so drugged up and dragged down.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Finally feeling a little better

Finally feeling a little better after healing sessions today. Not great, mind you. Body is still very heavy and dead, but I feel better. Ialos realized today how much of my virus problem is related to the colon. After eating a cheeseburger (I am on a plan to gradually eliminate all gluten and casein from my diet), I instantly felt so heavy and sick again, and it brought back memories of the early days of exposure to this virus, and how I felt so badly after eating. I toldRebecca about it, but it was like being hit with the post mealtimes sluggishness x's 10 and I told her that i could literally feel it going all thru my body. Fastforward to our time travelling future grey descendants--they can't digest at all. THE VIRUS IS KILLING OUR ABILITY TO DIGEST ORGANIC MATERIAL. That is why I bloat so badly and becauuse the colon affects the brain, I am suffering from the autistic fog. The autism was completely gone today! I find it diffiult to drive or bikeon a roadway when I am autistic. My sensory perceptions are "off" and I become anxious and panicky thinking that someone is about to hit me. Today for the first time in years, I felt comfortble biking on the roadway edge (instead of on the sidewalk or against traffic), because I had proper sensory awareness and reaction to what was physiclaly going on around me, instead of tunnel vision. I still am suffering. I feel heavy and tired again, and found myself waking up, coughing and asthmatic, choking for air. Very interesting theory about that too--another time. I also am suffering from the "brain rushes" that make it so diffeicult to sleep. I hope some atylenol pm cna address that. Ive been dreaming the past couple of nights--something else i rarely do any more. My dream told me that an earthquake was going to hit San Diego. I have dreamed before that San Diego was going to be nuked. Months ago, I spent a couple of hours trying to track down an old college friend who used to live in San Diego, and felt much better once I learned she had divorced her cheating husband and returned to Northern California. I never contacted her though. What could I say--I have "premonitions"?? There are a couple of ther reasons I worry about San Diego being nuked--too tired to go into it. But if certain rogue factions wanted to make sure the Mexico-US border was closed, setting off a suitcase nuke would be easy (and could they place it near a fault line, or have another space beam weapon setting it off?). I also fear that while security agencies have the technologies to track nuclear material from the air, I wonder if they can track it as it moves through the subterranean tunnels which are rife alon th border. Of course, that assumes that the security agencies actually have America's safety at heart--and that is not a given. I was able to finally start to read a backlog of posts, and I see that many visionaries are worried about the Gulf. I know that it already has been nuked but that the pipeline is fractured, and leaking at certain seams, and the crisis is ongoing and difficult, but I honestly don't feel the imminent sense of dread that some sensitives and intuitives are feeling. For some reason, I am more worried about ssan diego. At least today.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

more certain

more certain that my barely being able to function caused by psychotropics. nausea. migraines. lack of ability to be in reality or even read. important things happening but to sick to follow news. but i have determined that i am going to fight back to best of ability, just so hard whn i am os fucking sick.


FUCKING GODDAMNED JESUIT PIGS! I could spnd the rest of my life writing that over and over and ovr and it would never convey the vastness of my just rage at those fucking stupid 21st century inquisitors. This morning when I woke up, truly suicidal, I realized that once again the insane, idiotic instruments of Satan and torture have drugged me up with psychotropics in their neverending quest to turn me into a sick, warped puppet like themselves. For, no matter how bad i feel, I am never suicidal unless i am drugged. i also remember the "cold belly" i had all day yesterday--anther sure sign of psychotropics (in Dahn yoga, belly is center of bodily and emotional groundeedness. it is supposed to be warm or hot, when it is cold the bodily vitality is dead).then there was the irefutable proof of the weight scale--i was gaining weight, and i could feel it in my belly that once again iwas gaining inches--lithium. now i may be on risperol or some other psychotripic. all i know is that i feel so bad that i am barely able to move, and long for death. so why are these fucking goddamned stupidass heretical christians doing this once agian--because the variable has changed. with the alternative healing I am trying, they once again are trying to piggyback their jpoison, unnoticed, onto me. And it almost worked. I woke up feeling so bad and so genuinely suicidal this mrning that I was going to resolve to quit this alternative therapy for truly i am feeling like shit and death all wrapped in one. but i realize now it is not the alternative therapy making me feel so bad--it is the goddamned psychotropics. SO FUCKING GODDAMNED INFURIATING. EVERY MOVE I MAKE TOWARDS HEALTH AND HEALING, THOSE GODDAMNED JESUIT/OPUS DEI SNAKES MOVE IN TO SNEAK THEIR FUCKING POISON. so the real question becomes is it worht doing anythng, anything at all, as long as those goddamned pigs are in control of my life? every move i make is just an opportunity of for them to further destroy my health and vitality. thfey are without question the most evil force in my life, an i cannot escape them. so only alternative is death. Come Lord Jesus. take me home. free me from these spawn of satan in clerical collars.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

