Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
High as a kite--but I am not sure if it is from psychotropic drugs or my body's natural protection mechanism to severe pain. My left leg is beyond pain. I can't walk. I can't touch it. I can't bear to feel loose-fitting shorts on it. Even though both my legs and both my arms feel numb and dead to the point that I can't lift a cup of coffee to my mouth (and find it difficult to type--I can feel muscles in my back spasming, a direct response to the bare lifting of fingers on the keyboard), I am worried that, thanks to Opus Dei assholes, I now am going to have pain issues with my left thigh for the rest of my life. What the hell--if I am not doing what they want, why do they care? I am just a human being with no rights or feelings, just obligations and expectations. Fuck them, and fuck every damn torturous thing they ever did to me. And every time I break down crying because the pain is too much, I just stiffen my resolve to spread the truth about their lies and abuse to whatever audience I can.
And today I am crying a lot. Yesterday, during yoga, I realized that in 13 years of living with a bad back, I can never remember the curvature of my spine being so pronounced that even my cervical spine is affected. NEVER. Also, yesterday, I realized my glutes and piriformis were tighter than I can ever remember being (and if they ever have been tighter, it has to be at the most recent 9 years ago, when I first started yoga).
What causes all this? The goddamned psychotropic drugs that force my muscles to spasm and tighten in involuntary reaction to being poisoned. I have been taking Vicodin and may need to take it again to sleep tonite, but I am so fucking high and my head is so full of excess cerebral spinal fluid (oh did I forget all about how I am going blind in my right eye?), that I don't want to take any narcotics. But the pain is so terrible that I don't think I can sleep without it.
How much suffering God am I to endure? I am so tired of being doped up in my brain and suffering the most agonizing of pain in my body. Either kill me or them because it is too much.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Three Vicodin in the last three days--adding whiskey now in a desperate attempt to get rid of the pain -- all caused by inflammation and nerve damage caused by speed. My entire left leg is numb now and doesn't even want to lift while my knee feels like a balloon instead of a flexible joint.
To make matters worse, the psychotropic drugs that have been making it hard to stay in reality the last few days now are in serious saturation in my body. I know. Whenever the drugs hit my body I dream of yucky dreams, living in dilapidated houses with feces on the wall, and cockroaches everywhere. When the drugs get out of my system I dream of living in clean, spacious beautiful houses and dead cockroaches. Well right now as my arms are so dead that I cannot type I am living in a dipalidated house full of cockroaches. My suffering and pain is beyond imaginable. I am certain any other person would swall ow a bottle o f Thylenol in this situation. Time to drink more whiskey to try to get out of this psychotropic and nerve pain hell i am in.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Limping from nerve pain that has me in constant agony. I know now that the nerve pain is caused by inflamed muscles in my thigh (now that summer weather is here, I can place my hands on both thighs and recognize the difference, and feel the intense heat emanating from the left thigh. Even more importantly, I can feel the constant, burning, ripping pain of inflamed nerve ganglia. According to a reading of torture convention rules, physical torture consists of
Severe physical pain described as anything causing permanent damage to major organs or body parts.
I have no qualms claiming torture. I have suffered both permanent brain and body damage, and being in constant physical pain is truly miserable. For the goddamned speed continues. Psychotropic drugs that cause headaches, nausea, , and a total inability to function in any but the most cursory of ways continue. I was too sick last night to even watch TV. I slept until 10:30 this morning, awakened by a phone call. So much suffering. So much just trying to hang on. Hang on for what? I don't know or even care anymore. Help me God/
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Very depressed as whatever psychotropic drug I am force fed now (and maybe it is just speed) steals my energy, my vigor, my self-identity, and indeed my very life. I am so tired of forcing myself to try to keep going when it looks more and more like I will never be free of these pricks who have stolen my life from me and put me in a chemical and legal hell. I have decided that I have to find something to live for, because right now, I have nothing. I am denied everything that gives my life meaning and joy--physical exercise, lesbian companionship and erotic love, purposeful work. Instead I have a bunch of fucking stupid, heretic Christians feeding off of me, or more accurately put, their interpretation and vision of me, fed by nighttime mutterings they misinterpret. I am not here for you or your warped understanding of religion and faith. I despise you and everything you stand for. I want to pursue my spiritual life free of you and your drugs, and your dogmas, and your lies and your needy, abusive dsyfunctions. I want to pray to God as a free woman again, and I want to share my life and my spirit in a sexual, romantic relationship with another woman, a happy self-identified lesbian. The thought of living out even one more year in this fundamentalist, chemical hell I am in, is just unbearable to me. As it is, everytime I look in the mirror I see eyes staring back at me that don't belong to me, dead, and masked or refracted by whatever chemicals course my blood. I see the marks of suffering and the downturned mouth lines, radically different from the face of the first 40 years of my life, when my visage was chararacterized by sunny optimism, a constant smile. and loving, joyful awareness of everything around me.
I am totally alienated from emotions and feeling, and I think that makes my personality even more weird than what people expect or like in conformity of narrow norms. Yesterday while I was talking to Dale, I realized I was talking about matters of which I truly cared deeply, but I was totally unable to convey any emotional feeling through the freighted words I was using. That is what the goddamed opus dei types don't understand. If there is no emotion, there is no deep prayer, and right now, as for the past two year I am unable to do any kind of serious or genuine prayer, just cling in faith to the hope that God takes my life soon.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Crying in pain as I am corsetted in inflammation caused by the relentless speed and other drugs forced into my body by my torturers. There is nowhere that I do not suffer from inflammation--my joints, my neck, my back, my stomach muscles, my ribs, even my hands. I am in the body of an 80 year old woman and there is nothing I can to do to try to heal myself until this doping stops, and even then, I don' think I will ever recover. I don't know how much longer I can do even light stretching at yoga, because the pain is too severe. I am tired of being in pain all the goddamned time. I tell my body that it is not me abusing it, but all that my body knows is that it is being poisoned irreversibly. The most basic right--my right to claim my own body and health--is denied me by the evil institutional powers of Church and State that I once trusted. I tell myself not to take painkillers, but I cannot live with this level of pain. I cannot bear to be in a body of unresponsive flesh and muscles.
To make matters worse, I realized how much damage has been done to my brain when I tried to recall what I read today. Forcing myself to read Mein Kampf (for about the fourth time--I never get through it. I always throw it aside in indignant disgust), and I tried, while driving home today to recall what I read, and there was nothing there. Gone are the days pre-lithium, when my mind was constantly thinking on a problem, a thought, an idea, a solution. My IQ has been effectively halved by these assholes.