Sunday, May 31, 2009

Up and down

Up and down--not mood swings, but indicators of how much pressure is on my brain stem. I realize now that the last four years and continuing now, I have been living with a defacto brain stem tumor, and believe me, it really impaccts you on every level. I should try to write when I feel healthy but when I felel healthy I want to do other things. Don't feel healthy right now. Eyes want to shut. I dont understan d why I have to live thru this miserable hell all the time. too sick to argue. Bedtime.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Massive amts of csf in head

Massive amts of csf in head and body--my ankles are monstrously swollen, my face is pouched out and red with the fluid that can't drain, and even my finger joints hurt with arthritis--all caused by the excess csf. The mind is functioning, though normally it wouldn't be at this level of excess fluid on my body and brain, but it is definitely impacted. Worse of all is the ADD--as hard as I try I can't concentrate to complete simple tasks like reading a few pages. Then today I noticed that I couldn't spell, because talking to the landlady switched off my brain. Normally I would be able to multitask while talking, tho not as well as others, but I think my brain is much more autistic than it has been since I was a teenager. This is not a good thing. Autism is a handicap--one that I struggled for years to discipline and overcome, and now it is back full force, and there is nothing I can do about it.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Struggling to persevere in health

Struggling to persevere in health with this new body work program I am doing that involves shaking the body (like the Shakers used to do). It looks stupid but I gotta say that it works. I am working out on my own hypothesis of why that is, but I am not ready to lay it out. I will just say that I am glad that sometimes I feel more alive, more like myself than others. Earlier today, I could even walk like a normal person, striding long and happy, for a brief while. Of course I came back in my house, sat in my electromagnetized chair and went to get up could barely walk, once more. Still, I have to say that it felt so good, even if just for a brief moment, to walk like a human being again. My legs are feeling very neuropathic again. I think I know why. I think the stupid fuckers who drug me up are preparing for another lithium or whatever psychotropic drug run--always hoping that trying it in another combination will work the magic trick so that I become the great saint that they see me as. No matter the source of their false projections and hopes for me, no amount of drugs will ever align me to their falsely repressive religion. But I can never express myself otherwise, in either writing or relationships, because the drugs always drug me down. Right now, the mind is pretty good, even though the body is all messed up with neuropathic legs and bloated belly (prostoglandins). Who knows what the damned Opus Dei zealots and their stupid sheeple have planned for me next?

Limp as a rag

Limp as a rag. I feel like a kitten grabbed by a mongrel's mouth and shaken to an inch of my life before release. But at least its normal--it is the post migraine feeling. Then of course, there are ghe goddamned drugs which make the post-migraine malaise even more difficult. As I write, my eyes close. That tells me that I am full of the psychotropic drugs that shut down my body's ability to be in perceptual reality --pretty normal for me--I wake up nearly every morning like that. All I can do is pray to God to release me from captors. I have suffered from this drug hell for four years now. But I can't lay around feeling sorry for myself. Yesterday was supposed to be laundry day, and clean out the garbage bin day. House is a mess, and I have to try to get at least a lil bit of a handle on it. Just got to take it slow. Not in good shape. Unlike yesterday, which was a nonfucntional day, I am functional, but barely. I will have to tkae it slow.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Fucking pieces of shit

Fucking pieces of shit got me on lithium again. i can tell cuz when i aon lithium, i cant watch sports--no emotions for my team. I GOT EMOTIONS U MOTHERFUCKERS--i wanna kill the son of a tich who put me on this shit that has me so fucking sick i cant even fucking walk. i realize now it started uesterday. was gonna fwrite bout it but i was too goddamned sick. uesterday driving to gym so different from driving from the gym. too sick to make sense of it. knew something was wrong when i did yogzaa--too goddamned tired to do anything. that is what is causing abrain rushes goddamned lithium. How much fucking weight am i gonna gain this time befgore the fuckers finally release me from this goddamned poison and torture. WATERBOARD ME goddamned it . f I want to be waterboarded and get this shit over with in seconds instead of suffering this shit nonstop for fucking dauys on fucking end.