over 219 pounds

over 219 pounds abd still going up. nothing i can do about it. body getting to point of complete and utter wrothlessness. tried to do yoga today but i know i can no longer do yoga. i tried to hike a few yards (likke 40-50) up into mts and could barely get down and felt like i had spent all day climbing and was at end of a 12 k ascent instead of forty yards. so depressed and depressing . spent all day sleeping while back muscle spasmed and my spine fights off the goddamned alien poison virus that has destroyed my body and is in process of destroying my humanituy. rayelan, a lady on web who also has these same implants talked of severe pain with "interior shingles". That is exactly what i am suffering from--i call it nerve pain but it is affecting more and more of my body while i find it harder and harder to move. but big differnce between rayelan and myself. first of all she accepts the implants, while i have never consented but have been violated against my will from the very beginning--violated beyond belief. second, rayelan is a femmie kind of woman and i dont think that being bodily handicapped bothers her as much as it does me. she makes necklaces while she is in pain. gets a lot of enjoyment out of it. i would never enjoy anything like that. i enjoy working out to the point of physical exhaustion. i enjoy hikin in th emountains. the only sedentary activity i enjoy is reading, and i cant read like this. in severe pain, and feeling sorry for myself and my trapped, virus-raped, handicapped body. too sick to do anything except sleep.

Monday, June 21, 2010

so very sick

so very sick. trying to hang in with alt treatment. hoping its like homeopathy. but so very sick. nite is the worst time. already i ffell the hell beginning. icant havenaother nite like last nite. want so much to be well. just saw face in mirror severely swollen. i cant live with another nite of this kind of headach face swelling arms body so weak. may end up in emergency room tonite. too sick to contineu. will take fernergan to deale with migraine nause.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Finally slept last nite about 5:30 in mmorning

Finally slept last nite about 5:30 in mmorning but woke up with a very clear head and a good energy that I rarely experience. It was the healing. I felt stronger and more capable of thinking rationally than i have in a long time. BBut the feeling didnt last long. Soon the downloads began again, and while i have been able to get out and go for a short bike ride and do my laundry, still I am struggling to stay present to reality. I also am seriusulsy autistic right now. went to laundry and people were talking to me in Spanish but i could not understand or speak it. Verbal part of my brain was totally inaccessible, a frustrating feeling i experience more and more, now that the goddamned assholes have fried my once excellent, and fast firing brain. Nothing i can do about it. im lucky to be alive, or maybe not so lucky at all. not going to dwell on negatives. i dont feel as bad as i somethimes do--just the depression that comes with feeling like autistic shit after a morning of feeling almost human.

