Saturday, December 31, 2005

brief period of lucidity

I am taking advantage of a brief bit of lucidity---the first in a while.
The SLI and their stupid, sheep followers, have been hard-edged by the power
and resources of a "black" agency (I am willing to bet its the NSA), and they make
my life a veritable hell, poisoning every place I dwell and work, with drugs--
a combination of speed and anti-depressants, I suspect.  I can barely function.
As a matter of fact, the only reason I persevere is because intellectually I
know what is happening.  When it is really bad--my legs are rubber and can hardly
walk, I'm so high that I cannot concentrate, and weird things are happening in
my brain---like they did when I took Imetrex (so that I am worried about having
a brain seizure), I know that the only way this will end is with my physical
collapse.  But I have no other recourse but to suffer it.  After having spent six
months in jail at the hands of these psychological idiots and spiritual midgets,
I know they care nothing about the long term consequences on my body.  And consequences
I already feel.  I don't know what is going to happen, though I can feel twinges in my
appendix, storing the poison, I'm having serious heart pain (wouldn't it be fun to have
a damaged heart for the rest of my life), and my body is so stiff and weak from the
inability to exercise that I literally cannot cross my legs without lifting one
over the other.  Worse of all, I am having those weird brain rushes, similar to the
ones I had when I was taking Imitrex.  How close am I to having a brain seizure?
A stupid sheep just came in and sat behind me.  It is all I can to not go off on her. 
Whenever these Christians come and do their Opus Dei or prayer group duty by spying on
me, or poisoning me (like the two Asian bimbos at the Econolodge),I creep out.
I can read their stupid, simple, brainwashed minds every time, and it horrifies me to
realize how the Church and its power brokers--i.e. the priests have totally undermined
and twisted the gospel message of Jesus to these people.  The interesting thing, too,
is that none of them have any depth of spirituality (the Asian women struck me as a
duo of Jehovah's Witnesses), but thanks to the brainwashing of the church and its priests,
they are so smug in their psuedo-spirituality that they are doing some great work.
This is not the spiritual life--my God, how the Church has degenerated.  Is this my call--
a regeneration of faith and spirituality---very far from the abyss of corruption where
they try to control bodies and minds, instead of welcoming and inviting the freedom of
choice that Jesus did.  These people are like the Islamic suicide terrorists.  They
know nothing of true faith or spirituality.  They are brainwashed sheep---agents of
action for the power brokers who use the name of Jesus and the spiritual life to
control and manipulate others. So I guess that I am being prepared to fight that, with
the added preparation of fighting against the tyranny of governmental abuse (but religious
abuse is always so much worse than political abuse). 
When my mind is clear, I try to pray, but all I can do is cling to God's promise---and
that gives me hope.  I think of people like Victor Frankel or Alexander Solshenitsen-sp?.
I've also been thinking a lot of John Sheridan's torture in B5.  The same thing that
gave him hope and allowed him to persevere works for me.  Thanks Augusta.  I know that
there are people on my side, and you are the primary one.  That is so important for me
when I realize how even my own mother sells me out (but then she has sold me out my
entire life long....what is new?)
It isn't that hard to be on my side---just respect my freedom of choice to define myself,
and don't abuse my body or mind.
Before I go, I have to say that I had a good dream last night.  Good dreams are hard to
come by these days. I dreamed of Dave Denny trying to tell me what to do, and I was telling
him no, I wanted nothing to do with him, and I went to S Therese who told me she didn't want m
me to live with her but with a woman who was about to get married.  It felt so good to
talk to Therese--someone else who really respects me for who I am, and I knew that she was
trying to tell me that I need to exercise a marriage committment.  I am trying Therese, but
these damned cultists keep going to extremes to keep me from living my vocation.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Disembodied and Alienated

Am I ever going to get my body and mind back?  As I am force fed drugs (anti-depressants, I suspect) because they leave me so severely depressed as to be suicidal when they are at the extrene), I begin to despair of ever feeling healthy and whole, mind-and-body connected, ever again.  I no longer breathe right---I always had a deep, energizing breaths---now like most Westerners, I cut off my breathe at the chest.  It is an instinctive reaction to breathing in poison.  My back is in the worst shape that it has been in, in years, with escalating pain and muscle tension.  I do not know how much longer it will function.  Then, there is the ever increasing weight gain (which I despair of ever losing), and swelling and pain of my joints--my ankles are chronically swollen, and my wrists now have joint pain so bad (which they never did before) that I can't do down dog, which before used to be a resting pose for me.  In yoga, I realize that I no longer am connecting with my center, and I think that is because the drugs are alienating me from my center.  In a way, it is good, because I realize most Americans live like this everyday---no wonder we are a nation of dope addicts and addictive, idolatrous, patriarchal religion.  The simple reason is that we no longer are in touch with our bodies.  I'm sure all the idiotic psychologists and priests with DeBlassie and McNamara leading the charge, keep trying different dosages and preparations, wondering how to deal with a body so sensitive.  My body is not sensitive; it's just not alienated from, or subjugated to my mind, like theirs is.  My body talks and I listen.  I dreamed last night that my wise old woman archetype of my dreams was being poisoned.  That is the archetype for God/Jungian Self (If I were male, my image would have been of  white haired and bearded old man, but unlike most women, I am not alienated from my own deep feminine energies). 

If people had any connection with their body, we would not have a problem with addiction--and that includes co-dependent, patriarchal religion.  I know that I will never trust or talk to those people who have treated me like this ever again (though from the way they pop up on my buddy list whenever I sign on, they obviously believe their own lies and illusion). I miss talking to my real friends online.  Perhaps that is part of the severe depression afflicting me.  I have no one who really can relate to me.  There are people who could, but circumstances (the abuse I endure) prevent any real relationship from developing.  I don't know what would be more awkward--me being truthful or them being truthful.  I'm not into lies or superficial relationships, so its better that I be alone.  God, I long for a normal life.  Today, I was actually clear of the drugs for most of the day.  I even came into the room and watched a football game like a real person.  Then, I got cocky, thinking my tormenters finally had left me alone, and turned on the heater.  Now I'm alienated from my body, with a splitting headache, and my body's muscles all spasming from pain at the poison.  I told you, Tita---it is better to freeze than be poisoned, but you didn't listen.  These mind rapists are not going to let you go.  When I am severely depressed like this, I can think of only one way to regain control of my life, but I remember other people who have survived torture, and keep hearing that Merle Haggard song, playing in my head, "If we make it through December."  I know what my future is---I just have to make it through December.  Well it is time to take pain medication and try to go to sleep, with no heat, muscle spasms, a splitting headache, and the kind of unrefreshing sleep that is granted the poor sobs who are alienated from their own body.  God Im so pissed at myself.  I so desperately wanted a good night's sleep....not tonight. 

Monday, December 12, 2005


Well, it didn't take long for my persecutors to ruin my earlier Merry Christmas mood, joyful as I was at leaving ML's house. In retrospect, it is clear what a pathetically depressed woman she is, and while I disagree with her decision to medicate her depression, rather than deal with it through self-knowledge, spirituality, and therapy, it still is sad to just see her sit zoned out to the TV. Even the young man who helped me move, asked, "Is that all she does--sit there." Yes, Ira, except to get up for cookies or ice cream, she just sits there in her pjs and bathrobe, zoned out. That is what my persecutors wish for me, too. It is so much easier to control and manipulate people who are zoned out Well, I am zoned out--it is Monday morning, and I am a basket case, high, and sick. Obviously it is not going to be as easy to shake my persecutors as I thought. It was a waste of money to get this place. They can poison all my food and water, and I can't use the heater. I have to get up the energy to get out of here by the end of the week, but as always with this anti-depressant shit, I can't get up the energy to do anything. I feel too bad to even go to work, but I have no choice so I guess I will go and fake it. What is wrong with these fucking Inquisitors that they can't stand to see somebody happy and healthy and joyful. Just like ML, they want me to drink the poison they drank a long time ago. I couldn't believe how soulless the NSA/FBI agents I saw at Dr. Thall, really were. And then there's the sadism of the celibate monks who initiated this whole thing. I bring that up because I think there is something truly sadistic and/or masochistic about many celibates, especially power-trippers. Speaking of masochists, I am reminded of Escriva, and I wouldn't be surprised if Opus Dei is behind this whole thing. The next month will be hard--I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. These drugs effectively create anxiety when one is about to go into deep sleep (I wonder if they give these drugs to the tortured prisoners at Abu Gharaib --oh Geez, that's right, Bush says we don't torture). Well, I have seen the future and it is a soulless police state where they drug us to stay compliant and believe their lies. And the church men, hell, they sell out the information of who actually might have a soul left to steal. It's very hard to form coherent thought as tired and high as I am. Jesus help me--help me against the evil psychologists, the power-tripping priests, and the soulless Black Ops specialists. Just get me through today, I will be okay tonite.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

oh, addendum

Speaking of people who don't know me....Mary Lou became very agitated and paranoid (and they call me paranoid, even with all this damn speed I have in my system), saying, "you better not do anything to this house."  I have absolutely no intention of doing anything to this house, even though I have been systematically poisoned here for a month, but it was her own guilty conscience talking.  She knows what she is capable of, so she projects it on to me.  I'm not a person at all to her---just an image to conform in her own likeness---complete with dope addiction.