Dreamed last night that someone wanted to feed me rotten grapefruti. whenever i am drugged, i always dream of rotten food, dilapidated hourses, and cockroaches,. another sure sign i am drugged--dreaming of rotten food

After a truly hellish night

After a truly hellish night of brain pain and muscle spasms I have spent all day in bed with sick migraine. I cannot bear stimuli of any type. eyes want to stayt shut. i know now what is going on but am too sick to think it out and write it out. i am too autistic--brain stem is compromised by all excess csf in head. Question is it is better to stay in bed or try to fight it? Supposed to go to that korean cult yoga class that teaches me how to clear brain stem, but i am too sick to do anyt of the prep work. i would have to drive when i can barely see/l

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Going out of my ind

Going out of my ind with pain and bbrain rushes. hoped that maybe improvement would be here. what a fool i was. implants going off in brain. I guess Gen boldin has been breefed, and torture has recommenced. too sick to go any further. got to stop pain. need to get more alcohol. terrible severe brain rushes in nuerological corodination with every nervouws system in body. i guess this is alien diplomacy, courtes of obama

Sunday, May 24, 2009

2:15 in the morning

2:15 in the morning and cant sleep because of the pain. Didnt want to take any more tylenol pm after a body worker told me my liver acupoint was severely stressed and congested. I figured it because I know as many tylenol im taking with 100proof vodka to try to get to sleep at nite cant make my liver too happy. but what is happy? Despite my best efforts at exercise and stretching my muscles are locking so much that soon i am going to be bent like an old woman and my stiff knees are going to be walking like rain man. These fuckers wont get it--I have an autistic brain and they are causing me to become more and more autistic whicyh is not a good thing to be. Then I look at my face and see the swollen lymph nodes and sinus cavities from all the pain and pressure of excess csf in my face and I understand why my very facial structure and dental bite is changing--and not for the better. Worse of all are the brain rushes--something going on neurologically--i remembver a symdrom aabout this but dont know it off the top of head. But it starts as a brain rush in the brain and causes my entire neurological system to spasm, so that my solar plexus literally jerks and my shoulders literally jerks and my legs literally jerks, and it is like receiving a torturous electrical shock keeping me awake to feel this never ending goddamned PAIN.

Friday, May 22, 2009

"I miss my life"

"I miss my life"--I couldn't bear to watch Farah Fawcett's self-eulogizing documentary. It is too similar to my own life. Instead of cancer, I constantly fight the pain and suffering caused by the psychotropic drugs and implants. Right now, my head hurts so bad, I just want to explode it so I don't have to feel any more. Im so goddamned nauseated and sick with whatever the fuck I am force fed that even bed becomes a hateful misery. It is another holiday weekend, and again I am alone and suffering, struggling to find small victories from the constant pain and misery. I have to find something to keep me going through this never ending suffering. I know that evil at the highest level is trying to coerce me to conform to their plan for a hostile takeover of humanity. I have to resist. I just wish I could have one person hold me, love me, or try to make this goddamned headache go away....just for a while. But there is no one or nothing, at least tangibly. Send me someone God to help me. This suffering is too overwhelming. I am like Elijah in the desert, remonstrating with God to let him lay under a tree in the desert and die, "I am attacked, and the only one left because I am zealous for the Lord my God." An angel came and fed him to strengthen him. I could use an angel God, at least give me some strength to carry on when life is so hateful and miserable.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

210 pounds

210 pounds after the latest psychotropic suffering. These people just don't get it. No amount of chemical torture will ever coerce me to cooperate with their RNA/DNA conversion agenda, nor will I ever be a conscious and willing channel for the alien interests, which I find more and more scary with each passing day. But I don't have time to think on that. I continue to struggle with the pain of each day and nite. Reight now, my legs are neuropathic and it hurts to just stand. My left shin is so swollen that its painful to touch--I think white blood cells are fighting the implant there. Every day I look at the flesh that the implants are eating away of my body and worry that my joints are being seriously weakened. My back hasn't been this bad and stiff for years. I don't know how much of it is being thrown out of my yoga routine, and how much of it is the extra belly weight I am putting on, and how much of it is just the body losing the battle to torture. I can't do in yoga class what I did a year ago, and I certainly can't do what I did four years ago before this chemical hell began. My body is under constant and painful attack and spasming. No human being was meant to live this way. My poor body. There is nothing I can do to stop the torture.