Brain rushes all nite

Brain rushes all nite--4:30 in the goddamned mornin. same brain rushes as on lithium. dont think its lithium but its something that got my entire nervous system jolting awak e every couple of minutes. am i drugged or is this just the result of the cranial therapy i am on? they say the back of my head is fucked up. i could have told them that. i hav been teeling them for years that the goddamned drugs (lithium, risperdol, and God knows what else how many times)did permeantent neurological damage. so depressed at realization that my brain is just a trampled field that everone just mucks around in. guess i have a choice--either the nazis invade my brain or the people who are doing it. i wlll never have privact of thought again. i just want to sleep. i just want the brain rushes to stop. already took tyleno. pm. now its on to vodka. worried about my body. accroding to the body workers treating me, my kikneys, liver and pancreas are very stressed. i dont want to take tylenol pm and vodaka, have no choice--otherwise i will never slep. feeling the rage once again, wanting to kick hit, anythierng to be reee of sons of bitches.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

After hell day preparing for hell nite

After hell day preparing for hell nite. nothing i cn do. Goddamned motherfuckers have got me so drugged up i can barely move. literally. severe nerve pain in legs arms and hands. grotesquly swollen face and "kash n karry" eyes (all pupil, no iris). figured out stupidass pigs want me to plug into the matrix and go travelling thru universe as hologram, running their goddamned dirty errands and channelling the goddamned demonic lies of the "prine of air." in meantime, suffering is extreme. head pain, nerve pain in legs hands. pelvic girdle is spasmin out again. nothing i can do aobut it. long for death, oblivion, drugs anything. just to be free of this goddamned psychotic hell.

excruciating pain

excruciating pain last nite, go out of my mind try to deal with pain. today just dsyfucntional. hysterical laughter. too sick to even drive to farmacy to pick up meds. robaxin for muscle spam. it is excess fluid that hurts so bad today pressur on all joints even hands are so fluid filled not only arthritic but literal pain form excess fluid on iplants. im supposed to go to physical therapist tomorrow. dont know if ill be able to make it. dont know how i will make it thru today. wish iwere knocked out dead, not feeling the horrible hell that is body and alienated psychotic mind.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

another wasted day of my worthless life

another wasted day of my worthless life--2 sick to do anything. cant open eyes. cant do phscial exercise cant read cant think. im just a fucking precog keept in a pool of imprisonment while the goddamned monitors wait for oracles to come thur. i am a human being goddamni t. i want to enjoy simple pleasures of life freeom and autonomy. i am sick ot this goddamned morgellons and implants causing this blasted, alienated psychosis. iam sick of a body that deteroiorates more and more to the point of chronic pain. iam sick of the goddamned, unatural, neverending loneliness of enforced, ungifted celibacy. iam sick of having an add mind that cannot read ororganize thoughts. iam sick sick sick sick of it. my fucked up life ant worthliving, goddamned it. nwo i got to try to sleep with head so heavy icant hold it up.

Monday, June 14, 2010

First day back not much of one

First day back not much of one--implant downloads are heavy making me want to shake head violently, lay down with eyes shut. so desperate to work out. havent worked out in so long. las t time i did youga couldnt finish. want to try tomorrow but im so weak that i can barely walk from store to car, worse part is the head. so heavy so unable to focus, thin k, read or pray. fat lips curling under as all the swelling balloons and drags down my face. have commonsense. no one can feel healthy or whole or right with this kind of fluid pressure on head or facew. and they wonder why i am pissed off and angry all the time when i am in this ersatz, fake, wanna be contemplative state so the psychops can all access my thoughts. but not real thoughts, ideas. worst tyranny of all is thought control. worst suffering is the kind of autistic migraines im suffering from so some mind reader can access a brain that cant think clearly

Nazis riding high again?

Nazis riding high again? I had a dream last night that makes me wonder if the Nazis have got their technology in South merica up and running again. If so, that would explain the massive migraine headaches, severely swollen face and heaviness/weakness I am feeling in my limbs and head(I recognize the heaviness and dizziness of my head from the previous time when the Nazis were up and running). Nothing I can do about it except pray. In the meantime I have got to get up and function as best i can with this massive headache. Preparing things in head. Then there is the ongoing "guts problem". I am not eliminating correctly, but rather shitting tiny little strands of turd at a time, every time after I eat, about 5 or 6 times a day. The stool consistency is the same as that Iget every time when I have migraines. Im tired. tiered. tired.