not much better

How long has it been since I wrote?  That is how long I have been totally mind-fogged and body wracked by drugs and pain, barely able to function.  I finally figured out that I was being poisoned through the vents and am finally at the end of my rope and leaving here.  I spent two days in a motel room barely able to move.  I wish I could say that I was recovered, but I can't, but I will say that I moving towards health, and moving out of here will be a big part of that.  Of course Mary Lou is not ultimately responsible for me being poisoned, but the bottom line is that I don't want to live with someone who I can't trust not to poison  the boiling water for coffee, on the stove.  I know she poisoned my meds, and I know she thinks the abuse and poisonous violence against my personhood is a good idea.  That is what I cannot abide.  We got into it deep time after she called me a bitch and told me I would never find a girlfriend because I was mentally ill--Ms Anti-Depressant pillhead who can't function without 5000 calories and 8 hours of TV a day.  I'm sorry, but its the truth, and I'm tired of taking abuse from these people.  She abused me, and I abused her back.  When are these dumbasses going to learn?  Abuse, control, and manipulation does not motivate me at all.  DD or PDB was on the chatline earlier, pretending to be Jamie 1705, someone who I know and who knows me.  How did I know, they were masquerading under a screen name.  Because they didn't know me.  When I told them that I wouldn't throw a first punch, DD responded "yeh right".  I knew right then it wasnt Jamie, because even though we have gotten down into some knock down fights, Jamie knows me, and knows when and why I fight. 

 I watched Mark David Chapman interviewed last night, and jail has made him honest.  He said that he didn't kill a man; he killed an image of a man that he built up in his own mind in an attempt to make himself feel better.  That is the whole essence of evil, and that is why SLI & the high powered law enforcement that they have involved, are so evil.  They don't know me, and they don't want to know me.  They have an image of me in their minds and it is that image that they try to dominate and control, because they can't relate to the real person of who I am.  I fight evil.  I will never be dominated by it.  I am not ashamed of my healthy anger against evil.  I suppose I could be more Christlike and suffer in silence, but God calls us all in different ways.  I've told these people over and over how and for what I am called, and they don't respect my free will or care about my chosen self-identity.  They feed their own illusory image of me in their minds and try to mold me into their image of what I should be....NO!!!!!  NEVER!!!!!! Get the picture.  I treat people freely and fairly, if sometimes a bit agressively, and how dare you call yourself servants of God, when you do not.  You will never motivate me. 

I don't know how much longer I have to endure this.  Obviously for a while.  I'm tired Lord.  But just like I watched Frodo last night struggle as he strove to rid himself of his ring, I know that I can only keep moving  for what I know is the good, no matter how tired I get.  And that good is a fundamental reorientation of spirituality---one that respects free choice and free will, worship under different forms and rubrics, and sexuality in all of its forms and manifestations, including my own lesbian love.

I'm not going to be online much for awhile, so I will be not doing much writing.  It is time to leave, but I will my music, God.  Thank you God for the gift of music to lift our spirits, and thank you for all the gifts you have given me to discern evil from good.  Blessings on everyone I love, and mental health and liberation to all those who live in fear of allowing myself and others to be who we are.  May you come to know God as S/he is---all-loving and all-powerful, and not a puny patriarchal Zeus at all.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I'm forcing myself to function half-heartedly at work (it will be interesting to see what my stats are for the month of November---these anti-depressants turning me into a pale, unresponsive ghost of myself).  I'm barely eating in an attempt to keep my digestive system from seizing up on me.  But I feel like I am having a month long bout with the flu---weak and sick, lethargic and unmotivated to do much more than function.  I am glad now that I don't have a job that demands a lot of me, for when I am faced with anything that forces me to think or act enrgetically, I know that I don't have the resources to muster for the job, and just collapse.  It makes me feel compassion for the people that I know are truly depressed---like a co-worker on my team.  I'm still convinced that the majority of people on anti-depressants are just legal addicts.  In a way, I have more respect for alcoholics or heroin addicts---at least they know they are addicts, and there's nothing legitimate, or "medical" about dependency.  But we are a society of addicts---primarily, I believe, because our deepest, truest need---that of awareness of and relationship with the realm of the spiritual---is not met.  Churches surely don't meet that need; they have become one of the biggest purveyors of addiction, not only in this country, but in the world.  Unfortunately, while addictive religion may have had positive ramifications in the past, I see it as the single most destructive collectivizing force in the world today.

I'm trying to keep my joy that I lost three weeks ago, when my thyroid medications were replaced with chemically addictive drugs whose sole purpose was to depress and de-energize me.  I try to think what positive I can take from this, and renewed contempt for Western medicine is certainly one.  It is hard when the person I live with thinks joy is a manifestation of out of control mania.  I noticed how much it disturbed her when I woke up singing.  Well, I won't be singing for a while. I also know that I cannot express myself around her fully so I put on my best "mask"--acceptable, quiet, suppressed and repressed---be a good little Christian girl.  Of course I know this is going to get to her, but I don't care.  I'm tired of not being able to express myself; besides there is no joy living with someone who I cannot be my naturally exuberant, bodacious self.  I guess the biggest difference between us is best encapsulated in the people we are attracted to.  She is attracted to a 400 pound man who told her he wouldn't want to have sex because he was afraid of a heart attack; he uses oxygen to masturbate.  I, on the other hand, know that sex and love is about going out of yourself and sacrifice, not protecting the flesh.   That is such a blasphemous denial of life and love.   That is why I have made the choices I've made; too bad, I've got a religious Taliban from preventing me from living out my choices.  But my life won't be full or complete until I'm with the woman I love.  Nor (and this comes from God with whom I've talked about it many times), will true healing over my childhood abuse come about until I am with her.  So, in the meantime, I just try to function, sometimes more successfully than others.  Right now, admittedly, it is very hard.  But I  will make my choices to the extent that I am able.  I would rather suffer sickness and debility from the lack of my thyroid medication than suffer mental and emotional devitalization and physical poison from anti-depressants.  I dreamed about three weeks (right before they swapped out my meds, and I knew that it was an ominous dream), that I was going to go to jail again, but I had a choice--I could have my hands tied behind me, or in front.  Well I choose in front.  I interpreted the dream to mean that I was entering a period of constricted repression and suffering (and boy was I right), but at least I have some freedom of movement.  I choose to suffer my way; not theirs.

Last night I had an important "self" dream with an old VIDA buddy of mine--"Kathleen."  I always remember Kathleeen's comment about the SLI.  She was a very mature, measured, calm woman, and one day on a trip back from the monastery.  All of us twentysomething VIDA's were excitedly commenting on how sexist the SLI was in regard to women, and how they did this, that, and the other.  Finally, Kathleen, who was quiet as always, responded to our question for comment--she said, "they are kept women."  Because she never made rash or emotional judgments, that statement had more force than all our excited proclamations put together.  Glenna broke the profound stillness by exclaiming, "that's why I'm uncomfortable there.  I'm an unkept woman."  We all laughed.  Thank you, God, for unkept women.  They are what keeps the world truly alive and joyful---make life worth living.  Anyway, I dreamed I went to talk to Kathleen who was living by herself in the woods, and in the dream I got the impression that though the SLI was nearby, she was resolutely independent of them (Kathleen was to make an extended retreat there later, but though she was desperately seeking a religious community, that place was not for her.  She was too intelligent, motivated, and gifted of a woman to ever be a "kept" member of McNamara's harem.  But in the dream she offered me coffee (weak) after I got hot water from a stream, and offered me to read three books that she had on Tibetan Buddhism (when I think of TB, I think of discernment of the spirits---they are very in touch with the fact that the spiritual has both divine and demonic elements, and that the two, while different,  are both somehow legitimate or valid).  She had parked her car nearby, and someone came and told her that it had been towed uphill (why, I don't know).  But the upshot was to make her life harder, even though she already was living a very elemental life in the woods.

Here comes the stomach pain....I just ate.