...Just took off my long pants and socks. I have the familiar 1/2 inch seams running down my legs, but most distressing is how swollen my ankles are. They are swelling in places they have never swelled before. I would go to the ER if I had somebody to take me. I am especially worried about this left ankle which is so tender and white. I don't want to lose a foot over an infection...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Nonfuntional, psychotropic drugs make it impossilbe to read or even watch tv. cant stand to see moving images. risperdol, maybe . my sinuses are all messed up like risperdol, but my stomach is very bloated and gassy. too sick to do anything but lay in bed and pray. God please let this end.

Severely depressed

Severely depressed as a result of motherfucking drugs. Fidn it difficult to keep eyes open. Struggling to find meaning in the hell that is my life. Let me go. I want to be a human being again. stupid ass christians behind this latest slave drugging. they just dont get it. got to find something to give my hellish life meaning.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Fucked up on drugs again

Fucked up on drugs again--nauseated, migraine, can barely see with whatever fucking psychotropic the goddamned church people are flooding me with now. Obviously the stupid patriarchal Christians misunderstood my spiritual excrursion last nite. They still think I am one of them. WRONG. We may share some agendas and values, but I have left your fold forever. People of faith and deep spirit are my peers; that leaves out most Christians, and especially the ones who put their clinging expectations and goddamned drugs in me. I know that I am being deceived and manipulated by wolves in sheep clothing. I am just unable to do anything about it. Nor can I find real community and support and intimacy. So for right now, more of the same old shit that has gone on for nearly a dozen years--ghoddamned christians who I despise are abusing me for their own immoral agenda. One day I will be free. Not today. Nor tomorrow. God help me survive. I can't stanmd it. I am so sick of being used and drugged. These patriarchal fuckers just dont get it. They never will. That is why I want nothing to do with them. God help me persevere.

Rejoicing in my slavery

Rejoicing in my slavery--not because I like being a slave but because there is no way that I can escape it. Yet still I am free--free enough to exercise my freedom of will that says "no way will I EVER cooperate with the evil scum that wants to destroy this Earth, and have sold out their own people to do so." So all you Earth traitors are going to have to find some other patsy to induce schizophrenia in, so that they will channel the satanic new age shit of your alien allies. As for me, I remain sick as a dog on whatever psychotropic drug I am currently force fed (and I think there is an added element because I am suffering from severe nausea), but I remain steadfast in my committment. If I am so sick that all i can do is lay in bed, then my bed will become an altar of steady prayers for the good, and prayer for destruction of evil. As long as I can walk, I am going to be me, rejoicing in my goodness and the goodness of God, and the freedom of will that enables me to say FUCK YOU. I can imagine my captors dismay at my "manic depression" and hysteria". No you stupid fuckers, it is just me, exulting in my God-given freedom. No matter what you do to me, every ounce of my being is focused against you, and for the forces of good and God.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Deep spiritual matters are afoot

Deep spiritual matters are afoot--I can feel it, but I can do absolutely nothing about it, except pray. Pray. pray. pray. I have been sidelined by an incredible increase in the implant activity which causes the severe migraines and messed up brain. GThank God I got home safe, because I was too drugged to drive, but I made it from the NE Heights. But I know something is going on. I can feel it. So as sick as I am, I am going to pray psalms and in tongues all night long to support the forces of good wherever they are, as they congregate to take whatever action is available to them. God help us all.