Home but most definitely not sweet.

Home but most definitely not sweet. Cab driver thought something was amiss--why would a middleaged woman be taking a cab? After he realized it was legit, he asked,"lived in ABQ long?" thinking that ws why i had no one to pick me up. what was i to say--"no I have fucking morons playing head games with my life, keeping me lonely and isolated and drugged until i do what they want." Stifll it is better to be autistic and miserable at home than on the road. The last two days have bee sheer hellas I have suffered with excess fluid in head, migraines, and autism. But it is so scary when that shit happens in an uncontrolled enviromnemtn. thought i was aoging to go crazy in Chicago. bellevue that is where they would have taken me. Now I am just really sick .. head is so heavy and i cant bear any stimuli. so tired of suffering. got that weird indigestion in esophagus. could barely walk out of airport terminal so weak. i want my body back. i want my health back. i want to be able to type without getting so weak i have to quit. im tired of this goddamned alienated schizoid stat e that these fucking drugs put in me. i want to be grounded again. instead i have a hell nite coming up and ogto things to do toorrow. tired.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Continuing deterioration

Continuing deterioration most evident as I finish up a three day trip to nephew's wedding. Sick as a dog right now, in severe back pain as I sit here in muscle spasm, but most regretable of all is the inescapable fact that these stupidass fucking pigs that run my life will not let me live a free and healthy life, but insist on hadicapping me with the implants. They do it on purpose. Yesterday the download started as soon as I reached the place of the wedding service. I literally could not walk, my ankle muscles were spasming so bad, but it was nowhere as near as bad as the autism, semi-psychosis and migraine caused by the the implants. My face swelled up so bad that my lips turned inward so that i was biting them. So on a day of wedding with everyone having a good tim i go sit under a tree and then in car with eyes shut. I wanted to get out and go the trees i could seejust a couple of hundred yardds away, but i coulnt even walk.Saw sonene i knew, and my head wanted to be able to talk, catch up, but i was too goddamned sick to relate to anyone. I know the PTB do it on purpose--thier point is to discredit me so if I talk to people about what is going on, they can always point to days like today and claim that I am crazy. I am holding on to snaity but just barely. recognize that slowly i am losing my mind (which is their objective), that im not rememering things, not able to talk, not able to relate easily. worst of all there is nothing i can do about it. I try to preserve self, sanity and freedom but i get practically no support form anyone.saw my cousin who used to work for nasa, and he is living the fine, superficial life. i suspect that the he has sold out along the way (guy never stood for nothing. even when he hated the sandinistas, it was vecause hed didnt want ot fight. but he wanted Americans to go fight his fight for him!) I have to fight the good fight. i know freedom isnt free, but i am so tired fo feeling like shit all the time. My back hurts so bad from the all the muscle spsms wracking it. Now i have to get on a flight and figure out which insecure Black men are going to play mind games with me on my return flight home, while they gage how "racist" i am. So frustrating, everything I have done and all the alienation i have experienced by holding on to principles against racism, but no one wnats to talk to me, no one wants to relate to me, work with meor ask--they get in my hea without permission ansd try to read a mind that is very different and much freer than theirs. I wish i could writed about it further but i am too sick to maintain concentration but i am sick and goddamned tired of Black men playing games with me. But what is the point? Everyone is playing games with me, except my brother and his wife at whose home i am--they literally believe that I am crazy. Going to be a long day. I'm sick, tired and in pain. I hope that the goddamned pricks leave me alone on return journey..