Monday, November 21, 2005


I have thrown the poison away, right down the toilet.  Now I won't be tempted to take it at 4 in the morning when I wake up in digestive agony.  I've quit eating solid food, except for little bits in broth. It doesn't really help though.  My stomach still feels like an indigestible cinder block, and I find my loosest pants are uncomfortably tight on me.  Normally, I am enraged whenever I see myself gaining weight because of these people's abusive tricks (and then have the doctor make comments about how people aren't aware of how much they eat--well I'm not eating now, and I'm gaining weight...what does that tell you?  Maybe you got another pill for that which you will lace with anti-depressant poison too....).  But my body is too weak and tired to be angry right now.  Mentally, I feel clear, and thank you God, it is so good to have my mind back.  Even though I know how hard it is for me to lose weight, and I know that I will be furious and humiliated once it all ends, and I can start the slow laborious process of losing the additional fat that they have added on to me this time, I will deal with that problem when my body feels healthy.  I just can't agonize over the condition of my body when it is in the survival mode that it is in right now.  To me, regaining control of the mind is antecedent to regaining control of my body.  So I am just going to hunker down into survival mode until my body learns that it is going to have to kick in and do some metabolism on its own--that I can't depend on anybody to help me out---and most certainly not anyone in the medical profession.  My roommate is all pissed off at me---no doubt because she is reading my entries and is all hurt about what I say about anti-depressants. That is too bad.  I feel like the young child Eve whose mother would fill her up with enemas, then fly into a rage when she couldn't hold it any longer.  It is only an evil mother who would poison her children with antidepressants that weaken the mind and body.  And then to fly into a rage when you start to expel it from your body.....But I know who the evil mother is who started all this, although he insists on being called "Father."  I know and have told him over and over again that I want nothing to do with him or his community, but they won't listen.  So they commit desperate, evil acts against my body and person, and I am suffering for it right now.  And indeed I am suffering.  My body just got hit with a wave of fatigue after drinking a bowl of broth.  I think its taking all the energy I have to digest even a bowl of broth.  I have to save my energy.  I have to go to work like this. 

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Severely depressed

All my attempts to find a homeopathic alternative that will work to replace my deficient thyroid have failed.  I have two choices--I can either try to clear myself of the fucking poisonous shit, and then I suffer all the symptoms of low thyroid.  I was so upset yesterday to realize how my skin had become like sandpaper again--so coarse and dry--even my face.  I can handle most of the problems associated with low thyroid though, except for the digestion.  Whenever I feel the pain in my digestion, I break down and take the poison again, and then my stomach feels a little better, while I have to deal with all the associated symptoms--the overwhelming feelings of severe depression and lethargy, the fucking headaches which are getting worse and worse, and about to drive me to bang my head against the wall--overall feelings of near panic anxiety and suicidal ideation, as I am forced to take medicine that I know has been poisoned to try to keep my body functioning.  So I have a choice---either I quit eating, or I take their poison which is destroying not only my overall physiological health, but also my emotional and psychological well being.  I am so angry at these bastards and their stupidity and their lack of respect for my dignity as a human being.  But then stupidity and lack of respect for my personhood has been their trademark MO all along--it just took me years to take off my guilt ridden ideological blinders to see it.  I'm so upset because I was on the track to genuine healing, in peak health, happy and confident about where my health stood, and where it was headed; now I'm a wreck.  But the SLI & Co are not interested in my healing; they are only interested in extending their control over me.  So now I'm going to have to starve myself and suffer a partial, if not total shutdown of my body in order to get clear.  I am so angry it is beyond words; besides it takes too much energy right now in my depressed, dilapaditated, poisoned condition

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Understanding Dynamics of Anti-Depressants

As I continue to experience and fight the effects of these anti-depressants, I realize now how they work, and why they are so addictive.  Bottom line is they make you high, and cocoon you from reality, so you really don't experience reality---you are too tuned in to the feel good vibes caused by artificial chemicals in your brain.  Most westerners are barely in touch with what their body is feeling, so they are unaware of how powerful these chemicals really are.  Someone like myself, who is very in touch and in tune with her body, knows instantaneously when there has been a serious biochemical change in my brain.  One of the biggest problems in Western society is how out of touch with our bodies we really our, and antidepressants both depend on that for their success, as well as exacerbate the problem.  We would rather feel the chemicals separating us from reality than the raw emotional data that makes us human (and fully alive).  The only time when the use of antidepressants is acceptable is when the pain is overwhelming (ie, when someone is suicidal, or pretty darned close).  Other than that, health professionals should be addressing the source of the pain, not the symptomology.  But all these MD's and therapists are so eager to prove they can help (they can't; the patient is the primary agent of healing, which is another misconception in the so-called healing professions), that they write out prescriptions for chemical quick fixes which only serves to deepen the patient's denial mechanism regarding the source of the pain.  Not coincidentally, it disempowers the patient from the healing process, turning them into co-dependant addicts on chemicals, and the pharmaceutical industry gets another cash cow, while the doctors all congratulate themselves when their patients gush about how much better they feel. 

Unfortunately, and having been fighting to rid anti-depressants from my body now for over two weeks, I can speak authoritatively: anti-depressants don't solve or cure anything.  They only allow you to mask or deny, or better yet, separate you from what you truly feel, and present a bland, acceptable facade to the world.  This actually is the perfect drug for Western society, where we have strong egos, but a weak sense of authentic self or soul.  For anti-depressants nurture the ego (or mask that we present to the world) while locking away the self in a closet.  When I am on anti-depressants, I notice that I feel keenly that I am separated from my soul (of course if I were your typical average American, I wouldn't even know what it felt like to be in touch with my soul, so it wouldn't be any big loss.  This is why most Americans are totally oblivious to the poisonous effects of anti-depressants).  Instead, I feel a duality in myself.  I am aware of my feelings deep down inside, but they are buried so deep in a well that they don't penetrate except as an echo to what is going on consciously.  Instead the mask of the ego takes over, and lies, lies, lies.  Of course, because I am aware of the duality, I am aware that I am lying, but I can't reach the anti-dote which is to get back in touch with the deep self or soul.  When I am heavily influenced by these anti-depressants (as opposed to trying to detox them from my body), I am amused to see the difference between the ego I present to the world, which other people experience, and the true feelings that I am aware of, but cannot access.  Indeed, I feel evil because I am aware of how much of a lie I am presenting to the world as I manipulate my own self-presentation.  And as in true evil, I have no guilt or feelings of remorse, just slight amusement at how easy it is to manipulate others with a lie.  To be evil, you have to be a spiritual person.  That is why living the lie that anti-depressants provide is so destructive to me, and my body and psyce rejects it so vehemently.  Most people who get hooked into anti-depressants have no relationship or awareness of their spiritual self.  They are just full of infantile neediness, resentment and jealousy, and they know they can't function in the world with those burdens so they just drown them out with chemicals, rather than engage in the true healing process of coming to a mature and spiritual confession and awareness of them.  The only problem is that along with all the negative, immature feelings, they stifle all the truly liberating and uplifting feelings as well---love, beauty, joy.  That is why people on anti-depressants just seem flat and uninspired, indeed stifled.  They also are easily manipulated by the prince of lies in all his manifestatons, because they are daily living out a lie.  As for me, anti-depressants not only stifle my rage (which I think is a quite justified feeling); they also stifle my love and joy.  Normally, I realize, I am full of caritas--benevolent, spirtual love, in my dealings with others.  I passionately care about people.  When I am on anti-depressants, I don't care.  I really don't care about anything, but especially other people.  Like I told someone when I was heavily doped up---"You know, I just don't give a fuck," and I don't.  This is why my saves rates slips so dramatically when I am on anti-depressants.  Normally when I talk to people on the phone, I am deeply engaged in connecting with them on a deep level.  In short, I care.  When I am doped up, the glib words come out of my mouth, but my soul is disengaged from any attempt at relationship.  Sure, I'm not going to get angry, but no I'm not going to care one bit, either.  Feelings are connected to the soul more than thoughts, and the Western penchant for manipulating and controlling feelings is just another indication of our uneasiness with soul.  That is why we live in such a soulless society and are so susceptible to lies, and that is exactly what my tormentors would prefer to see in me---someone they can use.  But I don't believe the lies that they do, whether it has to do with Roman Catholic dogma (the Christian Church is directly responsible for the mass exodus of truly spirtual people from institutional religion), or this government's credo that Americans are more special than the rest of the world (therefore torture, war, and economic exploitation are all okay, as long as it is done to "further American interests").  It is never okay to treat someone as an object, without their consent, unless they are a danger to themselves or others, and this is the source of my resentment and rage, and all the anti-depressants in the world will not make it go away.  It will just make it go deep down inside while I smile on the outside and tell you what you want to hear--in other words, join the lying flock of sheep. 

I refuse, and my refusal is costing me dearly.  I do not feel well today at all as I struggle to detox myself from their poisonous shit.  My body literally feels like I am recuperating from a long illness, I am suffering from yet another headache that has been plaguing me (I've gone through more Excedrin in the past two weeks than I have gone through in the last 6 months--I'm popping them like M&M's in an attempt to stave off the pain and tension), and my eyesight is all weird ( a sure sign something is wrong with my thyroid/hormones).  I don't care if I go in a coma.  I would rather die, than live out a lie, and feel myself become alienated and evil, something they would never understand, either because they don't understand the reality of the spirit and soul, or because they have sold out their spirit and soul to the lie that is the institutional dogma.