2:30 in the morning and I am suffering from

2:30 in the morning and I am suffering from the brain rushes that jerk my entire body awake every time I go to drift off to sleep. Doesn't this qualify as sleeplessness and torture, you fucking evil pricks that run our country....Nothing for it but lots of alcohol and tylenol pm. I know it is hell on my liver but at this point I have nothing to live for anyway, but to be a stoolie slave of the most gripping of evil so I look forward to death anyway. My body is not mine; let me slough it off and go back to the Creator. I'm understanding more and more the evil agenda that is gripping and guiding this world, and with each new revelation and understanding I scream hell no, death yes. My contempt for the luciferian occultists (including the governor of the state I currently reside in) knows no bounds. I only live to look for a way that others, hopefully not sold out by people they trust, can evade the hell that has befallen me at the hands of the Great Satan.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Back spasming

Back spasming badly as one drug was removed but the other intensified. Going ot have to lay down. Soon I will find it difficult to breathe because all back and rible muscles r spasming.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Drugs making me severely autistic

Drugs making me severely autistic--cant stand any kind of stimul. have to keep eyes shut or focused in small areas. too much stimuli to process. cant read---surreal. words are. They have no meaning--because meaning is given by emotions and I feel no emotions except anger a t the stupid fuckers who are destroying me. Going to go back to bed. dayd reaming only thing that gives me peace--i wonder if i am on risperdol--that is only thing i can do when on risperdol--go into fantasy world try to escape physical pain of my spasmed muscles. muscles spasming. too gooddamned sick to do anything about. it.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Didnt take long

Didnt take long for psychotropic torture to begin again. Severe muscle spasms caused by the fuckers drugging me. cannot stand up straight. hurts to walk. back and body so sore. cant hold head up. severe migraine. head tend entire head. eyes dont wnat to open. fucking assholes. now that O has had his fun in nm, i guess the torturers have picked up thier instruments once more. stomach all bloated. couldnt be mopre misterable.

There's a dent in my cranium

There's a dent in my cranium, where one of the brain implants are. It feels similar to the dents I see in my ankles, knees, and elbows--where the implants are. I am not positive but I believe the implants are destroying live, organic tissue. So the question becomes of course, "are the implants destroying live brain tissue and neurons?" Maybe I will end up with brain cancer soon. As for now, I am trying to survive what I recognize as an an intense, negative psy-ops assault. It has been going on for the last three days or so. Proximity is key. They are taking advantage of a neighbor's expedient absence--an absence that I inadvertently and indirectly made possible. They are utilizing emf' to totally disrupt my brain and sleep (I don't sleep without popping otc sleep pills). For the last two days I have gone to sleep at five in the morning. On top of this misery, I am suffering from severe back spasms and pain. I am trying to get through my morning internet reading, but the pain is so bad that it is becoming laborious to breathe, and very soon I am going to have to lay down on a heating pad. Meanwhile, I try to understand the most recent political fallout--how does it affect me? Well, as long as I am suffering from abuse, it doesn't matter which faction is responsible. Suffering I am.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

More bad news for me

More bad news for me--the intensity of the lithium trauma done to my brain and face (caused by extreme swelling as the lymph nodes desperately tried to drain the overwhelming excess of csf) has caused facial structural changes. I couldn't figure out why in the last week I kept biting the sides of my tongue. Then today I realized that my teenage, pre-braces and surgery overbite had returned. Gee, nice to know that I have not only spent the last four years suffering torturous agony to satisfy sadistic govt psych bastards and opus dei religious nuts, but they also have undone and nullified all the suffering I endured as a teenager with that facial surgery. In addition, I am finding it difficult to breathe only through my nose, and want to breathe, as I did as a child, through my mouth. I even want to keep my mouth slightly open as I did as a pre-braces and surgery youngster-that is how I prevent myself from biting my tongue, but it's not healthy nor normal. But then neither is spending four years in torturous agony being drugged against my will while stupid asses try to destroy my mind, body, will, and spirit (and to some degree they have succeeded). Finally, I have noticed that these facial structural changes have also made a major difference in my bite. My mouth is closing. So far I have no TMJ pain but I fear that is next. Despite my overwhelming need for dental treatment , I havent been to a dentist in 5 or 6 years. Thanks to the goddamned torture brigade I can't get employment insurance or enough money to go. For the last four years, I have been fighting for my very physical existence too much to worry about my teeth. I do worry about these structural changes though--what caused it? Are the goddamned implants in my brain pushing pressure against my facial structure and muscles? Is my neck wrenched from the trauma caused by the pain I endured these last two weeks? For make no mistake--"level 10" does not even begin to describe the agony of what went on in my brain for the last two weeks, as I desperately tried to escape the pressure and pain. Did it force itself forward, altering my very face and visage? Who knows? All I know for sure is that I have yet another long lasting health problem and defect caused by my torturers. Veery depressing. Even my own face is mutilated by these fucking bastards. Keep your goddamned implants and RNA/DNA changes. I am a daughter of Eve, a human of the Earth, and I want nothing to do with you and your kind except to see the Second Coming of Christand the Archangel Michael to put you back in hell where you belong.