Thursday, June 10, 2010

No more trips

No more trips--suffering after anothr hell nite of muscle spasms and th blasted, alienated psychotic mind. Woke up thish morning with a severe migraine, and spasmed muscles so bad tha i can barely walk. tired of ita all. dont want togo anywhere. want to alsy down with a towel round head. so tired of all this. maybe they do it so my family will think im schizoid. dont know. only know hat this is going to be another difficult hell day. glasd i set up a pickup. im too sick to even walk the one half block to catch the bus to take to airport. signing off for today. God help me get thru this day. another interesting wrinkle in my bodys decline. yesterday when the tech went to draw a routine blood sample, she couldnt find a vein!!! Ive always had good veins (yep, even been told that before by phlebotomists). she finally drew the blood and tho the needle prick didnt hurt. today my inner elbow is so sore it hurts to hold cup of coffee to lips. Sore all over. i wish this day were already over.

3:30 in the morning

3:30 in the morning before i am supposed to fly to wv and im in sever muscle spams and pain, and in the blated psychotic mine. no way i cn get on an airplane in this kind of pain and sspasm. maybe i am just not meant to go. have taken six benadryl, 4 ibuprofin, robaxin, and 2 tylenol pm, an i am wide awake in pain and psychotic blasted state. how many more pills can i tkae beofe i do damage to liver. i have o sleept. or else cancel the trip. right noe cancelling seems the best. throat so dry. muscle body wracked. here hell is breaking loose in louisiana. good. i hope somewhere free (that means not me) people are fighting back against the nazis. do it, people or you will end up like me, a tortured, chemically castrated and suffering slave.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Yanked again from one drug to another

Yanked again from one drug to another---these stupid, insane religious nuts never let go. Woke up feeling like shit. Although it is not what i was on yesterday, it is severely debilitating none the less. same old migraine. went to open windows to let in sun for plansts because i know ther will go three days without sun but i could not stand the light. even now, it feels best to type with eyes shut. i am once again constipate--that means once again my thyrodi meds have been pulled. What is the definiton of insanity--"to keep doing the same things overand over again, thingking you will get a different result" YOU FUCKING PRICKS. YOU ARE INSANE!! and I am the poor victim of your psychopathic insanity. i desperately need a yoga class so that i can stretch out before a 4 hr (in air) plane trip, but i am too sick to do any kind of yoga. I havent "worked out" at the gym in over a month--body too fucked up to do it. i barely do a yoga class a week. really wanted to do it today but i am too sick. (today last chance to do it with an instructor i know). when will these goddamned jesuti opus dei inquisitors release my body and brain from the chemical torture? this has been going on for years. my life is not worth living.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Am i on lithium again?

Am i on lithium again? GODDAMNED FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES. STUPIDASS WORTHLESS PIESCE OF SHIT, GO TO FUCKING HELL AND DIE YOU SATANIC SPAYWN JESUIT OPUS DIE PSYCHS. I think i may be on lithium because when i am on llithium i lose ALL appetite, and i have lost all appetite. I dont mean, i m not hungry, i mean i have lost all appetite. i also am having hard time drinking water. even tho i try to force myself. and im barely peeing. normally with all the downloads i pee like a racehorse, now i barely pee at all. not good. body is not healthy at all. stupidass pigs even tried to get in my dreams a coupl nites ago, telling me i was losing wight. youfucking sorry ass sons of bitches. im not fooled one bit. i know when you sorry ass bpieces of shit are in my head. get out. stay out. leave me the fuck alone. im also suffering severe mood swings from tears to rage. mostly is just feel like shit.

My God, when does this suffering end?

My God, when does this suffering end? i cant keep on much longer. so goddamned sick can barely move. Migraines, nausea all day. severe migraine, not in pain but in result. severe motion sickness. dangerous for me to drive. not seeing reality right. can barely walk. have no energy. no energy. feel like i did after hospital stay barely able to physically walk. too sick to read. too sick to clean house. try to get things done but too fucking sick. arms hurting typing this. arms too weak to type. body too weak to sit down on tioilet seat. want to shake but body has no energy to shake. any knind of mental work out of question. too sick to read understand apply anything. this life, aint worth living. end it god, end it or i woilwill do it. sick of sufferingall time. body hurts, need diesperately to do yoga but have zero energy for even stretching yoga. body cant hold any position whatsoever. sicck of this goddamned wasted life. sick of it god. endit. end it end it. no one should have to suffer the misery i have suffered . no one. i would rather the world end in fire fforever than have another living osould go thru the hell that is my life.