Friday, November 18, 2005

How I Lost My Groove Again

Well, obviously clearing my body of this poisonous shit is going to be a process, since in an attempt to get my body back on track, I went back to my homopathic doctor and they gave me tainted medicine.  I can taste it, I can feel it (I'm so sick of having palpitations and funny nerve sensations all over my body).  Most of all I am pissed over how it affects my work performance.  I'm too dull and depressed and unfocussed to work well, so my saves rate suffers badly and that means a crappy paycheck next month.  I'm also upset because I can't wear pants that I could wear two weeks ago, and I feel just yucky all over.  I'm so angry at being put in such a fucked up state, I want to hit or break something, but I tell myself "stay cool."  These people who are doing this to you (and I include my roommate in this) don't have a clue who you are or what motivates you or how to heal you.  The only problem is that the people who do know me, love me, and could motivate and/or heal me are prevented from relating to me.  But hey, I've been here before---the entire time I lived under my father's authority.  I survived his ignorance and abuse, and I will survive theirs.  I will just do what I am good at when faced with abuse I can't confront---withdraw into my room and live in my head.  In the meantime though, I got to get clear of these fucking meds.  I can't stand what they are doing to my body.  Obviously this night is a fucking waste, but tomorrow I have to try to start living again.  I guess I could always go out and join the land of the living dead---go watch TV or go to church, but instead I got to go find some kind of thyroid supplement that my body can take without making me suicidal or homicidal, or even worse, just one of the dull, half alive zombies, afraid and unable to live life to the full.  I know what I need to do this upcoming week.....

Thursday, November 17, 2005

How Tita Got Her Groove Back

I was able to go to the gym and work out last night for the first time in over two weeks.  I came home feeling like a human being again---finally capable of doing something physically demanding with my body, instead of laying around, unable to do anything, except lay in my own mental fog.  I tried to imagine what goes through my persecutors' heads as I struggled to understand what could motivate people to poison someone who is so obviously healthy with anti-depressants.  I thought of Dubya, and the posts I've been reading about him being a dry drunk who replaced alcohol with exercise-aholism, and I wondered if I were using exercise as an addiction.  After last night I can answer genuinely, "no."  Now, admittedly, I exercise more than I would if I were healthy.  But my back demands yoga 3+ times a week (and besides I really enjoy the physical/spiritual connection), and because of my weight (which has increased dramatically in the last two and half weeks), I have to push myself to work out harder and longer than I normally would.  I think if I were healthy and happy about my weight, I would only do cardio exercise a couple of times a week, and only for about an hour or little more.  But as I felt myself sweat out two weeks of inactivity, I realized that physical exercise is necessary to balance out the human body and psyche.  I have always been a physical person, and experience joy when I am physical (fine, be a cynic and call them biochemical endorphins).  But the bottom line is that kind of chemical is natural and healthy, and people wouldn't be needing the fake shit if they were producing that on their own.  We human beings are physical beings and we are meant to exercise our bodies.  As a kid, I never went to the gym, because I was outside working everyday, including my two mile paper route that I walked every morning.  But as I got to be an adult in an urban setting, I needed a place to be physical again, and that is why gyms are important.  I sit at a desk all day long.  My body craves some kind of physical movement--even if its on a mechanical device.  No wonder this society is so fat and unhealthy---we do not exercise our physical bodies anymore.  I saw a youth working out last night that was in pain from overexercising, but he was young and healthy and his body could handle it, and all I could think of is this is how a youth should prove his manhood--pushing his body to the limit, not slugging 60 proof alcohol or driving like a moron or being an x-box champion.  Now, maybe Dubya is an exercis-aholic, but I think he just replaced one form of denial with another---in this case the whole messed up, macho view of the world and human/political relations.  His exercise is probably the most healthy element in his life......I know that it feels good to have my physical life back.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Slowly clearing my system of poison

Well, thanks to SLI & CO, and the MD they have now recruited into their cabal, I've lost two weeks of my life to depression, lethargy, mental fog, and weight gain.  Because I need my thyroid medication, I have kept trying to experiment to see what they have poisoned--in short, everything.  I'm still clearing the shit out of my system, and I am having serious energy issues in the afternoon, when the OTC thyroid glandular I take is running out.  I don't trust these people at all.  I know they are fully capable of poisoning the water that I drink.  At this point they are desperate.  They have years of abuse under their belt, and they are desperately seeking some kind of justification for what they have done to me.  Well all they need to do is read Dostoyeski's chapter on the Grand Inquisitor, and they can count themselves among the legion, and growing number of religionists who abuse others in the misguided, idolatrous notion that God gives them power over another's body.  Wrong.

The only person who has power over my body is me, and I will make my choices, and you can abuse me and prevent me from making them, but you won't ever get me to cooperate with you.  I choose to have sex with an HIV positive person, and while that is a life endangering choice, it is MY choice and I have already agonized, prayed, and cried over it, and I enter it willingly and ably.  I will never choose to have your poison enter my body.  You can sneak it into me, and I will know, just as sure as my body wisdom would tell me if I were ingesting arsenic.  I also know by the way it turns me into a fat lazy slug who craves sugar to try to feel energetic and alive.  I didn't even know my roommate was on anti-depressants until a couple of days ago, but I knew by the way she was totally oblivious to reality around her and needed to escape reality through about 8+ hours of TV watching a day, that she was seriously depressed.  I still don't watch TV when I am on anti-depressants, but I can't concentrate on anything--not even surfing the Web.  I might as well be watching TV.  I can't even concentrate on my work.  I remember how drastically my saves rate dropped while I was under the influence of the poison---from 54% to 13%.  I look around and I can tell when people are on anti-depressant medication.  They just don't have any motivation, any self-iniative, no desire to live life to thefullest, and that is where SLI & co want me.  They can control me that way, and that is McNamara's deepest desire.  The man is nothing but a spiritual egoist, power-tripping, control freak.  But he's got a lot of power, and he has involved other powerful people in the mix, and my body scars bear witness to that.  What you don't have, assholes, and you never will is my free will or respect.  I despise you and everything that you stand for, and I will fight and fight and fight until one day I am free of you, and your misogynistic, homophobic, sex-hating poison.

As for me, I have to struggle to get back to where I was 3 weeks ago--in peak health, happy, energetic, and losing fat weight.  I have to force myself to go work out, even though my energy levels are abnormally low, and I can't stand to look at my body to see how much fat I gained while these pigs pulled their experiment on me, just as surely as if I were a lab rat.  Anger doesn't help though.  It's probably going to take me another  couple of months to regain my physical, emotional, and psychological equilibrium.  I just have to take it one day at a time

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

Well, slowly I am clearing out the dope from my system---and paying in my body for the lack of thyroid.  It is acceptable for now, since I can't stand to be high, but it is depressing to realize that I am going to be suffering from poor sleep and digestion again.  Even the texture of skin on my face has become more coarse.  But the prime concern is my mental health, and I can't function when I'm high like that.  I hate it. 

I also hate the fact that the SLI & Co is able to mess with my much needed medications, but I realized last night after getting hooked into a conversation with one of their nuns that I am involved in a losing battle getting involved emotionally in whatever way with those people.  McNamara and his whole community is founded and built on the principles of spiritual and psychological abuse, and they have much more power, clout and resources than me.  I am like a child and teenager in my dysfunctional family once more.  I outlived one abusive father, and I can outlive another.  I keep trying to figure out the best way to break an adolescent, all I could do was wait for my father to die.  Is that all I can do here? 

One thing I can NOT do---which I did yesterday, when I was so mired in the deep depression caused by the dope--is allow myself to be angry.  Somehow, I have to transform this anger into some kind of positive action.  Jesus says "love your enemies," and Thich Nhat Hanh and the Buddhists would say to have compassion on them.  I guess if I think on it enough, that is possible.  After all, what kind of fear and lack of freedom impels one to try to control and manipulate another's spiritual choices?  The SLI, as well as religious fundamentalists of every stripe aren't holy.  They worship an idol of their psychological projection created by neediness and fear.  Now I am needy and I have fears, but I look to address those issues in reality, not by creating a bad ass father in the sky who then gives me a mission to coerce others into my beliefs.  I do need a sexual partner to complete me.  I can live without such a sexual partner but not fully, and not joyfully.  Something is missing.  I am afraid.  I am afraid of powertrippers and liars of every stripe (maybe this is why I let the abuse of SLI get to me---they have perfected the art of powertripping and hypocritical lying to an exquisitely high degree and cast over it all with a cloak of psuedo-spirituality (aka idolatry), that they sometimes name and justify by a more desciptive name---dogma.  I have to turn such fear into productive action, which is kind of hard when I'm monitored and prevented from free action on every side.  I can't even take the medication I need to get energetic and healthy, without them substituting their poison in it.  Even as I write, I'm suffering from stomach pain caused by stopped digestion.  But that's okay.  Pain I can deal with; a drugged up condition, I cannot.  If hypothyroidism is indicative of people who have stymied their self-expression, then they will pay a high price for swapping out my thyroid meds.  I will express myself every which way I know how, and get myself back on track naturally.