I am in too much pain to sleep

I am in too much pain to sleep. The goddamned Sirians/Agartians have gone the screws on tight, and my muscles are all in spasm over whatever hell is being done to my body. I am getting more and more clear on what is going on, but I cannot stop the pain. Went to yoga today, and boy is my body messed up. Every single muscle is blocked, and in pain. At least my mind is clear, at least for right now. The latest forcefed influx of lithium caused me to gain two pounds--not bad for 11 days of the goddamned shit. I think I am being given mirapex as well, which prevented the typical lithium scenario-- literally a pound a day. Even so, two pounds for me, at 208 pounds, is huge. Already I cannot fit into my clothes. I am washing the new 2x shirts I bought by hand because I am afraid the washer dryer will shrink them, and I cannot find any clothes any larger without going to some kind of specialty shop. I was reading old medical reports of when I was at 175 (I was at 160 when all this goddamned drugging shit started). It seems so long ago. When I was a human being, and not some goddamned RNA experiment for luciferian aliens, an anti-Christ pope, and corrupted, morally bankrupt politicians.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Lithium over thank God

Lithium over thank God. I am still drugged but after the sheer hell of the last 11 days, it is relief. At least my eyes can open without pain. Unfortunately, the drugs have left my back in severe spasms which is real bad news for me as I no longer have a reliable yoga outlet. I wonder if I can set aside my deep unhappiness and frustration with my current gym to go to a yoga class today. I should. I already paid my membership in full, although I know that I will barely use it this month. Very soon I need to start shopping for another gym, and start the laborious process of trying out different yoga classes, but not today. My number one priority is cleaning my house. I am so sick of going into the kitchen and seeing dirty dishes. So, no matter how much I am dragging, I have to clean the kitchen. Tomorrow, I may not be able to drag myself out of bed. Slow, steady strain.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Recognize lithium poisoning

Recognize lithium poisoning--cant open eyes--physically hurts to move muscles. all muscles are locked up and becoming catatonically rigid. headache from too much csf. loss of memory. swollen face. to top it all off, the weird brain rushes that jerk me awake and the neurological muscle spasms involuntary. my brain is under traumatic assault. i can only hope the permanent damage not to bad. will try to sleep with the body jerking awake, and the brain having the brain rushes. not going to be a good nite.

philosophy aside.

philosophy aside. havve to figuer how to live with this relentless pain and migraine. migrainea now for eleven days. head hurts so bad. eyes wont open. will take a fiornal cant live with pain. i guess the evil sharks smell blood so they will try to break my mind thru pain. they can suceed, wont succeed in breaking spirit. i will never cooperate with tthe pigs running the show. face hurts. i see sufferin glines on my face deepening. cant stop it too much suffering. too much pain. dont know when it will be over. i pray for death. i am ready to end this fucked up life God, please take me. my life hasnt been human for years now. i want to go.