Hell has new meaning--

Hell has new meaning--now in addition to never ending pain, suffering, sickness, and torment, I am suffering from serious overheating. I have had heat exhaustion/stroke before and know what it is. I have suffered from it the last two days. The stupid goddamened alien implants destroying my God-given DNA to "put their tag on me" so they can get their ET rocks off, is superheating the body and i cannot stay cool, even though i lay in front of my very mediocre and weak swamp cooler without moving. It is so bad that somethimes i cant even drink water. I bought a bag of ice so i can suck on ice chips when that happens, or i suck on a popsicle to try to cool myself down in order to drink water. I dont like the heat. I prefer cooler temperatures, but I have lived in ABQ for nearly 10 years, and in this little house with its ancient swamp cooler, for four years, and I have never suffered from the heat the way that I am now. As a matter of fact, I have rarely turned on the cooler at all, but now, my internal heat is so high, that I can feel heat emanating from my head. Then on top of that I am so low energy and nauseas that I can barely move. I want to leave a clean house for my trip, but now I am so sick that I don't know if i can make it. Jeff (my brther) will be so disappointed if i don't go, but i am dreading it. I am so sick i just want to lay down at all times with eyes closed. My feet are so sore and painful from the implants that I can hardly walk. Yet I will have to make it to a connecting flight in Chicago in under a 45 minute layover, and I have scary teenage memories of O'Hare airport--a humongous, overwhelming maze in which I got lost more than once. But when I was a teenager, I could WALK, better yet, I could run, and I had a spring in my step that got me where i needed to go. On time. But that, still, is looking ahead. I still HAVE to do laundry and go to the bank, and buy shoes and a gift, and I have no enrergy to even move. On top of all that I am suffering from back pain again. I was worked on by a healer who has worked on me before. She is very effective in a subtle way, and she did work my body around. but now it is all jacked again. Not only the back, but my right leg and hip are wrenched out of socket again, and I am truly in a lot of pain, but there is nothing i can do about it. the godamned downloads. spasm evry muscle i have, and leave me in constant pain. UI havent been following the news--every time I open to a MSM browser window, I hold my breath to see if the world is at war yet (Israel/Middle East problem), but I am too sick to follow the in depth and real news I get from the "conspiracy" sites. (I have to be mentally energetic and healthy enough to sift out the "tares from the wheat" on those sites, and make the connections myself and I am too sick to do that now. And what is Hillary doing in SA? Too sick to figure it out. When I am this sick all i can do is pray. I pray that i can get up and do what it is i got to do.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

From bad to worse

Fr0m bad to worse --yesterday spent shopping. gratefully had energy for first part of day. but still didnt get all shopping done. hard to shop for shoes when you can barely bend over becdause back is locked up ad you are nearly 100 pounds overweight, thanx to psychotropic drugs forced on you. i ran out of gs. started getting very sick. realized i lost all ability to interact with people, enthusiasm for shopping, could barely walk. feet were so swollen and painful with the implants . got home and realized how sick i was no appetite to eat even tho i hadnt eaten in over 8 hours. brother called didnt want to tal to him, though he as all happy to talk. went to bed immediately feleling like shit, dint brush teethe, or change clothes. woke up completely fucked up. i still have to shop. no shopping is going to get done today. im not going to be able to move, cant even keep eyes open. cant do youga. which is too bad because i woke up with SEVERE cramps in my legs. think the implants really fucking up legs. so goddamne hot but im not going to be able to do anything. so fucking nauseated.