I'm just still debating over how best to do it.  But I think I know where to start

Monday, November 7, 2005

Doped up!

Yes, I am doped up again....sigh.  I missed another whole day from work after slowly reclaiming my body back from poisoned status over the weekend.  At least I know now what is causing my problem.  I felt fine this morning, ready to go to work, when all of a sudden it hit me---the feeling of being high to the point of incapacity,  It got steadily worse for a couple of hours, and then I slept most of the morning.  Finally, I got up and starting pouring down as much cranberry juice and mineral water as my stomach literally can stand.  Mentally, I feel a little better---able to concentrate a bit better, and keep my eyes open, instead of being ridden by the heavy darkness that kept calling me out to sleep and dream, but physically I still feel like I'm high.  Because I'm constipated again (a sure sign that its my thyroid glandular that they have swapped out with their poison), I went and bought an over the counter version.  I'm certain that it won't be as good as what I got from Dr. Philips, but at least I can try to get some kind of thyroid supplementation which I need.  I've decided to quit taking all my meds, and forget about doctors.  I don't trust them.  The whole medical industry is based on turning this society into a bunch of addicts---and one of the worst addictions they have needlessy created is this dependency on anti-depressants, which I am pretty sure is what I have been doped with during the past week or so.  I'm sure most people love this feeling of being high and out of touch with reality.  It is so much more easy to be passive and unfocussed, with one's disengaged emotions passing for serenity. Of course, the reason my emotions are disengaged is not because of lofty spiritual elevation that enlightens the mundane(though I honestly believe that a lot of religious seekers falsely aim for this), but rather that I am disengaged from the presence of reality, period.  I have no anger---neither at the abusive spiritual rapists who did this to me, nor towards any other indication of injustice.  In this condition, if I saw a woman or child getting beat up, I would just lightly walk away, ensconced in my private Idaho that I'm certain everyone would share, if they would just take the dope the good docors and priests and pastors want to feed us.  If I felt like this every day, I would never want to work, or exercise, or read, or anything, but just sit around and watch TV all day, eating chocolate (oh yeah, the body craves some of that white sugar to gives one's enervated, listless, slug-body a boost of energy and feeling of life.  I supposed if I wanted to be a tranquilized zombie like most of America (oh, and then I would be so much more amenable to the lies that the government, the churches, and corporations want us to imbibe), my life would be so much easier and I would fit in so much better.  But no, I prefer reality, however painful or harsh.  I prefer people who fight against injustice, rather than the ones who just passively swallow the Kool-Aid.  And that is what I was given today---and for the past week---massive dosages of Kool-Aid.  Yuck!  Trying to get it out of my system, just like that dose of Kool-Aid I just took from a SLI nun pretending to be littledebiechic.  Yuck!  Sometimes I despair that I will ever break free of those doped up religious nuts.  I wish I could talk to someone who loves me. But the most important thing right now is to start detoxing my body of this physical poison that is in it

Sunday, November 6, 2005

laughing and mad at the same time

Well, I can't believe it.  The Catholic thought police have gotten into my computer and installed a parental control software package on it--CGuard.  It is running in stealth mode, but I found it when it was hanging up the computer.  They also have completely removed my Word from the computer, along with all associated file, including the chatlog that I had saved on a Word document.  They have set my Windows startup so that I cannot save any setting changes (I have insufficient security rights!!).  In other words they have only acted out on the implicit assumption that they have had for me for years---that I am a child, totally under their domination and control.

What made them so mad?  First of all, I recognized immediately their attempt to dope me up again, without my knowledge of course.  It made me immediately ill.  These psychological hacks and control freaks can't recognize that, unlike them, I enjoy being psychologically healthy.  I don't want to be doped up with dysfunction or half lives like them.   I want to be fully alive, healthy and whole, and sexually active.

Then there was the erotic picture I downloaded that I truly enjoyed as a background desktop icon.  Now that is gone, and I see that the Cguard prevents any image being captured as a permanent screenshot image. 

Finally, I actually dared to speak with someone on the Internet, who I actually enjoyed talking to--someone who makes me feel like a human being, a real person, instead of the objectified thing that the SLI & Co. do, everytime they try to approach me behind their anonymous screen names.  I can recognize a hateful twit, a smarmy bastard, a controlling misogynist within about 3 minutes of conversation.  I can even recognize their individual personalities, just as surely as they don't have a clue about mine.  Oh, but they don't need to relate---they hide behind their habits (with the veil of course), Roman collars, and doctorate degrees.

Fortunately, I'm not the kind of person who gets attatched to anything---not even my own writing or chats, so I laugh that these people think that erasing images and words from my computer is going to erase my preferences and feelings.  Do the hate that you want.  You can't stop me from being a horny lesbian waiting for the day I get laid, and you can't stop me from loving who I love.  You are just jealous that someone else besides your pathetic, dysfunctional, warped selves can actually motivate and inspire me.  This time, though, your actions are going to backfire.  You just about have put me in a position where I have nothing to lose.  I think I know my next step--I'm thinking and praying about it.  But no matter what my next step, I want you to know that you failed.  Your attempts to starve me from love and communication and self expression will not work.  I just about have removed the dope from my system that you put in, and I am feeling stronger and clearer and more free than I have in a very long time.  You can make me suffer, but you can't make me sell out to the same idolatry you have.  Bye bye you bloody bastards.

Monday, October 24, 2005

finished the novel about Bonhoeffer

I finally finished the novelization of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's life, which I have been reading for over a month now.  I couldn't help it.  I saw a co-worker who reads a book in a day.  I used to be like that, but anymore I get so involved in the richness of prose and my own imagination that I can't help but slow down.   In this case, I was reluctant to plumb the tragedy to the bitter end.  Of course, I knew how it ended and that made it worse.  I have just spent one of the most interiorly intense weekends as I forced myself to finish the last chapters.  I know that I need to do some extended writing on it, but it will have to wait for a couple or three days.  In the meantime, I will continue to think on what I intend to write, keeping my dream of Ratzinger from a few days ago, uppermost in my mind.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

visit to the doctor

I took yesterday off to try to figure out my next move---how honest should I be in my writing?  I still haven't answered that question satisfactorily.  But I seem to be phrasing the question better, and finding support from another Christian who was in a similar dilemma---Dietrich Bonhoeffer.  I always have liked Bonhoeffer.  The Cost of Discipleship was the first Protestant classic I read that revealed the depth of spirituality to which I was accustomed in Catholic writers.  He writes with a felt urgency.  He is not accomodating God to his situation in the world; rather God is commanding him how to respond to his world.  And, as a Protestant would be, he is fully invested in the world--no running off to the monastery and visions for him.  I suppose there will always be room for saints who totally are wrapped up in the presence of God---and thus have little impact on the physical, mundane level of this world.  I no longer believe though, that such is a desirable model of sanctity, though I think it appropriate that there be periods of one's life when we are completely focussed on the divine.  I have gradually changed my mind based on two factors.  One is that I live in a world where humanity currently shows great contempt for physical, mundane world.  We are destroying the Earth;  our civil institutions and infrastructures have become veritable hells which breed and nurture violent, warped souls, who then attempt to salve their pain in drug addiction.  The politics of our nation, yes, America has been fostering this destructive and selfishly materialistic bent most efficiently since I came of age---with the Reagan revolution, and the churches have all been suckered into it.  So, I, like Bonhoeffer find myself at distant odds with those who claim devotion to faith and God, and put that devotion, quite blasphemously at the service of greed, corruption, lies and sheer incompetence, not to mention nationalistic and war aggrandizement.  I read an address by Granny D, ancient, wise activist that she is, and she hits it right on the head.  The religious right is fanatical in their politics, demonizing any who supports a prochoice option.  She says religious fundamentalists are  in love with the image of the unborn fetus because it represents their own unlived potential at the fullness of life.  They have sold their own fullness of life out, to live in a comfort zone of an authority cult.  For Bonhoeffer, that authority cult was the Nazis and the German National Church, oh yes, both Protestant and Catholic.  For me, that authority cult that impinges on me most directly is Catholic, but I know that the Protestants share the same dysfunction---all I have to do is look and listen at what I see and hear.  I've tried to make it clear that my faith vision is fundamentally different from that of the SLI and the Catholic Church but they don't listen.  They live in their self-cocooned world where they control everything, because they are controlled by their own need for authority---abbots, popes, a puffed up, swaggering, boy-man President...I am free of the need for such authority, but not of the pain and suffering caused by such authority, and yesterday was just another of that.