Figured out what the fuckers are doing to me

Figured out what the fuckers are doing to me--realized some time ago that all the torture I have experienced was directed at breaking down my mind into a schizophrenic split so that I can be one of their other sad sob stories of humanity whose life and mind they have destroyed, and channel their alien, extraterrestial propaganda, as filtered through by truly evil people--the Rockefellers at the top of the list, but not alone. So, should I break down and go schizophrenic, who should I be more like? That poor woman who channels the lies of the NWO/Obama camp or Sherry Shriner who fights against the evil with every means at her disposal? I understand now why these fuckers kept saying I was schizophrenic--even though I am not--they knew that they had put the split in my mind which they could then manipulate with extreme unrelenting pain, psychotropic drugs, and alien technology so that I would become schizophrenic. Once again, evil created a future against the free will of the individual, and even though I am not schizophrenic, I realize my mind cannot hold out much longer. They have indeed created me a schizoid, even if it is taking years to reach fruition, and they are in uncontainable glee because now their their mind control puppet is moving all of humanity towards slavery, and future is being realized all the time. I can't forget George Soros, saying of our economic destruction, "This is the culmination of my life's work." I wonder who is gloating over my destruction. I may be destroyed but I won't cooperate. I don't work for evil. Unlike the majority of America, I know (even if I no longer experience it) what it is to be in contact with the living God, and I am sorry but luciferian aliens and fallen angels just aren't in the same category. Not even close. Having said that I don't know what to do or how to fight. I am too sick with psychotropic drugs to do anything but lay in bed. mY house is a mess i am too sick to even clean it. I have nothing, absolutely nothing to give me hope.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Obama lies. The United States DOES torture

Obama lies. The United States DOES torture--it would be nice if his concern for the well being of murderous terrorists extended to law abiding, God and neighbor loving citizens of his own adopted country, but it doesnt and I am proof. Racked by the most incredible severe brain pain and I know the purpose of it is to assert mind control and power on me. Tonite I expect the satanic evil pieces of shit who installed him into power to abduct me again. The terror done to my body (God can I please be waterboarded 266 times instead of having these goddamned implants by luciferian agents destroying my body and brain) has coaused the peculiar mind body disconect that I recognize as a precrursor to abduction. Fuck you assholes, enjoy your sadistic powertripping, get your chemical fix off of my terror and agonizing off the scale pain, but Im ready for you and your lies,

For those of you lucky enough not to be enslaved--stock up on magnets to try to disable their implants (they actually took the magnetic belt I bought--they work). Also, guns--war is coming--those who want to live free and in spiritual peace are going to have to fight. Trust me--fighting, suffering, and dying in battle is incomparably better than suffering in implanted slavery where sadists torture with aflick of a switch. Also read alternative medicine blogs. lots of good stuff out there, cant do me any good. I cant even get prescription meds from the pharmacy without poison on it. And pray--it is better to suffer and die in harmony with God's will than to give in to slavery and a slow half life devoid of dignity, freedom joy and peace.

Friday, May 8, 2009

have to keep my mind moving

have to keep my mind moving no matter how sick i am. i just saw the national icon for mind control and realized that his unusually slow speech is not just a technique of NLP (tho he certainly is aware of and uses those), but it also is the result of a brain slowed to practically nil speed so that implants (or maybe in his case, since he is an eager participant, his own internal conflicts) can direct the language response. What it most definitely is not, is thoughtful. I have listened to many deeply thoughtful people, and while they may take their time pondering their response, once it starts it flows. I long for the truly brilliant and verbal leaders of the past (the last one was Clinton), but he has company. I long for the days of my own verbal fluency, but that hasn't happened in the last four years.
I heard a woman say that evil wants to influence yuour mind, but it can only do so, if the mind moves slowly. No wonder the fucking torture scientists have spent the last four years drugging me in their successful attempts to slow my mind. They can't "read" (thru implants) or control it any other way, and they have succeeded. My mind used to move lightning quick, and now it stutters and trips in incoherence and lack of connection. I guess that is why I have drugs in me now. So I must, no matter how sick I am, I must work to keep my mind moving as fast as possible, images flowing as quick as possible. God help me.

bad getting worse

bad getting worse. very sick with nause migraine. cant open eyes. cant bear to the stimuli. too sick to even keep my eye s open to drive to see dale. talked to her on fone. she ahas quit as yoga instructor at df. its been a long time coming, but leaves me without a yoga class. too sick to care right now. havent exercised in over a week. am gaining weight. want to try to do something, treadmill for ten minutes but am too sick. head weighs fifty poounds. what am i goin to do, i cant gain any more weight but too sick to do anything but lay in bed with eyes shut. house filthy mess. too sick to clean. too sick for anythin.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