Friday, June 4, 2010


Suffering--never ending suffering as I struggle to function with thee goddmned drugs in y body. Sick to the point of not being able to bear it. full of rage at the STUPIDASS FUCKING GODDMANE ASS PIG CHRISTIANS WHO I BLIieve are responsible formy suffering. SAME OLD SHIT. wont take NO for an answer. iam not interested. you make me sick. literally and figurzatively. my visiona of faith and spirit is much different than yoursso STOP THE GODDAMNED SHIT. And dont send any more jehovahs witnesses to my door. NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR FUCKED UP PATRIARCHAL VRISOION OF CHRISTIANITY. I am interested in conncecting with people of SPIRIT, not mind-controlled religion. This is going to be a hell week for me as i struggle to function with theise goddamned jesuit opus deil demon from hell piece of shit wannabe so called "christioans" drugging me up on psychotropic.s. have to do all kinds of shit and i can barely fucntion. got to go to a wedding where no doubt everyone will try to convicne me how sick i am . all i wanna do is lay on floor with towel wrappd aruound mi head, suffering in pain, nausea and muscular misery, longing for the days when I felt loved and supported (guess what, you fucing assholdes, BY A LESBIAN!!). Thank God i have had a feeling fo being loved otherewise i would have nothing to hope for. i dont know how the fuck i am going to make it thru this week . already overewhelmed and it has bearely started.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

unimaginabld apain and torment

unimaginabld apain and torment, fycjub acyoybctyre was bitgubg byt a byt okyg fir tgese giddnabed bazus ti raoe ne wutg a nibster suzed cgenucak bvuicgenucak dukdi, bidt cabt gabdke tgese soas,ns, tgat us wt bidt us si kicje dyo, tirtyre, tii tirttyred ti exoress ut, nist girrubke gekk feekubg ibe eatg m jbiwubg bidt us beubg desxgtrited cab di bitgub, body being destoryed can do nothing. cant even sleep in bed. broken. have neighbor who will fix it but room has to be cleaned. needless to dsay, can do nothin.except pray for death to end theis misery. kil me god, please kill me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Jerked around from one psychotic state to another

Jerked around from one psychotic state to another--another wasted day of my life as I tried to to accomodate extreme mood swings of rage and tears, tried to accomplish some routine tasks, and went to test at some facility where I was so drugged it's a miracle I didn't crash my truck while driving. As it were, the drugging made me so psychotic that I failed the visual perception part of my test. Even drugged, I can pass a verbal test, but the drugs completely skew and disorient my ability to process images. I suffer from motion sickness and severe nausea (and diarrhea, and cannot even watch TV as I aget sick watching people move. But it also disturbs my ability to process static images. I could not hold an image template in my head and could not concentrate at all on finding the image in a screen. Instead, everything blossomed out like a rorschat test. Very weird. Too bad. I would have been eligible for benefits with a part time job, and realistically that is what I am looking for. But I can't spend time on that. I have got too much going on. I have to get some acupuncture, fix my truck, clean house, and buy a gift for my nephew and his bride to be. All of these things are high energy items for me, but after a day like today I am not sure I will be able to to complete the tasks. Furthermore, I am scared to drive a rental (strange) car while I am so drugged. O well, at least tonight I am a little clearer. Thank God

Yanked from one psychotic drug to another

Yanked from one psychotic drug to another--now i am on th one that makes me laugh hysterically. also ills me with increcidble mood swings, and especially rage. fixed my dvd player. smashing my fist on it. i wanted ththrow it against wall but figured it might be salvageble. so i pounded te hell out of it. works now. better than me. brain so fucked up not in realit. wanting to go off. i am supposed to take a three hour test today ofra a job. dont think that is going to happen. too fucked up to doanythin except lay down pray for death. hate my life, my body my self. cant stand to see face in mirror. keep fatntasizing aobut death. my life aint worth liveng. mustnt forget migraines and nausea. too sick to do yoga, too sick to live life. too sick to do anything but wish for death