I went to the doctor for a pap smear---I haven't had one in over 3 years.  As I showered and drove, I felt that familiar dread that told me that evil awaited me once again.  There is no greater evil than that of being betrayed by people you once trusted, and it has happened so many times over the last few years, that I recognized the psychic sensation immediately.  So I sat down in the doctors office and tried to breathe, wondering how the SLI and their minions would torture me this time. 

First of all, they had the male PA try to exam me.  I have to say I picked up on his discomfort immediately.  He, unlike the priests of SLI, was a REAL man, which is to say that he respects female boundaries however they present themselves.  That is something that DD and WM know nothing about.  I got through that by just telling him that I didn't want to be touched by him.  So then (or after about an hour of being cold and nearly naked), I got the Pap smear.  I have never had such a painful, rushed pap smear in my life.  I'm a good judge of character, and I don't believe that the doctor was causing me pain through insensitivy (or the fact that I have a deep cervix).  It was like she was doing it on purpose, a suspicion completely confirmed when she went to feel up my rectum.  She seemed relieved too, when I pushed away. 

These stupid dumbasses--they have spent years webcamming me, and spying on me and my writing, and they still haven't figured out that pain and humiliation has no effect on me, except to make me more resistant.  That is not something they would understand, because these are a bunch of spoiled brats who never knew pain until they joined the religious order and experienced the artificial pain of contemporary religious life rejection. You stupid idiots.  You don't know what pain is.  Nor do you know how to motivate me.  You want me to have a realization of my cultic abuse.  You want me to remember being anally raped.  Well, guess what?  It won't happen in a doctor's office, with my own psychic dread telling me an ordeal is underway.  It will happen when someone I love sticks their finger up my ass in an act of love.  But that's something you can accept is it?  Love? Sexual love??? (OHG)  Homosexual, anal love--Never! Never!! Never!!!.  But then for all of your violation spying on me, you don't know me, and you most definitely don't know how to heal me.  So get out of my life, and let my homosexual lover in to come heal me.  Unlike you, I am not afraid of my sexuality or of loving.  Nor am I afraid of pain, suffering or death--as long as it is real, and not the artificial stupidity of your own patriarchal control and manipulation.  Poor sobs.  What are you afraid of?  The validity and healing power of homosexual love?  Too bad---that't the way it happens...

Tuesday, October 4, 2005


How did I first get involved with such an abusive religious community?   I was a youthful, recent college grad and volunteer in Southern Colorado when I first met them, and their youthfulness and dedication inspired me.  It also helped that I was full of self-hatred towards my own sexuality, and wanted to control it through celibacy,  so that in many ways I fit right into the model of a Roman Catholic religious seeker.  It didn't take long though, to see the serious deficiencies.  For one thing, there was the cult of personality around their founder William McNamara, who they considered a saint, but I considered a spiritual egotist.  As I read his books, I was further put off.  His spirituality, while powerful, was clearly tainted by the lack of humility and the broad, all-encompassing vision of love and grace.  He (and as his community always trumpeted) thought he was a great saint.  I know that people who think they are saints are actually compromised by the devil.  He and his band of monks and nuns never realized that.    Instead, it was clear that he was a macho, male-chauvinistic monk who thought he had untrammelled power to do whatever he wanted, and that included psychological manipulation and coercion to form people to be like him, not like Christ.  I have heard him preach on the gospel, "Do you not know that the Father and I are one," and realized that this guy actually inflates himself up to a divine incarnation here on Earth. What was especially interesting was that the day he preached on the particular gospel, the liturgical reading was actually from Jesus' words, "Call no man Father."  For all his legalistic adherence to rubric, he did not want to preach on that topic, because he is insistent that he be called Father.  I escaped from him, and the Spiritual Life Institute once.  The psychologist who was helping me to recover from the depression caused in part by my encounter with him, actually knew of McNamara and his abusiveness towards women in his community.  When she first heard that McNamara and the SLI were the community I had been involved with, her first penetrating comment, was "What did he do to you?"  Well, I wish she were still around, because the stories I could tell....of the incredible violation, abuse, power-tripping that I have suffered at the hands of this community now going on for eight years.  My God, how muchlonger do I have to pray to you to be free of these enemies?  How much longer am I denied the right to be sexual and to love?

Monday, October 3, 2005

Express yourself!

Well, according to an alternative healing book, a big part of thyroid health is expressing yourself.  No wonder my thyroid is so unwell.  I have quit expressing myself since I realized how heavily I would be punished for doing so.  Like the intellectuals of Communist Russia, I have been thrown in jail for daring to feel and believe what I feel and believe.  Of course the totaltarian thought and feeling police believe that they are doing what is in my best interest--"re-educating me" so that I conform to their model idea of who I am.  I know my reality is different, but my voice is stymied, out of fear of further abuse from SLI, DeBlassie& all their rich and powerful friends.  That these people are capable of abuse is undeniable--I just talked to Dave Denny yesterday under one of his false screen names he uses ti stalk me.  I recognized his controlling, fearful, and anima-alienated personality immediately.  But I have a choice.   I cannot stop these people from abusing me.  They have been doing it for years, and they have judges, police, doctors, and pharmacists as allies to administer the abuse.  I barely escaped jail this last time, and probably only did because of some intelligent people in the jail administration who know that I would be a marked woman if I went back.  They (and I) know why I would be a marked woman, and what that means.  That is something that my torturers have absolutely no conception of---what jail is all about.  They live in their little fantasy world where John of the Cross in the 16th century wrote poetry while incarcerated.  I will carry the abuse in my body and soul for the rest of my life, although if I am ever in a safe place---in the arms of someone who loves me--I might be able to cry it out.  I am not in a safe place.  My abusers and torturers spy and strip away even my most intimate thoughts and feelings, misinterpret them according to their model of who I should rather than the reality of who I choose to be, and then use them as a weapon against me.

Fact.  I am being abused.  Fact.  I am not able to stop it.   But I refuse any longer to be afraid of the abuse of power-tripping, abusive liars.  I cannot confront their lie and power directly, but I will strive to be as free as is possible in the oppressed state that I am in.  This is going to have to happen on a personal and political level.  On a personal level I am going to have to be as free and honest as I reasonably can (which is to say not completely).  I am in a totaltarian control trap that is as far from my God-given reality of freedom to be choose my own identity, as it could possibly be.  As in 1984, love is severely punished (unless of course, it meets with approval from the powers that be---i.e, is it open to procreation in every instance.  Bah!  What a crock of shit these religionists dish out to people in the name of Christ).  But I know I need love, and I know I need homosexual love.  I knew that last night when I saw Juanita with her girlfriend.  I was envious---they are allowed to love.  I am not.  But I have to make some kind of move, some kind of change, because that is what I know that my heart and soul needs to fully flourish.  There is also the political level.  I have to make some kind of stake and claim for homosexuality.  The damned Church, with their lies and legalism, is doing everything possible to destroy us.  They have already caused irreperable pain and suffering to me.  I have to do something to make sure that their power and resources do not continue to do this to my kind---those of us who sexually love our own gender.   I have to reclaim my voice somehow someway.  I will just have to keep at it.  I can't stop the abuse, but God willing, I will stop my own fear of their abuse from being another weapon they use to destroy me in the blasphemous name of God they invoke...


Thursday, September 1, 2005

Can't stand it when I'm happy, can you?

So, are these people messing with my medication again?  I have been suffering serious depression(of a type and duration I never suffer....wanting to cut myself with a box cutter!!!!!--what's up with that?).  I've been getting headaches and have a psoriasis rash again---both of which is prevented when I am on true thyroid medication.  I did not take the medication last night and actually woke up feeling like a human being, for the first time in a long time.  Most  telling of all is the draining low energy that steals my iniative and drive.  When I feel like this, I can't remember how long ago that I felt normal.  But I see that today is Princess Diana's 8th anniversary of her death.  My life was stolen from me by the SLI (and I have never gotten it back)  when I lived at County Line Road, and I remember waking up to learn of her death there.  So...sigh....eight years, feels like 50.  I can't even remember what it is like to have a normal life without unwelcome religious fanatics interfering and manipulating and controlling my basic life decisions and choices.  As I am sitting
through this training class, I can't help but think how better suited I am to technical support, needing the intellectual challenge of a steep learning cuve, but I am not allowed to engage in employment that meets my needs.  At least I have no huge sexual drive right now---that's another thing that anti-depressants do to to people who are not depressed---steal their sex drive and makes you disgusted with your
body.  Of course, then, that would make me the perfect candidate to be a nun.  What a clever idea!  I could join the body hating zombies in their cassocks and habits.  There's only one problem.  I refuse to believe the lie that the Church puts on all of its members, but especially those poor sobs who suffer celibacy---that sexuality is hateful and cannot be freely chosen by any human being, but must be regulated by the "fathers" who know what is best for us.  Forget that.  I may not be free to live my life as I choose, but I will not enslave my mind to body hatred through their conditioning drugs.  I feel better already now that I'm getting rid of the patriarchal poison.....(no wonder I wanted to cut open my veins--I just wanted to get rid of the poison).....