Torture--the one word used to describe my oppressed situation sounds so simple, no one word can ever delineate the hell i am goin thru. i read of jacquet molet being burned at the feet till the flesh slid off the bone. that is the kind of torture thisAFUCKING SATANIC PIG RATZINGER is doing to me. unlike bro jacques or sister joan of arc, ii know better than to recant. unlike them i know of a religious community in which human beings have rights and dignity, not like the medieval catholicism ratzinger wants to restore or the islam that the opposing evil faction bows to. nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHINBG can stop my hatred of the evil spirituality which is torturing me thru brain chemicals which make sme sick beyond belief. soon i will die, i almost did once before and i ve allready made up my mind not to fight it. you fucking pigs should let me go, because as long as i can breathe, u r my mortal enemy and i will fight uy. its alreadyu spinning out in head. jus ttoo goddamned sick to do anythin.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Godawful sick

Godawful sick as now I am convinced the goddamned sli and opus dei, and all of their fucking nsa cia buddies are doping me once again with lithium. Having major problems with memory, even simple things. Hurts to open eyes==recognize a symptom from the woman with the ischmeic brain stem tumor--literally hurts to open and move eyes. I Took two diamox. knew it had lithium on them but was so desperate to get rid of the fucking bowling ball on shoulders. head weighs over fifty pounds. body to sick to be able to move. exercis, yoga, or bicycle out of the question. Time to start writing tho. Only way this shit is ever going to end, or at least people know my side of the story.

7 days of migraines--the last two

7 days of migraines--the last two days nonfunctional. even now cant open eyes. brain stem being strangled. God to go to dr. why i guess they r trying to get me in psych hospital again. i have no hope. dreamed last nite of Sr Pat of SLI --my fucking God, those sadists just wont let me be. Maybe it is my fault--i looked at their web page the other day--check it out every 3 or 4 mos to see if God is answering at least one of my prayers--that those sadistic, warped pieces of shit never destroy another life as they destroyed mine. maybe God is answering prayer--too sick to go into it. but unfortunate side effect--these deeply spiritual but even more deeply warped people continue to monitor and attempt to influence my life. i just want to lay in bed, and gain more and more fucking weith. cant even wear clothes i bought that fit a week ago. as far as they r concerned, the fatter the better--no sexual tempations that way. Fuck you assholes and fuck everything you stand for, including roman catholic church. terhe are people who have true spirituality and true regard for me, no matter how successful your diabolical campoign has been. unfortunately for me too sick to rejoice at whatever little freedom i claim

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Another gray day

Another gray day in May as I wake up and see the sky blanketed by the poison of the chemtrails that have destroyed Earth's once beautiful, blue sky, and now are diligently working to destroy our minds and free will, in essence, our very humanity. Once again, they are trying to manipulate my dreams, and once again, they failed. However, they have succeeded in making me sick with migraines, excess csf, excess fluid in my joints and knee caps, and a feeling of being so fucking wired that I can barely function. but as long as I can express myself, I want to say hell no. Hell no, I won't be one of your fucking sold out robots. I am a human being, and I would rather die an early death as a human being than live in the fucking miserable satanic hell that you are preparing with your chemtrails and brain implants. It hurts to keep my eyes ope, I want to write more, but I am too fucked up on their goddamned poison. My back hurts too muscles all locked . Hell of a day. I pray God for release. Get these evil demons out of power of our lives. Please.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Face badly swollen

Face badly swollen with csf, and massive headaches. I tried to go for a little hike the other day, but they just turned on the brain implants, making me sick. I realize that there is nothing I can do that makes my life enjoyable and meaningful. I have to suffer this hell until God gets me out. Don't feel well--drugged up

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Two days of migraines now

Two days of migraines now--unable to treat it because I have to hoard the fironal i have since i cant get any medical help. Head is very heavy with excess csf. tried yesterday to walk but couldnt because i am too fucked up on whatever is going on. going to be another just try to get thru day. I long for a lover, a friend, just some one woman with whom to share my misery, my suffering, my pain, my constant struggle against the goddamned religious and mib torturers. no one to help me in suffering. no meds to help with pain. life is hell. wish it were over.