Monday, August 22, 2005

A little bit freer

Well I am feeling a little bit more free today.  As a matter of fact, I am singing and dancing so I must be feeling pretty good.  I realize that partly this is because I took my righteous anger at being abused and turned it on my abusers rather than turn it on myself.  I also think upping my thyroid medication supplement has a lot to do with it.  I'm more and more certain that so much of my health issues---whether weight gain, or the cyclical, psuedo "manic-depressive" moods I had for years---are related to thyroid, and/or the adrenal gland.  I talked with the dr. today and she brought up the adrenal gland.  I haven't even told her what adrenaline does to me, yet.  But I know that she is on target and I know that going natural is the right way to go.  It angers me that I could have gone to her months ago, if I had been allowed to be in relationship with her other patient.  Instead I had to wait until I was desperate, with absolutely no alternatives, and fudge around the issue of how I was recommended to her.  Dr. Phillips would have recognized the organic roots of my "depression" and treated it successfully years ago while Paul DeBlassie and company prescribe jail as therapy and dope me against my consent. !!!!!! The stupidity and moral bankruptcy of those people is beyond belief, but no doubt there are still good, blind, deaf, and dumb Catholic sheep out there, ready to assist these 20th century Inquisitors in their endeavors.  So be careful Tita, and keep checking to see if they have put out another warrant for your arrest.  It's so amazing to me how my tormenters are responsible not only for creating the conditions that exacerbate my psychological depression, but actively prevent me from getting effective treatment (as if jail and pharmaceutical pills would have any ameliorating effect on the damage caused by patriarchal abuse---whether from my father or William McNamara's spiritual megolamania.  No, these are people who have imprisoned their minds and addicted their spirits through institutional religion, so they think that imprisonment and dope would make me more amenable to their warped version of reality...Ain't happeninggggggg.............

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Struggling to be free

Well, as you can see, I am out of jail, but I have a more insidious enemy now---depression.  The one thing that gave me joy in life---talking to someone who I loved and who loved me has been stolen by the patriarchal love killers again, as they have hijacked my buddy list yet again.  There is no one online buddy who I can talk to, who knows and loves me.  This is a crushing defeat for someone like me who has so little in her life to give her joy as I continue to fight the totaltarian forces who have successfully denied me my right to be human--to choose my own identity and life and love---for eight years now.  Of course Tessa Bielecki is online giving her false sympathy.  I've seen that before--sold out patriarchal female giving out the impotent sympathy of someone who has no intent or power to act on their feelings.  She has turned over her ability to act to the priests who, in turn, have sold out their feelings to the need for power and control in their actions.  And me, well, I have successfully long endured being the victim of loveless, abusive powertrippers who torture me in the name of God, but tonight, I don't feel that I can hold out much longer.  If I cannot be free to live my life and love who I love, then I don't want to live anymore.  I know its possible that this is a hormonal imbalance caused by my low thyroid, and I know my thyroid is low because of the symptomology and low basal temperature, but the real reason is that I had to quit my thyroid medication when it was tampered with.   But there is no question that tonight I am suicidal.  I want to be free again God, free like you made me, free before I got involved with that horrific, homophobic, misogynistic cult of the Spiritual Life Institute, and the Roman Catholic Church.  I am a lesbian and I want to be a lesbian, and I want to live in a sexual relationship with a wild and supporting woman.  I want nothing to do with church or christianity, and I cannot break free.

I feel better already.  I hate to let those people know how successfully they have compromised my psyche, but you know, just writing this makes me feel better.  Why?  Because I'm still free in my mind.  They can impose limitations from outside but they can't stop me from being proud of who I am, and loving who I choose to love.  That's what William McNamara and Dave Denny can't stand---that I don't want to belong to their sick, inverted harem of sexually and psychically castrated women, and that is why they won't let go.  I am being punished.  But guess what---I am freer than you all are.  You cannot make me believe what I don't believe.  True, the rise of fundamentalist, dogmatic Christianity to political power has made possible a 20th century Inquisition where you torture my body and mind (yeh, being thrown in jail for six month, and an unwilling particpant in your webcam surveillance for years is psychological torture, you pigs), but you will not steal my mind to belong to your narrowminded, patriarchal religion that has corrupted the natively human spirituality that belong to human beings by birthright--not baptism, not first communion, not church membership or approval.  Your insistence on dogmatic orthodoxy and your controlling abuse has caused massive alienation and distaste for the spiritual life---but I stand in the forefront of an authentic spiritual revival and proclaim, "oh yes, there is salvation outside of the church."  Not only that, you are more likely to find it outside of the Church, as I did when I was 21 years old.  Well, I feel better now.  I know who I am and what I am called to do, and no, your plans for me are not God's plans for me.

Monday, May 16, 2005

returning to jail

I don't know how much longer I can writing.  My intuition and reason (experience based upon memory of the pattern) tells me that soon I will be in jail on another bogus charge, placed there by the homophobic, misogynistic theocrats who refuse to grant me the right and freedom of individual choice and dignity.  They, in their audacious moral depravity (think "Inquisition"), believe that they they have the right to charge an innocent person with what they know to be a bogus charge and send them to jail.  These are sheltered priests and nuns, who don't have a clue what jail is all about, since the only incarceration they have ever experienced is in their willful locking closure of their minds so that they maintain conformity with an orthodox dogma that I believe is more soul-destroying than soul uplifting.  With the election of "Pope Torquemada", they no doubt are confirmed in their beliefs and methodology ("destroy the body but 'save' the soul").  Profound Christian ideological fundamentalists that they are, they don't acknowledge the God given gift to us of FREEDOM, nor do they respect that we humans are embodied souls (my body is carrying lasting scars and chronic pain  from the last time I was in jail, when I was abused while in handcuffs by a sadistic correctional officer).  They don't care.  They have this deluded vision that coercion will produce conversion.  I can just see the Spiritual Life Instituters sitting around, discussing their plan, thinking they are going to create another John of the Cross.  I can see Dave Denny guffawing with emotionally disconnected laughter, thinking he's a great wit and spiritual director when's he's just a pathetic, priestly wimp, hiding behind his clerical collar. 

But their stupidity and delusion is not to be taken lightly.  It is the same stupidity and delusion that is driving this entire country to a collapse of constitutional values and integrity (that is, the best of American self-identity), and even ruinous, grievous, globally destructive world war.  There's very little I can do about that--I gathered that from my conversations with God while I was working to help elect Kerry (at cross purposes with the explicit design and intent of the Catholic hierarchy who think s that Bush is a more true reflection of Christianity as they know it....and sadly enough, he really is---another ideological fanatic).

It is the same stupidity and delusion that helped to destroy other homosexuals before me---especially Verlaine and Oscar Wilde.  I have to admit that the first stint in jail severely undermined my creativity.  To be surrounded and immersed by constant noise, intruded upon by small-minded and petty conversations and actions (and I would be hard put to tell which  intrusions were more destructive--those of the inmates or the CO's), to suffer from no exercise, inadequate food and medical treatment, and pervasively mind-numbing ugliness, all combined to leave me separated from deep self and more focussed on the periphery.

I was noticing the other day that I'm having trouble writing in this journal, because I have grown unaccustomed to reflecting on my experiences.  It used to be that I could write pages over every single iota of experience, but now I have difficulty even reflecting upon any experience for a journal entry---a direct result of the punitive actions taken against me for the fruit of my reflection, and a six month stint in the most uncontemplative environment I could possible imagine.  Torquemada's minions of the Inquisition have done their psychological torture well--I'm editing my own thoughts and feelings now, out of fear and repulsion

I can remember my free thinking civics and history teaching us, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, but you can kick him in the stomach for refusing to drink."  Well I don't drink from their poisoned well of lies, but I'm doubled up in pain and chronic injury from being kicked in the stomach.

Believe it or not, that was my first clue that I was going back to jail--that I was starting to feel really good about my healing process over my physical injuries.  The last time I felt this good about my back---like I was really on the verge of the possibility of complete healing --the Inquisitors in their classic MO, colluded with corrupt civil authorities to throw in jail.  My body is now worse than it was before, with constant pain and locking in my shoulders from where CO Bridget Perea abused me while I was handcuffed (and when I put in a grievance to her superior officer, he gave me an amused smile, that said "you really think I'm going to do something about this?").  I also have added fat on me from all the substandard food I ate.  I was perpetually hungry the whole time I was there (not stomach hungry, but body hungry, when you know you are seriously malnourished--my teeth were loose in my gums by the time I got out).  I figured (quite honestly) that we were on a 1200 calorie a day diet, but when all you eat is starchy, ill-prepared pasta and white bread with bologna, with pancakes for breakfast, muscle turns to fat really quick.  I've gained back my muscle but I haven't been able to lose the fat. 

 I can imagine the hit my body is going to take when I get there--especially with my sensitive thyroid medications that has to be taken at specific times with continual dosage adjustments. (I can hear the judge now, "tell them you need your meds when you get to jail"---hysterical lol--do those judges really think you get medical attention--besides all the gratuitous pelvic exams dr. feel me up likes to give).  I remember how painful the swelling was last time.  This time around, I'm not even going to try to maintain my health.  It didn't do a bit of good last time, so I'll try going the other way around.

So when my body started feeling like it was moving towards real healing, I knew it was time for the soul rapists to make their move.  My original injury came from a young man having flashbacks of childhood rape, and I know that my back injury is related to my own childhood rape.  Well the Inquisitors of the SLI and Paul DeBlassie have taken up where the cultic rapists of my childhood have left off.  Rape is a matter of the soul violation through bodily physical coercion, and that is what jail is---and especially for an innocent who recognizes exactly who is framing her and why...I am tired of having my freedom stolen from me by soul eaters of the feminine who have no relationship to it, except through domination and control.  I have done everything I know to make those inquisitors understand that I am not a member of their faith or tradition; they have sold out my trust and earned my undying enmity.  They think they are trying to exorcise some deep anger in me (what kind of fucking idiot tries to exorcise anger through abuse?--only someone totally sheltered from reality and starting with Wm McNamara, that is exactly where the inquisitors come from and where they are).  I have told them, but they don't listen or respect my own self integrity and relationship with God (who is the one who explicitly told me), that I will be healed through love, specifically the love of one woman, which they won't accept.  This brings me to the real reason for the abuse I've endured at the hands of these soul raping torturers....I'm lesbian.  They tell everybody that they are trying to exorcise my anger, but what they really are about is neutering my sexuality.  Well they will fail.  They can throw me in prison for years.  They may destroy my body and they may destroy my creativity, but I will not let them take from me my sexual being and orientation.  They can throw me any bone they want---oh, you want a job with the UN?--oh hell no, not as long as you are offering it.  I want my freedom, and if I can't get, I will think, wait, and pray until I get it.  But I want nothing more to do with the Christian religion qua religion,  or institution.  With Ratzinger's election, and the debacle of evangelical excess (Justice Sunday!), I see the destruction of the churches coming from within (and without, but thats any story; the church has already silenced its prophets, so I need to need to shout into a howling wilderness of indifference and self-complacency).

This has been a negative post, which is what I wanted to avoid.  I want to focus on a positive alternative  and vision of authentic faith--integrating spirituality and sexuality, but I have been seriously depressed for the past few days as the realization of impending incarceration, and the cascade of memories it has originated has really got me down.  I don't know how much longer I have (if I keep writing names, my span of freedom could be prety short), and I have a lot of details to attend to, but I will do the best I can to continue writing.......

Sunday, May 8, 2005

Sunday morning blues

May 8, 2005--I dreamed last night of stopping at a gas station to fill up my car.  It was an energizing feeling.  That is how I feel-- energized---in some way, though I feel so frustrated and stymied over my forced celibacy.  More than anything,  I want the woman I love to be beside me, talking to me, and a little Sunday worship (ie, sex) would be most welcome, too.  Instead, I try to meet my relationship needs via the web.  I usually know who I am talking to.  I sent this link to everyone on my buddy list--even those enemies who hide behind anonymity in an attempt to continue to warp-conform me to their patriarchal ideology.  So Tessa, Dave, and the evil doctor---go ahead and enjoy.  My writing is not for you, but I need to get it out to the people I truly love and want to see happy.

I am writing before I go to the gym.  I probably should write after my return from the gym, as working out releases a lot of aggression from within me.  And as sexually frustrated as I am, you had better believe there is a lot of aggression.  I spent a little while playing some music this morning---the first time I had picked up the guitar in weeks.  I guess my decision to be as proactive as possible regarding my straitened circumstances, has released a lot of emotional energy.  I do play my dulcimer more often, but that is because it is such a feeling instrument (what do I feel?--sorry, can't divulge that information---I am not allowed to have passionate feelings unless they are approved by religionists, so I have to keep it all undercover, but they are there).  I am practicing a little bit, because I am getting ready to go to a family reunion in a couple of weeks.  My roommate asked me an interesting question this morning--"Was I moving back there to stay?"  I can't believe that she was serious.  I looked at her, and told her that there was no way I would ever move back there.  I absolutely hated living in Huntington when I was a teenager, and believe me, nothing has changed.  How could an "out and proud lesbian, politically conscious, and intellectually astute person like myself be happy there?"  Yeah, my life has got nothing going on here for me.  And maybe, just maybe the reason I can't find a job here right now is because the religionists are trying to pressure me into moving back to West Virgina (laughing out loud---I think I got it).  They knowI will need to ask my mother for money there, and they will try to pressure me to move back. 

NO WAY! NO WAY! NO WAY!  I have been having dreams about Ohio (talking in my sleep maybe?), but I know what Ohio stands for---it stands for the the lowest benchmark in loss of political integrity this country has ever realized.  We are no longer a democracy, but a dictatorship of the rich (whoever can afford to fix the election).  When I dream of going to Ohio, that is symbolic of uncovering and addressing the political corruption that runs rampant.  But as usual, the religionists have no depth or breadth of intellect or heart so all they can do is assume and plan literally.  I don't know what is going to happen, but I know I will be homeless before I move anywhere that these people want me to move. 

Don't let me lose you on this post.  It's highly personal and emotional.  I promise the next one will return to intellectual objectivity.  I just had to let go with this, when I realized that people who genuinely love me are afraid I might move to West Virginia.  Talk to you, later....

Proclamation of Emancipation

May 7, 2005--

Finally, I have decided to start writing again.  It has been hard not to write--writing is how I live out my spirituality and explore God's will for me.  It has been very hard for me these past few years to realize that my writing was actually being used as a weapon against me, by people who did not, and do not, respect my relationship with God or my relationship with self.  I know that I cannot be completely honest--not yet---and that has been the big stumbling block for me.  I cannot fathom not being completely honest---i.e. telling the whole world exactly what I think and what I know and what I feel. 

But it has become clear to me that institutional Christianity is as totaltarian regarding spirituality as an aethistic, religion-persectuting Communist society.  I am a person of spirit being actively persecuted by so-called Christians who want me to fit into their warped, small view of dogma.  I don't want to blow any new, would-be readers away just yet (wait a while--once I've earned your trust and respect, I will tell you the entire incredible story), so I will start out by speaking in generalities.  But I will start speaking.  I have decided that speaking out is what a person of spirit and faith is called to do.  I can't be totally honest.  I am like the early Christ followers--I will not be ashamed or shady regarding my beliefs, but I will attempt to protect them from the rapine and destruction of rigid, soul-destroying religionists.  I've already experienced deep,  psychic and soulful rapine and destruction from these people and carry the wounds and pain in my body.  I am working towards and praying for forgiveness, but an even greater imperative, is to make sure that no one ever suffers what I have suffered at their hands.  This means, quite frankly, that I am committed to 1) an alternative space and place for people of authentic spirituality whose fidelity to self and God precludes them from acceptance into any established community of worship; and 2) the radical transformation of institutional patriarchal religions (you might say "demise"), so that spirituality is unchained from its  authoritarian warp that creates and nurtures childish dependency and bondage, rather than true relationship with God and freedom to live the fullness of life and individuality to which I believe we are called.

What are my qualifications?  Well, I am a lifelong spiritual seeker, who joined the Roman Catholic Church after a profound religious conversion in college.  Currently, I believe that the Roman Catholic church is under judgment, and that I will see that judgment come to pass in my own lifetime (forgive the generality---discretion....), but I am not one of those fundamentalist churches who believe that the Roman Church is the great Babylonian whore, while they and their adherents are going to ascend into the Rapture.  I am against all religion that is based on political power (rather than the power of love), and fanaticism.  Thit means that all of institutional religion, including Christianity, is sick and weak and counterindicative of the spiritual life.  A few years ago, I would have wanted to work from within for reform.  Experiences in the past couple of years have made it clear to me that reform is not an option.  The churches are all under judgment, and razed to the ground, they must be, if a true spiritual awakening and regeneration is to occur.  This does not mean that there are not genuine spiritual people within the churches,  because there are, but I honestly believe that we have reached a critical point, where there are more truly spiritual people outside of the churches than within. 

I am not sure what the alternative will be.  I know that I need to write and expess myself, because that is how I open myself up to God's voice, which I trust to give me glimmers of what the alternative will be.  I will no longer allow fear of pain and punishment to deny me this access to my own spiritual life.   I do know as a lesbian woman of faith, that the church's teachings on sexuality and women are completely erroneous.  I am not objectively disordered (though for years I believed that I was), nor am I determined into a proscribed and limited self through gender and masculine projection and needs.  Certainly, a prime casualty of religion has been healthy sexuality.  Sexuality and soul are inextricably linked.  That is why I cannot reclaim one without the other.  In this blog, I intend to do just that....